Death Note: the Abridged Series
by Jaded Ninja
Summary: Inspired by Little Kuriboh and masakox and Vegeta3986, as well as by Plasma Knight's fanfic Hitchiker's guide to Spira, a humorous summary of one of my favorite animes.
1. Episode 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata does. If I owned Death Note, my horrid drawing would have made Rukia's look like Michaelangelo. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here. Also, safety spoilers for Final Fantasy Seven.

Episode the First: Regurgitate

Monks chant as the episode opens in the Elephant Graveyard, as the camera sweeps over the bones and….umm….okay more bones, oh wait there's a chain, ooh fresh and exciting! In the barren wasteland two young lion cubs play and frolic happily, naively oblivious to the danger they were warned existed here.

"See it's not so bad Simba, I don't know what your dad was so worried about!" the female cub destined to marry Simba, despite being, at most distant, his first cousin.

"You're right Nala, my dad, is a moron. Now I think I feel a song coming on…INCEST, INCEST IT'S THE BEST, PUT YOUR…"

Just then the two lion cubs simultaneously died of heart attacks and a perverse winged being with a grin that would scare a pedophiliac laughed maniacally before flying away.

The other grotesque inhabitants of the Elephant Graveyard made their cameo appearances. Sleepy, Indian chief, Bootstrap Bill, and antelope head.

"Hey Ryuk, care to wager some years on a game of Liar's Dice?" Bootstrap asked, "Eternity's an awful long time to be in service to Davy Jones."

"Okay, all my years against all of yours," Ryuk replied, knowing Bootstrap was the worst gambler in history. "Looks like I win, now that you've taken all the service I owe Davy Jones, I'm going ashore."

"Could you go check on my boy, he's taken an awful long time rescuing me. I swear if he makes me wait another cliffhanger movie I'll beat his pretty boy ass senseless with my bootstraps."

"Sure thing, but only if you smack that acting talentless son of a bitch once for me will ya?"

Then for no reason what so ever, suddenly change to a high school and have to listen to some slutty teenagers bitch about their problems. Oh well at least they're easier on the eyes.

"Like, OMG I like cannot believe that she like went with him!"

"I know!"

"She is such a slut, and she always like talks behind like other people's like backs about them"

"Like totally"

Okay screw this, I can't take it anymore, they aren't even that hot. Let's see, who won't annoy me for the next 37 episodes in any way shape or form, hey how about this chip eating kid.

Camera pans to Light, epically eating a bag of chips.

Light: "Just as planned." Crunch

Teacher: "Light-kun, will you please read a passage that has absolutely nothing to do with you life up to this point, nor foreshadows anything that will happen in the next five years?"

Light: "Sure thing, 'Please obey God's will. If you do the blessings of the sea will fill your lives and you shall have no stormy passages"

Author's Note: the only actual line of dialogue in this episode…..Just as planned.

Teacher: "Damn it, Light-kun I said not foreshadowing your life, not foreshadowing!"

Light: "Just as…"

Teacher:"Say it and I'll throw you out of class!"

Light: "…planned"

Teacher: "That's it, outta here"

Light took one more slow, epic chip bite before walking to the door and exiting the classroom.

Teacher: "Now that that distraction's gone…"

Light quickly reopened the door and shouted, "Just as planned," before slamming the door and running off, giggling like a school girl.

Voiceover news guy: "Today a 35 year old man killed his 25 year old 'roommate,' a Playstation was found in the apartment and with urging from Overprotective Parent's Council Against Video Games, police are now labeling this a case of video game violence. No word yet as to which game will the scapegoated, though leading suspects will likely be Grand Theft Auto or something having to do with World War II."

Light: "Every day it's the same thing, someone on this highly overcrowded island kills another person, and it's blamed on video games. It's because of that my mother would never buy us anything rated over E. When will they learn, it's the parent's…"

Together with Ryuk: "Fault."

Light: "Whoa, I just got the feeling someone somewhere said the exact same thing I did."

Ryuk: "Just as planned."

The next day Light was in class again not paying attention when he noticed something outside the window. Seriously I hated those kids who did nothing and still got A's!

Light: "Oh and how often did you study?"

Never.

"And what did you get?"

I'll have you know I got B's! Now get back to the story while I find someone to fix this fourth wall.

Light: "Just as planned. Anyway that notebook is falling far too slow for gravity to realistically be acting upon it. I bet if even if I sit through class and go down to it afterwards I could grab it midair."

And so Light did occasionally glancing over at the glacially slow moving Notebook from the sky. When class ended Light went down and grabbed the Notebook with a full 3 feet left to plummet.

Light: "What's this, Death Note? The person who's name in it will die. Bah, what a sick joke. Still I went to all that effort to catch it, it'd be a shame to not take it…."

And so Light fell to the first temptation of the Death Note. Later at the Yamgami residence:

Light: "Let's see, rules of the Death Note. Hmm, this is essentially an owner's manual, if I want to know how to kill people I should probably read it, nah, let's get straight to killin'!"

Light grabbed his remote and started flipping through channels looking for someone to kill.

"Let's see, Regis, not annoying enough, Oprah, too powerful," Light's indecision was saved by a stop on Court TV's coverage of the recent video game murder, "Of course, the lawyer for the parent's council against video games! If I kill him then maybe then I can get my hands on some Final Fantasy, I wanna see if you really can bring Aeris back to life."

Light wrote the lawyer's name in the Note, "Shouldn't he be dead by now, damn it this is taking too long, maybe there's something in the rules about not using it for selfish gain….I have to wait 40 seconds! Oh well it won't kill me, it's not like I'm some weird guy who eats nothing but candy and is constantly on a sugar high."

"This just in Jack Thompson is dead! He was reportedly beaten to death with an Xbox by the defendant in the case he was just in. The judge has issued an immediate ban on all video games."

"What the Hell, maybe there really is something in there about not using the Note for selfish gain!" Light scoured the rules completely, "If the Writer, hereafter referred to as Party A, attempt to kill a Mac user, hereafter referred to as Party B, with the Death Note on a Tuesday, instead of the written cause of death, Party B will instead be killed by the nearest Microsoft product."

"Ah, Gates law that one's a personal favorite of mine." The strange, grotesque man who we know, but Light does not, said appearing from nowhere. (Maybe he is a pedophile)

**Commercial Bump**

_**Death Note**__**TM **__**For Dummies**_

_If the person's name written in the Death Note__**TM**__ is a Mac User, and his name is written on a Tuesday, then that person will be killed by the nearest Microsoft item. If the person is a Linux user then he/she will be gored by a penguin. (Gate's Law)_

_Failure to capitalize both the D and N in Death Note__**TM**__, as well as capitalizing the first and last name of your victims, will result in the writing utensil you are using to inscribe the names to come to life and stab you until death. Being an insane homicidal maniac is no excuse for poor grammar._

**End Commercial Bump**

"Ah, Gates law that one's a personal favorite of mine."

"AHHHHHH! What the Hell, man you can't just barge into someone's room like that." Light turned around, "Oh Shit! Take my money; I'll give you anything you want! I can kill people for you, just don't rape me!"

Ryuk laughed at Light, "Relax I'm not here rape you, I'm not a pedophile, like some people think…."

Don't blame me you've got a creepy smile.

"How're those fourth wall repairs going?" Light sarcastically asked.

Ok fine, invite me into the conversation then just kick me out, whatever that's cool.

Ryuk: "So kid, you like my Death Note? Sorry I scared you."

Light: "You didn't scare me; I've been waiting for you."

Ryuk: "Yeah right, you just pissed yourself."

Light: "Just as planned."

Ryuk: "Okaaay, awkward, so anyway I'm Ryuk, a Death God."

Light: "I'm Yagami Light, pleased to meet you Ryuk, now if you excuse me I have to go do something that's certainly not changing my pants."

Light returned: So now that I've used the Death Note, what will you do? Are you here to take it back by force?"

Ryuk: "Hah no, that notebook belongs to you now, I dropped it here."

Light: "I'm not sure I understand."

Ryuk: "Hold on I'll call a colleague to explain it to you"

Ryuk whipped out his Death Phone and within moments a short, flat-chested girl in black arrived.

Ryuk: "This is Rukia, she's a Death God too, but of a different sort."

Rukia took a page from a notebook and began to draw: "You see Light when a Death God drops their notebook into the human world," she pointed to a figure that looked like an the bastard child of Ryuk and a bunny rabbit, "and is picked up by a human," she pointed to another poorly drawn rabbit-man that would make Shou Tucker's chimeras look humane, "the notebook then belongs to the world until the human who used it dies." She showed a third picture, this time of the bizarre rabbit-man dead with rabbit-person pallbearers and finally a rabbit-man grave (the most merciful act of the entire series of drawings). "Any questions?"

Light: "Yeah, why do your drawings suck?"

Rukia beat Light senseless in a fashion too brutal to describe in words and went back to living in a sexually repressed 15 year old boy's closet. Oh Rukia, why won't you come live in my closet?

Ryuk: "Just as planned. That was fun. What are you going to do next Light?"

Light picked himself back up from his bloody heap on the floor and answered, "I'm not your laugh monkey, why should I entertain you?"

Ryuk: "Look kid, I'm going to kill you eventually, it's what I do, now how entertained I am is directly proportional to how long your lifespan is, do you understand or should I bring Rukia back to illustrate?"

Light hastily replied, "I get it. Umm let's see I guess I could kill all the criminals in the world and try to avoid the police, I'm pretty smart, I bet I could make it last awhile."

Ryuk, "Eh, pass, this self righteous make a better world crap is played out. What was your name again, Yagami Light right? Oh, who am I kidding I can see your name right now, Y is for yawn…"

Light, "Wait, my dad is the police chief!"

Ryuk, "Ooh, family tension, now that I can get behind! Kid, I got a feeling this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

Takeshi Obata: "Just as planned."


	2. Episode 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata does. If I owned Death Note, then it would have taken a decade to complete. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Episode the Second: Showboating

Here we are in class once again, the teacher is trying to teach the class something, but instead of being able to read it, some girl is not paying attention and talking as well, making it difficult to read what both the teacher and the girl are saying. And the little bitch just had to be talking super fast, distracting me from reading the sub when her dialogue disappears and reappears like five times. Damn you ADD, Damn you to Hell!

Fansubber: "Just As Planned."

Teacher: "Yagami-kun could you read another vaguely cryptic passage that I'm sure has nothing to do with your life?"

Light: "Of course, it's not like I'm secretly killing people in class." He closes his Death Note, man I hope he wrote that annoying bitch's name in it, "Having finally made his dream a reality, he was overcome by the sense of his own achievement and the joy that brought him. It was just as he planned."

Teacher: "Good job, now I'm going to dismiss all of you so the plot can progress and Ryuk can have a creepy cameo."

And the class leaves and Ryuk indeed does just that.

Ryuk: "Man I'm glad school's over"-Random kid who's not important "Disrupting lines," Ryuk "I'm so bored" Random kid "More disrupting lines," Ryuk, "Will you stop that," Random kid, "Pointless side dialogue meant to distract you,"

Ryuk scribbles in his Death Note, kid keels over. "Damn that was annoying."

Light, "You gotta be kidding me! What the Hell Ryuk? You can't just kill people indiscriminately around me! I'm soon to be a wanted criminal."

Ryuk, "I'm sorry."

Light, "Sorry's not gonna cut it, I'm not speaking to you from now on."

And so Light and Ryuk started to walk home. Ryuk tried to communicate his deep remorse to Light over his boneheaded actions, but Light would have none of it.

Ryuk, "Hey Light….Light are you listening? Come on I'm really sorry."

Light: "Don't talk to me."

Ryuk: "Come on Light, we're living together are you just gonna ignore me?"

Light: "Yes."

Ryuk: "Okay fine, don't talk me. I can get apples elsewhere." Ryuk started to leave, but then Light stopped him.

Light: "What are you doing?"

Ryuk: "I'm running away, I'm going to have my own filler adventure."

Light: "Moron, this is a 37 episode anime, we don't do filler, besides you're a semi-main character, only supporting cast and joke characters get to do filler adventures."

Ryuk: "Well I'm leaving anyway."

Light: "Alright fine I'll talk to you again. This is wasting valuable killing time anyway."

Light walked away and Ryuk paused and added "Just as " (If you can't fill in the last word by now, you are dumber than Goku)

Light got home and started killing criminals as usual. Ryuk sat on his bed slowly but surely eating the Yagami family out of house and home and asked him, "Hey Light, you're gonna work yourself to death, haha U C WUT I DID THAR?"

Light responded, "You Death God's have all the time in the world and that is the best joke you can come up with? No wonder it's boring up there."

Ryuk: "Hey listen, don't you forget who can kill who here, would it kill you to humor every once in awhile?"

There was a tug on the door, "Hey brother, why is your door locked? Are you masturbating in there? You're always lock yourself in there after school and never come down, you're gonna go blind! I hear voices? Who are you talking to?"

Light: "Santa, I've got him locked up in here and I'm torturing him. He wants to know why you won't save him. He says you've been a bad girl and he's going to give you coal for Christmas."

Light's sister ran crying downstairs.

Ryuk: "That was a little harsh don't you think?"

Light: "Eh, kids that young don't remember anything."

Five minutes later Light's mother came up the stairs and demanded an explanation, and thus Light got stuck helping his sister with her homework. It fast became apparent that none of Light's intelligence was hereditary, as his sister was struggling to learn basic math.

Ryuk: "You know Light if she touches the Death Note she'll be able to perform any math problems you can."

Light: "Really, Hmm, hey Saya could you get my address book out of my drawer, I need to call someone."

Saya: "Ooh is it a girl, does Light-kun have a girlfriend?" And as Light's sister reached into the drawer she sang everyone's favorite song about a tree and impregnation. "AAAHHH! There's a monster in your room! Light-kun." And Saya ran away screaming and crying once more.

Light: "What did you do that for! You lied to me, she didn't get smarter she can see you now!"

Ryuk: "You bored me. I took it into my own hands to have fun. You're way too trusting Light. Relax, no one's gonna believe her, she's like 10. Those kids see monsters all the time."

And sure enough Ryuk was right, it was merely dismissed as her overactive imagination and she was assured the "monster" would go away as long as she took her Ritalin.

**After this heartwarming scene of the deviant Death God and prescription drugs, we are taken to the headquarters of the ICPO.**

Highly Not Important after this episode man: "There have been 52 cases this week alone of criminals dying of Head Asplosion. This is the worst epidemic of Asplosion ever recorded. In the lack of any real evidence as to why this is happening I would like to propose that there is a witch or witches on the lose."

"That's preposterous, there hasn't been a crop failure in years! This is clearly the work of aliens."

"No it is the work of an angry god, we must perform virgin sacrifices!"

"Gentlemen please arguing will get us nowhere, an Electric Cage match is the only way to solve this dispute. One man representing every theory will enter and the last one standing is the answer we go with."

And so it would have been, if not for this entire time a very old man with a computer had not been slowly approaching the stage. He opened his computer up and using his 1337 h4x0r 5killz projected an image onto a giant screen.

Watari: "Everyone quiet please L will now speak"

A 5400 size Gothic font L appeared in the corner of the screen and a computerized voice rang throughout the room.

L: "Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen I am---Dammit it's in the corner again. I said center, center, hold on."

A mouse appeared on the screen and went to the Microsoft word toolbar, clicking on center. The return key was then pressed a couple of times.

"No that's too low, backspace, crap I hit it twice, return, bingo. Ahem, I am L."

Matsuda could keep silent no longer, "HOLY SHIT, STEPHEN HAWKING IS GOING TO HELP US!"

**As Matsuda was beaten senseless by the entire ICPO we are mercifully treated to a scene change.**

Ryuk: "What are you doing here Light?"

Light: "Well, since you so graciously decided to share our secret with my sister, now I have to come up with a way to hide the Death Note."

Light mixed some chemicals together producing fire.

Light: "Arson helps me think."

**Light watched the warehouse burn down and came up with an idea. Meanwhile L was giving his sales pitch to the ICPO.**

L: "This guy likes to mess with your heads, I gotta admit, as things stand now you're all pretty boned. I will help you all out, but I need a commitment from you. I want Hershey and Mars Inc. to grant me free products for life."

"What about the cooperation of the police?"

L: "Sure why not. I want the cooperation of all the police agencies in the world and I want those pin badges you give kids from each one. Especially the Japanese."

Matsuda: "Why Japan?"

L: "Well mostly cuz I'm a weeaboo at heart, but I think the Killer is Japanese."

Matsuda: "What do you base that off?"

L: "Oh I've got tons of evidence, if you want to see it just talk to my lead investigator, Detective Shutupanddoasyouretold."

Matsuda: "Okay, what's his phone number?" Takes out pen eagerly.

Yagami Soichiro: "Uh, Matsuda."

Matsuda: "Not now chief, I'm waiting for the Detective, wait why do you all have that same look on your faces as when you beat me before?"

Matsuda: "AHHH NO!! That doesn't bend that way, ow, ow. Why are you beating me with the laptop, save me Stephen Hawking!"

_**Rules of the Death NoteTM**_

_If the cause of Death is not specified in the Death NoteTM then the victim's head will ASPLODE!_

_In Soviet Death NoteTM, Head ASPLODES YOU!_

**Back in Light's room.**

Light: "There it's hidden"

Ryuk: "It doesn't look hidden"

Light: "What are you talking about, can't you see the sign on this drawer?"

Ryuk read the sign which read, "Certainly no evil notebooks that can kill people in here," on it.

Ryuk: "Have you been spending too much time with Matsuda, Light-kun? Oh never mind."

Light: "Look at this on the computer! People with nothing better to do with their lives are making websites supporting me. Blogs,Youtube tributes, the works."

Ryuk: "Hey what's that website?"

Light: hmm there seems to be a category of Kira fanfics."

Ryuk: "Kira, what's that?"

Light: "It's the Engrish translation of Kira, they call me that because the internet is full of anime loving wapanese dorks."

Ryuk: "Let's see what they're writing about you."

Light: "Hmm, Snow White Queen by xxxBleedingEyelidsxxx666. My name is Raven Mad'ness Mary Sue Armstrong….OH MY ME this is the worst atrocity I've ever seen. I weep for the English language."

Ryuk: "It's pretty bad, but I can think of a worse one. Look at this 'Kira the Abridged Series by Jaded Ninja. He even manages to alienate his target audience in the second chapter."

**Meanwhile while in front of his laptop alone on a Saturday night**

JN: "Not my fourth wall, and I just got it fixed from my last update."

**Back in Japan**

Light: "Anyway the point is I'm getting pretty popular. Kira tribute videos on Youtube have already surpassed Dragonball Z AMV's and on Dailymotion you have to sift through five pages of French Kira videos to find anything in English…

Your personal Dailymotion experiences may vary from that of the author.

"….people are realizing that someone, somewhere is watching them, making sure they don't screw up, the innocent paranoidly rejoice and the guilty run and hide. Soon I will use this fear to have an army of loyal Kira followers, as Megatron always said, Peace through tyranny!"

We interrupt the monologue to bring you a shocking TV report.

"Greetings, I am the overlord of the Police, Lind L. Tailor, let me repeat that name for you, Lind L. Tailor. That's L-I-N-D space L period space T-A-I-L-O-R. Can you see my face well? Could we get another light in here, improve the resolution on the camera a bit? There can you see me better now? Memorize every feature of my face? In fact ya know what, put my face again in a little picture in picture thing in the corner there. Anywho, I, Lind L. Tailor, will be leading the investigation against Kira. I go by the codename L, for Lind L. Tailor. I will catch you Kira. You will be caught be me, Lind L. Tailor."

Light: "How ya gonna pull that off? I got the Death Note, bitch, and you have nothing! Nothing!"

Lind L. Tailor: "I, Lind L. Tailor, am not leading you into a trap, Kira. You are mentally inferior to me, Lind L. Tailor, that is my real name, in every way. There is no way you will ever defeat L, also known as Lind L. Tailor. Furthermore you are evil. I, Lind L. Tailor think you are evil."

Light: "I'm evil, I am god. Anyone who opposes me will be destroyed. I would kill you know, if I only knew your name L."

TV: "Lind L. Tailor, Lind L. Tailor, my name is Lind L. Tailor."

Light: "Of course that's it! I'll ask Jeeves. Who…is…L?" Reads. "I've got you now Lind L. Tailor. Never doubt the power of a search engine."

Light: "Five, four, three two, one, YOUR HEAD A-SPLODE!"

And sure enough it did. Millions everywhere watched a head blow up live on TV. Children were traumatized. Thousands complained to the FCC, the TV network that ran the footage would pay out the nose for years to come, but right now all that mattered was Light's momentary victory was cancelled out by the L with a font size that was OVER NINE THOUSSAND!

L: "I can't believe it, he really can make people's head's ASPLODE.

Light: "HOLY SHIT THEY'RE SENDING STEPHEN HAWKING AFTER ME?"

L: "I am L, know this Kira, the man you killed was a summer intern, and furthermore, I only broadcast this in the Kanto region of Japan, which means you are either in Pallet Town, Viridian City, Pewter City, Cerulean City, Lavender Town, Fuschia City, Saffron City, Celadon City, Cinnabar Island, the Indigo Plateau or the Safari Zone. And believe me I intend to investigate everyone of those places and battle the gym leaders there, thus becoming the first person to catch a serial killer and become a Pokemon master at the same time. And Kira, I just have one thing to tell you, prepare for trouble."

Light: "Oh yeah L well you better make it double."

L: "I will protect the world from your devastation."

Light: "I'll unite the people all over this nation."

L: "To denounce the evils of Head Asplosion."

Light: "To create my empire from ocean to ocean."

L: "L"

Light: "Kira"

L: "Investigation blast off to find this man."

Light: "L I'll kill you before you can."

Ryuk: "Ryuk, Just as planned."

Author's note: Thank you all for your positive reviews, I try my best. To address Matt the Gamer's comment about wanting to be able to watch it like Little Kuriboh's, I suck at making videos, so if anyone wants to put that time and effort into doing it that's fine by me.

Also it's come to my attention that Adult Swim will be broadcasting a dub Death Note around late October. I was planning on doing an update every weekend, but so far my materials been the subbed version. I thought about putting this off and trying to parody the dub version like Kuriboh did, but really it's up to you guys, since you read it.

I think what I may do is watch the dub and do a rewrite/update of the first episode if I feel there's anything worth putting in as a special update, and then see how that compares to the original.


	3. Episode 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata does. If I owned Death Note, Misa would have had access to hammer space. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Episode the Third: Deal or No Deal

Matsuda: "Ok let's review what we've got so far. So far we've received over nine thousand calls, most of them were asking us if our refrigerator was running, but we did receive 14 calls from people claiming to have seen Kira. They gave us detailed reports and from their description we've determined that Kira is about 7-8 feet tall, extremely hairy, elusive, and lives in the forests of Canada."

Soichiro: "That's Bigfoot, you dumbass. So then we have no leads whatsoever. What do we know about the victims."

Aizawa: "The victims, that is all Japanese prisoners dying of acute head Asplosion, were all killed between 11 PM and 2 AM, the majority between 11PM and 12AM and 1:30 and 2AM."

L: "Based off that information it is possible that Kira is a…"

**And then the computer froze.**

L: "Damn Windows Vista! More convenient my ass."

**L unplugged his computer and after running the mandatory scandisk continued.**

L: "It is possible that Kira is an Adult Swim watcher. This would suggest that he is in the 14-25 age range. Also, the high concentration of kills between 11 and 12 suggests that he is tired of their constant whoring of Futurama and Family Guy. The concentration between 1:30 and 2AM suggests that he dislikes Inuyasha, but not enough to simply go to sleep sooner. Based off that information I conclude that Kira is male and an anime lover. He also probably wants to become a god. All in all we can conclude that he is very immature and childish on many levels. This is only a theory, but do not doubt the power of otaku, they may be incapable of bathing at conventions, but we must consider all possibilities."

Soichiro: "Thank you L. Is there anything else anyone would like to say?"

Matsuda: "Umm, I don't mean to give credit to Kira, but the number of crimes around the world is decreasing, is what he's doing really that bad?"

L: "Matsuda please approach my computer, I want to talk to you."

**Matsuda complied and when he got near the computer Watari slapped him, knocking Matsuda to the floor.**

L: "Kira is bad, and I can't have you lowering the IQ of this investigation team, from now on any time I feel you are saying something needlessly stupid, I'm going to electrocute you."

**Watari pulled out a remote control and taped an electrode to Matsuda's leg.**

L: "Don't even think about trying to remove it, it's taped to your leg hairs, and that really hurts."

**Watari pressed a button on his remote control and Matsuda convulsed as the electricity ran through him.**

Matsuda: "AHHHH, it hurts, save me Stephen Hawking, please I beg you."

L: "Now that we know that works, that's all for today, dismissed."

**Afterwards Matsuda bought coffee for Soichiro and went to apologize for his boneheadedness in the meeting.**

Matsuda: "Chief I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like I was supporting Kira."

Soichiro: "Don't apologize, your stupidity lessons the seriousness of the group, we'd go crazy if we didn't have you to laugh at, in fact…"

**Soichiro pulled out a remote control and electrocuted Matsuda, causing him to spill hot coffee all over himself.**

Matsuda: "AHHHH, it burns, both inside and outside, why do you have a remote?"

Soichiro: "Oh man, I'm so glad L decided to let the chief investigators in on the fun, I feel like I could spend the next few weeks on the case nonstop after this."

**Soichiro walked off laughing at Matsuda's misfortune.**

**Meanwhile at Light's house, Light was promising to protect his sister Sayu from the "nasty monster" in exchange for some of her more mind expanding meds.**

Light: "I can't wait to lace Ryuk's apples with these, it's gonna be a blast."

Sayu: "Hey, it looks like dad's home, early even!"

**Sayu ran downstairs to greet him.**

Light: "Hey, at least give me an advance shipment, you drugged up looney."

Sayu: "They're on my bedstand okay?"

**Light and his family ate dinner together, and for the first time Sayu had no incident with Ryuk watching them, due to her new deal for protection.**

Soichiro: "So Light how is school? How many times did you get kicked out of class this week for repeatedly saying 'just as planned' repeatedly?"

Light: "Only four."

Soichiro: "That's an improvement, though I don't see what your obsession is with that catchphrase, it's not even that great. Hell even 'Believe it' would be a better catchphrase."

**Meanwhile somewhere in Konoha**:

Naruto and company are stalking out a highly dangerous location: "BELIEVE IT!"

Sasuke: "What the Hell did you do that for, you've completely blown our cover!"

Naruto: "I just got the feeling, someone, somewhere said something that needed to be punctuated by my catchphrase."

**Team 7 is brutally slaughtered by enemy ninja, back to Light's room.**

Ryuk: "So Light, your father doesn't suspect a thing?"

Light: "No, Ryuk."

Ryuk: "Even though you hack into his computer to get the names of criminals?"

Light: "He never checks file history, defrags, or even washes his cookies, I could sign him up for every porno site out there and he'd have no clue what happened."

Ryuk: "Man, that's just not fair, using the old guys lack of knowledge about technology against him……..I love it! What was that you said about signing him up for dirty websites?"

Light: "Yeah I could do that, but I'm trying to kill people, if the police stop investigating me, I'll show you how to do that to people to your heart's content."

Ryuk: "All the more reason for you to get L's name."

Light: "You know, you could help me."

Ryuk: "I'm just here to watch, I just want you to know that I have the power to aid you, but I will never use it since being a dick is fun."

Light: "Fine, whatever asshole. Looks like the police have begun suspecting an Adult Swim watcher is committing the killings, and discovered my hatred for Inuyasha. I wonder, if I write Head Asplosion as the cause of death, then write the name of the TV show that's on when I want the death to happen, if it will work, perhaps one of those commercial bumps could help me…"

**Deus Ex Commercial Bump**

_**Death NoteTM for Dummies**_

_If the cause of Death is written within 10 seconds of the Name and the writer's shoe is on his head then an additional 3-5 minutes is added to write details about the death._

_The makers of Death NoteTM reserve the right to deny any Death, name, or cause of Death that may be written in Death NoteTM that violates the TOS agreement, the writer must agree to the TOS within four weeks of writing a name in the Death NoteTM and must have read and agreed to the TOS within the last 5 years to avoid having to reread and agree should the writer wish to use a new Death NoteTM._

**End Commercial Bump**

Light: "Well that was convenient, so Ryuk, what are these TOS?"

Ryuk: "Oh not much, just that you promise not to post spoilers or profanity or flame anyone in the Death Note, you know like any other agreement."

Light: "Well then I guess I agree."

Ryuk: "Ok, good to get that piece of beauracracy out of the way."

Light: "You know, things would go more smoothly if you'd just tell me everything I need to know at once."

Ryuk: "Nah, my information having a Deus Ex Machina feel to it is much more fun."

**A brief check on the investigation team.**

Soichiro: "What, there were deaths during every hour of the day yesterday?"

Aizawa: "Yes, that's right."

Soichiro: "Is there any sort of pattern to this like before?"

Matsuda: "Well all the deaths to coincide with an airing of either Scrubs, the Daily Show, or the Colbert Report on Comedy Central! Maybe he watches those shows?"

**Matsuda's suggestion was met with an electric shock.**

L: "Moron, everyone knows Comedy Central airs those shows about 4 times a day, it's only a coincidence. It's obvious that I was wrong, the identity of Kira is a complete mystery that no one can solve."

Matsuda: "What….if….he….figured….out….we were….targeting….Adult Swim watchers…..and intentionally….changed his pattern.

L: "Hmm, what if he figured out we were targeting Adult Swim watchers and intentionally changed his pattern to suit it, that could be the case."

Soichiro, Aizawa, and Mogi: "Great idea L, that must be it!"

Matsuda: "It was my idea."

**All three men and Watari shocked Matsuda.**

L: "Stop saying words. However, if that were the case then Kira's speedy response would mean that Kira has access to police records."

**Back in Light's room**

Light: "Now to check on the investigation team's progress on my case….oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, they've figured out that the person who's Kira has access to police files. Oh this is so not just as planned."

Ryuk: "I think your father has a point Light, that's not that great a catchphrase."

Light: "Well what should I say then Ryuk? Super special awesome? Friggin Sweet? D'oh? That's called plagiarism Ryuk, and that's not cool."

Jaded Ninja: "That's right kids, you should never ever take someone's idea without first asking them, why you'd have to be an inconsiderate loser to do that."

Ryuk: "Ugh, fine so what are you going to do now Light?"

Light: "First I intend to soil myself, then intend to regroup and come up with a new plan."

**Returning to the investigation.**

Soichiro: "What are these?"

Cowards: "As you can see they are class action lawsuits, unless you release us from this case, we will sue your ass for endangering us and our families."

Soichiro: "No court in the world will side with a policeman who doesn't want to do his job."

Cowards: "That's not true, we've already lined up the judge who sided with the lady who burned herself with McDonalds coffee, and hired the lawyer for the OJ case."

Soichiro: "You heartless bastards."

Xehanort: "Hey I take offense at that, I'm staying on the case."

Soichiro: "Oh right, I'm sorry, didn't see you there."

L: "Let the cowards go Soichiro, I don't need their kind on the case."

**The cowards leave.**

L: "Dammit I was bluffing, I never was good at reverse psychology."

**Now a new location, L's secret base.**

The man on L's computer: "I had the FBI arrive in Japan earlier this week."

L: "The FBI? Can't you do anything right, I specifically asked for the KGB."

Man: "L, the KGB hasn't existed since the fall of the Soviet Union in the 90s."

L: "I don't want to hear your excuses, you've failed me again Starscream. I guess there's no sense in crying over spilled milk, just have the FBI investigate the police."

Man: "Is that ethical, investigating your allies without their knowledge or consent?"

L: "You see this is exactly why I wanted the KGB, they don't question orders they just get the job done. Stupid capitalists."

**Ryuk is walking home with Light**

Ryuk: "Hey Light, remember how I said I was going to withhold and all knowledge I have until it retained an almost Deus Ex Machina like property to it?"

Light: "Yeah why?"

Ryuk: "Well now's one of those times, we're being followed."

Light: "I hope it's not fangirls."

**Fortunately for Light it was not fangirls and he managed to get home without being mobraped.**

Ryuk: "Light, today's your lucky day, the DEM knowledge is just abounding. Death God's kill humans to steal their lifespans for themselves, and with our hacked eyes we can see anyone's name and lifespans just by looking at their face."

Light: "Why are you telling me this? Do you just want to brag about how much better you are than me?"

Ryuk: "Well that's an added bonus, but I can give you my hacked eyes."

Light: "So that I could see my stalker's name, and were I to have a picture of him, L's name?"

Ryuk: "Exactly."

Light: "What do I have to do to get them?"

Ryuk: "Not much, just give me half your lifespan."

Light: "Hmm, that's an interesting proposal, I'll need some time to think about it?

Ryuk: "How long?"

Light: "Oh about one week."

Ryuk: "You're serious, you're gonna make everyone wait one week for a yes or no answer to a simple question."

Light: "Yes Ryuk, it's called a cliffhanger ending, it ensures that we'll have readers next update."

Ryuk: "Does that really work?"

Light: "As long as we don't unnecessarily abuse the endings it will work JUST AS PLANNED."

Ryuk: C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER.

Author's Note: There you have it the third episode. I actually had written out Light's response to the eye deal before watching and realizing they put it off until episode 4. Also the thing about Death Note on Adult Swim, I can't find anywhere confirming it, but has blocked out what's running in the 12AM spot after the 20th of October, and that's what the buzz on the Adult Swim action board on Gamefaqs tells me. I'm also running off a high right now, since FUNimation took over dubbing One Piece, no more horrid 4Kids version. I loathe 4Kids, and actually considered doing a 4Kids Death Note parody before settling on this one. Anyway, hope you enjoy it.


	4. Episode 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Let's all thank Tsugumi for not writing my name in the Death Note for forgetting about him for so long. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

This week Death Note will have an opening theme. Well not really, since it's reading, but you can imagine the sound if you watch Adult Swim Sunday nights. Written by the most brutal band ever, Dethklok:

_KillanyonewithDeathNote!_

_KillanyonewithDeathNote!_

_KillanyonewithDeathNote!_

_KillanyonewithDeathNote!_

_**DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE!**_

_I'm…writing…in…the…_

_**DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE!**_

_Ryuk the Shinigami, sorta like a ghost,_

_Tota Matsuda, dumb as a post,_

_L's last name is Lawliet, Lawliet, Lawliet,_

_Raye Penber's gonna die soon,_

_Yagami Light is Kiraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!_

Episode the Fourth: Purses and Suits.

Ryuk: "Hey Light, you've had not one week but two to think about it what's your answer?"

Light: "Well I was going to say yes, but I reconsidered in the extra week given to me by the author."

Ryuk: "Seriously I would have had half your lifespan if this had been updated last week?"

Light: "Yup, funny ain't it."

Ryuk: "Damn that lazy Jaded Ninja, I coulda hit the jackpot with this kid's life!"

Light: "Besides I intend to be god, why the hell would I shorten my reign for your eyes, I'm clearly genius enough to outsmart L. Beating L will be as easy as beating an albino child who eats candy and plays with action figures. It's a shame though I might have traded for the wings. Flying would be fricking sweet."

Ryuk: "The Wings are 2/3rds of your life."

Light: "Holy Shit, I was kidding Ryuk. Any other body parts you Death Gods hawking that you want to tell me about?"

Ryuk: "I can trap someone's soul in my stomach, but you have to give me yours for that, also if I stab you in the chest with a sword you can become one of us. Umm let's see, my tears can cure cancer, those cost 5 years, and my fingers can be used in witch's potions."

Light: "You Death God's sell more body parts than an underground market in Latin America. I'm surprised you never wake up in an ice filled bathtub with your kidneys' missing."

Ryuk: "So Light, you got a plan then since you're smart enough to beat this guy without my eyes?"

Light: "Well according to your rules, I can write whatever I want as details of the death. Let's have some fun experimenting and see just how much I can do."

**The Next Day**

Soichiro answers the phone: "Hello…no I'm very happy with my insurance….am I covered in case of Head Asplosion….well no I don't think so….really I can get a free quote comparing your rates to the leading companies online….well who's got the lowest rates….no fooling it's you…..well alright then, yes you can sign me up for Nationwide…oh hold on I've got another call. _Click. _What Kira killed more people, actually can this wait, I'm sorta making an insurance deal right now….yeah kinda important, it's not like these are any different from before….what they are different…oh shit that is unique, yeah hold on I gotta right this down…okay so one of them cut off his own finger and then drew DaVinci's Last Supper in his own blood on the wall before his head blew up….another one left a suicide note written entirely in iambic pentameter, and a third escaped from prison only to have his head asplode inside a Friendly's two tables down from an 8 year old's birthday party….that sick bastard, I have to tell L this."

**L's computer room**

Watari, on the computer: "L, I have urgent news about the Kira case…wait are you still putting your laptop on the floor? What have I told you about doing that? You're gonna break it from the force of your footsteps. You think you'd learn from when it happened to your CD player, and your PS2, and even your SNES. How the hell did you manage that one? You can drop that thing off the roof and still play it if you blow on the cartridge, and yet you broke it. Buy a damn table, already L."

L: "Shut up you aren't my real daddy! My real father would let me put everything on the floor!"

**L began having a tantrum and jumped up and down, causing his computer to break just as Watari predicted. L booted up his backup laptop and once Watari was back on the screen said: ** "Shut up."

**L reviewed the data.**

L: "Hmm, Kira can already decide which TV show the criminals will die during, perhaps he can control their pre-death actions as well. Chief, it's possible Kira is having fun messing with us."

Soichiro: "Do you want me to withhold the information from the media?"

L: "No, I have a better plan; tell everything to the National Enquirer, no one will believe them."

**Light's room.**

Light: Look Ryuk, the data's already in my father's computer, bask in the glory of my handiwork…." ** Light brought up the picture of the criminals blood drawn Last Supper.** "….Talentless hack, he switched the location of Thomas and Philip…oh well still rather impressive. This Death Note is fairly fun. I sorta wish I'd picked a more entertaining MO than Head Asplosion, oh well at least I learned what I wanted."

Ryuk: "So what did you do?"

Light: "Well you see, the painting, the suicide note, and traumatization of a child all went down exactly as I wrote, however there were three more people that I deliberately gave impossible instructions. For one I wrote, dies in front of Enron headquarters. Everyone knows that Enron went bankrupt so his head merely asploded. For the second I wrote, draws an exact likeness of Joan River's face on the wall. Miss Rivers has had so much plastic surgery that no one knows what her true face looks like anymore, so that criminal's head just asploded. For the last one I told the criminal to write the location of Jimmy Hoffa's body. I thought this might work, but apparently you can't make someone write something they don't know. In other words, the Death Note is magic enough to kill someone, but not magic enough to do the impossible."

Ryuk, "That's all well and nice if you're having fun, Light, but what are you going to do with that knowledge?"

Light, "Flaunt my superiority over L with meaningless riddles to throw him off the scent."

**Meanwhile L was trying to solve the meaningless puzzle Light had left him.**

L: "Kira's planning something and if Scooby Doo taught me anything it's that he left me a secret message that will enable me and the gang to solve this mystery, isn't that right Matsuda?"

Matsuda: "You can't be serious."

L: "Do it or I'll shock you."

Matsuda: "Sigh, fine….Rehehehehe, Reah, Rystery."

L: "Have a Matsuda snack."

Matsuda: "I don't see any snacks."

L: "That's because I'm feeding you electricity."

**L shocked Matsuda**

L: "That never gets old."

**Meanwhile Light was enacting his master plan to get rid of his FBI stalker.**

Light: "I'll use this guy who was on the news. Got wasted and robbed a bunch of banks. Now to make some phone calls."

Ryuk: "Who are you calling?"

Light: "The skanks at my school of course, I may not look it Ryuk, but I'm a pimp."

_**Death NoteTM for Dummies**_

_The person who uses Death NoteTM cannot go to Heaven or Hell, it's Purgatory for you, bitch!_

_Side effects of Death NoteTM include nausea, diaherrea, dry mouth, egomania, and loss of sleep. If you experience delusions of being a god, it may be the sign of a rare but serious allergic reaction. Consult your physician before using Death NoteTM. Women who are pregnant or could become pregnant should not use Death NoteTM._

**Outside….That's right Light is going outside, will the sunlight burn his fair skin that sits in his dark room lit only by the luminescent glow of the computer? Read on to find out.**

Light: "So it isn't a fangirl who's following me, it's a fanboy…that's even worse. Oh well I'll be rid of you soon enough."

Ho from school: "Light!"

**Light doesn't acknowledge her, playing the moody, emo card that reels in all the chicks in anime.**

Ryuk: "What are you planning?"

Light: "A date."

Ryuk: "But this isn't a date, I saw you write that druggie's name in the Death Note."

Light: "Shut up before you ruin a 'just as planned' moment, I haven't said it yet all episode…Dammit you made me waste the first one."

Ryuk: "Just as planned."

**Light talked to the girl about the plan for the day meanwhile in the shadows…**

Unknown FBI agent…okay ya know what I'm not typing that again, if you're reading this that means you've already seen this episode so let's not beat around the bush, Raye Penber, there I spoiled the whole rest of the episode. Raye Penber: Light's on a date with a girl? Well there goes the theory I've been building on him for the last week. I guess he is straight."

Light: "Just as planned."

Raye: "Now I will inconspicuously slip onto the bus, no one will notice a lone American on a bus of all Japanese people, nope that's not suspicious in any way."

**On the bus.**

Ho: "So Light I was surprised you asked me out, I thought you were well, you know…"

Light: "NO, I'm straight dammit! I have no clue why everyone thinks I'm gay."

Ho: "Oh, Pardon me."

**No talking as light acoustic music plays over the scene. Let's listen.**

_The wheels on the bus go round and round_

_Round and Round, Round and Round_

_The wheels on the bus go round and round_

_All through the town._

**Ryuk whips out Death Note, folk singer's head asplodes 40 seconds later. And that's the end of our musical break.**

**A creepy man who's looking for his next hit of smack gets on the bus. Moments after entering he takes the entire bus hostage.**

Druggie: "I have a bomb strapped to my chest and if this buses' speed drops below 50 mph I'm going to blow this bus up, and everyone on board."

Old Woman: "Someone save us! Where is Bruce Willis when you need him?"

**Light passed a note to his date**

_Don't worry I'll save us, I brought some of my sister's Ritalin and I'll offer it to him in exchange for our freedom._

**Being the good stalker he was Raye read the note which Light made no obvious effort to hide.**

Raye: "Don't, it's too dangerous, the Ritalin will just make him more edgy, now if you had Nyquil I'd say go for it, but if it comes down to it leave everything to me."

Light montonically replied as he had practiced: "And why would you help, what are you some member of the FBI?"

Raye: "Why yes I am."

Light: "You got proof?"

Raye: "Yeah, I got proof right here, I'm Officer STFUAndQuitAskingQuestions."

Druggie: "Hey watcha doing back there? Plotting against me?"

**The Drug Addict walked to the back of the bus and snatched the note Light had.**

Druggie: "You've got Ritalin and you're holding out on me, gimme, gimme, gimme! Ahhh what's that?"

**The hijacker could now see Ryuk, the paper had been from the Death Note! After pleading for the Ritalin to make the monster go away he emptied his gun shooting at Ryuk. Fortunately for Light one of the shots knocked Raye Penber's badge from his pocket and it landed open on the floor. After stealing a quick glance at the name Light cowered in fear like the rest of the bus afraid of any more errant shots the Death Note might direct at him.**

Light: "I should have known better than to trust the Death Note to fix a drug addicts shaky aim."

**After emptying his clip, the hijacker ordered the bus to stop and jumped out afraid of what would happen now that he was weaponless. He was promptly run over by car. Light summed everything he wrote in the Death Note up.**

Light: "Ooserada Kiichirou, flattened by a car 11:45. Holds the bus hostage, sees a monster, shoots wildly at monster, flees bus when out of bullets, immediately hit by a car, bleeds an unnatural anime amount of blood. Just as Planned. You're next Raye Penber, and I have just one question for you. Whatcha gonna do brother, when the Death Note runs wild on you?"

Authors Note: Sorry about the delay it took me an extra week to find the episode since it wasn't on Youtube. Currently I'm using Daily Motion, although if I recall correctly I had issues with that on my first run through as well. Next week is the big week folks, Light and his buddies have their adventures in full dubbed English. I actually saw a girl with a Death Note purse this week a college, I had to suppress the urge to yell "Sakujo" at her.

Halfnium, while I appreciate your fervor and humor, please refrain from using the terms "worship you" in reference to me. I know it was meant harmlessly, but unlike our good friend Light, I have no desire to ever be held in the same esteem as a god, even in jest.


	5. Episode 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, no one would ever want to air in Japan, let alone America. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Episode 5: Katmari Diplomacy

**The episode opens at the scene of the drug addicts untimely death.**

Raye Penber: You there, I'm here on a top secret mission, so just forget you saw me okay?

Light: Okay

Raye Penber walking away: Oh man, nothing's gone just as we planned, not only am I no closer to finding Kira, but I've blown my cover.

Light: That's it now it's personal, you can't steal my catchphrase.

Ryuk: It's not like you own it Light.

Seto Kaiba: That's right, I own it, by the way don't wish anyone a Merry Christmas this year either, I just bought the rights to that phrase.

Light: Hey it's against the rules for there to be more than one self righteous asshole in an anime.

Seto Kaiba: Screw the rules I have-

Light: Just as Planned

**The two catchphrases formed lasers and did battle in the air in a battle too awesome to be shown on screen, instead let's go check on Raye Penber, Secret Agent.**

Raye: I'm home.

Raye's GF: What's wrong you seem distressed?

Raye: I was in a bus jacking, nothing a stiff drink won't fix….bitch I specifically told you I like my martini's shaken, not stirred.

Raye's GF: And you just happened to be on that bus?

Raye: Yeah, but don't worry the guy who did it is dead.

GF: That's a little suspicious, do you think it might be…

Raye: Hey, who's the FBI agent here?

GF: I was one too!

Raye: Listen bitch, I agreed to meet your parents, don't tell me how to do my job, once your popping out my kids, and doing the dishes you won't have time to worry about this stuff so there's no point in playing the secret agent anymore. Now get in bed, I wanna junction your ass till I get severe long term memory loss.

**Light's house**

Ryuk: Wow Light I can't believe you escaped that one with Kaiba, I thought you were a goner for sure.

Light: Yep it was a pure stroke of genius to escape that potentially lethal situation.

Ryuk: I don't think I've ever seen that much blood in my life, the network will never let us show that again.

Light: Yup, I sure hope everyone memorized what happened, it truly was epic. Now let's mess around with L somemore.

**L's secret base located in the remote mountains of Tibet.**

Microphone: L, another criminal left a dying message.

L: Send me a picture.

**L is sent a picture of the dying message.**

L (reading): L, can you see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Watari, monitor the prisons, there may be the answer to this question in another message from Kira.

Watari: Understood.

L: Why do they love it? Damn you General Mills!

**A street corner several weeks later.**

Ryuk: There sure are a lot of people here, are you going to do it now Light.

Light: No, it's far too cold to expose myself in public, I don't want them to think I'm tiny….oh you meant the plan, yes, yes I am. I'll show them the fruits of my loins and the result of my experimentation in the last few days…wait no, I mean research, research.

Ryuk: You are by far the creepiest human I have ever had the misfortune to be stuck with, I will relish the moment I write you name in my Note.

Light: Shut up here he comes right on time….

Ryuk: Are you gonna say it?

Light: Say what?

Ryuk: You know your line.

Light: No, what do you think I am a one hit wonder? **Takes epic bite of chip. ** I'm a TWO hit wonder.

Light: Raye Penbar-san, don't turn around, if you do I'll…

Raye: Don't rape me, please.

Light: Dammit, why does everyone think I'm gay! I'm not gay!

Ryuk: Please you make Dumbledore look butch.

Light: If you turn around or even reach into your pocket, I'll kill you, I'm Kira, not Rapea.

Raye: This voice I've heard it somewhere before…

**Raye thinks back to all the voices he's heard recently.**

Greasy Teen: Enjoy your fries sir

Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Smeagol: Our precious, we wants it, we wants it.

The Rock: IF YA SMELLLALALALALALA!

Raye: Well that was no help.

Light: It seems you're not convinced, watch me seemingly arbitrarily kill that bystander.

**Man's head Asplodes, some of the blood splatters Raye.**

Light: Unlike me, that man was a rapist, who used the precedent of the OJ case to walk free. But no one can escape Kira. Need more proof? Pick someone, I'll gladly oblige, it's all request hour and you've got the phone Raye.

Raye: I believe you. What do you want from me?

Light: On your laptop, you have the names of everyone on the FBI investigation team correct?

Raye: No, that would be incredibly stupid for them all to be in one place.

Light: Okay, time for Plan B, take this envelope, put the headphone in your ear, the Ipod that is connected to plays nothing but Linkin Park's new album, if you pull anything you'll die listening to them sell out.

Raye: You're bluffing,

_What I've done!_

Raye: Ahh okay, you heartless bastard.

Light: Now board the subway and sit in the corner seat by the door.

**Raye complied:** Ewww what is this, it feels like urine.

Light: Just as Planned. Now how many people did the FBI dispatch to Japan?

Raye: Four teams, 12 total people.

Light: Now open the envelope.

**Raye did and the at the top of the envelope it said, 4 teams, 12 people.**

Light: That's right bitch, I'm psychic, in the first space write the name of your direct superior. Now open your computer, he should be sending you an email.

**Raye did and opened the email: **Is your penis too small? Try Cialis. Erections lasting more than four hours, though uncommon, are a serious condition and you should consult a physician immediately.What's this crap?

Light: Now you should be getting the real email.

**Raye received a second email containing the names and faces of all the agents.**

Light: Now write them all down same as before, while carefully looking at their faces.

**Raye complied.**

Light: Now leave the envelope on the luggage rack and once you're sure no one will notice you forgot it GET OFF MY TRAIN.

Raye: Great, now to add to the confusion of who it is, he had to do a Harrison Ford impersonation.

**Raye began to get off the train when suddenly he heard.**

_What I've done_

_I'll face myself_

_To cross out what I've become_

_Erase myself_

_And let go of what I've DONE!_

**Raye looked back at the train and saw the figure of Kira and finally realized who it was too late.**

Light: Remember when I said I'd only play the song if you disobeyed me?

Raye: That's right you did say that!

Light: I lied.

**Raye's head asploded and Light uttered his overly famous meme for what must be the thousandth time.**

Light's quick summary of the past 10 minutes: What Raye wrote on was a page of the Death Note I tore out. He killed his own buddies, when he wrote his superior's name down he made him send the file. It's true I took a gamble in that he'd actually think of his bosses' face when he wrote it but plot protection really helped me out. How did I know there were 12? I phoned Miss Cleo earlier today.

Light: Hello Ms. Cleo, I need to ask you a question.

Ms. Cleo: Is dere a man in your life darlin'?

Light: No Dammit! I'm not gay!

Ms. Cleo: Da cards don't lie darlin', and I got da Dumblydore card right here.

Light: Just tell me how many FBI agents are in Japan dammit!

Ms. Cleo: Well ya know it's difficult, but sometimes ya just gotta let things be.

Light: You aren't helping!

Ms. Cleo: What are dese disturbing influences I'm sensing next to da moon card?

Light: I'm hanging up now.

Ms. Cleo: Glad to help you darlin', you go get dat man back.

Light: I'm not gay!

Light: Then I just guessed.

_**Death NoteTM for Dummies.**_

_Anyone who touches Death NoteTM can see a Death God, even if they don't own it. Use this power wisely._

_The Death NoteTM is the cousin of the Soul Slayer, knowing your Death NoteTM's name can release a second more powerful state._

**L's secret base.**

Watari: L, we received a call from the director to the FBI.

Director: It's me, I your answer, kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch because it has Cinnamon Sugar Swirls in every bite, also my entire investigation team is dead.

L: What a noble sacrifice, I will not forget that they died to bring me this information.

Director: No actually we think it was Kira that got them.

L: Oh shit, well that's different, **mutters** the KGB would have gotten the job done.

Director: What was that?

L: Huh, I can't hear you I'm driving through a tunnel, I'm gonna hang up now. **Click. ** I think I handled that well.

Director: He hung up on me! Well he can forget about getting more agents…FROM AMERICA!

Watari: We have a call from Chief Yagami.

L: Why do I always get a ton of calls right after I downsize my minutes plan? Nobody ever calls me when I have a bunch. Alright fine make it quick.

Chief: The FBI director told me everything, explain yourself or you're sleeping on the couch.

L: KGB wouldn't have tattled, I decided it was necessary to do it to find out who Kira is.

Yagami: That's unacceptable.

L: It's how I roll, if you don't like my method's get the hell out.

**The police highly considered doing it, but for now they're still on board.**

Watari: Another message from a victim.

L: What is it now? I'm gonna be hit with so many overages, I need a rollover plan.

Light's voice: It's the taste you can see.

L: Kira, you bastard.

**Yagami family meeting.**

Soichiro: Even if I try to hide it you'll find out sooner or later. There's someone else.

Sayu: You're getting divorced! OH NOES! **Pops pills.**

Soichiro: What no, well that too, but I'm in charge of the Kira investigation. Anyway I guess it's important for you to remember that it's not your fault.

Light: For the divorce or the investigation?

Soichiro: The divorce, why would the investigation be your fault?

Light: Umm no reason, nope nothing at all, my mistake, I'm not Kira.

Soichiro: Of course you aren't.

**At the police headquarters.**

Soichiro: Kira kills everyone who comes after him, and L is less than trustworthy, if you want to drop out feel free to.

Matsuda: What about you chief?

Soichiro: She gets the house, so I got no where else to go, I'm sticking with it to the end. Thank you for bringing up that painful fact.

Matsuda: No problem chief.

**Matsuda was electrocuted.**

**While everyone was considering this, someone was conducting her own investigation.**

Bus driver: This is a nice picture of the two of you, he was your fiancé you say? What happened to him?

GF: He's dead

Bus driver: Oh so your single again then? Well..

GF: Ugh.

**GF walks away.**

GF: If my theory is correct, than Kira was on that bus, and I'm going to get a free meal. That bastard better take me to the Outback.

**At the police station only a few people were left.**

Soichiro: This is it? Only 5?

Matsuda: Actually I'm leaving too.

Soichiro: You don't get to leave, we need you…well not for anything important, but shocking you makes me feel better.

L: I guess I'll have to be more straightforward with you guys who are left. If I don't have any more pawns, then I'll be defenseless. As a reward for making it this far, come meet me. I am in the Teitou Hotel, it will be the new base of operations. Split up and meet me at midnight.

**L is standing at a window in his room.**

L: Now to hide my face for another week, however I will give the fangirls a full body shot to ogle me by. Everyone watching has seen you Kira eat your heart out. I will reign as the true male hottie of the show.

**In Light's room**

Light: I get the feeling that someone, somewhere is threatening my position as the main character, have I made any mistakes to make people hate me? How should I win back the people's favor? The real battle for ratings starts now, L!

Author's Note: Thank you all for reading so far and for your reviews. I wanted to finish this before Death Note came on, but the Sox were playing Game 6 of the League Championship series and facing elimination so that didn't happen. They won though, so that makes me happy for now. I get to do it all over again tomorrow though. I swear that team has taken so many years off my life. If a Death God decided to kill me he probably wouldn't get much. Anyway, Death Note dub just ended. It was awesome! I thought Light's voice could use a little work, but still amazing. No song this week, I thought it repetitive to use the same one more than once when I'm just writing, and I couldn't think of how to fully change the one I'm going to use next, but rest assured I will Death Notify more songs. Read and review, k thnx bai.


	6. Episode 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, then instead of wings, I would have asked for eyes that could tell whether girls were interested in you or not, would save me a lot of time. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

New Theme song! The last remnant of 4Kids One Piece.

_APPLES!_

_Don't give em up Ryuk!_

_SUGARCUBES!_

_Don't give em up Eru!_

_KILLING!_

_Don't give it up Raito!_

_KILLING! DON'T GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP!_

_This is how the story goes Light finds out,_

_There's a notebook that kills people, like Gwen Stefani from No Doubt,_

_The teenager who's epicly writing in it, will lol,_

_I'll be God of the planet, and I'll kill them all!_

_DEATH NOTE, DEATH NOTE DEATH NOOOTE! DEATH NOOOTE!_

_He's voiced by Brad Swaile, who also voiced Quatre,_

_The blonde kid from Gundam,_

_Didn't he also do Miroku, the perv from Inuyasha?_

_No-o-o, that was Kirby Morrow._

_DEATH NOTE, DEATH NOOOOTE._

_His name's Ryuk, the Shinigami guy_

_And an M-O-R-O-N, Matsuda's probably high,_

_Light's doing that preppy asshole thing,_

_L's deducing,_

_Ryuk's apple eating!_

_DEATH NOTE, DEATH NOTE, DEATH NOOOTE! DEATH NOOTE!_

_Write in the Death Note,_

_Wanna be God of the planet_

_In the new world_

_DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE! WRITE IN THE DEATH NOTE!_

Episode 6: Open Seams? See a Tailor.

**The camera slowly pans up L's body, breaking only for reaction shots of the investigation team. Finally it ends at L's head, showing a disheveled man with bed-head and baggy eyes.**

L: That is called fanservice.

Matsuda: This guy…he's somehow different from what I've imagined.

Soichiro: What did you expect?

Matsuda: I'll show you!** Matsuda takes out a pencil and paper and draws: An S, a more different S, closes it up real nice at the top, using consummate V's gives L teeth and scales, gives him wings, and throws a beefy arm in there for good measure.**

Soichiro: Why wings?

Matsuda: Ya know, if he's a wingaling detective!

Soichiro: That's TROGDOR THE BURNiNATOR you moron.

**Matsuda was shocked for his insolence.**

L: BANG!

Soichiro: What are you doing?

L: How's my Irvine Kinneas impersonation?

Matsuda: It could use some work…no wait I mean it's beautiful.

L: Too late. **Presses shock remote.** Come this way. Please turn off your cell phones and electrical devices before entering the theater, don't forget to go to the lobby to get me snacks.

Soichiro: Is that necessary?

L: I wasn't asking.

**And so the investigation each got L a movie sized candy and moved into the meeting room with L sitting in a modified fetal position.**

Matsuda: We've been sitting here watching you drink tea for 10 minutes, either share some with us or start talking, L!

L: Don't call me L from now on, call me Ryuzaki.

Matsuda: If we just stopped broadcasting criminals wouldn't the killings stop?

**L shocked Matsu-**

L: I said don't call me L, that goes for you too!

Jaded Ninja: Screw you I'll do what I want

**L shocked Jaded Ninja.**

JN: Hey, when did you put that on there!

Ryuzaki: I can build a skyscraper in downtown Tokyo, don't doubt my power.

Ryuzaki: If we stopped broadcasting criminals names then civilians would die.

Aizawa: How'd you reach that conclusion genius?

Ryuzaki: Kira's a big baby and hates to lose.

Aizawa: You're pulling that out of your ass, what's your basis?

Ryuzaki: I'm the same way.

Aizawa: That's pretty shaky logic.

Ryuzaki: It's not! It's not! It's NOT! Ryuzaki kicked Aizawa. Take it back!

Aizawa: Okay, okay. Jeez, I see what you mean.

Ryuzaki: We have to use the media to our advantage, let's just tell Kira that 1,500 agents have entered Japan.

Soichiro: Good thinking, he'll feel cornered and he can't actually kill them because they don't exist, you're a genius Ryuzaki!

Ryuzaki: Actually I was just sick of him taunting me and I wanted to mess with his head a bit, but that works too. Now here's what I think, Kira works alone, needs a name and a face, and can control the time and actions leading up to the death of a criminal. **Takes out a marker.** Keep that in mind while I draw on Matsuda's face. ** Begins drawing and continues speaking.** December 14th, 12 FBI agents enter Japan, December 19th, Kira starts having fun with criminals. Any one got a connection between the two?

Matsuda: Maybe it was his birthday and he wanted to celebrate?

**I think we all know what happened next.**

Mogi: Maybe he learned about the FBI agents in that time, and started trying to think of a way to get rid of them all.

Ryuzaki: Or maybe, Kira learned the FBI was after him between those five days, and started using the killings as a way to experiment to see if he could rid himself of the nuisance in one fell swoop. It was my idea, we'll go with it.

Mogi: You just said exactly what I said.

Soichiro, Matsuda, Aizawa, and the one who gets spoilered by Spoilers: You're a genius Ryuzaki!

Mogi: It was my idea!

Ryuzaki: Then on the 27th,

**Scene cuts to Light in his room**

Light: I decided that this episode had gone long enough without an appearance from it's main character.

Ryuzaki: I was talking, loser.

Light: No one wants to see your skinny, coked out ass anyway. Go get some sleep you look like you need it.

Ryuzaki: And look at you, Mister Stereotypicalemopreppyboy, oh man your life must suck so much with your perfect grades. Wah, wah, I'm number one in the nation no one knows my pain, I'll just kill them all. Besides, chicks dig the dirty, unkempt look. And I can't afford to sleep since eye contact is key to the art of seduction.

**Later Ryuk decided to show up.**

Ryuk: Hey, Light, sup, no Death Note today?

Light: Dammit, I left you a whole plate full of apples, how can you be finished already?

Ryuk: This is the last one, I ate while I walked so I could chill with you.

Light: I guess I won't get any solo screentime today.

**Scene goes back to Ryuzaki.**

Light: Hey I wasn't finished.

Ryuzaki: Deal with it bitch, my fangirls get what they want, I'm making up for lost time in the first 5 episodes. This list has all the people the FBI investigated between the 14th and 19th don't take it out of he-

Matsuda: Amazing Kira is on this list.

Ryuzaki: You cut me off.

Matsuda: I'm sorry, please just shock me.

Ryuzaki: No that's too good for you, this time you must suffer. Fangirls attack!

**Matsuda was pummeled senseless. Ryuzaki walked up to the window.**

Ryuzaki: Just one more, if there were just one clue…

Light: If there were just one more apple…

Both: Just one more, and I'd have all the screentime!

_**Death NoteTM for Dummies**_

_If a human uses the Death Note, a God of Death usually appears within 39 days. If the Death God does not appear union rules prevent the Death NoteTM from working until the Death God does decide to show up._

_God's of Death, do not do, __**IN PRINCIPLE,**__ anything to help or prevent deaths in the note. That's in principle, Ryuk, theoretically you could be less of a douchebag._

Ryuk: You done moping about your lost screentime?

Light: I guess. It's okay because they'll never find me, so I'll stay a main character. The most risky thing was the busjacking, but there's no way to tie it to me, the police think I'm limited only to head asplosions. However if that were discovered, I'd be screwed.

**Downstairs**

Sayu: I have to take my medicine now? I feel fine.

**Light walked down with Ryuk.**

Sayu: EEK! It's back! **Pops pills.**

Mom: Oh Light could you take these clothes to your father, there's just so much of his crap still around after the divorce.

Light: I suppose.

**Raye's GF is on the train, possibly the same one he died on, we don't know, that is grounds for another fanfic to handle.**

GF: That day, I'm pretty sure Raye said he was going to Shinjuku.

Ghost of Raye: Actually Shinjuku just means "Shut up bitch, I'll go where I want" in Japanese.

GF: Then the busjacking happened. Kira must have been on that bus, and he must have killed that busjacker. So then he can use methods other than head asplosion to kill people.

**Light's outside for once.**

Cell phone: The number you have dialed is out of your plan, please hang up and convince the person you are calling to get Cingular wireless.

Light: Damn my vengeful mother for changing our cell phone plan after the divorce. Now I have no way of talking to father.

**Light sees the police station.**

Light: I wonder if I'll run into someone who has figured everything out.

GF: I need to speak with the investigation directly.

Clerk: I'm sorry ma'am but this is Death Note, female characters aren't allowed to accomplish anything, the closest we can get is Mello and even he has to die for it to count. I can show you to a store that sells skanky gothic merchandise, that is approved for this series.

GF: But I have important information on the Kira case!

Light: The case? Eh-hem, lady you should come with me, I'm a main character, maybe I can pull some strings.

GF: Thank you.

Ryuk: Heh heh, you don't really plan to help her, but she's buying it!

**Light and the woman walk down the street.**

Light: So what's your name, I'm Yagami Light.

GF: Naimwith Held.

Light: Naimwith-san then.

**Ryuk giggled like he was eating a Ritalin laced apple.**

Light: Naimwith-san, I think Kira can control people's actions before they die.

GF: Me too! But that's not all he can also kill people in ways other than head asplosion.

Light (thinking): This is why intelligent women can't be main characters in Death Note. I have to kill her.

GF: I don't think anyone else has noticed yet, this will prove to Takeshi and Tsugumi that strong female characters are cool too!

Light: I never knew that wink wink, why then Kira could kill people he wanted to hide other ways than head asplosion.

GF: Yes, if you believe that, then Kira would have killed the guy on the bus with my boyfriend and got his name.

Light: I think you're letting your emotions control your actions.

GF: What?

Light: You want it to be true so that you can explain that your boyfriend wasn't stupid and just gave his name to Kira by accident, but you have to move past anger and bargaining into the acceptance stage of his death.

GF: You forgot depression

Light: Huh?

GF: Depression comes between bargaining and acceptance.

Light: Oh yeah, (thinking) that give me an idea.

Authors Note: What could Light's idea be? Why was Ryuk laughing? Why am I asking these questions when it's obvious all my readers have seen the entire series and I could just scream every spoiler and it wouldn't matter?

Seriously, thanks for reading so far. Sorry if this is shorter than usual, the World Series with my beloved BoSox is on, and I'm introducing my friend to Death Note. Soon she'll be hopeless like us…Just As Planned. Wow, come to think of it I didn't use that the entire episode. Does this mean I'm creating my own original humor and not relying on stealing it from other places…nah must have been a memory lapse. Anyway, read, review, and pray Brad Swaile becomes more comfortable as Light tonight. Incidently my friend thought he did a good job, but what does and dub Death Note watcher know, right my fellow subbies?


	7. Episode 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, Brian Drummond would have voiced both Ryuk and Light, and would have used his Zechs Marqueese voice for Light. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Another song has been Death Notified, pray Chuck Norris doesn't roundhouse kick me to the moon for this:

_With the eyes of the Shinigami_

_The unsuspecting stranger_

_Is unaware he is about to die._

_Cuz the eyes of the Shinigami are upon you,_

_Your name and lifespan he's gonna see,_

_When the eyes of the Shinigami are upon you,_

_Give him all your apples to be free!_

Episode the Seventh: Within Temptation Island

**Light and Miss Naimwith are continuing their conversation.**

Light: _I don't know how she did it, but if this woman tells what she knows, then it'll prove that woman can be productive characters in Death Note, I must set a precedent so that the next one will just be an annoying fanservicey waste of space. If we get a good female lead character I'll have even less screentime than I do sharing the show with L!_

This is interesting information, have you told anyone else?

Naimwith: No, you're the first

Light **Tents fingers:** Excellent.

Ryuk: How ya gonna kill her Light? It's a crowded public intersection.

Light:_ You don't need to tell me that Ryuk, she's already given me a plan._ **Takes out piece of Death Note.** What is your name?

Naimwith: Naimwith Held.

Light: What is your quest?

Naimwith: To avenge my boyfriend.

Light: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Naimwith: What do you mean, African or European?

Light: _Damn, I guess that plan won't work, okay Naimwith Held, goes into Depression Stage of Death, starts trying to find a way to kill herself and hide the body right now!_

Ryuk: **Evil Laughter**

**Screen shows Light in Kira mode transformation when everything is red.**

Light: Now I will give the screen red tint for no reason!

Ryuk: **More Evil laughter**

Light: _Why is Ryuk laughing, does he think my Kira transformation is stupid? Did I put the Ritalin in his apples today? Did one of his Shinigami friends text him a funny joke? He is so out of my Fave 5._

**Scene Change to the Lcave!**

L: I'm sorry for having to eat that entire cake in front of you, next time I'll try to share.

**Group Breathes collective sigh of relief.**

Soichiro: How can you be sure you will?

L: Actually, I developed some trick cakes to prevent you from getting the real one, but I don't feel those will be necessary, the next cake will be carrot cake and I dislike the inclusion of anything healthy in my foods.

**Cell phone rings**

L: Scuse me,

Matsuda: After telling us to turn off our…AH NO DON'T SHOCK ME BRAW!

**L holds his phone in his epic manner that we all imitate, don't deny it.**

L: Hello, yeah I'm done you can come in…Pizza's coming.

**Group gasp.**

**Back to Light.**

Light: If you want I can tell them what you told me, I won't steal your credit or anything.

Naimwith: No I wanna do it.

Light: Selfish bitch, fine have it your way. _You're gonna die, Just As Planned. _**Red Kira transformation! **_I'd like to see how you do it, watching someone die is such a turn on, but I really can't, just to risky, hurry up and die!_

**Time for her to start thinking about Suicide passes.**

Naimwith: I feel like living a long time, don't you?

Light: **Checks watch. **_What the Hell is this Daylight Savings time or something, Damn you Ben Franklin, Damn you to Hell. If you weren't dead I'd write your name in here myself. _**Red Kira Transfomation Go!**

Ryuk: **Evil laughter**

Light: Okay ya know what if you have a problem with the Red Kira screen of doom, just come right out and say it! **Red Kira transformation Heavy Episode!** _No that can't be it, this is too cool for him to laugh at, her name it must be a fake! Who would have thought Naimwith Held would be a fake name?_

**At the Lcave**

Watari: Hello everyone.

Matsuda: Where's our pizza?

L: It's in the suitcase you selfish git, but now you don't get any, I'm turning it into police badges.

Matsuda: Dammit!

**Light on the Street**

Light:_ A fake name, Ryuk can see it, and he won't share. After all the apples I've given him, it's not fair! She must really want to be a recurring character if she won't give her real name. It'll be hard to get her real name now, and I'll look suspicious if I keep asking. More than that, what the hell is this piece of crap modern art fountain, it looks like some sort of weird boat. Who wasted money on this?_

**The author recommends watching the episode as you read in order to get certain jokes.**

Naimwith: I think we should head back, this fountain is so ugly it makes me want to vomit.

Light: That's true. I hope the effects aren't lingering.

Naimwith: Yes.

Light: _Dammit, I think I'm gonna blow chunks right here. What am I gonna do, not only will I get caught as Kira, but I'm gonna ruin my good coat! If my dad calls I have to let her talk to him…Wait a minute I can turn the cell phone off! I'm a genius. Calm down, there's no way someone smart enough to turn off their phone can't get a former FBI agent's real name. If all else fails she's a woman, I can use force. No wait, she'll scream rape, she might have pepper spray, that shit hurts. No be smooth, seduce her, wait what if she has AIDS? What sort of god has STDs? Damn this thinking stuff is hard. _

Ryuk: Hey Light, How do you like my Red Kira Transformation?

Light:_ Bastard, he wants me to die, so that he can be the main character. Everyone is against me. No I'll never hand over the main character position. Don't mock me, you Damn Death God!_

Naimwith: Um, do you still have business at the police station, are you stalking me? I can go by myself.

Light: But I'm the main character.

**Dunna-nunna-nunna LCave!**

Soichiro: So you turned our pizza into fake IDs?

Matsuda: I'm sorry guys.

L: Matsuda really was stupid, it was a delicious pizza with each of your favorite toppings on it.

One of the guys, must be the one Misa killed cuz I don't remember his name: But how did you know our favorite toppings?

Soichiro: So you're willing to accept that he could transform pizza into fake IDs, but you won't accept that he could know our favorite toppings?

Matsuda: He's a witch!

**Aizawa nods.**

L: I'm Wiccan, it's slightly different but still sorta the same.

Group: Okay.

L: Be careful not to confuse the two again, or I'll shrink your nuts off with my spells. That would be troublesome.

Group: Understood.

Watari: Well then I'd like you all to wear these belts, in them you will find whatever you need for a situation. In addition if you push the button twice you can call me. But only do so on weekends, after 9PM, or if you have Verizon. Even then let it ring twice then hang up. Go home and join the Kira investigation team group on Facebook, our meetings will be posted there.

Matsuda: Cool I feel like Batman!

Soichiro: Matsuda! You're Robin at best.

Matsuda: Dick Grayson Robin?

Soichiro: Jason Todd Robin.

Matsuda: **Dejected look.**

**Commercial Bump.**

_**Famous users of the Death Note.**_

_Name: Eddie Vedder_

_Years Active: 1988-Present_

_Motive: To become the greatest singer of the Early 90s._

_Notable people killed:_

_Andrew Wood, Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Soundgarden, Courtney Love's sanity, Scott Weiland's body fat, Krist Noveselic's will to create music, all 30 members of Guns and Roses after 1997._

**End commercial bump.**

Light: _I have 5 minutes to find out her name. Time to put my plan into action._

Ryuk: He thought of an entire plan over the commercial break?

Light: The truth is you can't speak to anyone at headquarters.

Naimwith: Bullshit

Light: _I just have to keep talking, she'll slip up sooner or later._ No really, they're all on the case secretly, they don't wanna die like your boyfriend. Just look at this montage.

Naimwith: I guess you're right, that is rather gruesome, especially the Linkin Park part.

Light: That's why they told you no one was at the police station. You'll never be able to talk to someone directly there.

Ryuk: Heh, your pulling this outta your ass eh Light?

Naimwith: How do you know?

Light: Cuz I'm on the investigation, bitch.

Naimwith: You're shitting me.

Light: Nope, L's in charge, but he picked me cuz they're shorthanded and I'm brilliant, not to mention otherwise the investigation would get no screen time.

Naimwith: I understand, but I'm still going to headquarters, thnx newaiz.

Light: Wait you dumb bitch, didn't I just say no one was there?

Naimwith: I wanna talk to L.

Light: No! Don't give him more screentime!

**Quick Robin to the LCave!**

L: Hey who's at the police station.

Soichiro: Nobody.

L: Moron, what if someone's got information on Kira? I swear if someone dies who had key information on the case, you'll never get any of my sweets again!

Soichiro: Understood, Aizawa please go to the police station, we must defend our ability to get Ryuzaki's candy.

Aizawa: Yes sir! I hope he makes brownies.

**Light is getting desperate.**

Light: Naimwith-san, it's impossible to meet L, he just shows up and steals your screentime! And you're only a one shot character, your screentime has no value for him.

Naimwith: There's a chance, he's stolen my screentime before with his voice on the computer when I was on a case in America 2 years ago.

Light: You had your screentime stolen by L?

Naimwith: Until three months ago, I was a main character on Grey's Anatomy.

**Red Kira transformation, making Light evil and devious.**

Light: _I can use this, who's been removed from Grey's Anatomy recently._ Oh is that so, I thought you seemed more important than just supporting cast. I would like to learn about being a main character from you!

Ryuk: It's amazing how you can lie so much.

Light: Why did you tell me what you wanted to tell L.

Naimwith: You remind me of L, the haughty assuredness in you being right, the egomania, the ambiguous sexuality, the slight hint of Emo…

Light: I am not Gay!

Naimwith: You are similar to him.

Light: Would you like to find Kira with me? I wouldn't ask just anyone but we need people like you.

**Brief shot of Aizawa walking to police station.**

Aizawa: I get the feeling I'm about to not get brownies.

Light: You're not someone who should be mere supporting cast, you have your career on Grey's Anatomy, and are better than any of the current main characters, L even stole your screen time, all that's needed to be a main character is a background check, the recommendation of a current main character and Tsugumi Ohba's approval.

Naimwith: Me…a main character?

Light: Our meeting must have been fate!

**Aizawa hurrying to police station:** Wait for me brownies I'll get you!

Light: I'll recommend you! Sorry I got carried away. You probably have other commitments and you live in America.

Naimwith: Well I was gonna move there, but now that my boyfriends dead I don't know what to do.

Light: But you're still young, this investigation…

Naimwith: No, I got no where else to go, NO WHERE ELSE TO GO! Please let me join the investigation!

**Red Kira screen of Death and Ryuk cackling like a mad dog!**

Light: I'm glad, then could you show me something to confirm your identity?

Naimwith: Uh, I lied about my name.

Light: That's okay, you're brilliant, not to give your real name, you planned ahead.

Naimwith: Would my liscense be okay?

Light: Yup.

**Aizawa walking in the snow: ** This is probably an omen of something bad, please don't let it be my brownies.

Light: Just in time. **Changes name as Aizawa walks past blissfully unaware he has just lost his brownies for now and forever.**

Naimwith: Why are you paying so much attention to your watch?

Light: That's cuz I'm Kira, bitch.

**Long epic silence as Naimwith goes off to commit suicide.**

Light: What's wrong?

Naimwith: There's something I have to do.

Light: My father's cell works don't you want to talk to him.

Naimwith: I have nothing to say.

Light: Let that teach you not to call people faggots, Dr. Preston Burke.

**Dr. Preston Burke walks off as the screen turns to a stairway leading to a noose.**

Author's Note: Another episode done, poor Aizawa, he'll never taste those brownies now. I have a couple more songs set up to be theme songs in the future, but if you have any requests I'll try to work them in so long as they are song mostly in English. Anyway my conversion of my friend worked extremely well, she's hopelessly addicted to Death Note now.

Who remembered to celebrate L's birthday this week? It was Halloween, he'd have turned 28 if Rem hadn't offed him. So everyone please remember his noble sacrifice by stuffing yourselves full of the sugary goodness he ingested in life. And don't tell him I didn't call him Ryuzaki in this episode either!


	8. Episode 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, it would have blackjack and hookers, ya know what forget the Death Note. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Carry on Soichiro's Son**

_Once Light rose above the human filth and pollution,_

_Just to create a world based off his delusions,_

_His death toll grew ever higher,_

_His legend rose to the sky!_

_Though his eyes could still not see the criminal's names nor their lifespans,_

_He still held himself a god, what an arrogant madman,_

_He heard the voices when he was dreaming,_

_He heard them say:_

_Carry on Soichiro's son,_

_The world will be better for what you've done,_

_Put your worn out pen to work,_

_Go and kill some more!_

_To the world he was hero with a purpose,_

_Killing off those men who robbed lady's purses,_

_And so they claimed they did support him,_

_His identity they did not know!_

_Throughout most of the investigation his plans resisted implosion,_

_He stuck to his morals with unwavering devotion,_

_He fought FBI agents and orphans,_

_His last name backwards is I'm a Gay!_

_Carry on Soichiro's son,_

_The world will be better for what you've done,_

_Put your worn out pen to work,_

_Go and kill some more!_

_CARRY ON! Light must always remember,_

_CARRY ON! He only lives to bring Ryuk pleasure!_

_Now he live to entertain him,_

_And neither Heaven nor Hell await him,_

_Carry on Soichiro's son,_

_The world will be better for what you've done,_

_Put your worn out pen to work,_

_Go and kill some more!_

Episode the Eighth: Gays

**In the L's secret base.**

Aizawa: That was by far the most homoerotic TV show I have ever seen.

L: You don't like my Reign: the Conqueror collection? Well guess what now you have to watch it again, press play slave.

Matsuda: But guys we're missing Scrubs it's the last season and the writer's strike could cut it short!

**Watari gives Matsuda ice cream**

Matsuda: Thank you, Blech this is broccoli ice cream, no wonder it was green!

L: That's what you get for suggesting we watch something other than what I want.

Aizawa: Huh?

Soichiro: He's terribly sorry Ryuzaki!

Matsuda: I am, can we please watch Scrubs now?

**L eats his ice cream:** No, now you all have to watch Reign the Conqueror followed by Bobobo.

Aizawa: That's not fair!

**L turns on the TV**: Watch it and weep bitch.

Aizawa: No it's too terrible! The plot makes no sense, please anything but that! Why would you do that to us Ryuzaki?

Soichiro: This is cruel and unusual Ryuzaki

L: Suck it, also my ice cream is mint, unlike yours.

Soichiro: I have no clue why we stay on this case with you.

L: Because it's a way for you to escape the reality of your failing marriage.

Soichiro: How did you know that!

L: I had the FBI investigate all of you remember? I know everything about all of you.

**At Light's House**

Ryuk: Hey Light, you've been writing in that Death Note nonstop for days now, why do you have to kill so many people in advance?

Light: Because Ryuk, Futurama is going to Comedy Central soon and I want to watch all of the episodes in the end of the year marathon, I'll be too busy once it's on to. The Note should work if I put the date of death in advance, no?

Ryuk: I dunno, I'm a Death God, I don't have to worry about this shit, I just write this person dies, and they do. I don't have to worry about getting caught and being given the chair.

Light: Thanks, you're a big help Ryuk.

Ryuk: Damn straight.

**Five top secret agents died to bring us this scene from the Lcave.**

Watari: Yes please hold on a minute, Ryuzaki, some young man wants to know if our refridgerator is running.

L: Tell them of course it is, otherwise my delicious sweets would go bad. Matsuda-san, I need your cell phone, mine is a prepaid one and I can't waste any minutes.

**L grabs phone**

L: Yes our refridgerator is running…then I'd better go catch it! Oh no, my precious cakes and cookies are running away from me, Watari quick check the security cameras maybe they're still in the building!

**L looks at the screen and sees the fridge is still in place.**

L: They're still there….then….a prank call? Someone has called to make a fool of me, and threatened to hold my delectable sweets hostage from me. Now I'm angry.

**L narrowed his eyes and shut the phone off. Then handed it to Matsuda**

L: Call the U.S. Air Force and tell them to drop the A-Bomb on Hiroshima again, that'll teach you slant eyed bastards to fuck with my candy.

Matsuda: Isn't that a little extreme?

L: No, somebody crossed a line and now you have to pay. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but now you bitches are gonna get a taste of what's in the payload of the Enola Gay. _Crap I'm rhyming again, it must be withdrawal, I need some frickin gummi bears man._ Everyone from now we will narrow our search to everyone Raye Penbar was investigating, that's because he is the one that Dr. Isiah Washington was dating. That narrow's it down to two familiars, that of the assistant director's and that of Chief Yagami…DAMMIT I'm still doing it, excuse me I need to get some food before I have fi-tantrum. Before I have a tantrum. Now go call the Air Force already!

**L went off to go eat some cake and Hiroshima was bombed…again. Now let's see what Light's up to.**

Light: I'd better delete the information from the computer so no one knows what I was looking at off camera.

Ryuk: You sure have good hands, I bet you get plenty of experience here in the room though.

Light: Shut the hell up, you saw me on a date.

Ryuk: Yeah but you were outta your element with that girl.

Light: I'm not gay!

**Quick Matsuda to the Lcave!**

Aizawa: Ryuzaki, it's impossible, you can't have unlimited wire tapping, who do you think you are George Bush?

L: But I wanna!

Soichiro: Ryuzaki, you're being childish.

L: Fine, I'll go tell the U.S. to get Nagasaki too.

Matsuda: I'm not making that call again, I don't care if you shock me.

Soichiro: No, we'll give in, I'd to think our generation was at least twice as smart as Emporer Hirohito's. Do as you like, install the bugs. But if you do, make sure to get the toilet, this is Japan after all.

L: I'm not letting you watch.

Aizawa: Chief! Don't let him screw you over like that!

Matsuda: That's right, you may never get to see your ex wife do something naughty again.

Soichiro: I know that, but if we don't he'll drop Fat Man, you may not remember what it was like last time but I do! I won't let my penis shrink again!

**Matsuda and Aizawa give Soichiro a "did you just say that out loud" look.**

Matsuda: I'm sorry

Soichiro: It's okay, at least I got to use mine, unlike you.

L: Then out of courtesy let me buy you six months of Enzyte, that Bob guy seems pretty happy with it.

**Light's house**

Light: I'm home **Light walked through the empty house then touched his door and creepy music plays.**

Ryuk: Hey Light since no one's home let's play a game…a game Light…are a ya deaf? Why are you ignoring me? Fine I know how to make you talk to me. _In a falsetto:_ Ooh I'm Light, I like sewing and hanging out with my boyfriend L, ooh all the fanfictions are true, I'm fabulous! _Normal voice:_ Damn you really must be deaf.

**Little does Light know, or okay ya you know he does know, it's an expression okay leave me alone.**

Soichiro: That boy is hiding something.

L: I thought I said you couldn't watch.

Soichiro: Please?

L: Fine

**On the street**

Ryuk: You still deaf Light? You know if you don't talk to me deaf or not you're going in the Death Note. I have feelings too ya know.

**Light starts checking his clothes and Ryuk starts dancing, honestly I'm not making this up, it's like he's doing my job for me.**

Light: Ryuk, I'M NOT GAY!

Ryuk: You aren't deaf Light! Hey that means you have been ignoring me, that's not cool!

Light: My house is bugged moron. I know cuz I do some weird unnecessary shit with my doorknob that's probably impossible in real life, but since that's messupable, I also put pencil lead in there, so that I always have some to do my homework with, but today some douchebag opened my door and broke it. In hindsight it wasn't a great storing place, but I'm still pissed. Oh and Ryuk, no more apples, I can't have people thinking my room is haunted.

Ryuk: Oh no mister! I will put your name in the Death Note right frickin now if you cut me off. I'll wig out.

Light: Suck it up. If you want them so bad, find all the cameras maybe there's a blind spot.

_**Death NoteTM for Dummies returns**_

_A suicidal person can kill themselves with the Death Note, it's less messy than Seppuku._

_Now we're gonna tell you about the eye deal 4 episodes late._

**The infamous scene where Light tries to prove he's not gay! And Ryuk was watching him, pervert.**

Ryuk: Shut up what else am I gonna do?

**How bout find the cameras so you can eat apples?**

Ryuk: Oh yeah!

**I always feel like somebody's watching me!**

Soichiro: I coulda sworn he was gay, I guess I was wrong.

L: I'm more disappointed by what you consider naughty magazines in this country. I've seen more skin in a SI: Swimsuit edition, plus it's probably a coverup. He knows we're watching and wants you to think he's not gay.

**Light turns around and looks at camera:** SEE I'M NOT GAY!

L: Just a hunch though.

Soichiro: More skin than underwear? That's impossible Ryuzaki!

L: There's a Playboy on the table, knock yourself out.

Ryuk: I'm sticking my head into the air conditioner, brr it's cold in here.

Light: I knew it, the air conditioner is hogging the cool air, Ryuk is climbing like a fly on the ceiling, I guess he really does have withdrawals. Damn this is funny, why didn't I cut him off sooner.

Light: Aah, tricked by the cover again.

Ryuk: You think men were gonna be in there?

Light: Go to Hell Ryuk.

Ryuk: Just as Planned.

_Light: At least now I have a use for those magazines I bought_

_Ryuk: Now you can try and convince people you aren't gay!_

_Light: These are my thoughts, mine! Shoo!_

_Ryuk: Whatever you say princess._

Sayu: Brother! Your boyfriend's here, just kidding it's dinner.

Light: Bitch don't blame me if the monster comes back.

**Sayu is watching TV**

Sayu: Oooh! Your so smexy, pop star who's name is being dropped so the viewer doesn't have a WTF moment for later in the series.

**L: **Aizawa, take memo, use name of pop star in movie…also pick up cake from baker's…also marry Sayu in 5 years.

Aizawa: Got it, can I stop watching Bobobo now?

L: Okay fine, you can watch the cold opening of Scrubs. Watari do that thing I told you.

Sayu: Eh, what's this? Sayu, you will be smoking hot in 5 years, marry me, L. L! Wow.

Light: That bastard first he tries to catch me, now he's trying to mack it with my sister. That's almost as bad as Matsuda wanting her. No that would never happen he's gayer than

Ryuk: You?

Light: For the last time Ryuk!

Light: L's probably a disheveled, messy 20 something, who looks like he never sleeps and watches 17 year old gay boys for fun.

Ryuk: You admitted it.

Light: I did not, it was an example!

**L is watching and getting angry: **He's quite a prick, your son.

Soichiro: I guess.

Sayu: Potato Chips after dinner? I don't care how epic you eat them brother, you're gonna get fat!

Light: I'm telling the monster.

Sayu: NO I take it back **Pops pills.**

Ryuk: Light, I'm too worn out to scare her. I need those apples, but there's a ton of camera's. I don't know why you made me work so hard they all glow and have purple arrows coming out of them, you could probably see them yourself. You're an asshole Light, and I'd put your name in the note now, but I gotta pass out.

**Light began to do his homework, then he whipped out his bagged of chips with multicamera angle action! Let the epic consumption begin. If you have chips on you eat along!**

Light: Light LOL _I've already killed weeks in advance cuz of Futurama, but L knows that. So I just gotta keep killing._

**Ryuk helps me out by doing handstands.**

**Okay this scene is too epic to make fun of, I highly suggest that you watch this scene in its entirety uninterrupted. If someone comes in the room while this scene is on, punch them, then write their name one the nearest piece of paper with heartattack written next to it.**

L: Your son has been epicly eating chips for 10 minutes without turning on the computer or TV.

Soichiro: That's because the national chip exam is next week.

Light: I'll win that trophy for sure this year. **Throws out bag of chips.**

Watari: Ryuzaki, 2 more people died today who were first shown on TV just a little while ago.

L: At that time your ex-wife and my future wife were watching Sleepless in Seattle, and your son was epicly eating chips in his room, so I guess that means they can't be Kira.

Soichiro: I'm off the hook, then?

L: Nope, I'm suspicious of anyone who would rather eat those salty potato things than the delicious sugary goodness I consume.

**Next morning:**

Light gives his mom the garbage, including the TV he used to kill criminals

Ryuk: Are you crazy? That cost like 40,000 yen.

Light: OH SHIT, **Watches it get crushed, **NOOOOO! THAT COSTED MONEY!

**Light chases after garbage truck.**

Ryuk: Did I forget to mention that's only like 20 bucks American?

Author's Note: Another episode done. Akatsuki Ferret I did do a song from the Pokemon one, but it's about Near so it wouldn't make sense to release it just yet. So if any of the rest of you make a suggestion and don't see it immediately, never fear, it's probably just not an applicable song subject yet.

Good episode tonight, Raye's voice was decent. I love that look on his face at the end of episode where's he like "Oh shit, I'm about to get owned." Anywhoo, read and review, Dammit now I'm rhyming too!** Joins L in eating away the rhymes.**


	9. goose

I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a troll. I am a…

**Jaded Ninja whips out Death Note and writes DUO MAXW3LL IS GOD.**

JN: Damn that guy was annoying, thank goodness he's not wasting our space anymore. Anyway since I don't believe in wasting your time, here's an omake:

_Death Note Thanksgiving_

_**Extremely Coarse language towards end, VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISED.**_

Soichiro: Light I need you to take a list of what everyone on the investigation team is bringing for Thanksgiving.

Light: Okay. **Grabs Paper off desk.**

Soichiro: Ukita is going to bring the turkey.

**Light writes his name down, forty seconds later a scream is heard.**

Ukita: Why am I always first to die? **HEARTATTACKED!**

Light: Whoops this is the Death Note.

Soichiro: Now who's going to get us a turkey?

Light: I've got it covered, **Whips out phone. **Hey Mikami?

Mikami: KAMI!!!111!!1 **Splooges.**

Light: Yeah, uh it's me, hey listen could you take a break from being all crazy fanboy and get me a turkey for Thanksgiving?

Mikami: OMG! OMG! YES! I will get you the most righteous turkey ever Kami!

Light: Okaay, looks like you've got it under control…

Mikami: How else may I service you master? I'd do anything.

Light: I'm hanging up now…

Mikami: No wait KAMI!** Click.**

Ryuk: You aren't going to tell your boyfriend you love him Light?

Light: Ryuk…

Ryuk: I know, I know, you aren't gay.

Light: I'd like to show you something Ryuk, **Holds up plastic container.** This is called Apple Cider.

Ryuk: OMG! APPLES COME IN LIQUID FORM! WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME THIS BEFORE!

Light: You want it?

Ryuk: Get me an IV drip and just put it straight into my bloodstream!

**At the store.**

Mikami: I must find a Turkey for Kami! **Looks around, and finds there are none left.** NO! There must be a turkey somewhere, there! **Mikami looks at a shopping cart and sees a turkey, an old lady is pushing the cart.**

Mikami: SAKUJO!

Old Lady: Oh my heart, now who will deliver this turkey to the orphans? **Dies.**

Mikami: Yay! Now I have a Turkey for master! A two for one sale on cranberry sauce? Kira didn't instruct me to get anything but turkey, should I act of my own accord? No, I am just a servant, I will follow God's will without question.

**Mikami moves on to the express line.**

To person in front of him: Excuse me sir, you seem to have 13 items, and this line is clearly marked for 12 items or less, I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the line.

Man: Go to Hell.

Mikami: You sir are a criminal, Kira is watching, this is your last chance.

Man: Who gives a damn about Kira?

Mikami: SAKUJO!

**Man dies. Mikami moves to front of line.**

Clerk: That will be 20000 Yen sir.

Mikami: You don't understand Kira has need of this turkey.

Clerk: Kira still has to pay sir.

Mikami: Those who stand against Kira are the same as criminals, SAKUJO!

**Clerk Dies.**

**Later at the Dinner.**

Soichiro: I have to hand it to you Light, you got what you were supposed to get, which is more than I can say for Ryuzaki.

L: It's not my fault these "Mashed Potatoes" that you allege exist don't have sugar in them. I looked for them at every candy store in Tokyo. For wasting my time when I could have been finding Kira, the chances that you are Kira have gone up 4, Yagami Soichiro.

Soichiro: Well then let's all sit down and say what we're thankful for.

Light: I'm thankful that Mikami and Misa are here so I can finally learn L's name.

Mikami and Misa at the same time: I'm thankful I'm Kira's favorite subordinate, no I'm the favorite. I'm writing your name down in the Death Note! ** Misa and Mikami die.**

L: I'm thankful that Light surrounds himself with idiots.

Matsuda: I'm thankful that I haven't been shocked yet in this epi-TSAAAAHH!

Soichiro: I'm thankful I remembered to bring this.

Ryuk: I'm thankful for Apples.

Light: Speaking of which where's the apple pie for dessert?

Ryuk: I don't know…

Light: You bastard, you ate the pie! You have a problem.

Ryuk: I don't have a problem I can stop whenever I want!

Light: Then what's that in your hand now?

Ryuk: A Snapple.

Light: That isn't even an apple flavored one, it's Mango Madness!

Ryuk: I know that…but it says apple in the name…

Light: That's it we are going to get you help.

**Light and Ryuk leave.**

L: Why am I even still here, Ryuk ate the pie. I'm going home.

**L leaves.**

…..

…..

…..

…..

**Mello and Matt walk in:** Mello: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Mello and Matt are in the hizzouse. **Notices no one is there. **What did the fuck did we miss? We were fucking busy tying that little prick Near to a tree, where the fuck is everyone? Why is there a fucking dead chick on the floor.

Matt says nothing.

Mello: All the fucking main characters are gone? Light I'm a gay? L? Not even fucking Matsuda? You know what this means Lunchbox? We're the only ones left….BUUUNG!

**Sits around doing nothing for a minute then lights up and begins singing: **Fuck, fuck, fuck, Mother, mother fuck, Mother, mother fuck, fuck Mother fuck, mother fuck, Noich noich noich, 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, Noich, noich noich Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. Rollin' blunts and smokin'...

Author's note: So there you go. I'll still do the real update on Saturday. You even got a preliminary view of what Mello and Matt may be like. I tried to think of movie buddy duos, and since Beavis and Butthead and Bill and Ted have already been done, Jay and Silent Bob was the best I could come up with right now. I may change it before episode 26, since I don't like dropping so many Fbombs in my writing, and it's sorta intregal to their characters, as well as it means Matt will never talk, but he doesn't really anyway. So, feedback would be appreciated.


	10. Episode 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, insert thing I would do here. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Ryuzaki's more than meets the eye **(Episode 9)

_Someone out there is watching over you,_

_Bugging your home there's nothing you can do,_

_When he strikes he'll find out what you hide,_

_With his justice and might, he'll fight to stop the age of Light!_

_RYUZAKI!_

_With giant bags under his eyes,_

_RYUZAKI!_

_It's L's favorite disguise!_

_Trying to end the relentless attacks on criminal's hearts,_

_He'll go to Tokyo U, and there his plan will start,_

_Becoming friends with him will be L's fall,_

_With his devious scheming, Light will end it all!_

_RYUZAKI!_

_Loves sugars and pies,_

_RYUZAKI!_

_Called in the FBI!_

_RYUZAKI!_

_INVESTIGATION TEAM RAISE YOUR BATTLE CRY!_

_DESTROY THE EVIL PLANS OF……………KIRA!_

_Examination day and you've begun your plan,_

_To bring him under your watchful and purge his evil from the land,_

_He's won a few battles, but your war has just begun,_

_Even if it costs your life, justice must be done!_

_RYUZAKI!_

_With giant bags under his eyes,_

_RYUZAKI!_

_It's L's favorite disguise!_

_INVESTIGATION TEAM RAISE YOUR BATTLE CRY!_

_DESTROY THE EVIL PLANS OF……………KIRA!_

Episode the Ninth: I Dropped my Contact.

**Light and Ryuk are walking down the street**

Ryuk: Hurry up I needs the apples, I needs them!

Light: Shut up we're about to get them.

Ryuk: But I'm in withdrawal! _Hops around on one leg in a hilarious pose._

Light: Baby.

Ryuk: I am so looking forward to the day I kill you.

**In the LCave, with an investigation team full of men with 5 o clock shadow.**

L: I've reviewed the tapes of Soichiro's family and found nothing suspicious. Total Buzzkill. I will remove the cameras, but only if you all shave.

Matsuda: But I was trying to grow a beard for my new girlfriend!

Soichiro: Don't worry Matsuda, it wouldn't make any difference.

L: Don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to ruin your personal lives, I just made a mistake and bought a bunch of shaving cream instead of whipped cream.

**Soichiro looks shocked**

L: Today has been most depressing **Camera pans to feet. **At least my pedicure went well.

Soichiro: I find that most curious behavior for a man.

L: I wouldn't talk if I were you, Mister Irecentlyletmymarriagefallapart. Since I never wear shoes, I feel it is important to keep my feet well taken care of. _Enough banter I need to think about this case, I'm losing fast. Nobody exhibited any suspicious behavior, I almost wish this was divine judgment so then I wouldn't have to face the fact that I'm failing. _**Various images flow by including a **painting_ That was a good painting, the artwork is simply magnificent. I've got to get me one of those. _**L puts down his cup.** _Look at my sexy reflection in the cup, damn I'm hot. No, I've got to focus on the case. Okay, pick one person and investigate them exclusively, I'm L, it's got to be right. They won't know the difference, they think I'm a genius. Yes okay, the person I'm investigating is…_

**Light's house.**

**Ryuk:** Hey Light the cameras are gone you can feed me again!

**Light points to his head.**

Ryuk: Oh, sorry you have a hangover, I don't remember you drinking.

**Light throws an apple at him to shut him up.**

_I don't remember what happened last night at all,_

**Flashback to Light crawling on the ground**

Light: I'm swimming, I'm swimming!

**Other flashbacks including Light standing on a pillar with red hair, walking along an I-beam on top of an unfinished building, Light standing in front of a gigantic moon, Ryuk dancing with an apple over his head, Light screaming WHAT'S UP PEOPLE for no reason, finally ending with him passed out on what appears to be a stained glass window with the word KONAMI on him.**

_I gotta lay off the drugs._

**Light is about to leave to take a test.**

Light's Mom: Don't disappoint me Light.

Sayu: You're gonna fail the SATs brother!

Light: Bitches.

**Light arrives at the college**

Random man: Hey, I can sell you the answers if you want!

Light: Nah, I don't em.

Ryuk: Amazing confidence.

**The test begins and the proctor moves to a man sitting behind Light.**

Man: You, no outside food and quit sitting like a retard.

**L merely twiddles his toes. Then starts staring intently at Light.**

Light:_ Oh no, he's going to rape me._

**In Soviet Union Commercial Bumps YOU!**

_**Famous Users of the Death Note.**_

_Josef Stalin._

_Years active: 1916-1953_

_Motive: To become Premier of Glorious United Soviet Socialist Republic._

_Notable people killed: Grigori Rasputin, Czar Nicholas II, Anastasia (yes she's dead), Grigori Rasputin (it didn't take the first time), Vladimir Lenin, Leon Trotsky, Adolf Hitler and his Cabinet, Democracy in Eastern Europe, Franklin Delano Roosevelt (come on people, heartattack?), millions of Russian peasants._

**End Glorious Soviet Commercial Bump.**

**We return and there's stuff falling from the sky. A well dressed man slowly walks through it.**

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

Ryuk: This really wasn't necessary Byakuya.

Byakuya: Rukia got to make an appearance, I wanted to too.

Ryuk: Okay that's enough back to the Shinigami realm with you.

**Later at the admissions ceremony.**

Dean: And now I will announce the recipient of the lowest test scores, who will receive the Tokyo University pity scholarship. Yagami Light, and the only other person to ever receive a score that low, Orlando Bloom.

Kids: Did he say Orlando Bloom? Legolas from Lord of the Rings? Nope definitely not him.

**L walks up to the stage with Light.**

Light:_ Oh shit it's that creepy guy from before, I hope he doesn't talk to me. He's got serial rapist eyes, and they feel like their burning into my soul._

Dean: Now sing the fight song or you can't be let in.

Light: Here we come, the fighting ninja.

L: Pirates will die at our blades.

Light: Here we come, the fighting ninja.

L: All other schools are gay.

Light: With shuriken and kunai in our hands.

L: We'll fight with honor for our feudal lands.

Light: Fighting ninja like Sasori of the Red Sands,

L: Or that pink haired bitch who's as flat as a man,

Both: Our enemies will all fall, JUST AS PLANNED.

Dean: Thank you, you can sit down now.

**They do and L begins talking.**

L: Light, you want to join the police and be just like your daddy don't you? You've already helped them in the past. You are interested in the Kira case are you not?

Light: Yeah so?

L: Are you Kira?

Light: No.

L: Are you sure?

Light: Yes.

L: Is that your final answer?

Light: Yes.

**L thinks for a second.**

L: KIRASAYSWHAT?

Light: First of all, Orlando I'm not Kira, and second, wait what?

L: Just testing you, you pass. Now I will tell you top secret information in this crowded place.

Light: Shoot.

L: I'm the Batman, bitch.

Light: You're full of shit, that's Bruce Wayne.

L: Okay fine, but I'm the next best thing, I'm L.

**This news was so monumentous that it prompted the Red Kira transformation, and L's Shonen-Blue Hair transformation.**

Light:_ What the Hell, is he for real? L wouldn't just say "Guess what I'm L, LOL." I gotta play it cool, otherwise he'll think I'm Kira._

Light: Oh yeah, well I'm Kira! Top that. _Damn you one-upmanship._ Is, uh, what I would say if I were actually Kira, which I'm not, I'm not Kira, stop looking at me! _Well played._

L: That's not at all suspicious, you can join the investigation team! _Oh yeah L, you picked the right guy at random, this guys definitely Kira. Reverse psychology won't work on me, I'm frickin Batman…I mean L!_

Light: _Damn now I can't touch him. If he dies then the investigation team will suspect me. And he's using the obviously fake name of Orlando Bloom. If I right Orlando Bloom and it's a fake name, then that waste of space no talent actor will die instead. This must mean he's still focusing on the people Raye Penbar investigated. Stay calm, we don't want another outburst like last time._

**Light went home and threw a tantrum.**

Light: IT'S NOT FAIR! L CHEATED!

Ryuk: I still got the hacked eyes if you want them.

Light: AND IF IT'S NOT REALLY L? WHY DON'T I JUST TURN MYSELF IN NOW THEN?

Ryuk: Jeeze sorry Princess.

Light: This Death Note is totally useless. Now I have to be 100 percent sure he's L before I kill him. I want to kill him so bad! But if I do it's as good as telling the world I'm Kira. I'm so humiliated the last thing I want right now is a flashback of the incident.

**Flashback of what just happened.**

Light: I SAID NO!

JN: Jeeze, sorry Princess. **Goes and sits with Ryuk.**

**Light starts laughing for no reason.**

JN: He's completely lost it hasn't he?

Ryuk: Pretty much.

JN: Wanna go get apples?

Ryuk: Okay.

**Jaded Ninja and Ryuk leave Light to monologue.**

Light: This is perfect! We'll pretend to be friends but really we'll each by trying to bring the other down. The real battle of wits starts now and I will kill you L, JUST AS PLA…Hey guys if you're getting apples I want some too!

**Light runs downstairs.**

Author's Note: I actually am eating apples tonight when I watch Death Note. I just noticed we had them in the house this week. Apples, candy, and chips are the only acceptable things to eat when DN is on! Read and Review my friends.


	11. Episode 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, somebody would have pulled a McEnroe in this episode. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

I don't have a theme song this week, but you might as well go listen to the Prince of Tennis one.

**Episode the 10****th****: You Cannot be Serious!**

Light: I can't believe you suggested we play tennis to get to know each other better.

L: Would you prefer not to?

Light: No, but do you know how good I am?

L: Bitch I was 2 time English Junior champion.

Light: So does that mean you're British? Does the L stand for Limey?

L: Shut the hell up and get on the court, you're probably about half as skilled and twice as interested in Enrique Iglesias as Anna Kournikova.

**L serves and gets an ace.**

L: Fifteen-Love, Anna.

Light: Haven't you ever heard of warming up?

L: Haven't you ever heard of zergrushing?

**Meanwhile Soichiro is doing something, I'm really sure we're interested in that…ya know what no, back to tennis.**

L: Be awed at the sight of my prowess!

Light: _Dammit he's good._

L: Rondo Towards Destruction!

Light: _How can he play tennis so well in a sweater? It defies logic, isn't he incredibly hot under there? That's it no holding back! _Hakuryu! **Light hits the ball and L dives and misses.**

L: Bollocks!

Referee: Four games all!

Ryuk: Suddenly they have a ref and linesmen, what is this?

Random man: Since I have nothing better to do I looked it up, Light was junior high champ in 2002 and 2003, but he was banned from competing in the sport after throwing a tantrum when he lost in the semifinals in 2004.

L: _So Light, you're a little baby when you lose after all._

Light: _I remember that day well, that little shit Ryoma Echizen. I gotta remember to put his name in the Death Note as soon as I find out who L really is._

L: _Watch this Light. _Cyclone Smash! **L hits the ball right on the line and Light misses it.**

Ref: Game, Set, Match, Bloom.

Light: ARE YOU SERIOUS? THAT WAS OUT! IT WAS OUT! YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! ** Light starts throwing things around, breaks his racket in half, etc and so on.**

L: Hehehe, Just as Planned.

**Later**

L: Hey Light, guess what?

Light: What is it Orlando?

L: I think you're Kira.

Light: Well that sucks.

L: Yeah, but since I feel bad for making you cry like a little girl on the tennis court, I was thinking about letting you join the investigation team.

Light: _That bastard I don't need his pity…wait a minute that's what he wants me to think! He wants me to refuse his pity and then I'll never get any closer to his identity._

Light: I'll take you up on that.

L: Then I'm going to test you let's go to the coffee shop.

**Coffee shop.**

Light: So what does this test entail? Are you going to…why the hell are you sitting like that, you're embarrassing me!

L: I have to sit this way, constant eating of nothing but sugar makes me shake uncontrollably if I sit normal.

Light: Fine do whatever, but don't you think that you should try to be a little less conspicuous, you are L after all.

L: What do you mean? I guard my identity with the utmost of caution…

Waitress: And what will you boys have?

L: Hey, you are smoking hot, I'm L, you should join my personal investigation team.

Waitress: Comb your hair and get some sleep and I might consider it.

L: Don't try to change me, shoo.

Waitress: I'm trying to take your ord-

L: I said shoo!

**Waitress leaves. Light glares at L.**

L: What?

Light: I guard my identity with the utmost of caution?

L: That doesn't count it was a woman, you wouldn't understand.

Light: I'm not gay!

L: Yeah sure, whatever, just look at these. **L hands Light a few messages written on paper. **These are notes criminals wrote before they died. We assume Kira made them do it. What do you think?

Light: Looks like that crafty bastard Kira is taunting L, he's probably extremely intelligent, handsome, and a real hit with the ladies. If you take the first word of every line there's a message. If you arrange them in the order that makes the most sense it would read "L can you see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?" But there's print orders on the back and if you arrange them thusly it reads "L can you see Cinnamon Toast Crunch, why kids love." That makes no sense, so there's no way Kira would right that.

L: You're wrong.

Light: What?

L: There's a fourth note. When you add that in it becomes "L can you see Cinnamon Toast Crunch, why kids love into old people's yards."

Light: _I didn't write that, he's trying to trick me, but it won't work._ But if there were three I'd be write.

L: NO, cuz there were four. Don't try to make up excuses for your failure.

Light: Oh come on, now you're just splitting hairs.

L: If you could have figured out there were four then you would have been right, but you weren't, you suck.

Light:_ Bastard._

L: Let's say you're L, how would you interrogate someone you thought was Kira?

Light: Same as you're doing

L: Copycat, but then again great minds think alike, the chance of you being Kira has gone up, but I want you on the team even given the risk.

Light: Only if you prove you're L. If my dad tells me you're L I'll believe it.

L: How bout you just do as I say like everyone else?

Light: No.

L: Come on!

Light: No.

L: Fine have it your way. Hang on I got a call…

Light: Me too…

Light: My dad…had a brain aneurism!

**Commercial Bump**

_**Death NoteTM for Dummies**_

_Any piece of the Death NoteTM carries full effects of the Death NoteTM proper._

_Snot, Crap, and Blood, can all be used to write the names of people in so don't use your Death NoteTM as a tissue, TP, or Band-Aid_

**End Commercial Bump**

Light's Mom: Damn he didn't croak, stupid bastard, how am I supposed to cash in on his life insurance now. Light let me know if he doesn't make it.

Light: Yes, mom. How the hell did you survive it?

Soichiro: Fortunately they caught it seconds before it exploded. I knew something was wrong when I heard the doctor's singing to me.

**Flashback Soichiro passes out in a park. Two doctors run up to him.**

J.D.: How many fingers do you see?

Elliot: Call 911, emergency.

Soichiro: Why are you singing, wait why am I singing?

**End flashback.**

Soichiro: It was a very strange experience, and I'm glad it's over, though I must say the doctor's of Sacred Heart have beautiful voices.

L: That they do. It must be hard for you especially with your son under suspicion as Kira.

Light: You told him you thought I was Kira.

L: Of course I did.

Soichiro: No you didn't!

L: Well uh, he's clearly suffering from some post surgery amnesia.

Light: You just made that up.

L: Uh well uh, hey didn't you have something you wanted to ask your dad Light!

Light: Oh yeah is this the real L?

Soichiro: Yes it is, Ryuzaki are you done suspecting my son?

L: The chance he's Kira is really very small, but he's my only lead so no.

Soichiro: Well that sucks.

Light: Well anyway, you offered to let me join the team and since I know you're L, I guess I will.

Soichiro: I won't allow it, you need to study. They'll be plenty of time to catch Kira when you graduate.

Light: That's like, years from now. Do you guys really suck that much?

L: Pretty much yeah, I mean, I'm investigating you, in person. And I'm supposed to be the world's best detective.

Light: Wow you guys are screwed without me. And remember what I said dad, if you die then I'll catch Kira and kill him myself.

L:_ Wow, this is the worst acting I've seen since A.I. I really hope you aren't Kira, Light, cuz this is way too corny._

Soichiro: I'm sorry Ryuzaki, I'll get back to work as soon as I can.

L: You'd better, I don't wanna hafta trust Matsuda with anything important.

Nurse: Visiting hours are over.

L: Bitch I'm L, I can stay as late as I want.

Nurse: No you can't.

L: Yes I can.

Nurse: No you can't

L: Yes I can

Nurse: Yes you can.

L: No I can't, come on Light, we're leaving now!

**They leave.**

L: Sure showed her, hey wait a minute!

Light: Wow Orlando, you sure got played back there.

L: I was gonna let you get a ride home, but now you can walk.

Light: Orlando, you're such a douchebag!

**L gets in his car.**

L: Suck it, bitch. Watari, hit that puddle.

**Watari complied and sent water and mud flying all over Light.**

Light: ORLANDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

L: Just as planned!

**L drives away.**

Light: Ryuk, I hate that bastard so much, I can't wait to kill him.

Ryuk: I really don't give a shit how you feel, but hurry up, I had almost no lines in this episode, I don't wanna be pushed into the role of a peripheral character. It's just you and L right? No other main characters?

Light: Actually we're about to begin teasing the arrival of the next new character.

Ryuk: Awww dammit. I need apples now.

**At the TV Station.**

J. Jonah Jameson: You think you can just run a special about Kira and get ratings? You're fired. You need to grab the people's attention, scare the crap out of them. That's how you get ratings! And this Kira he hides his face, is there anyway we can pin this on Spiderman? Spiderman kills criminals, I want that to be the headline for the 6 o clock news. Spiderman fights L. Get me pictures. These pictures look like they were taken by a five year old, you're fired.

Betty: Mister J there's a package for you.

J.J.: Don't interrupt me when I'm rambling, you're fired! Oh wait these are from Kira, you're rehired, at reduced pay. Air this as soon as you can.

Reporter: What about Spiderman?

J.J.: Just uh, say he's breaking and entering homes or something. I don't care right now. This Kira thing is gonna be insane!

Author's Note: Done again. I had to do some research into Prince of Tennis for this episode, but since I didn't want to delay I didn't actually watch any, so sorry if those parts don't make much sense. Anyway moving on:

My name has no name- Eww, I don't do Yaoi. Gay jokes is about as far as I'm going.

Keotalf- I did notice a couple recently on Youtube by Death Note Abridger and Team Dattebayo, and in my honest opinion, thought mine was better, not to sound conceited or anything.

Shadows-Glad to prove you wrong by not sucking.

Read and review all of you, please?


	12. Christmas Note

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. I merely make fun of their hard thought out work. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Christmas Special: (Strong Language warning, I'm looking at you Mello!)

**Inside the mall a large number or boys and girls are waiting in line to go see Santa Claus.**

Santa: And what do you want for Christmas little boy?

Boy: A fire truck.

Santa: And have you been a good boy?

Boy: Yes.

Santa: Really?

Boy: Yup.

Santa: You didn't disobey your parents or anything, don't lie to Santa.

Boy: Well I did sneak downstairs once and watch TV after it was bedtime.

Santa: SAKUJO-JO-JO!

**Boy Dies of heart attack.**

Mall worker: What did you do Santa?

**Santa pulls off his hat and beard to reveal….TERU MIKAMI!**

Mikami Claus: SAKUJO! SAKUJO! SAKUJO!

**Meanwhile far across Japan a college student slumps down in his chair and heaves a sigh.**

Ryuk: What's wrong Light, it's Christmas!

Light: That's just the problem, Ryuk. What if Santa gives me coal this year?

Ryuk: First of all, why the hell are you even celebrating Christmas? It's fairly obvious that you consider yourself God, not Jesus, and two why are you concerned about getting coal, you said yourself you're doing the world a favor.

Light: 1) I want presents and 2) if Santa doesn't think so, and if Ryuzaki finds out I got coal for Christmas then he'll only suspect me of being Kira more!

Ryuk: You know I don't think it's going to happen. I can't remember ever seeing anyone get coal. I think it's just some bullshit story parents made up to make you be good.

Light: I can't take that chance! I must make sure that I get presents this year, I must stop Santa. But how would I get to the North Pole in time?

Ryuk: I could flash step you there.

Light: Isn't that Bleach Shinigami?

Ryuk: Oh right, we could take my Gundam.

Light: No that's Duo Maxwell from Gundam, nicknamed Shinigami. If you're gonna make a GW reference at least claim you have a Tallgeese.

Ryuk: Umm, what about riding super thin wires that are stronger than steel?

Light: That's Walter from Hellsing! Can't you keep your own damn Shinigami powers straight? You can fly; fly me to the North Pole!

Ryuk: Fine, but this counts as my present. _That way I can save that gift card for his birthday._

Light: Sure, whatever.

**Ryuk grabbed Light and the two flew off towards the North Pole with the intent of heading Santa off. Little did they know yet another Christmas story was happening…**

**In front of a convenience store smoking weed:**

Mello: Yeah ours, bitches. **Matt nodded.**

JN: No not yours, this one:

**At the Investigation center.**

Misa: LIGHT-KUN!!!! Where are you Light-kun? Ryuzaki, have you seen Misa's Light-kun? He was supposed to be here?

L: No, and why are you wearing that thing?

**L pointed to a piece of mistletoe suspended above Misa's head.**

Misa: Oh this is for Light-kun. I call it Misa-toe!

Matsuda: Misa-Misa you shouldn't cut off your toes, no ones going to want to look at a nine toed model.

**Misa shocked Matsuda.**

Matsuda: When…did…you…get…one…of…those?

L: They're standard issue for everyone at the investigation center now. It was my Christmas present to them.

Soichiro: Speaking of which, Ryuzaki, what did you want for Christmas?

L: Oh I don't celebrate Christmas, I'm Wiccan. You can get me lots of candy for the Winter Solstice though.

**Back at the mall local police had cornered Mikami Claus.**

Cop: Make a move and we'll shoot. Put your notebook down

Mikami Claus: _This is it, there's only one way out._

**As Teru prepared to use his suicide pen the wall behind him exploded as it was hit by a Tow Missile.**

"HO! HO! HO! You've all been very naughty!"

Mikami Claus: Robot Santa?!

Robot Santa: That's right Teru Mikami, I've seen your good deeds doing my work all year round, and I need your help. Teru Mikami with your Shinigami sight, won't you join me in my slaying tonight?

Mikami: This is the BEST DAY EVER!

**At the local Quickstop.**

Mello: What the fuck is this shit? Teru Fucking Mikami gets his own fucking story with a fucking guest star and lunchbox and I are stuck here? This fucking sucks cock. Get your shit, Matt we're gonna go have an adventure too. This isn't gonna end up like the fucking Thanksgiving special where we fucking missed all the action.

**Matt picks up the duo's bong and duffle bag of various drugs and follows.**

**Up on the North Pole**

Light: Wow we got here fast. I didn't think that you could fly this fast Ryuk.

Ryuk (exhausted): Only when the plot requires it. Can we take a break Light?

Light: No, I have to go negotiate with Santa. SHOW YOURSELF CLAUS! LIGHT YAGAMI DEMANDS IT!

**Off in the distance a figure moved towards them.**

Light: There he is. Now Mr. Claus, I believe there's the matter of your list to discuss.

Ryuk: Light I don't think that's Santa.

Light: Of course it is what else could be at the North Pole and be 9 feet tall, have white fur, giant teeth, (nervously) and reek of freshly killed meat.

Ryuk: That would be what your kind commonly refer to as a Yeti.

Light: NOT JUST AS PLANNED!

**In the middle of Rockefeller Center, New York.**

Mello: Okay check it out my pimps and hoes, it's your boys Mello and Silent Matt from Rockefucker Center, New Fucking York. Since that little pussy Jaded Ninja didn't want to write us a holiday adventure we're having our own. If you'll notice that big fucking thing behind me is the New York Christmas tree and if you'll kindly look up all the fucking way to the top, you'll see my hetero life partner Silent Matt. **To Matt.** Are you fucking ready Silent Matt?

**Matt nods.**

Mello: Then tie that little pussy ornament to the tree.

Near: No stop please don't!

**Near's pleas are ignored and Silent Matt sticks a hook through Near's belt and hangs him from one of the top branches of the tree.**

**Back at the North Pole**

Light: Ryuk Ya gotta help me!

Ryuk: It can't see me you're on your own.

Light: But, but I thought we were pals

Ryuk: Nope, you're just here to kill my boredom. Bye Light. If things take a turn for the worse, don't worry I'll end it in 40 seconds. **Laughs.**

**The Yeti draws close, Light cowers in fear beneath it when suddenly…**

JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!?

**A giant robot crushes the Yeti and out climbs a half naked man and a boy.**

**Back in Rockefeller Center. Mello and Matt leave.**

Near: Mello, Matt let me down! I mean it. This isn't funny you guys! Somebody, anybody.

Kate McCallister: Kevin! Kevin! Where are you!

Near: Hey Lady!

Kate: Kevin? Are you up there?

Near: No, I'm Near, I'm stuck in the tree.

Kate: Oh can you see my boy Kevin from up there? He's Home Alone, and Lost in New York.

Near: Yeah he's over there.

Kate: KEVIN! Thank you Near.

**Runs off to Kevin.**

Near: Hey at least get me down from here! You're going to get the police or the firemen right? Right? Lady? Kevin? Harry? Marv? Don't leave me here!

**In Robot Santa's sleigh.**

Robot Santa: So what was that thing you yelled before?

Mikami: Huh, oh SAKUJO! It means eradicate or delete. I just yell it before I kill someone.

Robot Santa: I like that, I just usually yell HO! HO! HO!

Mikami: Well actually I was working on a variant of it when I was the mall Santa. I repeated the last syllable twice to make it sound like Ho Ho Ho.

Robot Santa: Hey that's a good idea.

**Robot Santa fires lasers on sleigh at someone in the street.**

Both: SAKUJO-JO-JO!

Mikami: _I should use this opportunity to get a look at L's name on Santa's list for Kami._ Hey Santa, can I have a look on your list? I need to find someone especially naughty.

Robot Santa: Sure thing.

Mikami: _Here it is L's name, I can't believe it!_ Thank you Santa, Kami Light will be pleased.

Robot Santa: I can't let Light have that name. He's been most naughty. Throwing out expensive TVs an looking at girly magazines. Oh no.

Mikami: You can't hurt Kami! I'll stop you!

**Robot Santa flips the sleigh over knocking Mikami out.**

Mikami: Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Kamiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Robot Santa: SAKUJO-JO-JO!

**Up on the North Pole.**

Light: So let me get this straight you're Kamina, head of the Gurren Brigade and this is Simon and that's your giant Ganmen Gurren Lagann.

Kamina: Not Gurren Brigade, DAI-Gurren Brigade.

Light: Right and why aren't you wearing a shirt, it's the freaking North Pole?

Kamina: **Pose! **The Gurren Brigade is about kicking reason to the curb and doing the impossible!

Light: But that makes no sense.

Kamina: Oh! Oh! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHH! JUST WHO THE HELL DO THINK I AM?

**Their conversation was disrupted by the arrival of another monster.**

Robot Santa: SAKUJO-JO-JO! Yagami Light I've come for you, and you as well Kamina and Simon! Think of all the property damage you two have caused to the Helix King! And stealing your robots for shame!

Kamina: **Pose! **OH! OH! OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW DARE YOU COME AND MAKE THOSE ACCUSATIONS TO ME! JUST WHO THE HELL DO THINK I AM? I AM LORD KAMINA OF THE DAI-GURREN BRIGADE. LET'S GO SIMON! YOUR DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!

**The Gurren Lagann and Robot Santa engage in epic combat, and the Gurren Lagann is losing.**

Kamina: LIGHT-KUN! YOU MUST COMBINE YOUR DEATH NOTE WITH GURREN LAGANN, IT'S OKAY I'LL MAKE YOU AN HONORARY MEMBER OF THE DAI-GURREN BRIGADE!

Light: I don't believe that will work.

Kamina: DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU! BELIEVE IN ME THAT BELIEVES IN YOU.

Light: I don't get what your saying.

Kamina: Fuck it then I'll do it myself. **Grabs Death Note and puts it on Gurren Lagann.**

Kamina: DESU NOTO GURREN LAGANN! GIGA DRILL HEARTATTACK! FINISHING BLOW! JUST AS PLANNED!

**Robot Santa is destroyed.**

Ryuk: Well we destroyed Santa Light so it looks like you're safe this year.

Light: JUST AS PLANNED.

Kamina: So now what?

Light: Well there's a party back in Tokyo, but we'll never get there in time.

Kamina: JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM! I LORD KAMINA, OF THE DAI-GURREN BRIGADE WILL GET YOU THERE ON TIME, BECAUSE YOU ARE MY SUBORDINATE! **Pose!**

Light: **Covers ears **Okay I get it, do you always have to be so loud.

Kamina: How else am I supposed to express my manliness?

**At the party.**

L: And so then you defeated Robot Santa and flew here?

Kamina: Pretty much.

Misa: LIGHT-KUN! Where's Mikami?

Light: No clue.

Misa: Then I'm glad that this time, I've got you all to myself! Let me give you your present.

Light: If it isn't L's name don't waste my time. I've had enough surprises this Christmas.

Soichiro: What are you doing Aizawa?

Aizawa: Making Matsuda sing "O Holy Night" and shocking him whenever he gets the words wrong.

Matsuda: "Oh Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining, it is the night of our dear saviors birth, umm dadadada, other words I don't know-AHHHHHHHHH!"

Mogi: Now for the German Lyrics!

Matsuda: NOOOOOO!

**At the North Pole.**

Mello: What the fuck is this? Holy Shit this is Santa's fucking sleigh! You know what this means Silent Matt? This means all the fucking hot bitches and kiddies out there aren't getting the goods in there stockings this year. You know what we got to do, right Silent Matt?

**Matt nods.**

Mello: Let's fucking go Silent Matt. If we're lucky some slut'll wanna Jingle Santa's Balls. BUUUUNNNNG!

**Mello and Matt light up.**

Mello: On Hasher, On Mary Jane, On Cannibas, On X, T, and C, On Angel, On Dust, On Ellis Dee!

**Nothing happens.**

Mello: What the fuck is this? Why aren't you lazy bastards moving?

Matt: You dipshit, those aren't their names. It's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, you retard. That's what you have to fucking say to make them fly.

Mello: I ain't gonna fucking remember all that.

Matt: How bout we just give them some motivation? **Holds up bag.**

Mello: FUCK YEAH!

**Mello and Matt fly off into the night.**

Author's note: Hey I'm back. I had exams and a ton of papers so I missed a few weeks, sorry. I'm off for the month though so I'll be regular from now on. I'll do something to make sure that I do when I update on Saturday.

The dub caught up with me, fortunately they're off this week so I'll get back ahead.

Also since there's no major holiday in January, I'll take suggestions for the next omake. Crossovers are okay but Yaoi isn't, just to bear in mind.

Look for me on Saturday read n review.

Sakujo-jo-jo and Merry Christmas to you all.

**Bonus!**

Near: Guys, guys, this isn't funny, let me down. Mello? Matt? L? Watari? Kate?

Mikami (also hanging from the tree): Shut the hell up kid.


	13. Episode 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, Weekly Shonen Jump would have cancelled me for missing a month of work. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Let's all take a moment of silence to remember the life and Death of that guy on the investigation team. What's his name? The unimportant one. No not Mogi! Oh screw it, his sacrifice was even more useless than Yusuke's.

**Episode the 11****th**Assault Rifle

**At the investigation center:**

Matsuda: Regarding the pizza, who wants what?

L: I want one with everything but anchovies on it, and one with my all time favorite anchovies.

Mogi: But Ryuzaki, we only have enough money for 3 pizzas, can't you get just one?

L: Go to Hell, it was my idea, the third will have cake and Skittles on it. Now where are we buying it from?

Aizawa: Domino's?

Mogi: Papa Gino's?

C.C.: Pizza Hut?

**This life changing decision had to be put on hold however because:**

Watari: Ryuzaki, there's something wrong with the T.V.!

L: Did we forget to pay the cable bill again?

Watari: No, not that kind of problem. It's what's on the T.V.

L: Just jiggle the antenna and the picture should clear up.

Watari: No, it's not the quality of the picture that's the problem, it's the programming.

L: It's the middle of the day, and there's a writer's strike, you don't honestly believe they'll air anything good, do you?

Watari: No that's not it either, just come look.

L: Fine, but you have to tip the delivery boy.

**On the T.V.**

Reporter: This is not a hoax in order to retain viewership during the writer's strike. Kira has taken us hostage, honestly why else would we put a heart with wings as our background?

L: _That's what we're using as Kira's symbol? Bret Hart is gonna sue somebody's ass._

Reporter: Four days ago we received these videotapes. The first tape demanded that the writer's strike end so that new episodes of Scrubs, the Daily Show, and the Colbert Report can air.

L: _Apparently Kira isn't satisfied that only Letterman got his writers back._

Reporter: We've been instructed to play this second tape at a time conviently two minutes from now, any investigation teams or Kira fans who've just tuned in, you're very lucky you haven't missed it. It will contain Kira's message to the world. And here we go:

Videotape: This is Kira. Hi guys,

**Watching his TV from far away**

Might Guy: Hello Kira! I see you're enjoying the springtime of your youth.

**DYNAMIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCC RETURN TO PLOT!**

2nd (Just call it a hunch) Kira: Now that I have your attention, turn over to another channel. The broadcaster guy is about to die.

**On the other channel.**

Might Guy: Lee, I will tell you the secret that will finally allow you to perform ninjutsu. It's-**Head ASPLODES leaving only the thumbs up portion of the Nice Guy Pose.**

**In the investigation center.**

Matsuda: That monster now Naruto will be cancelled.

L: He was hardly important to the plot anyway, bring me another TV……and Matsuda's shock button.

Videotape: Another sacrifice must be made, turn to channel 24.

**On channel 24**

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your fa-**ASPLODE!**

Matsuda: You're his fa-what? His Farsi Translator? His farm hand? His fanboy?

Videotape: By now you should believe I'm Kira huh?

L: We've got to stop that broadcast, who knows what plot twist could suffer next. Also someone give Matsuda a calming shock.

Matsuda: No really I'm FINE! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Aizawa: My contact at the station shut his phone off! Dammit, why couldn't he just set it to vibrate like a normal person?

The other one: Screw this, I'm gonna go stop it myself!

Matsuda: No, uh, uh, what's your name? Ahh, it's been shocked out of my memory.

Aizawa: Then we'll just have to shock it back in!

Matsuda: AHHHH….that….doesn't…make…any…sense. Hey…why…you…just…tell…me…his…name.

Aizawa: Cuz I forgot it too! **Shocks Matsuda again.**

Kira: Here me now, I don't want to have to kill innocent people. Just give me my damn TV shows back. That's all I want, oh and no criminals too. So just stay out of my way and watch, I will create a new world, with no crime and an uninterrupted fall premiere season.

**Soichiro's ex wife shuts off TV.**

Soichiro: I was watching that!

Ex: I know, and I'm taking the remote with me, in your condition you'll never be able to turn it back on. So just lie there and think about how you let our marriage fail.

Soichiro: Sachiko, you're a heartless sadistic bitch. That's why our marriage failed.

**What's his name is driving wildly to the police station.**

Whn: Shit, it's locked. Hey Jaded Ninja is actually giving me lines.

JN: Believe me, if anyone else were around you wouldn't have them.

Whn: Oh, well that sucks.

JN: Get him Kira!

Whn: _Oh no, I'm gonna die, must reach L-anti-death spray on utility belt-_ **ASPLODE!**

**At the investigation center:**

Matsuda: OH NO! Kira got him!

Aizawa: He was one of us, kinda.

Mogi: I'll miss him, sorta.

Aizawa: Well I better go finish the job he started, shoulda known better than to trust a red shirt.

L: Wait, you have a name Aizawa, you're far too important to go.

Aizawa: Then who do you suggest we send, we're out of red shirts.

L: Matsuda will go.

Matsuda: Hey, wait a minute, if Aizawa's willing to go why don't we let him?

L: Because, Aizawa is more important than you. He has an afro, which makes him the closest thing to a black guy in this anime. You are the comic relief, fiction law states that the comic relief goes first after we've run out of red shirts.

Aizawa: But then who will we shock? Don't you see we still need Matsuda to vent our frustrations at!

L: Don't you think I know that? But we'll just have to get anger management.

**Someone is not in his hospital bead and is driving an ambulance! And he's crashing it into the TV station! Who says Death Note lacks action? Soichiro and I scoff at you! Hah hah!**

Guard: What the Hell is this? Are you lost? Do you think this is TTGL or something? This is Death Note pal! Take your hot blooded antics elsewhere!

Sochiro: JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!

**Investigation.**

L: Holy Shit, it's like he's channeling Crispin Freeman!

**At the TV station.**

Soichiro: Hand over the damn video tapes!

J. Jonah Jameson: How the hell did you get in here? You're fired! On you're way out tell the guard he's fired too!

Soichiro **whips out gun:** Give me the tapes!

J.J.: How the hell did you get a gun in Japan?

**Commercial Bump**

_**People who can't be killed via Death NoteTM**_

_Chuck Norris: Well whose skin did you think a magic notebook that could kill people was made out of?_

_Matt Hardy: He said it himself, he will NOT DAH!_

_Jeff Hardy: If the guy could live through all the shit he's pulled off, I doubt a notebook will stop him, unless it's the Paint Huffing NoteTM. Maybe it's a family trait to be immune from the Note._

_Wolverine: His adamantium heart will just regenerate_

**End Commercial Bump.**

**Two policemen pull up and get out of their cars then die.**

L: Someone get me a phone. **Calls deputy director.** What the hell man, were you even watching the TV?

Deputy: Oops, yeah sorry.

Aizawa: Ryuzaki, Soichiro called me!

L: Give me the phone.

Soichiro: Ryuzaki, this is Soichiro.

L: You crazy bastard, that was you?

Soichiro: Yup, I got all the tapes too.

L: But weren't you just in the hospital? How are you.

Soichiro: I've never felt so alive!

L: Hold on, I'm also on the phone with the deputy police director.

**Epic phone switch!**

L: It was Soichiro who broke in and got the tapes.

**Epic switch back!**

L: Yagami, leave through the front entrance in five minutes.

Sochiro: Okay.

**Later**

Soichiro: I'm back! And I got you a present Ryuzaki.

L: Ooh, is it cake?

Soichiro: No, I meant the Kira tapes.

L: That's not a present.

Soichiro: No, it's only an expression.

L: **Mopes**

Sochiro: Fine, I'll get you a cake.

L: Yay! _But not even cake can overcome the gravity of this situation. I thought Kira needed a name and a face to kill, but apparently he only needs a…what am I saying of course cake can overcome the gravity of this situation. It's delicious! Hmm the package the videos came in is postmarked from Osaka. There's no way I've been outsmarted by someone from Osaka, they're like the rednecks of Japan. No Kira must have manipulated someone to deliver this for him._ Aizawa can you analyze this?

Aizawa: You're just saying that so you'll get all the cake.

L: So?

Aizawa: Fine, I'll do it.

**Even Later.**

L: I've analyzed these videos, they are most interesting. There are instructions for if the police cooperate or not. If the police cooperate, among other things Kira wants me to appear on TV. Essentially he's going to hold me hostage. Nobody holds me hostage, so go tell Jonah to play tape four.

**Even Laterer.**

Videotape: Aww come on guys, no? That's totally not cool. Didn't you see me kill those guys? Sigh, fine, you can make it up to me by showing L or the Chief of Police's face on TV in four days. K thanx.

**In Light's room.**

Light: This is great. I've got a fanboy/girl with a Death Note. But as wonderful as this is, and for plot purposes I get why, it still begs the question, WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T I HAD ANY LINES BEFORE THIS! IT'S BEEN ALMOST THE ENTIRE FREAKING EPISODE! I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER DAMMIT! WHAT DO I GET, A LITTLE CAMEO AT THE BEGINNING AND THEN I HAVE TO WAIT 15 MINUTES FOR A LINE? COME ON!

Ryuk: Hey calm down Light, I didn't even get the cameo!

Light: Silence Shinigami. Don't compare your goofy sidekick screentime to mine. That damn L hogged the entire episode! Even that no name got more time than me! This sucks. That's it, I'm gonna get in on this investigation of this other Kira. That way I'll be sure to get plenty of screentime next week. As Me as My witness, I swear I'll never be off screen agai-

**Investigation Headquarters.**

Soichiro: It's decided you have to appear on TV, Ryuzaki.

L: Yes-

Light: WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. I'm holding this episode hostage, until I get a guarantee I won't get cut out like this again!

Jaded Ninja: Alright calm down Light.

Light: You'll give in to my demands then?

JN: Sorry only the creators can do that. I'm just mocking their work. However, we really can't continue without this plot point that shows how awesome L is so…CHLOROFORM!

**Light is knocked out.**

JN: Now let's all watch L in his Batmanesque deductions.

L: Yes that would be the smart plan. We still have three days to think of a way to save me though. It'd be totally uncool to go out against an imposter.

Soichiro: What do you mean, you saw what he did to Guy-Sensei and Darth Vader!

L: It's a fake, or rather a second Kira.

Soichiro, Aizawa, Mogi, Matsuda: Impossible!

L: Those people killed were small fries. This Kira was just trying not to kill anyone big the real Kira had planned.

Soichiro: You're shitting me.

L: Nope 70 percent. If we catch one we can get closer to the other. Is it okay if your son helps us Yagami?

Soichiro: You don't suspect him anymore?

L: No, I still do, but I'm sick of him throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

Soichiro: Sigh, okay fine.

L: Good, but don't tell him we're looking for two Kira's. I want to mess with him a little.

**Meanwhile, the fake Kira is walking down the street.**

Rem: Hey Misa, why don't you kill people for yourself, instead of helping Kira?

Misa: But eye liek totully am. Eye want 2 help Keera and so Eye am. Thatz y eye cent teh videos. Eyem shure Keera iz nice 2 suite goffik gurlz liek me. 'Sidz iff it cums down 2 it, Misa will win becuz Misa haz teh Is!

Author's note.

Back and in full swing.

Ukita, Ukita, Ukita! Hey I finally remembered the name. Not like they said it in the episode or anything. Oh well.

Like I promised I was gonna make sure I don't miss anymore weeks, at least until school starts again in late January. So will my assistant please come forward.

Lelouch: Are you sure you want to do this?

JN: Fire away!

Lelouch: You will not miss another update of Death Note: The Abridged Series.

JN: YES YOUR HIGHNESS! Now if you could just perform your other task, I'll give you a free Pizza Hut coupon.

Lelouch **Faces Readers:** Submit a signed review of Death Note: The Abridged Series.


	14. Episode 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do, got it memorized? Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Freakirazoid**

_Super evil madman extraordinaire_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, YAGAMI!_

_Ryuzaki's on his tail,_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, YAGAMI!_

_Kills all the criminals whose names and faces he can see,_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, YAGAMI!_

_Misa nearly blew his cover on TV,_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, YAGAMI!_

_His ego's overloaded,_

_Go against him and you'll get Death Noted!_

_He's probably on cocaine like Sigmund Frued,_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, YAGAMI!_

_Check out Light Yagami, unbearably smart douche,_

_But when he got the Death Note his madness got let loose!_

_He turned into the Kira,_

_Defender of the weak,_

_He drove the investigation team so crazy, that they shock Matsuda whenever he speaks!_

_The next line I couldn't understand_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, YAGAMI!_

_I could probably hunt them down, but I'm a lazy man,_

_JADED NINJA, HALF ASSED THIS VERSE YOU SEE!_

_This series would have been cooler with some sort of Kiramobile!_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, BETTER THE J00!_

_Would have got more than two movie deals,_

_BUT REALLY WHAT CAN YOU DO?_

_He's building his own nation,_

_If I miss a week please be patient,_

_If L doesn't catch him soon he'll take over Dende's position as Kami,_

_LIGHT YAGAMI, YAGAMI!_

_YAGAMI!_

Episode the 12th: Luv

Soichiro: Light, L wants you on the investigation team, please come down as soon as possible.

Light: Okay. _It's about damn time, I've been sitting around for a week since the fake Kira case came out, it's like stuff only happens in this world on Saturdays._

**At the investigation headquarters.**

Light: Thank you for inviting me here Orlando.

L: Please call me Ryuzaki while you're here.

**The rest of the team gives off their fake names**

Mogi: Mitsubishi

Aizawa: Subaru

Soichiro: Honda

Matsuda: Nissan

Ginyu: Ginyu! And together we are…THE GINYU FORCE! **Pose!**

L: Umm no, get the hell out of my show.

Ginyu: I like that body of yours.

L: You and all my fangirls, now get out.

Ginyu: CHANGE….**L throws apple in the way..**NOO!!!

**Ryuk eats apple.**

Light: So does that make me Light Honda?

L: Why the hell not, I'm just gonna call you Light anyway, now shut the hell up and do my work for me. I'm gonna go eat a Twix bar.

**Camera pans over to Soichiro for some reason (it really does)**

Soichiro: Twix bar..**drools**

**Last night.**

L: So we're gonna hide the fact that there's a second Kira, and we're also gonna tell Light that in order to join the team he has to run around the building in nothing but a scarf, agreed?

Matsuda: But that would be ly-

**L glares at him with finger inches from the button.**

Matsuda: Never mind.

L: Furthermore we are going to tape it on these videos. **Holds up Kira tapes sent to J. J. Jameson.**

Matsuda: Okay first of all that's tampering with evidence, and second I'm pretty sure those are audio cassettes, not videos, they are way too small.

L: Why do you keep tempting fate? I guess shocking you won't teach you anything so instead we're going to give some of your screentime for a flashback of Ukita's death. That's right he has a name now. Then we're going to have a random shot of the chandelier while I'm talking, but this is the only why you'll learn to just shut up and agree with me.

**Light is watching the videos, or is he?**

Light: _Now that no one is around, I'm free to watch these episodes of Zoey 101! I can't help but notice Jamie's been getting a little chubby lately, Oh crap I get the feeling that my secret is no longer a secret, Like three people are watching me. _**Camera pans out to reveal Soichiro, Aizawa, and Matsuda with stern looks on their faces, yes even Matsuda, **_I'll just pretend like I don't see them._

L: You know she's pregnant right? She's every bit as big a slut as her sister.

Light: _Why You! _You don't know what the hell you're talking about, Jamie is a good wholesome girl!

Soichiro: Oh thank God, Light, you really aren't gay!

Light: Of course I'm not, _Just as planned,_ Why else would I watch a Teennick drama about the lives of girls in high school? A boy my age would never do something like that unless he had the hots for the lead actress.

Aizawa: He's right!

Matsuda: That's the same reason I watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch when I was his age, well until the talking cat scared me.

Soichiro: _What a wuss_

L: Anyway, Light, there really are two Kiras.

Light: Why the hell didn't you tell me this before?

L: If you had watched the videos like you were supposed to instead of ogling 16 year olds you would have figured it out on your own. Now get off you ass I need you to help me make a video that will prevent the second Kira from killing me. I want you to play the part of the real Kira, I'm sure it'll be a real stretch for you.

Light: Aww, not really, after all I'm the real Ki-_Wait a minute, play it cool Light-_the real Keybladermaster, yup that's me. _Nice._

L: Okay, Sora, let me know when you're done cosplaying so we can get to work. Not like my life's in danger or anything.

Light: _Wow Ryuzaki's really nice, too bad I left my Valor form outfit at home. Wait a minute, I don't cosplay, heh, I even fooled myself. I'm so clever. I'm Godly clever._

L: Hey, jackass, quit inner monologuing that was sarcasm, I need this video done by this evening.

**Later**

Light: I wrote the instructions on this handkerchief so that while you're reading it I'll be the only character on screen. See I like this, just like Episode 1 all over again. Hey no don't pan over to Ryuzaki! Aww come on, you can't even see his face.

L: Suck it, now this is fine, but you gotta take out that part that says kill L, or I'll die.

Light: But Kira would want you dead.

L: I don't care get rid of it.

Light: It's a very important line!

Ronald Reagan: Mr. Yagami, Remove This Line!

Light: Fine do whatever, I don't care. Let's see you spend your afternoon writing a video response and we'll see how you feel when it's picked apart.

**When the video is airing.**

Video: Hello, I am Kira.

Misa: YAIZ! Eye goatse a response frum Keera!

Video: The videos sent to Sakura TV weren't from the real Kira. While I appreciate the help from the second Kira, they need to back the hell off. Killing innocent people isn't cool, and we all know what Carlito does to people who don't want to be cool.

Carlito: I spit in their face! **Takes bite from apple.**

Video: So chill out and don't kill innocent people, or I'll kill you.

Rem: Hey what are you doing?

Misa: Eyem senting a response 2Keera! Duhz

**End sent a response shay dud…err I mean and send a response she did!**

Watari: Ryzuaki, we got a message from the second Kira! Here it is!

Video: I completely understand Mr. Kira. I will do exactly ask you ask. Good day.

Light: _Moron, Kill L dammit! Curse you Reagan!_

Video: I want to meet you. I do not believe you have the eyes, and should you require their services, I wish to assist you.

Light:_ You'll ruin everything shuttup! I can't believe this is happening! Don't say anything about the Shinigami!_

Video: Think of a way we can meet without the police knowing, when we do we can show each other our Death Gods, it'll be just like a secret club!

**At this moment L, who had been getting progressively more bug eyed than usual lost his composure for the first time ever, and screamed like a possessed child.**

L: Shinigami, don't tell me they exist!

**Commercial bump**

_**Idiots Guide to Using the Death NoteTM**_

_When combined with the Undeath NoteTM you can create armies of zombies. Said armies are not necessarily loyal to the possessor of the Undeath NoteTM, however._

_Lost+Brain, Takeshi and Tsugumi are gonna use the Lawsuit Note on your ass._

**End Commercial Note.**

L: Shinigami…don't tell me they exist!

Matsuda: No way.

Soichiro: Yeah it's not like one is standing behind us right now.

Ryuk: **Cackles**

Light: Umm right, there's no way they exist, it probably just means that they'll show off their killing powers to prove to each other their Kira.

L: Yeah that must be it. Anyway, let's watch for a little bit. If our Kira doesn't make a response then either the fake will get jittery and make a new one to try and force an audience with Kira, or the real Kira will expose us as a fraud. This is about to get fun.

**Now for some background and hopefully spelling lessons for Misa.**

Misa: Hay Rum, lemme ax j00 sumthin'. Origami need 2 can has Deaf Notes, M I rite? 4 dem 2 play wit homuns dey need 2 can has too? Ryu trucked teh Origami Kang 2 gut he M I rite?

Rem: Yes, well actually no, later it will be revealed that he got it from a really fat Shinigami who gets taken hostage by Mello and Silent Matt in about 5 years, but for now that's the story.

Misa: Dud j00 due dat 2?

Rem: Nope, he's too smart to be tricked.

Misa: Den how dud j00 due it?

Rem: I know how to kill a Death God.

Misa: OH MY SATAN! J00's a muddurur? Dat iz sew goffik!

Rem: No I just happened to be there when it happened, or at least that was my story in court.

Misa: J00's a fukkin' prep poser. Toll Meesa how 2 kill Origami!

Rem: Don't tell anyone. The way to kill a Shinigami is to make them fall in love with a human.

Misa: Dat iz totally trajik + dork, sew goffik!

Rem: There was once a Shinigami who constantly gazed a human girl, especially in the shower, he was called Jealous.

Meesa: Ewww, storker!

Rem: Today's the day, that girl is gonna die. The Shinigami king got sick of you being a peeping Tom and moved her death date up.

Jealous: That sucks hardcore.

Rem: I was curious to see what the old geezer had planned for her so I stuck around.

Misa: Rum, j00 sadistik bathurd, dere's hop 4 j00 yet!

Rem: One day the girl was alone, and a man came up and confessed his love for her, never having seen him before she refused. So the man resolved to kill her then himself.

Misa: Dis story iz gutting very goffik.

Rem: Jealous did something no Shinigami should ever do, he used his Death Note to save that girl. But that's not allowed. Shinigami are supposed to just take life not save it, and Jealous turned to sand or rust or something I couldn't tell.

Misa: Blud soaked teerz?

Rem: Sure, why not. All that remained was the Death Note, his remaining life went to the girl he was stalking.

Misa: And eff he hasn't luvved her, he woodent has dyed?

Rem: Yup

Misa: Sew, teh parson hu saved Meesa's live buck den, wuz Jellyous?

Rem: Jealous loved you. That's why the notebook is yours.

Misa: Sew Eye C. J00ve gut 2 mak teh Origami fall n luvv wit some1? And den dey dye? Sew goffik! Newaiz Eyem glad Eye gut rid ov 2 storkers n 1 dey. Whut abut j00 Rum? RU gonna fall n luvv and stork Meesa 2?

Rem: Give it up, you can't kill me

Misa: OU gussed? LOL! NEwaiz, Eye now has sumding elk 2 toll Keera. Eye wonder eff he knowz. Eye tolled hum 2 fund a gud wai 4 us 2 meat each other, bot Eye still hasn't gut a response! Mayb Eye shuld sey sumding agin!

**In a café where proper grammar is used and homophones aren't confused…hey that rhymed!**

Light: I can't leave the second Kira to his own devices, aside from the fact that they could totally screw me over if they aren't smart, this is just like before I was on the investigation team and my screen time was divided. I have to find a way to make sure that I am at least on screen when L and the second Kira are as well, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

**In the background Misa is getting seated at the same restaurant.**

Light: Damn, I wish there were just some way I could meet the second Kira!

Misa: Eye can't waytz 2 meat Keera!

Light: I wonder what the second Kira's like.

Misa: Eye wonder whut Keera's lick!

Author's Note: SHE'S RIGHT THE HELL BEHIND YOU! TURN AROUND!

Oh well, morons.

I hope you enjoyed reading it. Remember readers, Death Note is on at 11:30 from now on, as part of Adult Swim's "Shinigami Hour" (my name, not theirs) with Bleach.

FMA gets DN's spot! I'm so happy!

The Reagan scene originally called for a musical adaptation of "Molasses to Rum" from 1776, but I thought that would be too obscure, plus it would have taken me until Sunday to update.

Also, check out the copy pasta action in Lost + Brain. A high schooler who kills criminals via hypnosis, and is hunted down by the detective M?

At least Tite Kubo had the decency to stop stealing Yoshihiro Togashi's manga once Soul Society Arc began.

In other news, my friend came back from China and as a gift she bought me chopsticks. Now I can eat my food like a real otaku! After I learn to use them that is.

Epobbp- "I want one with everything but anchovies on it, and one with my all time favorite anchovies." That sounds really familiar from somewhere but I can't think of where -.- very funny chapter update soon!"

Futurama, when Fry finds out his bank account's interest has made him rich. It was on like 2 days before I did last week's episode.

Akatsuki Ferret- "Lol, is Misa suppossed to be like that thing that wrote the worst fanfic in existance, My Immortal?"

Yup Misa Misa is based off Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, the heroine of Tara Gilesbie's epicly bad Harry Potter Fanfic, My Immortal. It isn't the first reference to it I've made yet, but fangz (lol geddit?) for noticing.

Starry Sky-"Yays, you listened to my suggestion! But Naruto can't be canceled, it's my favorite show next to Death Note! DAMN YOU MISA! At least it was just Gai... Anyway, looking forward to the next episode! JN, I am your fa-ASPLODE"

Sorry about the not writing in the x's. Looks like it wasn't cancelled, it's on now! And don't worry I'm current with the manga, Gai being dead wouldn't effect anything, in fact he might deserve after the Gai vs. Gai fight in Shippuden. My eyes.

Reader- "But when Mello and Matt do end up showing up in the "abridged" series (apart from specials) maybe instead of cursing you could put 's or [BEEP's. There's also more room for jokes there! (ex. "[BEEP [BEEP watermelon [BEEP!") Hmm, I dunno I'm just brainstorming..."

Perhaps, that might be a good idea. I'm reminded of the scene in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back where the reporter reads their threat with all the expletives deleted.

Read and review or Misa will take English class…...or not whichever is worse!


	15. Episode 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do, if I owned Death Note, the Note would have a Shikai and Bankai release. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Episode the Thirteenth: Jason's Confessions

**Light was walking down the street when he got a phone call:**

"The second Kira sent another videotape to Jameson, so we sent your father to go crash through the front of J.J.'s TV station to get it. Rumor has it this time Kira sent his diary."

Light: Can't you people just ask for the video? Did you have to go the route of property damage? _Diary, who the hell sends a diary?_

Ryuk: Good news for you eh Light? Who else but a total fag would send a diary?

Light: Yes ind-I'M NOT GAY!

**When Light arrived at the investigation headquarters.**

Light: So this is it huh?

Soichiro: Yes, reading it just isn't as fun when someone gives it to you though.

L: There's a few Lol-worthy entries, check out the 30th.

Light: I woke up with my sheets wet again, my mother told me I was far too old to be wetting the bed, but I had that nightmare about the Shinigami again. _I can only assume that because the word Shinigami is there that they want to meet me on the 30__th__. But man, what a wuss. I certainly didn't piss myself when Ryuk showed up, no siree. But anyway only the person with the Death Note could see Ryuk, wait a minute what about this entry._ "Met with a friend, we looked at each other's notebooks.

Ryuk:_ I bet Light wouldn't mind looking at Ryuzaki's "note-_

Light: NOT EVEN IN YOUR THOUGHTS!

**In the final resting ground for grammar, dancing gleefully on it's grave:**

Misa: Hay, Rum,

Rem: Hmm?

Misa: Even tho Eye has teh I's ov uh Origami, Eye cunt c Meesa's pwn live spam. Con u X-plane y dat iz agen?

Rem: Because you only need to see the life spans of the people you're going to kill. Shinigami can't see each other's life spans either.

**Back at the Lcave.**

Light: _So by notebooks they must mean Death Note's, HAH! Only I will get that! The stupid police will be focusing on the one on the 30__th_

L: So Light, you aren't keeping anything from us are you?

Light: _Better not say anything too revealing. _Nah not really, just that they want to meet Kira and see his note-_Dammit, what did I just say!-_note…noteworthy love of baseball at the Giants game on the 30th, yup that must be it! _Smooth, Just As Planned._

Matsuda: See I told you al-AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**Shocked!**

Soichiro: No one gave you permission to speak. Sigh, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Matsuda has a point, if even he can figure it out than Kira's plan is fairly obvious. Everyone will know they are going to be at the game and it will be cancelled.

L: Yeah, it's pretty dumb. I don't know what to do other than stuff my face with these delicious chocolates. If we broadcast it, we'd have to cancel the game, and I have skybox tickets, but if we don't the second Kira won't do anything and I can't catch him.

Matsuda: And the second Kira might get angry if we cancel the game too righ-TSAW!

L: Don't interrupt, this isn't about Kira or innocent lives, this about how this effects me, oh wait, the tickets are good for a raincheck, okay broadcast the diary and announce the game is cancelled. Then beef up security around the ballpark, and we'll announce that Kira agrees to meet there.

Soichiro: You really don't think anyone is that stupid do you?

L: Honestly I'm surprised you morons are able to make coherent grunts. Now be a good little policeman and do what L says…oh yeah and monitor any other place they mention, just in case….

Light: _Dammit, L you knew all along. Oh well, if they're caught I just gotta get their Death Note, then I'll kill them and anyone else in my way!_

L:….and put cameras up…and more plain clothes police officers…and get me another cake, one shaped like a whale.

Matsuda: I'll do it, I know just what kind he likes!

Light: I'll go as well, just to make sure Matsuda doesn't screw up.

**Later**

Light: Well Matsuda, well get that cake soon.

Matsuda: Yeah, I wonder how long we can make him wait.

**L is watching!**

**And Matsuda's phone is ringing.**

L: Hey, you little bitch, you better get me my freaking cake!

Matsuda: Yeah Yeah I will.

**At Light's house.**

Mom: Light, you're home awfully late, what were you doing young man?

Light: Nothing. _If I tell her I was with dad it'll be nothing but trouble. _I have a girlfriend at college.

Mom: Oh Light! I'm so glad, I thought you were, you know…

Light: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M GAY?!!!

Sayu: He Lies! He Lies! Big brother's about as straight as a circle.

Light: I'm an 18 year old college student, it's only natural I have a girlfriend.

Sayu: A natural lie!

Mom: What about dinner.

Light: Shut the Hell up, you little troll. Oh and I had room service at the hotel.

Sayu: Hotel? You rented an entire hotel room just to play with yourself?

**In his room.**

Light: Bitch, so Ryuk I have something I want to ask you.

Ryuk: I'm not finding you a boyfriend.

Light: Shut it, just tell me, can Death God's on earth talk to each other.

Ryuk: I dunno, but that doesn't matter I'll just do whatever I want, it ain't against the rules or anything.

Light: And if the other Shingami saw me, would they tell the other Kira?

Ryuk: Depends on how big a dick they are.

Light: So then you wouldn't tell me anything.

Ryuk: That's right, you're on your own.

Light: You're a real asshole, Ryuk.

Ryuk: Thank you.

Light: Holy Shit, there's a café in Aoyoma called Note Blue. That must be where the second Kira wants to meet. That's clever…me clever. I don't like this person.

Ryuk: Hahaha! I love it.

**A few days later in Aoyoma.**

Matsuda: Light why are all these people here?

Light: These are my friends from the university, guys this is my cousin Tarou, he's new here and pretty lame so I thought maybe hanging out with us might rub some cool off on him, whattaya say?

Matsuda: _Man why'd he have to make my cover story so lame?_

Light: _This is perfect, no one even if the second Kira sees Ryuk they won't know who I am, all that's left now is to monitor the Note Blue, it'll all be Just As Planned._

**But it wasn't Just As Planned, cuz Light didn't know a nerdy girl sitting in the café was really….MISA!**

Misa: Fondled j00! Yaygamee Zukey-kuun eh? (Honestly I don't know what the dub is gonna do for that line, since she calls him "Tsuki," I guess we'll find out next week. I guess it'll be lost in translation like Kubo's Strawberry-kun.) Hay, Rum lettuce go homo.

Rem: After all the effort you put into meeting him?

Misa: Idded b wired 4Meesa2go upp2he sey "Eyem sew hoppy2meat j00 Keera-sand, wooden id? New dat Eye no he 'Nam, idyll b ez2fund out moore. Idds n' nun-usual 'Nam fter alt.

**Cummershal….err I mean Commercial Bump.**

_**How to Use Death NoteTM for Dummies.**_

_The Death NoteTM will not effect those under 780 days old, unless of course you actually take the time to figure out how long 780 days is in time normal people can understand._

_The Death NoteTM will be rendered useless if you misspell someone's name 4 times, makes you wonder how Misa's gotten this far, eh?_

**End Commercial Bump**

Misa: O, sew idz wroten, 'Zuki, butt pronunced 1337!

**Interesting side note, based off Light's profile on the screen the author is older (by a few days), heavier (by about 10 lbs), and shorter (by about 3 inches) than Anime-Light.**

Misa: Dat's kunda bowtiefull! Stale, him's prettee M-azing, dis Yaygaymee 1337! Apparately him wuz Nashunull Tetris Tampon dring him sekand third yeer ov High Skull. Allsew, 4dis yeer'z Tenchi Universe introduckshon speech, him wuz teh clash representastove. Deredere's know foto, butt wit uh 'Nam liek dis, deredere's know 1 elk id culd b! Eyed neffer gussed dat Keera'd b sew yung hawt, effen eff his uh liddle preppy. Eff Misa cun mak he goffik, edded b purfuck! Deredere's plases sulling rejester's 2, dis wurld's suck uh twisted plase. Now Eye no he ass dreads 2!

**At the L cave.**

Mogi: In the end in Aoyoma and Shibuya, we were unable to find a single bakery with a cake shaped like a whale, all that remains now are the restaurants in the Dome on the 30th.

Light: _They didn't sell them in Note Blue either, don't tell me we're going to find one at the Dome?_

Watari's computer: L, the second Kira has sent another message to J. Jonah Jameson.

L: Oh freaking Hecate, I'm never gonna get that cake am I?

Video: I was able to find Kira, thank you all for your help.

Light: _When did they do that, I don't remember meeting them. Did they see Ryuk? No I was in a crowd, are they freaking psychic?_

L: _Then that means when Light was in Aoyoma instead of looking for a cake like he was supposed to he met with the second Kira. Not only was he furthering his ambition to kill me, he was also denying me delicious delicious cake…the bastard!_

Soichiro: Does this mean they've joined forces?

L: Maybe, but the video only said they found Kira, they probably haven't made contact yet. All that's left now is to offer a favorable deal for ratting out the first Kira.

Ryuk: Hahahaha! Things aren't looking up for you are they?

Light: _Dammit, I'm so freaking screwed. This isn't fair, I can't even take refuge in the fact that I'll survive to the end of the season, a good number of anime end at 13 episodes!_

**Light is watching the video that might seal his doom.**

Video: Listen up second Kira, you must not approach Kira. Not only would it be incredibly bad for us, but he will use you then kill you. Think about what Officer McGruff would do...tell us everything you know about Kira and help us take a bite out of crime!

**Misa gets up and leaves, is she going to tell the police about Light?**

Rem: Where are you going.

Misa: 2Confetti!

**Oh man that could either be really good for Light, or really messy for the janitor.**

Rem: Oh so this is the choice you've made.

Light's mom: I wonder if its Soichiro and his lawyer here to take the house.

Sayu: I'll get it! Hey daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad?

Misa: May Satin bless j00r evening. Misa's 'Nam iz Misa Mid'nite Lucifer Insanity Amanway. Eyeve cum 2 retorn uh berry importent nutbuck dat 1337 levved et cottage.

Sayu: Oh okay…Hey Light get your ass down here there's a girl at the door.

**Light closes the door behind him and is alone outside with Misa.**

Misa: Pleezed 2 meat j00, Eyem Misa Mid'nite Lucifer Insanity Amanway. Eye wuz witching Teavee Eye thut j00 Might worry abutt Misa! Sew Eye jest has 2 cum hear. Dis nutbuck.

Light: _Desu Noto…crap it's wearing off me, Death Note. _**Touches it. **_Shinigami! It's the fake Kira. _Come in.

Misa: RU shore dat idz ok? Eyem sew hoppy!

Light: Mother, she's gone to all the effort of bringing me this, could you be useful and make us some tea or something?

Mom: Uhh..okay.

Light: I told you I wasn't gay.

**In Light's room.**

Light: Have a seat.

Misa: Tank j00.

Light: How the Hell did you do it?

Misa: J00 reely don't has teh Is due j00? Eff j00 trade j00r Is wif un Origami j00 cun c peeps 'Nams live spasms. Butt j00 cunt c teh live spams ov dose wif teh Deaf Nut.

Ryuk: Oops, I never knew that.

Light: What, what did she say? What's a Deaf Nut?

Ryuk: Is there something in your ears Light? It's pretty clear to me, she said Death Note.

Light: Right, umm anyway…if you're caught it's bad for me because all my secrets will be revealed.

Misa: Ets ok, sew fir Satan have been berry kind 2 Meesa. Eye hasn't been cut yet eff Eye dew as j00 sey, Eyell never be cut ever! Den Eyell c Elle's 'Nam and Eyell b j00r Is! Sew.

Light: Bullshit, you've probably cut yourself several times.

Ryuk: Caught Light.

Light: Oh…so?

Misa: Plz mak Misa j00r gurlfan!

Light: Isn't she already my girl fan?

Ryuk: Sorry Misa, Light doesn't swing that way. This whole situation is probably very disappointing for him.

Light: I'M NOT GAY! _Oh girlfriend, I'll have to remember to thank Ryuk later for clearing that up._ Oh yeah, umm, I can't, cuz there were tons of surveillance cameras in Aoyoma, so if you were there you'd be caught and if we're seen together that'd be bad, cuz I'm already under suspicion, yeah.

Ryuk: Sounds like chickening out to me!

Misa: Know, Eye thut ov dat, Eye won't inn disgust.

Light: Yes, well uh your distaste for Aoyoma won't change anything.

Ryuk: OH! She was in disguise! See Light, she planned ahead, now ask her out!

Light: Umm, fingerprints, your fingerprints are all over those videos!

Misa: Eye thut ov dat 2, Eye uzid 2 luv en Con'seye 1 ov Misa's fanz wuz allsew wuz goffik Eye gut hur 2 mak sum videos abutt hosts and spear-itz. Den Eye addud audacity putt Keera un dem wiffut gutting fingerprince on dem!

Light: Oh…well…I imagine….what you said…probably covers it, so what's your fan doing now.

Misa: Eff j00 tolled Misa 2 keel dem, Eyed due et right away, idded b sew goffik! Eff j00 stale wunt truss Misa, Eyell gift j00 Misa's Nunchuck! Eyell skull b teh owner sew Eyell still has teh Is! Rite Rum?

Rem: Yup.

Misa: Den, Eye won't b Abel 2 kilt j00, butt j00 con krill Misa eff Eye bcum youthless.

Light: _I don't even have a Wii._ But you could still have fabric to make a kilt for me hidden somewhere.

Misa: Y Dew j00 has 2b sew suspectfull ov Misa? Eye don't mend even eff Eye am lewd bye j00! Beleaf Misa!

Light: _She's angry about something, but I have no clue what. If I complain Rem and Ryuk just act like I'm crazy and say I'm hearing things._

Misa: A yeer agoo Misa's pair ents wur kooled in front ov her. Eye dudn't thank Eyed ever c sumfang sew goffik ever again. Butt den Eye herd abutt j00, kipping all teh crummy nails Eye S-cry-ed tears off blood, cuz it wuz sew bowtiefull. Plz lut Misa join j00. 2 Misa, Keera iz a divine beesting. Eye luv j00 moor than Hot Topic, mule dan MCR elfin whore dan Satin! Know mother whut, Eye wont follow j00!

Light: _She won't follow me? Oh shit she's crying, what do I do, think fast Light._

**Epic Hug!**

Light: I understand _Lying will make her feel better._ I can't be your boyfriend,

Ryuk: Cuz he likes men!

Light: I will be your boyfriend, your eyes that you sacrificed half your life for will be very useful to me.

Ryuk: And you give him a good cover to stay in the closet!

Misa: Eye geddit. Fangz berry much. Eyell tray Misa's stardust to mak j00 luv Misa.

Light: _Stardust…what the…no forget it…_

Misa: _Jest us Planted!_

Author's Note: Hey! I made it through another one! We are like a third of the way done with Death Note, slightly tragic.

I planned to be done with this episode before DN aired this week, but my brother's friend came over so I chose to play 4 player X-Men Legends 2 instead and didn't start until 8:30, which then add in Naruto and One Piece and you get it taking me 4 and a half hours to summarize 22 minutes, sorry.

I am 3 days away, well technically 2 now, from having my wisdom teeth removed. Ouch, fortunately I'm still on break from college and I should be recovered by next Saturday so it won't effect you guys at all.

Konahamaru: "WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! Did you just copy this awsome stuff off some dubbed version of Death Note?! If you did, I'm very ashamed of you! (but it's so good I'll keep reading it.) If it's not, then you're cool. If you don't answer back to this, I will niavly assume that you didn't copy it, and therefore be nice to you."

If you'll note, I'm a week ahead of the dub, and I used to be more, I have to rely on whatever comes to mind as I watch the episode, very little of it is planned beforehand.

Mel Silva: "So... did you actually MAKE the show?

(Wah! My friends and I were working on a Death Note: Abridged series! We were good into it, too!)"

Nope, I've never made a video. And **Smashes your Abridged Series** "Who's gonna want to watch a broken Abridged Series, no one that's who! Welcome to the world of business!" No, I'm curious as to what yours was like, I'm sure it was good.

Thanks a bunch guys read and review, or rather review, since if you've gotten this far, you've already read.

Bonus:

L: Carvel! Shit I should have told them to go to Carvel! Now I'll never get to eat Fudgie the Whale…


	16. Episode 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Kira, the God of the Universe!**

_KIRA! THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE!!!_

_I am Light, the greatest student in Japan, and user of the Death Note. This is Misa, my number one fangirl. Fabulous powers over death were revealed to me, when I held the Note aloft said "BY THE POWER OF THE DEATH NOTE, JUST AS PLANNED." Misa became very annoying, and I became Kira, the future god of the universe. Only two others know this secret, though I consider neither of them a friend, Rem and Ryuk the Shinigami. Since they all either are too inept or too much of a jerk to help me, I defend this secret all by myself from the evil L and his investigation team. _

**Episode the Fourteenth**: Best Friends Forever

**When we last parted ways Light was in the middle of giving an epic hug to Misa Misa. We join our her-, villi-, protagonist shortly thereafter.**

Light: _I'll let her see L's face and then kill her she's the only one who knows Kira's secret._

Ryuk: No pretty much everyone knows you fancy men.

Light: _Like I said, she's the only one._

Misa: Pretend 2b, huh? Eye gust dat well dew 4Nao. NeWaiz, well j00 shower Meesa poor Origami.

Light: _If I don't kill her soon, I'll have to hire a translator. And bitch my origami skills rule._ Okay, turn around I can't let anyone see me work.

Misa: K!

**Light takes a piece of the death note and folds it into a crane.**

Light: Here you go.

Misa: Ooh! J00 shored Misa j00r Origami mad Misa a crone!

Ryuk: Howdy! Got any apples?

Misa: Wow! Elfen tho j00 Rum r both Origami j00 r complacent different tripe! Eyeve heared about j00, bust onlee j00r Nam, Reebok. Nite 2 moat j00!

Ryuk: Nite 2 moat j00 2!

Light: _Oh freaking Me they're like two peas in a pod._

Misa: O yar, 1337! Mountain Dew no make Origami cry!

Light: It's kind of you to notice, I am pretty Leet.

Misa: J00 tork funknee. Sew Mountain Dew no make Origami pie or nut?

Light: Do whatever you want with the crane, I don't want to eat it.

**While Misa made Origami pie with Mountain Dew, L was also busy.**

Aizawa: You really aren't going to watch all the footage from Aoyoma are you?

L: Yes, I figure if I string it together the quality is just grainy enough to pass off as a bootleg copy of Cloverfield.

Soichiro: What about apprehending the second Kira? I thought we concluded he had made contact with the first one?

L: This is more important, I have capitalize off the movie's popularity before someone can make a "Meet the Cloverfield Monster" and completely ruin the fad.

Soichiro: I understand.

Aizawa: I thought Ryuzaki was super rich, why does he need bootleg video money?

Matsuda: I heard constant insulin shots are very expensive. Just look at him now, eating that popsicle, the man's clearly a diabetic.

**Light's house.**

Light: Okay so the only way to make a keel out of Salami is to make it strip a dove and a human? That's just disgusting. And impossible.

Ryuk: No Light the only way to kill a Shinigami is to make them fall in love with a human and save that human's life. Jeez for someone so smart you don't understand women at all, no wonder you're gay.

Misa: Dat's white!

Ryuk: Though I can't imagine why anyone would do that.

Light: Not everyone's a heartless bastard like you Ryuk.

Ryuk: Nope just you and me!

Light: Anyway, dare I ask, where have you been sending the videos from?

Ryuk: Well, teh first 1 wuz from ORockemsocka Robots, teh second wuz from Toykeyhole teh thurd wuz from Navajo. Eye fried 2 mack shore dey couldn't pen down a locashun bai using teh Bullshit Train.

Light: I think I got some of that, and you still have tapes with your friends fingerprints on them?

Misa: Rite.

Light: You'd better destroy everything you used, I don't need another headache from your explanations. But we still have to make one more, why does being god mean I have to go through so much torture? "I have decided not to join up with Kira. Thanks to the police for the warning. However even though I won't bother him with my presence I'll still help him purge the world of evil, so suck it bitches. Kira rules. Just to mess with you I'm going to share my power with other cool people who love Kira as much as me. We're going to be the deadliest fanboys the world has ever seen.

Misa: Share teh flower?

Light: Please don't ruin my brilliance by speaking, just go back to silent admiration of your beloved 1337. You can share flowers later. Can you do that for me?

Misa: Eye shur can!

Light: Oh yeah and one more thing, if either of us….no if you get caught, don't be a dipshit and spill the beans about the Death Note or the Shinigami. Without the note they've got nothing on me. Now swear on it!

Misa: Satan's honor! Sew nao we're bf/gf rut?

Light: I suppose.

Misa: Den nao 4Misa's interstate relations! At Mini-me tsundere musk b 1 date a week.

Light: _Ugh, there's no way I'm taking her out if she doesn't shut up._ That's not possible.

Misa: ORLY?

Light: YA RLY! Look maybe you don't understand, L's already on my ass-

Ryuk: You wish!

Light:-and thinks I'm Kira.

Misa: Wow, he's really impoverished, teh pubelick think Elle's no's nofang oar dat he's un idiom.

Light: I won't say why, but just assume my awesomeness has gotten me into direct contact with L.

Misa: Elle and Keyblade r in contack? Both ov j00 r mating.

Ryuk: Oh man, that's so great….mating…**Ryuk cackle.**

Light: That bastard thinks as long as he keeps his name from me he's safe, so when he introduced himself to me he told me he was L. But the only proof he has is there are no other suspects, basically making him a childish douchebag who won't move on.

Ryuk: That's not a statement dripping in irony…

Light: So if I act naturally he'll have no choice but to trust me and we'll investigate together.

Misa: Sew all, j00 guts 2 due iz tape Misa 2 Elle.

Light: That plan makes no sense…it was hard enough for me to get close to him, I don't think he'll let me attach somebody to his physical body….unless it were a 3 legged race…but that still doesn't help me get his name. Furthermore, if you suddenly show up and get all "I want to meet L" in light of recent events, he'll think you're the second Kira, and he'll be on my case even more. Got it memorized?

Misa: Eye tank sew.

Light: So think of how you can see L's face without him knowing you exist, and better yet how I can forget you exist. In fact in order to do just that I think I'll date a ton of girls.

Ryuk: Dating one cover girlfriend or twenty doesn't make you any less gay.

Misa: NO WAI! Iff Eye c dat Eyell kill teh grill!

Ryuk: Stalker!

Light: Now Misa-chan

Ryuk: Didn't you learn anything from the stalker that tried to kill you?

Light: leave the grill out of this, I paid good money for that thing and I want it to last until summer so I can barbeque.

Misa: Eye no bot, Misa luvs j00 moar den MCR.

Light: And I love the grill more than MCR, someday maybe you'll come to understand my feelings for flame broiled meat.

Ryuk: He really likes flaming meat.

Misa: J00ve never Falcon Punched luv at first bite?

Light: No _But that does sound slightly awesome…FALCON PUNCH! Haha! JUST. AS. PLANNED._

Misa: Idz tooth Eye wanted 2 moat j00 out of gratuity symphony as opposable thumbs, but 1337 from teh first timex Eye saw…

Light: _Now she's talking about watches?_

Ryuk: Too bad you aren't into girls, most shonen tease a confession all series, this is only episode 14.

Light: Well if you love me you can obey me right?

Ryuk: You have a warped sense of love.

Misa: But Eye can't forgive j00 iff Eye cu wif another grill. Dat's a deletely different tissue!

Light: Make no mistake there's only one grill for me, no matter what George Foreman tries to convince me to buy. Obey me or die.

Rem: Not so fast Yagami Light. I've heard enough of your inane and senseless banter completely unrelated to what Misa is talking about. I was willing to let that go, however if you kill Misa, I'll kill you.

Light: Is this pretend Light's crazy day? You all can seriously understand her?

Rem: What the hell are you talking about of course we can understand her.

Light: _Perhaps Shinigami know how to speak all languages? That must be it, I'm not going crazy am I? Damn I really want to use that grill now._

Mom: Light? It's 11:30, get that tramp out of my house.

Light: Sorry mom we were busy talking.

Mom: I don't care what you kids call it these days, I know all about it, why when I was your age, I was the most popular "talker" in Tokyo…

Light: Please stop, I don't need the mental scars.

Mom: Nonsense, you kids don't want to think about it but in my day-

**Actually it is Commercial Bump**

_**Death Note Religion's For Dummies.**_

_Despite the fact that in the Death Note universe there is no afterlife that doesn't stop many Death Note characters from worshipping various Deities._

_Light Yagami- Light Yagami worships himself, church consists of staring at himself in the mirror for 4 hours every day. It's like masturbating, only a lot more often and with a lot less oil._

_L- L is Wiccan, taking "an it harm none except Matsuda, do ye what you will" to mean he can consume endless amounts of sweets. _

_Misa Amane- Misa is a confused Satanist who believes that Satanism means wearing Hot Topic, listening to MCR, Simple Plan, and P!atD, acting "goffik" and sleeping in a coffin. She calls true Satanists "Preppy posers"_

_Ryuk- Though closer to the truth than anyone, Ryuk himself does believe in a higher power. He worships a pantheon including Steve Jobs, Wendy the Snapple Lady, Johnny Appleseed, and an empty carton of Apple Cider._

**End commercial bump**

Light: _This totally sucks, I have to rid of Rem before I can get rid of Misa, but if I try to make Rem sacrifice herself to save Misa she'll kill me first. What the Hell? I typed Misa into this search engine as a joke to kill boredom, she's a freaking model. If I weren't totally focused on my goals she'd be like a dream come true._

Ryuk: Your goals of finding a man to grow old with?

Light: _Damn that Ryuk, he's distracting me. I've got to find out how to get L's name first, that is imperative._

**Next Morning.**

Sayu: Are you up already lazy bastard.

Light: Whatever, just don't tell dad about Misa.

Mom: Like I'd talk to him anyway.

Light: In fact don't tell anyone. She's and up and coming model and she's not supposed to date.

Sayu: You know Light the point of a cover girlfriend is to make everyone think you aren't gay, it doesn't work if you don't tell anyone.

**Ryuk cackle.**

**At school.**

Light: _It occurs to me I haven't done anything "epic" yet this episode, well I guess some pen twirls might cover it. One, two, three, one, two, three. Hey this is kind of fun._

"Yagami, Yagami…you said you weren't gay so I asked you to put up or shut up."

Light: Yeah

"And here we are in lectures and you haven't yet done a single heterosexual thing."

Light: That's not true, I was just thinking about going out with you. I'm totally attracted to pretty girls like you."

**Ryuk cackle.**

"Well I guess I could give you a date or two to make sure."

Light: _Great she's probably crazy too, oh well at least she's literate. _Why don't we take it slow, no need to rush.

"That sounds like homo talk to me."

**Mogi is watching. Honestly does anyone not stalk in this series?**

**Later at the investigation headquarters.**

L: Ahh Light, good thing you're here, we just got a videotape from the second Kira.

Light: _**As though reading from a script.**_ What a sur-prise. That was incred-i-bly fast. I was com-pletely un-aware. _I'm not sticking my foot in my mouth this time, I wrote out my response._

L: They say it's the last one, so we should cherish it.

Videotape: **Go reread what Light said earlier.**

L: Having watched this I get the feeling the two Kira's have met.

Light: _Oh come the hell on! _Why do you think that Ryuzaki?

L: Didn't you feel it? I thought you'd get the same impression I did. Hmm I guess I really am more capable than you. It's obvious they met and this video is just what Kira told them to do.

Light: Like hell you are. I'd go as far as to say that the second Kira is an emotionally dependent girl who's in love with Kira, and that Kira plans to use her to get closer to you and kill you just by seeing your face. Top that bitch.

L: Well okay, the chances of you being Kira are less, you'd do something far more clever than this, in fact you'd insist I appear on TV if you were Kira. No this Kira is far less intelligent than I previously thought, I'm disappointed. Also EPIC DONUT LICKING!

Light: Ryuzaki, if I were Kira I wouldn't do that, since I know no matter how much you're threatened you wouldn't appear on TV. You'd have some way to get out of it.

L: Bingo, Motherfucker.

Soichiro: Light this "If I were Kira talk" bothers me, even if it is theoretical.

Light: Suck it up, father, if this asshole's gonna suspect me, I at least want him to do it right, besides the reason I say if I were Kira is because I'm not. That's why there's an "if." I dare you to find a flaw in that logic. I must not be Kira because I don't claim to be.

L: Flawless, Light isn't Kira, it's settled, or rather if he is it's a problem cuz he's my first friend and last time I checked friends don't kill each other.

Light: Yeah they don't. I really like you Ryuzaki, you should come back to college and play tennis with me again.

L: Sure

**On the way home.**

Ryuk: First "talking" now you're calling it "tennis?"

Light: You've got a dirty mind Ryuk.

Ryuk: Well when you sit around for thousands of years with killing people as your only means of entertainment you think of a euphemism for everything.

Misa: 1337! Eye coldent wade n tire weak sew Eye came 2 cu!

Light: _Is Light Yagami gonna hafta smack a bitch?_

Misa: Eye really ranted 2 cu

Light: Sigh, you'd better come to my house.

**Stalker Mogi: **Another girl? Damn Light's a pimp.

**In Light's room.**

Light: Here's the deal Rem, you want Misa to be happy right?

Rem: Yes

Light: Well Misa loves me. Misa is my happiness your happiness?

Misa: Oh My Satan Yes!

Light: Ask Rem to kill L. L doesn't want us to be happy, L wants to tear us apart. If you kill L, I'll promise to love Misa more.

Misa: Rum, Eye want 1337 2luv Misa!

Rem: Sure no skin off my back.

Light: _Holy Shit…that actually worked…just as planned? Err umm I mean of course it worked JUST. AS. PLANNED._

**Author's Note.**

Sorry about being a day late, my mouth still hurt from the wisdom teeth operation yesterday and today they feel…okay they still hurt but I sucked it up cuz the next semester of college starts on Tuesday.

Funny story, I can't swallow pills. I'm physically incapable. So you can imagine that made medicating hard. I had to have them ground up and then drink them with water.

Also I've been wondering which of the commercial bumps you guys liked the best, if any. If there are any you're really partial to I'll try to make more of those.

On to the comments.

Nyx Zephyrus "So, like... me and some of my loser friends are planning on dubbing ourselfs a(nother) DN abridged series when we get around to it, and seeing as how this script of yours has made me LOL numerous times and I'm not so much a writer as a creative siphon of all the talent around me, there's a good chance my script might bear some slight o-so-subtle resemblance to yours. How badly would that bother you:D"

Doesn't bug me at all, just put "some ideas may have been adapted from Jaded Ninja's Abridged series" somewhere.

Aishi Excel "And I haven't even seen the dub (poor, with lack of cable). Do you (ahem) know any places i can just see WTF everyone's voices sound like? I'm scared they'll sux."

Adult Swim usually has them on their website in the videos section.

Phoenix of Hell "Haha, hilarious, as always. Misa's speeches are giving me a headache, but it's fun anyway. And I wish you luck with your wisdom teeth, I know how it is, I also have to remove them, 3 more to go."

Thanks, I bet you're easier to medicate than me though.

Thanks to the rest of you as well, without you I'd just be a pathetic anime fan who keeps writing something no one cares about.


	17. Episode 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Episode the 15th: The Catapult Turtle Flying Castle Gambit.

**Light's room.**

Rem: Hey jackass, I just said I'd kill him and you just stood there staring off into space for a week, you want to do this or not?

Light: Yeah, sorry. It's like I can only perform actions on weekends for some strange reason. Listen I'll think it over tonight and get back to you on how to do it tomorrow.

Rem: You didn't have time to do that when you were browned out?

Light: I was busy thinking of other things, more important things.

Rem: What the hell could be more important than killing your enemy?

Light: Shut up, just give me your number Misa.

Misa: Kay, idz Sebben Sex Floor

Light: On second thought Rem give me Misa's number.

Misa: Wut teh Hail? J00 camp dew dis 2Misa!

Light: Umm well if I have your handwriting it'll be easier for the police to link you to me, or something……trust me when I say I have your safety in mind.

Misa: Oh dere hear has dis. Misa have Xtra fones! J00 can use 1 ov mine!

Light: Now that's what I'm talking about, now I won't have to pay for minutes.

Misa: Sense idz port ov Misa's five, Eye cun sex cool j00 4freeze!

Light: Uhh, no I'm gonna leave it off, since you…uh…didn't give me the charger, that way it'll last larger.

Misa: Misa cun gave j00 a charmer 2!

Light: No…that's…fine. I'll be cool. I'll call you….tomorrow?

Misa: Yaiz! Et dozen sound 2 roman tick butt eff wee cun tall luv aftarwords Eye doesn't blind!

Light: Yeah, you'd better go home now.

Misa: Butt etz only sebben! Dere's stillborn a long goffik nite adead ov us! Eye cun put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on, nd we cun slit our wrists and read a depressing book while we wait for dem to stop bleeding and listen to some GC!

**Epic kiss!**

**Muffled Noises**

Light: _She's actually still trying to talk through my mouth. Guess I was a fool to think this would shut her up._ Now go home.

Misa: k thx bai!

**Misa leaves in a drugged up state.**

Ryuk: That was surprising how did you keep the vomit down?

Light: She's not beastly looking.

Ryuk: Of course not, but you're you know…

Light: Didn't the kiss convince you?

Ryuk: Nah, it picked up a "for appearances only vibe."

Light: You're wrecking my train of thought. If I kill L, the surviving team will only suspect me of being Kira more.

Ryuk: But you guys are friends and friends don't kill each other.

Light: Like how you won't kill me?

Ryuk: Touche

**Light goes off into an illusion.**

Light: _Why the hell am I standing on a rotating octagon above a city? Who builds something like this? When did I die my hair red? Is this what it's gonna be like when I'm god? Dude this is sorta badass…oh so it's a skyscraper… a skyscraper with just enough room on the roof for one person to stand? How does anyone use that skyscraper? Oh shit I'm flying towards another one, and L's on it! Okay seriously maybe one, but who builds two of these things? What a waste of taxpayer money._

**At the investigation center. L is going through some things.**

L: Hair…Crumbs from a snack….more hair…oh Soichiro, if I die Light's Kira….more hair.

Soichiro: How the Hell do you say things so callous Ryuzaki?

Matsuda: That's right, it seems like an arbitrary thing to just blurt out!

L: I'll hook you guys up with Watari.

Soichiro: Ryuzaki, we've put up with a lot of shit from you, but now your going to ignore us too? You've crossed a line.

L: Quit being so pissy, since you guys can't even wipe your asses without me I've got a lot of work to do in case I do die. If the Kira's have met we're all screwed. I'm so wigged out I can't even focus. Nevertheless if I die Light is Kira. _Of course the real reason could be because my doctor is out of town and I can't get any more insulin until next week, but I'm pretty sure I can cope._

**At school the next day. Light is with Takada when he encounters…**

L: Sup Light.

Light: Excuse me Takada.

Takada: Aren't you going to give me an explanation?

Light: What show is this?

Takada: Death Note

Light: And what are you?

Takada: **Dejected.** A woman.

Light: Now go run along and bake us cookies or something, the male characters are talking.

L: It's really hard to believe a woman writes such a chauvinistic manga, isn't it?

Light: Never mind that, why are you here?

L: I just came to tell you that since you're the only one who knows I'm L, if I die soon, not only will you get all A's this semester, but you'll also be Kira. Everyone at Headquarters knows.

Light: _He came just to tell me that, asshole…_

L: So as long as I don't die I can come here and hang out with you. We'll be best friends forever.

Light: Good without you it's like being surrounded by inferior beings.

L: And to illustrate that fact, you hang out with Takada.

Light: I suppose.

**Ryuk cackle.**

Light: _How the hell is he always one step ahead of me. He's got to be using out of character knowledge. _

L: You wanna get some cake?

Light: Sure just don't embarrass me with your fetal position eating.

Misa: 1337! Dere j00 r! Eye has 2 get shot nearby nd Eye thought Eyed stop bai!

Light: _I wish._

Misa: Iz dis 1 ov j00r friends? He's eunuch.

Light: _No wait this is perfect, she can see his name._

Misa: Eyem 1337's grill French Amane Misa, Eyem a Satanist!

L: I'm Orlando Bloom.

Misa: Lando Calrissian?

Light: **Blocks us from seeing L's real name, moron, now Misa can't help you.** He's got the same name as the actor isn't that funny?

Misa: _However, the moniker which one Mr. Bloom has given unto me is not the same as the name which I with my Shinigami empowered eyesight have just read. Therefore, since my eyesight's express purpose is to discern the true name of a person for the purpose of killing them I have no choice but to conclude this person has been lying to both the love of my life, Light Yagami, and to me, Misa Amane. Furthermore, since the name that I have read is "L Lawliet" I must conclude that this person is in fact the detective L, the person who wants to catch Kira, my boyfriend. How would I have ever guessed that L was actually the given name of the detective L? It was a most brilliant scheme, hiding in plain sight all along. Bravo, L Lawliet, it was a most masterful scheme however I have bested you with my Shinigami sight. Rest in piece, worthy adversary._

Light: _Suck it Orlando, I win! You'll wish you stayed back in your LCave! What, what the hell is he laughing about? Does he know? He knows everything else…then why is he laughing, if he thinks she's the second Kira, then he knows I've won._

L: Yagami-kun, I'm wicked jealous. I'm a big fan of Misa's.

Misa: Yaiz! J00 R? Eyem sew hoppy!

**Misa gets mobbed with fans.**

Light: _He can understand her too?_

Misa: Know! Sumbuddy touched me inappropriately! Misa needs an adull!

L: Unthinkable! Who would take advantage of this lovely young woman, I shall find out who did it for you!

Misa: J00z sew funny Lando!

Light: _That pervert it was probably him. Enjoy the feel of Misa's backside while you can Orlando, soon you perish. JUST. AS. PLANNED._

Manager: Here you are you little bitch, we have pictures to take.

Misa: Eyez sry, Loli!

Manger: Let's go.

Light: _Crap, now I gotta call her up. Plus she'll probably say something I won't understand. Maybe I should just tell her to do it._

Misa: Bai 1337! C U afer work!

L: Well before we were interrupted I believe we were getting cake.

Light: Yeah, I'll be a minute I gotta use the bathroom.

L: Gotta take care of your urges eh? Oh well more cake for me.

Light: **Epic Phone Dialing!** _This is it, it's been fun L, but you're gonna die…Just. As. Planned._

**Commercial Bump.**

_**How to understand Misa speech for Dummies.**_

_Shinigami- Origami, Salami, Tamagatchi, Tachikoma._

_Orlando Bloom- Lando Calrissian, Orlando Broom, Orton Pose_

_Light Yagami- Zuki Yaygaymee, 1337, Leet, Right-O, Rite Aid._

_Satan- Satin, Sultan, Spray-on tan, Sandman_

**End Commercial bump.**

**Light has just called Misa's phone and when he turns around he sees….L HAS THE PHONE OMG! He really was the one who touched Misa's butt! That crafty bastard.**

L: Say it.

Light: No

L: Say it.

Light: Sigh…I'm your be-yotch, now give me the phone, I'll return it to Misa.

L: Damn straight, here you go.

Light: _The reason I was willing to concede that is because unbeknownst to you Misa has another phone!_

**Another cell phone in L's pocket rings, could he…?**

L: Oh that would be my phone. Hello? Is that right? We've done it then. I got good news and bad news. The good news is we've apprehended Misa Amane on suspicion of being the second Kira.

Light: Shouldn't it be, the good news is we've got the second Kira, the bad news is it's your girlfriend?

L: No, the bad news is now we have to spend the rest of the day interrogating her so we can't go get cake.

Light: Of course…._Not as Planned! Not as planned! This isn't good._

L: We found her hair and clothing on the packages that the video tapes were in. Since we don't want to cause mass hysteria, we're just gonna say she's being questioned about trying to burn down churches, she is a Satanist after all.

Light: _I'm back in this weird city again. Am I going to meet the spirit of my Death Note and he'll teach me how to achieve bankai? Oh shit I'm falling. I'm gonna die, is that L smirking at me falling? Oh hell no. _**Stops falling.**_ I'm not gonna go down with him watching on in glee. This isn't over yet._

**Later at Misa interrogation.**

L: Has she cracked yet?

Watari: No

L: Give me a visual.

**Misa is tied up with her eyes covered.**

Soichiro: What the hell is this Ryuzaki? I thought you said we were gonna play good cop, bad cop?

L: We can't risk it, she can kill just by looking at us.

Soichiro: Then how are we going to get a confession?

L: I'm trying to get Jack McCoy. Watari has he called us back yet?

Watari: No he's busy.

L: OH Prime Mover, can't we get anything done around here…fine torture her, I don't give a shit anymore, just get her to confess…bloody freaking hell…

Soichiro: Uhh…L

L: No, No, I'm mad, go get me Light, I'm gonna interrogate him too. To hell with all this, I gave up cake today!

**Three days later.**

Watari: She's saying something!

L: Finally

Misa: Pleeze, keel Misa. Krill Misa, hurry up and kite Misa!

L: Misa can you hear me?

Misa: Yep, cun j00 kilt Misa?

L: Do you admit to being the second Kira.

Misa: Eye dozen no neting abut teh second Keera. Eye cunt take dis anymore, dis is nofang liek cutting, dis iz too goffik 4 Misa. Keel me, Eye no j00 cun in an instant if j00 wanted 2 (and Rum dis is j00!)

Rem: Misa you can't mean…

Misa: Dat's Light, keel me.

Rem: You want me to kill you?

Misa: Unholy Satan, that's whut Eyem telling j00 don't j00 understand?

Rem: Then I'm killing Light too.

Misa: Know!

Rem: _Crazy bitch, she's gonna die for Light?_

Misa: Iff j00 won't kite Misa, Eyell stork being goffik and mutilate myself!

L: Watari don't let her bite her tongue! Is Kira manipulating her?

**At Light's house.**

Ryuk: Yo Rem, sup? Wanna go on an apple run?

Rem: Light, Misa's in trouble and won't tell them anything, she wanted me to kill her but I can't, there's only one way to save her.

Light: What?

Rem: Forfeiting the Death Note, dumbass. She'll forget everything.

**A few hours earlier.**

Rem: Misa if you want to forfeit ownership of your Death Note so that you'll forget anything, please say nothing.

Misa: **Muffled noises.**

Rem: Anything at all and I won't do it.

**Muffled noises.**

Rem: You're really fine with it?

**Muffled noises.**

Rem: Okay I'm going now, when I leave the room you'll forget.

**Louder muffled noises.**

**Back at Light's house.**

Rem: Misa is no longer the owner of a Death Note

Light: Sweet deal. I was just thinking that was our only option.

Ryuk: Liar

Rem: Now here's the catch, if you don't save Misa I'll kill you.

Light: I had really hoped we were past this. Very well, I have backup plan for just such an occasion. It's really long winded but I assure you it's very good, now let me explain my plan to you all in full detail. First-

**Author's Note:** What's Light's plan? Oh man I wonder if we'll ever know. Will it work?

I'm back in college again, they started me off with a couple papers already, I'll try to keep updating, but I can't make guarantees as the semester wears on.

For those of you keeping up with Naruto, in the latest chapter Itachi's starting to pull a Light. Calm and collected for the whole series then batshit insane at the end. I saw a picture comparing his face when he starts acting crazy to the montage of Light screaming in the second OP, it was pretty funny. I hope it's not the end for him I really like his character.

Also who's heard about the Meteor that's supposed to hit and kill us all Tuesday? It's just like this game I played once…what was it called? With the guy with spiky blonde hair and the stacked martial artist fighting against a bishie momma's boy? LOL internet rumors. I'll tell you guys what, if the Meteor hits and kills us all I'll write nothing but Xrated Yaoi with this account.

Agh! I've got no apples for Death Note this week! Depression. I'll just have to take some chips…AND EAT THEM!

It's coming on now so I'm done just in time!

Read and review my homies you only have three days left to do so.


	18. Episode 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Episode the 16th: Derision

**Light stands in the woods with Rem and Ryuk and hands Rem Misa's Death Note.**

Light: Happy Birthday, here's your present.

Rem: You aren't supposed to regift something to the person who gave it to you, dumbass.

**There is a brief stare down and then a cut to Misa forgetting about the Death Note.**

Misa: Mr. Storker? Would j00 please let Misa go?

Soichiro: What the hell? Stalker? Why did she suddenly say that?

**Back to Light. Rem takes the Note and flies away.**

Light: _A regift is better than nothing. It's the thought that counts, you ingrate. None of this would have happened in the first place if you hadn't given that Misa._

Ryuk: Hey Light you aren't going to give me my Death Note back for my birthday are you?

Light: Don't be silly Ryuk. I buried in the ground.

Ryuk: Oh so it's going to be a scavenger hunt for my birthday that ends in disappointment when I find the Note instead of apples?

Light: Precisely.

Ryuk: You really suck.

**Let's go check on Misa, she's a bit TIED UP! LOL U C WUT I DID THAR? Sorry that was lame.**

Misa: Dis iz a crime, Mr. Stockcar. Lemme go already.

Aizawa: First she won't talk, but now she's talked so much she's passed out from oxygen deprivation.

Matsuda: Jeez, how did Light ever deal with her.

Misa: Then can j00 at leaf get rid ov dis blinder? Eyem shure j00 aren't too ugly.

L: Matsuda call Mogi

Matsuda: You know if you would just change services you could put Mogi in your fave five and call him yourself.

L: Maybe the lack of shockings the last few episodes have made you insolent.

Matsuda: Fine here.

L: Mogi, did you properly Mirandize her? Is she aware that anything she says can and will be used against her?

Mogi: Yes, I blindfolded her and told her she was under arrest and the whole spiel, just like you told me.

Misa: Eyell give j00 Misa's autograph, Eyell shake j00r hand…Eyell give j00 a cuss on teh cheek. C'mon! Whut else do j00 want from Misa?

L: _If she knows she has the right to remain silent, why the hell won't she shut up?_

Voice box: Amane Misa,

Misa: Ooh! R we at McDonald's Socker? If we r den Misa can has Arch Deluxe?

Voice box: No we aren't at McDonald's, and furthermore they discontinued the Arch Deluxe a long time ago. How could you not know that?

Misa: It has? Misa wooden know, Misa's been on a diet 4yeers. But Misa figures, sense j00 kidnap Misa, den Misa's manager won't fund out if Misa cheats. Den Misa can has Big Mac, tey dudn't discontinue dat did dey?

Voice box: No, they still have it hold on I'll get it for you…WE AREN'T AT MCDONALD'S! Do you even know why you're here?

Misa: Cuz j00 has teh crush0rz on Misa. Butt dis is teh wrong way 2 go about it.

Matsuda: Hey you dumb bitch, do you have the attention span of a goldfish or something, quit messing arou-TSAAAAA!

L: I tried not shocking you, but you've left me no choice.

Misa: Misa iz scarred! Y iz Shocker yelling at Misa? Lemme go! Eye has 2 bathroom

Voice box: I told you to go before we tied you up.

Misa: Misa tried but Misa couldn't, Misa has 2 go now! Come on, dis iz Just spam, j00 guyz r into watching dat kinda ting!

L: But…I'm British. Anyway let's get back to what we were talking about before, how do you know Yagami Light?

Misa: Y wooden Eye know Misa own boyfriend?

L: _She must really be delusional if she thinks Light would be interested in a girlfriend._

**Phone rings.**

L: It's from Light…hello? Yes, yes we all know you aren't gay. Keep telling yourself that. Oh some now you want to come to headquarters? Well sure you can come over; it's only your job.

**Light comes in.**

Light: Ryuzaki, I said I wasn't on the phone, but I might be gay.

Soichiro **grabs Light and frantically says:** That's Impossible! What are you saying? Light, what's going on? Huh?

L: _There's no proof that Light is gay, but saying "I might be gay" it's an act. It's not "I might be gay." You ARE gay. What are you trying to do?_

Light: If Ryuzaki is L and L is the greatest detective in the world and he says I'm gay then I must be gay.

Soichiro: What are you saying Light?

Light: The last name inversion, the obvious cover up girlfriend, the fact that I have fewer fangirls than my best friend and even Matsuda; if I were L I would deduce that I'm gay. This means that I'm not aware of it and might still be gay.

Aizawa: Umm guys, it's cool he's having this life changing discovery and all, but isn't he supposed to be under suspicion of being Kira?

Soichiro: Light.

L: _Clever, not aware huh?_

Light: I don't even know myself anymore. Even if I'm not aware of it, while I'm sleeping, the gay me could be downloading Yaoi pictures.

L: That's not the case.

Light: What do you mean Ryuzaki?

L: There was a time when I put surveillance cameras in your house for five days.

Light: Cameras?

L: Yes, Light you did not download Yaoi or Shonen-ai. Therefore we did not conclude that you weren't gay, but that you simply weren't giving it away under surveillance.

Aizawa: Wasn't that to determine if he was Kira or not?

Light: Won't give away that I'm gay huh? That might be the case. Honestly I've thought that some men look pretty good, anyone with thoughts like this could be gay.

Matsuda: Light! Even I sometimes think that some guys look attractive, but that doesn't mean that I would go out and date them right.

Aizawa: Oh not you too Matsuda, actually no wait that doesn't surprise me.

Light: _So you saw all of this coming Yagami Light. You're trying to play off the Kira case with this revelation about your sexuality. Unfortunately for you Aizawa's afro gives him super perceiving abilities and has alerted me to this. However I now see the ability to kill two birds with one stone._ Okay, bind his hands and feet and take him to solitary.

Soichiro: What?

Matsuda: Confining Light?

Light: I see no other option, Light needs time to figure out if he's gay or not, so I'm giving it to him.

Soichiro: Impossible there's no way my son is gay! There's no way my son would…

Light: It's okay father.

Soichiro: Light!

Light: I don't want to go through life all the time wondering if I'm gay or not. But until I conclude that I'm gay or not, don't let me go, no matter what I say!

L: I understand, Soichiro, come up with a reason Light is absent from home.

Soichiro: I don't understand why Light has to do this!

Light: You're being repetitive father, if it's not like this I won't be satisfied.

Soichiro: Are you serious Light?

Light: Yes, by taking away my freedom, I'll win against the fear of being gay.

**Commerical Bump**

_**Meesa Speek 4 Dummease!**_

_5) Stalker- Storker, Socker, Soccer, Stockcar_

_6) Ryuk- Ryu, Rice Juice, Bayou, Kaio_

_7) Jaded Ninja- Quatre Raberba Winner, Jagermeister, Faded Glory, No Talent Plagiarizer_

_8) L- Elle, Hell, R, LoL_

**End Commercial bump.**

**First day of confinement**

Light: _Hour 5: in order to stave off the boredom I have named my pillow Roger._

Ryuk: If you're planning on going crazy you could at least talk to me.

Soichiro: Ryuzaki I don't want to ride this crazy train anymore. My son suspects that he is being gay and is so confused he has to be locked up in order to find the answer within himself. I have failed as a father. Even now I tried to stop the confinement but then I realized, Light needs to do this to be at piece with himself.

L: Yeah, you suck hardcore.

Soichiro: And if my son happens to be gay, I don't know what I'll do.

L: Yeah you might try to kill him and yourself, consider yourself off the team.

Soichiro: Confine me too. I may be calm now, but there's no telling what I might do.

L: It's all ready for you, I even simulated the piss smell for you.

Soichiro: Thank you Ryuzaki.

**Day Three.**

Misa: Mr. Soccer, Misa wants a bath. Bring Misa a change of close plz?

Light: Hey L, can I have a new pillow, Roger's being a real A-hole.

L: That's the fourth one I've given you, stop naming them and start focusing on whether you're gay or not.

Light: It's not my fault if all the pillows you give me are jerks.

L: Shut the Hell up, queer.

Light: I see the conclusion I'm gay must be near.

Ryuk: Why do you name them all Roger?

L: _What's going on, in addition to Light getting even crazier people have stopped dying. I would have thought Light's plan was to be confined and while he's soul searching for us to realize he can't be Kira, but the way things are going it's pretty obvious he is._

**Day Five.**

Ryuk: Light, you're really pissing me off, just relinquish the friggin Death Note already, I want some damn apples.

Light: Shut up Roger, I'm trying to find out if I'm gay or not.

Misa: Save me Stan! Save Misa!

Soichiro: **Stares off into space.**

L: Damn these are some boring channels, I'd rather watch CNN.

Matsuda: Don't say that! Nothing is worth that torture!

Aizawa: Yeah that's a frightening sentiment.

L: Yagami-san

Soichiro: WHAT! Do you have good news? Is Light straight?

L: Like a circle. You're boring the shit out of me can't you go crazy and talk to walls or something? The whole comatose staring off into space thing is starting to piss me off.

Soichiro: Impossible! I refuse to degrade myself in that fashion for your amusement, you will never find a Japanese man who would do that!

L: Game Show

Soichiro: Touché.

**Day 7**

L: Hey Light, it's been a week are you gay yet?

Light: _I can't deal with Roger's complaining anymore I've got to shut him up._ Yeah, I'm not talking to Roger anymore, he left.

Ryuk: Huh? Roger's me right? Actually don't answer that, I'm outta here. Enjoy your amnesia. **Ryuk leaves. **See ya in 8 episodes, ya fag.

Light: _Why am I here?_ Ryuzaki, I realize I asked to be confined here, but it's useless. Because I'm not gay! Hurry up and let me out.

L: No, you're obviously in denial, I can't let you out yet.

Light: But there was something wrong with me then, I…I was feeling weak because Heath Ledger died and a bunch of my friends and I got together and watched his movies. Sure it started out fine with a Knight's Tale, but Brokeback Mountain struck something inside of me, and now I realize I was just mourning his passing! I don't have any gay subconscious! I'm not gay!

L: I also think there's no way you can be gay and not be aware of it. But if you are gay then everything falls into place.

Light: Listen to me Ryuzaki! I'm not lying! I'm not gay!

L: _What's happening Yagami Light? You aren't making any sense but it feels closer to the truth._

Light: Let me out! It's a waste of time.

L: No I can't let you out.

Light: Why is this happening?

Aizawa: Seriously guys are we just dropping the whole Kira investigation thing? I mean we got him, no one's died since he went in there.

Matsuda: Holy crap you're right, I'd completely forgotten about that, why didn't you say anything sooner?

Aizawa: I've been saying it for the last week, but you were too busy questioning everyone's sexuality.

**Day 15**

Matsuda: What's happening? All the criminals are dying again?

Aizawa: I heard you the first 4 times. Jeez I regret telling you this wasn't about Light being gay.

Matsuda: I'm telling the chief! **Grabs microphone. **Chief! Kira is killing again!

Soichiro: Was that why I was here? Wasn't it about Light being gay? Oh screw it, I want to shave. Let me out.

Matsuda: Hold on let's tell Light he can't possibly be Kira!

L: Idiot we can't let Light know we know this isn't about him being gay. **Into Microphone. **Light it's been two weeks, why don't you just admit you're gay?

Light: I'm not gay! Look into my eyes! Are these the eyes of a liar?

L: _That's a pretty fruity request._

**Author's note. ** Another episode done. This was by far the easiest one to do since half of it was just changing "Kira" to "gay."

Part One of Light's unnecessarily circuitous plan to get the Death Note back is now complete. Who's killing criminals now that Light doesn't have a Death Note? Will L ever let them out? Will Light admit that he really is gay? Will good Light be as much of an annoying self-righteous prick as evil Light? Who knows?

Also Death Note is getting moved…again. It's going to 12:30 next week because of [as's crap anime only ratings. We get Harvey Birdman, Venture Bros and

Frisky Dingo. I'm sad their dropping FMA and Sam Cham and I was just getting into Big O (I'm wicked behind the curve on that one), but oh well. As long as this doesn't effect them airing Code Geass once Blood plus ends.

In other Code Geass news the role of Jerimiah "Orange-kun" Gottwald will be played by Crispin Freeman! Best anime news since the announcement of Death Note coming to [as. Now if only Crispin would voice Mikami….and get out of my room.

Past Reviews:

Golden Vixen: Can you put a transulator at the bottom? I just can't understand that 's language(sp?)!

I looked at My Immortal and apparently I'm misspelling far more words than Miss Gilesbie did, so I'm going to scale it back a bit. I won't to a translation since the majority of her lines are just butchered straight from the sub.

Stygian Styx: great chapter! Oh, and I think the game your thinking of is Final Fantasy VII.

I know that I was being facetious; FF7's my favorite game of all time. But anyway we're all still here so the Meteor threat was false. Good news for me, bad news for my readers who are Yaoi fans.

The Eye of the Crow: You've got some brilliant ideas here, especially in first five chapters or so, but there are hilarious moments later on too, of course (like OMG Orlando Bloom, tkat almost made me fall from my chair). And of course Light-is-gay jokes never get old . It's refreshing to find such a witty parody of Death Note, there are not much of them around.  
My favorite quote is "Arson helps me think". It's just so wonderfully random, I love it

Good to know my readership extends far into eastern Europe, perhaps you can try to make my series the national fanfic of your native Crotobaltoslavia, lol.

Ukira: Your Abridged Series is hilarious, and how can you even type what Misa says without getting a headache?

Cuz I just hit random keys when I'm writing her lines, you know like how the Welsh spell words.

And Finally

Panther X

Thank you for the quotes making me aware of Shippuden the Abridged Series. I rather like it as well, even though they portray my favorite Naruto character as flamboyant.

If you've made it this far you are either hardcore JN fans or just click on whatever's on the top page of Either way I salute you.


	19. Episode 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Episode the 17****th**: Edgecution

**We start in a vastly less epic room than Light's with a vastly less epic man writing names in a notebook in a vastly less epic fashion, yes my friends, I'm afraid it's time for the third lowest point in Death Note, sigh, the Yotsuba Arc.**

Rem: You may not be as bright as Light or as attractive as Misa, but at least you don't talk back to me. Maybe I'll finally get to become a respectable character. And you, you get to become the primary antagonist, this is a good deal for both of us isn't it?

**50****th**** day of confinement, wait 50? Holy freaking shit.**

L: Soichiro, seriously it's been 50 days, you can come out now.

Soichiro: No, I know my son isn't gay, and I'm not leaving until he also realizes it. When I leave it will be with my son.

L: Light are you gay yet?

Light: No, I'm not. And I don't think that me sitting here any longer is going to change tha-

L: It's not going to change because you are gay.

Light: No I'm not gay, how many times do I have to tell you that?

L: _Damn he's very committed to both these charades. He hasn't realized that he is gay and that I know this is really about him being Kira._

Aizawa: Ryuzaki's terrible he hasn't told Light that we know what this was really all about yet.

L: Misa, why so depressed?

Misa: I've been locked up and can't move or see for 50 days, what the hell makes you think I'm alright?

L: Wow you sound barely coherent, something really is wrong with you.

Misa: I can't even form a basic sentence, that's how tired I am.

Matsuda: I think all three of them are at the limit.

Aizawa: Look I'm pissed Light tried to deceive us with the whole gay thing too, but enough's enough. We need to let them go.

L: No, we can't give up yet.

Aizawa: Ryuzaki, your stubbornness and refusal to admit you're wrong is going too far. We run the risk of making gay jokes too cliché and we've got some serious yaoi bait coming up.

L: You really think so?

Aizawa: Yes, I promise you the rest of this arc is basically one big gay joke waiting to happen.

L: All right then, they're probably crazy enough for us to have some fun now anyway.

L: Soichiro, I've come to a conclusion regarding your son's gayness. I want you to hear it first.

Soichiro: I've got it.

**Epic Talking Montage! **

**Three days later. Misa and Soichiro are in a car.**

Misa: Tank j00 4 feeding Misa, Mr. Sotrker. Misa thuts r much eazyer 2 put into werdz now!

Soichiro: I'm not a stalker I'm a police officer.

Misa: OIC! Eye remember somefang about teh second Keerah or somefang. J00 wur sirius? Reeley? Cops wuldn't tai some1 up so maniac-leik. Itz strange j00 say j00r letting Misa goo, but j00 still has Misa tied up.

Soichiro: Shut the hell up.

**They drive into a parking garage where Light is waiting with Aizawa.**

Misa: 1337! Eyem sew glud 2 c j00!

Light: Oh god no, anything but her! Put me back in! Put me back in!

Misa: Donut worry, hez not my storker, he's a poleesh man!

Light: My father isn't Polish.

**Soichiro walks past them and opens another car:** Get in.

Light: Well I'm glad this whole thing about me being gay is over with.

Soichiro: No, we're about to take you to…Ex-Gay Camp.

Light and Misa: **Gasp!**

Soichiro: I volunteered to drive you both to the secret underground Ex-Gay Camp myself.

Light: Ex-Gay Camp? What are you saying father?

Misa: Y Misa? Eye wuntz 2 has teh sex0rz wit 1337!

Soichiro: L has concluded Light is gay, since Misa was unable to make Light straight, she must therefore be a Lesbian, and if he take you both to an Ex-Gay camp your homosexuality will cease.

Light: But as a Wiccan isn't L supposed to let it go as long as I'm not harming anyone?

Soichiro: Haven't you listened to Jerry Falwell? Your kind is assaulting our basic moral values.

Light: And by practicing witchcraft L isn't?

Soichiro: This goes much deeper than that. Witchcraft is what holds this world together. The government, the UN all of it. Think about it, anytime someone goes against the Wiccans they get stopped. Macbeth? Dead. The STN-J's Factory? Collapsed. Scooby Doo and the gang? Dismissed as pot heads.

Light: I don't understand then what does me being gay have to do with any of that?

Misa: Misa iz a Satinist! Dat's sorta liek witchcraft! Donut talk Misa 2 Gay sex camp!

Soichiro: L's solved countless cases in the past, do you know how he did it? Ouija Boards, Tarot Cards, and Monopoly, the Parker Brother's Unholy Triple Alliance. He has divined it to be true that you are gay.

Light: You're going to believe L over me?

Soichiro: I was skeptical too, then L summoned our god's spirit in a séance and it told me it was true.

Light: You don't mean?

Soichiro: Yes, Hello Kitty.

**Soichiro swerves off the road and stops the car under a bridge.**

Light: Where is this? There's no one around. Where's the camp?

Misa: R j00 going 2 lettuce go?

Soichiro: This is the ex-gay camp, Light I'm going to kill you and then myself.

Light: What are you saying father? Impossible!

Misa: Whut r j00 talking about! Y wuld j00 keel us? Shouldn't teh camp cure us?

Soichiro: There is no cure! You should know you can't change someone's sexual orientation.

Light: Then why can't you accept me for what I am, if I can't change it?

**Soichiro pulls gun out.**

Soichiro: You have brought dishonor to this family. I will kill you by my hand.

Light: Stop it Father! I'm not gay!

Soichiro: Amane, my son and I will die here but if I kill you you'll just get what you want when you arrive in Hell. The police will come to this car soon. Go to the Ex-Gay camp. Light, I'll see you in Hell.

Light: Father!

Misa: Stttttttttttttttepppppppppppppppenwolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllffffffffffffffffffffff!

**Commercial Bump**

_**People who cannot be killed via Death Note, Vol. 2**_

_1) Suzaku Kururugi- Falls into direct conflict with Geassed "Live" command._

_2) Major Motoko Kusanagi- Her face is factory made and not unique._

_3) Batman- 40 seconds is more than enough planning time_

_4) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Epilogue- Though I wish it was._

**End Commercial Bump**

**Soichiro Fires the gun and Light is still alive.**

Light: A Blank?

Soichiro: You've been punked.

Light: Punked? What are you doing father?

Soichiro: I apologize to both of you, this was all a prank set up by Ryuzaki. I was only able to do this because I really didn't think that you were gay. There's a camera above the rear view.

L: That was an impressive act Soichiro, I'm glad I was able to get some entertainment out of this whole thing. I suspect you must be angry at me Light, but consider this payback for your gayness detracting from our Kira hunting for two months. I still can't totally discount that you're Kira, but I'm sick of confining you. Misa, since we have the videos that prove you're the second Kira we're just going to but you under surveillance for now.

Misa: J00r still suspicious?

Soichiro: At least you can go back to your daily life. Think of it as police protection.

Misa: Oooh! Eyem gedding bootygords!

L: As for Light, you will be with me 24 hours a day, working on the case to make sure you don't pull shit like this again.

Light: I've got it Ryuzaki, let's catch Kira.

**Later.**

Light: Is this really necessary, Ryuzaki?

L: Oh shut up you probably love it.

Misa: Hey, Eye wantz 2 be hamstuffed to 1337! Maybe Rudepockey iz teh gauy 1.

L: It's supposed to surveillance, not torture.

Misa: Butt whut about whun Misa goes on a rape with 1337?

L: I'll be here to make sure he doesn't back out of it.

Misa: But whut iff Misa wants to kiss 1337 stuff?

L: I'm not telling you to do it, but if you do I'm going to watch.

Misa: j00z a pervert!

L: Light please make your woman quiet.

Light: Misa do the world a favor and shut the hell up for five minutes.

Misa: J00 2 1337? Butt Eyem j00r girlfriend, don't j00 truss me?

Light: You're the aggressive one.

Misa: Sew j00 kissed me stuff jus cuz Eye sed Eye liek j00? J00 took advantage of Misa? **Misa pounds on his chest and screams Idiot.**

L: I don't know how I ever had fun without them. So Misa you met Light on the 22 in Aoyoma, why did you go and what were you wearing?

Misa: Eye wunt cuz Eye felt like it! Eye don't remember why.

L: And when you came back you knew Light's name but you don't remember why?

Misa: Yes.

L: And he takes advantage of you and treats you like crap and you don't even know why or how you met him and none of that sounds the least bit suspicious to you?

Misa: Nope! **Hugs Light and rubs her face on his arm. **We were mint 2B! **Babbles on**

Light: _Now that he mentions it why and how did I start dating her?_

L: What are you a dog? You honestly have no sense of self worth do you?

Misa: Nop! Misa luvz 1337!

Light: _This is just kinda creepy._

L: In any case I'm now not only putting you under surveillance for being the second Kira, I'm also doing it to protect Light from being sexually assaulted. You have to let us know where you're going and what you're doing at all times. But hey it's not all bad, I've arranged for a playmate on your intelligence level for you.

**Matsuda waves.**

L: Yes keep on waving…dipshit…

Misa: Eye don't want dis gay as my manger.

Matsuda: That's not nice Misa-Misa.

**Afro can't take it any more, EPIC PALM SLAMMING ON TABLE WITH MULTIPLE CAMERA ANGLES.**

Aizawa: BLOODY FREAKING DAMMIT SHUT THE FUCK UP! EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH I WANT TO PUNCH A BABY! LIGHT-KUN, LIGHT-KUN, MISA LOVE LIGHT-KUN! IT'S OKAY THAT LIGHT-KUN HIT ME, IT'S OK LIGHT-KUN YELLED AT ME, MISA DESERVED IT, LIGHT-KUN LOVES MISA SO IT'S OK! LISTEN TO WHAT YOU'RE FREAKING SAYING!

Matsuda: Calm down.

Aizawa: Sorry, it just builds up and then I explode like that sometimes, now Misa, go to your room.

Misa: Whut?

Aizawa: Not what, get in the freaking room.

Misa:** Being shoved out the door. **C U TOMMOROW 1337! EYE LUV J00!

L: Light are you serious with Misa?

Light: No like I said she's very aggressive.

L: Queer. Anyway she's obviously connected to the second Kira, so just pretend and figure out what it is.

Light: Are you telling me to use her to achieve a goal?

L: Yeah, I figured it wasn't that much of a stretch for you.

Light: Ryuzaki I can't toy with a woman's feelings. I don't manipulate and lie like that. That's the most despicable thing possible.

L: _Please tell me he's aware of the irony that everything he says carries._

Light: It would be funny if I were like that wouldn't it Ryuzaki?

L: Yeah it would be, so you'll investigate her?

Light: Of course. What kind of amoral manipulative bastard would I be if I weren't already doing that?

L: Hahaha. Nice. Check this shit out. I've got a whole freaking skyscraper set up for the investigation. It'll be finished in a couple days.

Light: Wait a minute, how did you manage to build a skyscraper in the middle of Japan this fast?

Matsuda: Are you some kind of superhero?

L: I have the best superpower of all…money.

Aizawa: So what is it going to be called?

Light: How about "The Light Tower."

L: Okay but I think it needs a minor tweak. "The Light Yagami is Definitely Compensating for Something With This Building Tower."

Aizawa: How about "Soichiro, Ryuzaki, Mogi, Light, and Aizawa's Super Badass Kira Catching Tower?"

Matsuda: What about my name?

Aizawa: All in Favor?

Mogi, Aizawa, Soichiro, Light, and L: Yay!

Aizawa: All opposed?

Matsuda: Nay

Aizawa: It's unanimous!

**At Yotsuba head quarters.**

Yotsuba 1: Let us commence our annual meeting. I'm sorry we couldn't afford astral projection like Akatsuki or even magic tea like the Espada, but fear our mighty Octagonal Table!

Yotsuba 2: I still think Nonagon's are the shit.

Yotsuba 3: Okay Takahashi, then you be in charge of recruiting the ninth member.

Yotsuba 4: Come on guys settle down, don't forget why we're here, we have to keep the writer's from making the tentative deal to end the strike a permanent one. I have big investments in reality TV shows.

Yotsuba 2: But I want to want scripted sitcoms again, Higuchi!

Yotsuba 4: We all want to watch sitcoms again, but we have to satisfy our wallets before our hearts.

Yotsuba 5: I thought we were here because we didn't want Hilary to be President? Come on guys, no one cares about that? This is Death Note, she's a woman….no? No one's bothered by this….guys?

Yotsuba 6: Don't forget gentlemen, and fans at home that one of us is KIRA!

**Author's note: **Ladies and gentlemen can you guess which one is Kira? Let the games begin!

In case you are wondering the 2nd and 1st lowest points in Death Note are Near winning and L dying.

In other news I've been told I look like Ulquiorra Schiffer from Bleach. Now I just need to paint some green emo lines on my face, wear half a helmet, and chain smoke until they cut my throat open.

Reviews:

Ice Crome: Simpson!Reference with the Matsuda-Tazer thing. Cheif Wiggum and Sideshow Bob. If I'm wrong, then crap.

And what's that 'soil myself and then regroup' thing from? Family Guy?

Another funny chapter. I shall continue to strive.

I'm not sure where soil myself is from, it feels like a Captain Jack Sparrow line to me, but I'm pretty sure it's not from Family Guy since I don't watch it often. If anyone knows where that's from I'd appreciate it, that I would.

Vive ut Vivas "Wow, I can't wait to hear what you come up with when they're chained together o0; and replacing Kira with gay? Genius. Insanity. Pick one." 

I choose Gensanity

"Anyways, I wanna ask how you come up with all these ideas and stuff. I've always wanted to do 1 nice, funny fanfic but I never have any ideas. Help!" 

Watch a lot of anime, wrestling, and movies, frequent message boards, and then just write down whatever comes to mind when you see what you're about to write. Very little of these jokes are planned in advance.

Read and review.


	20. Episode 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**The Arc Without Logos**

_Kill 'em with cool penstrokes,_

_Being God is your fantasy,_

_Tell Light who L is and his name,_

_Ryuzaki will be stunned, Light is waiting,_

_Misa dresses like she's a Gothic Hoe, and I don't care,_

_Just say "just as planned"_

_The plot's quality's gone down, down, wish Yotsuba's just an illusion,_

_Take me back; take me back to Light's revolution,_

_Down, Down, won't ya make this arc an illusion,_

_Take me back to the first arc, and I'll look for L vs. Light to return_

_Scooby Dooby Doo, Scooby Dooby Doo, and Scrappy too!_

_Scooby Dooby Doo, Scooby Dooby Doo, and Scrappy too!_

**Episode the 18****th**Hail Glorious Soviet Socialist Republic My Comrade!

**A car pulls up to L's new Kira investigation building and our favorite afro-haired cop goes through the process to get inside.**

Computer: Access denied.

Aizawa: Oops forgot my belt **Removes belt**

Computer: Access denied.

Aizawa: Oh come on, what else?

Watari: Your hair could be concealing some sort of weapon. I can't let you in.

Aizawa: **Rips off pants. **How bout now?

**Aizawa walks in pantsless.**

Aizawa: Sup guys.

Soichiro: Why aren't you wearing your pants?

Aizawa: What can't a man walk around in his underwear in his own home?

Soichiro: I guess you're right, I just thought you were bribing that old pervert Watari to let you in again.

Matsuda: If that's true then why am I wearing these cumbersome things?

Aizawa: I don't wanna see your scrawny ass chicken legs Matsuda; you keep your pants on. Where's Ryuzaki?

Matsuda: He's crashing Light and Misa's date. **Video screen shows Light and Misa sitting bored as L contents himself by eating sweets.**

Aizawa: It looks like he's the only one having any fun; I can't imagine how awkward that whole situation must be. It's got to be almost as bad as going on a date with Matsuda.

Matsuda: I'm right here.

**In the room.**

Misa: Man, Eye can't get in2 teh mood 4 a date.

L: Yep we all have to make sacrifices, hey are you going to eat that cake?

Misa: J00r gonna gets fap iff j00 keep eating teh 5w331z0rz!

L: Bitch don't compare my leet metabolism to yours.

Misa: Hay! J00r making fun of Misa agin! Fine, if Eye gives j00 cape will j00 leaf Misa alone with 1337?

L: As entertaining as that sounds, I'm just gonna mess you with you if I do leave.

Misa: Whut? How r j00 gonna dew dat?

L: You know that game you play when you tie a dollar to a piece of string? It's like that except the string is a handcuff and the dollar is Light, also YOINK! I gots your cake.

Misa: Go ahed, Eye spit on dat piece newaiz!

L: My security cameras say you didn't.

Light: Ryuzaki you don't seem to be very motivated to catch Kira.

L: That's cuz I'm not. I'm coming down from my sugar high and I think that I'm starting to build up a tolerance. I used to be able to do detective work off one or two pieces of cake. Now I need to take 3 or 4 just to get the same edge. Plus I just realized, I've spawned hundreds of Yaoi fanfics and fanart with this thing. **Holds up handcuffs.** Do people even think about how we could logistically get our clothes off with this thing still on? I mean sure the pants are easy enough, but a shirt? You'd have to get the cuff of a sleeve to fit over your head.

Light: But that's impossible, surely Death Note fangirls would be smarter than that?

L: Yes, you would think so wouldn't you? But don't forget these are the same people who devote more popularity to a character that appears in one episode than some of the ones who've been around since the beginning. What can we conclude from this? That were he given more screen time, Matt's legions of fangirls would have destroyed us all.

Light: Interesting way of thinking, fortunately his role was minimalized.

L: Yes, we were truly fortunate.

Light: But what does Matt have to do with us being handcuffed together?

L: Absolutely nothing. You see, my sugar tolerance is really messing with my head.

Light: Ryuzaki…THINK FAST! **Epic Punch!**

Misa: Knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! **Steps in cake. **Ewww. **Starts to wipe cake off her sock.**

L: Hey bitch, don't wipe it off I'll still eat that.

Light: Hey, you dick, I punch you in the face and still all you can think about is cake?

L: Yeah well it wasn't that serious, you punch like Lelouch Lamperouge.

Light: Bullshit I knocked your ass across the room! **Grabs L. **Don't you ever compare me to that weakling Lulu again, you got that?

L: Yeah, yeah, you're real tough. **Epic Sweet Chin Music!** How's that taste Lulu? **The two fly across the room and knock over a couch. **Actually I do take that back, Lulu knew how to pilot a mecha, all you have are calligraphy and food eating skills.

Light: Who gives a shit about giant robots anyway? Don't diss my epic writing.

L: Don't diss your epic writing? Your writing skills may be good, but don't forget, you only rank number two in that regard.

**Light punches him again.**

L: Bloody Hell who taught you to hit? Your mother?

**L Kick!**

**Watching the fight from the other room.**

Matsuda: Umm shouldn't we stop them?

Aizawa: Are you kidding? This is the most action we've seen since Soichiro crashed into the TV Station!

**Phone rings.**

L: Hello?

Matsuda: L, Misa Misa won first place in a magazine contest!

L: You interrupt my fight for something that trivial?

Matsuda: Yes she gets to be the heroine in a new movie isn't that awesome?

**Hangs up.**

Light: What was that about?

L: Matsuda's being an idiot again, remind me to shock him later.

Matsuda: Oh shit, I really thought we were past that…

**Two months and many stupidity shockings later.**

**Light is typing on the computer.**

Light: Ryuzaki come look at this.

L: Light, I'm not looking at the Two Girls, One Cup video again.

Light: No it's not that. Business executives are dying of heart attacks.

L: Ooh shocking, you don't think it might just be stress?

Light: Also, Yotsuba's stock has gone up while the other companies has crashed.

L: Yeah that's what happens in capitalism. If your CEO dies of course your stock is going to drop.

Light: But it's been like this in 13 cases and all deaths were beneficial to Yotsuba. What do you think L? I think Kira's on Yotsuba's side.

L: Dipshit, if there's one thing we know about Kira it's that he kills criminals not business executives for profit. This would radically redefine Kira and isn't plausible at all.

Light: Look just go along with this so we can get this damn arc over.

**Commercial Bump**

_**Yotsuba Arc for Dummies.**_

_Kyosuke Higuchi- Yotsuba's resident monkey man all but confirms that as far as Death Note is concerned, Darwin was right. According to Death Note: How to Read 13's stat wheel (Why it has one I don't know) his special stat is Graciousness, which oddly enough he is not maxed out in as most other characters are in their special stat. On the plus side his stats make a pretty triangle. He gave Misa a taste of what being an annoying and forceful fan was like, unfortunately we'll never know if Misa took these lessons to heart because her role was limited in season 2. In order to save his life he took the Shinigami eyes, which probably only screwed him over faster._

_Reiji Namikawa- The bishie of Yotsuba, he enjoys chess (his special stat) and was the one that the Investigation team called. You can tell his importance pales to that of Higuchi just by comparing entry lengths._

**End Commercial Bump.**

**At the mighty Octagonal Table of Doom, eh doom's too extreme, so is mighty…ahem. At the Mediocre Octagonal Table of Personal Profit.**

Yotsuba 1: It's amazing how we can do this without suspicion.

Yotsuba 2: Yeah it's like the police don't care enough about this arc to investigate us.

Yotsuba 3: Yes it's all going…Exactly. As. We. Thought. It. Would.

White Haired Yotsuba: That's a really lame catchphrase. What did you just try to rip off Just. As. Planned?

Shady Glasses Yotsuba: Well we're a pretty lame evil organization. I mean watching Chad fight is more entertaining than us.

Ooi: Chad? That jobber, surely we're better than him?

Regular Glasses Yotsuba: No he's right, I think Exactly. As. We. Thought. It. Would. is a perfect catchphrase for us.

Higuchi: I'm just gonna come out and say it, I almost want the police to catch us, if only to end this pointlessness.

Namikawa: Now, now it's not all bad, we get to play with some of the members of the investigation team and we have our own Shinigami.

Regular Glasses: We have Rem, the less cool of the two Shinigami, and we get to play with Matsuda and Misa the two stupidest members of the investigation team! Face it, we suck hardcore!

**Investigation headquarters. **

Matsuda: Hey Soichiro, Mogi, sup, homies? Are you as stoked as I am about this investigation thingy into Yotsuba?

Soichiro: Don't ever use my first name again.

Matsuda: Oh…okay.

Soichiro: And don't say sup or homies either Matsuda, you just aren't cool enough to pull it off. I just talked to the police chief and he's very concerned your trying to go beyond your role in this series.

**Flashback**

Police Chief: Matsuda's getting a big head, he's starting to think that being on the investigation team means he's an important character. You need to put him in his place.

**End Flashback.**

Soichiro: And so you see, in the hopes that this will get it out of your system the next episode is going to be called "Matsuda."

**Everyone is shocked.**

Soichiro: That's right it's been determined that Matsuda will get his very own episode. Getting your own episode is a great honor Matsuda, even if it is in the worst arc of Death Note.

Aizawa: What about me? What about the 'fro?

Soichiro: Sorry Aizawa, the creator just doesn't recognize the power of the 'fro. Keep your chin up though and who knows we're only halfway through.

Matsuda: But what about you?

Soichiro: I've been promised a couple episodes.

Matsuda: Wow that's really cool.

L: Yes, yes having your own episode is great, it's sorta depressing though. Taking screentime away from me to devote to you guys…I just hope they don't do something like remove me from the series.

Light: Ryuzaki, don't be foolish, how could they have Death Note without you? You've been here since episode 2.

L: That's right, I have been around since the beginning. It's just a bit sad to watch my star fading.

Soichiro: Get a hold of yourself Ryuzaki. It's only one episode.

L: It starts as one episode. Then another, and another, and before you know it it's Investigation Team Note.

Soichiro: I promise you it won't come to that. If you don't make it to the end of the series then I don't make it to the end of the series! We can't have Death Note without L!

L: You're right, thank you Soichiro.

Aizawa: But chief, how can you willing to write yourself out of the series for L? He's ridiculed us, toyed with us, he had you pretend to shoot your own son, he always takes the last piece of cake!

Soichiro: I didn't think of that, but I guess if it comes to that, I'll just have to go find some other series.

Matsuda: I've decided, I only want one episode! Even if I'm offered another one I'll turn it down for L's sake! Who needs an episode anyway!

Soichiro: Watch your mouth Matsuda.

**Depressed Afrocop.**

Aizawa: What if you guys just gave me half an episode?

L: That won't work, we've got too much plot to push aside anymore.

Aizawa: I'll shave off the Afro!

L: I'll never speak to you again if you do. The afro is central to your character, lose that and you're just background. For someone to throw away their hairstyle just for an episode all to themselves, I do not think that is right.

Soichiro: It's as Ryuzaki says, the Afro is as much a part of you as anything else.

Matsuda: Yeah it's like my childish ignorance!

Aizawa: Even though everyone but me gets their own episode?

Soichiro: It's different for me, I'm the protagonist's father.

Aizawa: But I want an episode too. I was prepared to sit in the background, up until now. But if I quit cuz I wasn't able to get an episode, what can I say to Ukita? He just ran headlong into danger without thinking of character development at all.

Watari: Ryuzaki, you convientely promised that should any characters be denied their own episode that they would get to survive to the end of the series. Why aren't you telling Afrocop that?

Aizawa: Huh?

L: This is just cuz you got to see him with his pants off isn't it Watari?

Watari: I'm sorry.

Matsuda: If I don't get an episode I get a guaranteed survival? Damn that's a sweet deal. You'd get to see how it ends Aizawa!

Aizawa: Ryuzaki, you were just messing with my head again weren't you.

Soichiro: It's not like that Aizawa! Ryuzaki just has trouble saying these things.

Matsuda: Totally.

L: Nope, he's right. Unlike you two Aizawa actually has brains.

Soichiro: That's not nice.

Aizawa: Screw this I quit.

Matsuda: Don't say that Aizawa.

Aizawa: I'm sick of you two defending him. He treats us like shit. Like toys for his own amusement and still you defend him. How many times has he shocked you Matsuda? Screw this I'm leaving, I hate you Ryuzaki.

L: I like people like you Aizawa.

Aizawa: You're still playing mind games? You're so full of shit!

L: Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

**Later.**

Light: Look more convenient deaths that benefit Yotsuba.

Soichiro: Check it out, they all die on the weekends too.

Matsuda: Really?

Soichiro: Yes initially they were spread out across the week, but now their just on the weekend.

Matsuda: Amazing Soichiro.

Soichiro: I told you not to call me Soichiro.

Matsuda: Yes sir.

Light: It's amazing what we can accomplish when we actually focus on the plot!

Soichiro: Yes, it's like there was some object that was creating all the humor in this series. Like something mystical or really awesome.

Matsuda: Like an afro?

L: Yes the sheer awesomeness of an afro could have been responsible for all the hilarity that ensued around here up until now. It's astounding we could have accomplished anything with an object like that around. Let's get to work checking out Yotsuba.

Mogi: Check it out, I'm getting my first lines of the episode.

L: Yeah where were you?

Mogi: Who do you think does all the work when you guys are making jokes? Mogi that's who.

Light: You're amazing Mogi!

L: He was amazing to begin with.

Matsuda: Ryuzaki, is there anything important I can do? I need to be useful for my episode to be good!

L: Oh Matsuda, don't wreck a good thing by actually doing something, you're more comic relief.

Matsuda: I wanna do something!

L: Fine get me more coffee.

Matsuda: What?

L: And those two people over there we've ignored until now.

Matsuda: Who are they?

Light: When did they sneak in?

Matsuda: Are they ninjas?

L: No they're our new members, also the plural of ninja is ninja.

Man: I'm Aiba. I'm a con-artist. What's up?

Woman: I'm Wedy, the only useful female character in this show.

Soichiro: A useful woman in Death Note?

L: Yes, Aiba we will use to investigate Yotsuba from within. If you want more proof of Wedy's usefulness, she got in here without us, male characters, noticing.

Soichiro: That doesn't prove anything. After the massive failures of Misa and Naomi, I've learned to just tune out the female characters.

L: That may be true, but trust me on this one. These two are very good.

Light: So to investigate Yotsuba we need these kinds of people?

L: No, they're just here to bring the lulz back.

Soichiro: Alrighty then

Matsuda: Yeah!

**Afro is sitting alone in the park.**

Afro's kid: Daddy!

Aizawa: Yumi? Yuriko?

Afro's wife: What is your afro doing in a place like this? It'll get wind damage, and we haven't bought you any styling gel.

Kid: I'll give you half my bottle of conditioner!

Aizawa: Sorry I haven't been off for awhile so I decided to give my 'fro some air.

Kid: If your afro gets enough air will it become even more awesome?

Aizawa: Yes

Kid: Yay!

Aizawa: From now on my afro will get more awesome every week. We can even come to this park and brag about it or the zoo or the amusement park or...

Kid: What's wrong? Mama, Daddy's afro is crying.

**Author's note: **Without Afrocop how will the investigation team carry on? Can Wedy really undo all the damage Misa and Naomi did? Will the investigation team get their lulz back? What will Matsuda do in his very own episode?

All these questions may or may not be answered next week, check and see.

When I was looking at DN: How to Read 13, I also discovered the one shot new Kira chapter that was released. It was okay, sorta disappointing but I guess Light was right. He was the only one who could do it.

After Matsuda's episode we get the second opening. How will Adult Swim deal with Maximum the Hormone's curses? We'll find out.

Reviews:

_Shadows: Also, awesome bump, and now I want to see the death note face off with the geass power in a fight to the death. My money's on the death note._

Me too, on a semi related note, I've thought that when DN:TAS is over Code Geass might be my next project, or I could go back and not neglect my serious fanfics.

_1 DeathGoddess__ It's funny how you named only a few of the Yotsuba people, I wonder...They need to stop wasting money on pointless tables and small, octagonal buildings and go get some Espalda magic tea!(I'm sure Aizen is selling it)At least there are sorta_ _other organizations that can be more awesome then them.(SPK? oh wait...)_

I only named the ones who got named in discussion last week. This week I only named the ones I knew of. I don't have all their names remembered. By the end of this series of bumps I might. And let's face it nothing's as good as Aizen's tea, he even toasts us with it in the current Bleach OP.

_Aishi Excel Honestly the Yotsuba ...(yotsuba... youtubea...yakisoba...) arc isn't THAT bad. The yaoi fans love it, that's for sure XD_

It's true it's not that bad, but just comparatively to the rest of Death Note barring Near's BS win and L dying (though a very moving and well done episode) it sucks.


	21. Episode 19

**Version 2.0**

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Episode the Nineteenth: Matsuda….seriously? Matsuda? Oh to hell with this, I'm gonna go watch D. Gray-man.

**Guitar riff starts.**

_Saketa mune no kitsuguchi,_

_Afure nagereru pain in the dark,_

**Lelouch Appears**

Lelouch: What the hell are you doing?

Jaded Ninja: I don't wanna do an episode about Matsuda.

Lulu: I think you're forgetting that you're still under the effects of the Geass.

JN: To hell with your Geass!

Lulu: Look no matter what you're personal distaste is for the character you still have to do the episode, it's your duty dammit!

JN: Oh yeah? What if the episode were called "Nina"?

Lulu: That table rapist? Okay you have a point.

JN: Now shut up, I still haven't caught up all the way yet.

_Kasaneanatta shuukan wo,_

_Tsunugaru omoi tokashite,_

**A giant robot materializes in my room**

Jaded Ninja: Gurren Lagann?

Simon: JADDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD NINNNNNNNNNNNNNNJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! **PUNCH! **Do the damn episode already.

Jaded Ninja: Jeez, owww, okay already.

**The episode starts with a montage of all the shock worthy things Matsuda has done, also Afrocop's table slam, oh Aizawa how I miss you.**

Matsuda: I don't want to be comic relief anymore.

Jaded Ninja: Boring, it's not too late to finish D. Gray-man…

Simon: Don't make me warp through space time again.

JN: Just saying….

**We start off on the set of a movie that Misa is acting in. It looks like that guy L pretended to have the same name as is acting opposite her. That's go to be a record for most appearances of a non-investigation team/non Light's family character without being killed. Naturally Misa manages to annoy us even on the job.**

Misa: Erection! Misa has a boyfriend now sew cussing scenes r no good!

Director: Are you serious it's your freaking job.

Misa: We can jus pretend to cuss.

Director: I shoulda just gone out and got one of those Scientologist stars for this role, their bitching about Xenu isn't half as frustrating.

Misa: Eyem a Statenist!

Matsuda: _There it is, Yotsuba Headquarters. So close and yet I'm still not allowed to do any investigating. __**Flashback again to all the shock worthy things Matsuda has done.**_

JN: Okay come on! This guys got the memory of a goldfish we just had this flashback. I could be watching a vampire fight an Akuma!

Simon: Do you want a Giga Drill Breaker?

JN: You're inferior to Kamina, Simon and you're girlfriend's a Mary Sue.

**Fed up with everyone, including me treating him this way Matsuda runs off for what I can only assume is a hissy fit.**

Misa: Matsu? Hay Matsu?

Director: He seems to have gone off somewhere.

Misa: Huh?

**Oh no, it wasn't to have a hissy fit, he's going inside Yotsuba headquarters! Look at him crawl on all fours underneath the guard's table.**

**In order to break up the monotony of the so far Matsuda heavy episode, Good Light is having an introspective moment.**

Light: If it were possible to sleep with a man without my father thinking poorly of me would I be gay? It's true I think that there are several highly attractive men, but I wouldn't want to sleep with them and become gay. No, I've been reading way too many fanfics. There's no way I'd have sex with Ryuzaki.

L: What's the matter? You're staring at me with pretty perverse eyes. Are you thinking about having sex with my cake?

Light: No it's nothing like that.

L: Here. **Offers cake.**

Light: I don't do that with food.

Watari: Ryuzaki!

L: What is it Watari.

Watari: The dectective Erald Coil has taken the case of finding out L's identity.

Soichiro: Erald Coil? Isn't that they guy who's number 2 detective in the world? He's gunning for your job.

Watari: He was commissioned by Kida Masahiko, better know as Shady Glasses Yotsuba.

Soichiro: It would make sense that they would only be able to get the 2nd best detective in the world.

Light: They think if they get L's identity and kill L it will cause a chain reaction wiping out all the main characters so that only they will be left.

Soichiro: This is bad, the inferior evil organization teaming up with the inferior detective, they've got far too much ambition.

L: Chill, that handsome devil Erald Coil is really me. In fact I'm all three of the world's most famous detectives, L, Coil, and Deneuve. It just goes to show you how much Yotsuba sucks to fall for this. If you keep this secret this strawberry is yours (actual dialogue)

**Mogi takes it, that greedy bastard. That's Ichigo!**

**Back to Yawn, Matsuda's adventures. He sees a bunch of people get on an elevator and then does his Matsuda transformation…woah, woah, woah….Matsuda gets a transformation? Okay seriously.**

Orange Matsuda: _Oh Shit I'm in too deep, I gotta get outta here. No, that's just what they want me to do. I'll show them! They'll see!_

**He sees two Yotsuba talking around the corner about a secret meeting.**

Matsuda: _Secret Meeting? This is my chance! _**He looks at the elevator. **_Nineteenth floor, right now to run upstairs!_

**Back at the tower.**

Aiba: So you want me to investigate this guy? No problem.

Wedy: And you want me to hack the security cameras at the Yotsuba building?

L: Yes, there's some connection between Kira and Yotsuba. We have to investigate them but let's not do something stupid like just walk right up to the front door.

**And what do you think Matsuda was doing just then?**

Matsuda: _I'll just eavesdrop a little…_**Presses head against door.**

**Tower**

L: And for the love of Hecate, please don't let Yotsuba know we're investigating them. Cuz then our chances of catching Kira and ending this crappy arc will disappear.

**Matsuda**

Matsuda: _Damn they soundproofed the door, you are a worthy adversary but you are no match for Orange Matsuda! _**Transformation.**

**Listening in.**

Matsuda: _They said kill!...they said Kira! They're gonna kill someone, I heard it! I did it, I proved their connected to Kira! I'm so sexy and cool…OH SHIT!_

**Matsuda pushes the doors open and falls in the room.**

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

**Investigation center.**

L: So in review don't do anything stupid and think before you act.

Watari: Ryuzaki

L: What?

Watari: I just got a distress signal from Matsuda's belt.

L: That moron, where is he?

Watari: Yotsuba Headquarters.

**A fast thinking Matsuda tries to save his life.**

Matsuda: I'm a manager at Super Happy Fun Time Productions! How would you like to have Misa Misa as your spokesmodel?

**A fast thinking L tries to salvage the plot.**

L: The one person who most needed to hear that speech and what is he doing? Screwing everything up.

**Commercial Bump.**

_**Matsuda for Dummies.**_

_Matsuda is actually older than L, but he certainly doesn't act like it._

_Even Matsuda's stat wheel admits the guy has a short attention span. His special sate is "Sudden Action" which he happens to be maxed out in._

**End Commercial Bump.**

Yotsuba: Super Happy Fun Time Productions, Matsuda. He doesn't seem to be suspicious I doubt he's a spy.

Matsuda: Yup I totally wasn't spying on you. _I'm totally screwed these two are making sure I don't make a break for it. I'm gonna die. Why did I try to be a main character? I want the real main characters to save me._

**Matsuda's phone rings**

Yotsuba: Go ahead answer it. But hold it away from your ear so we can listen in.

Matsuda: Right, Hello

L: Yo sup Matsuda

Matsuda: _Ryuzaki?_

L: It's me, your buddy Asahi, I haven't talked to you in a long time.

Matsuda: Oh hi Ryuzaki…I mean Asahi. What' up?

L: Have you been getting in trouble? You know you really should think before you act sometimes.

Matsuda:…Yeah…I guess I should…

L: You alone.

Matsuda: Yup.

L: **To team **He's not with Misa. **To Matsuda, **You wanna go out?

Matsuda: No, you don't get it Ryuzaki, I'm captured!

L: You really are a complete moron, you know that, I'm trying to help you and you just blow our cover.

Matsuda: _Oops. _Yeah I'm sorry I really suck, save me okay?

L: **To Team** Matsuda went off and got himself kidnapped. **To Matsuda. **Well see you later if you make it out alive, bye. **Hangs up.**

Matsuda: So uh…how bout Misa Misa? I'm sure she'll be an asset to your company.

Blonde Yotsuba: I see nothing suspicious here, so why didn't you bring Misa with you?

Black Haired Yotsuba: Hey, yeah, are you really her manager?

Matsuda: Well you see, she's in this movie….oh they'll never believe that, I'm a cop, I can get you pictures of L's face just don't kill me! Err I mean, I'll get Misa for you as soon as she's done.

**Investigation Headquarters.**

Light: Misa's phone goes straight to answering machine. The one time the bitch doesn't have her phone on. She'll call me at 3AM but where is she when we need her?

Soichiro: What do we do Ryuzaki?

L: Well if he dies it confirms Yotsuba's guilt and we're rid of Matsuda. I really don't see a down side. Let's just watch for now.

**At the Mediocre Octagonal Table of Personal Profit.**

Yotsuba 1: What shall we do?

Yotsuba 2: Did he overhear us?

Higuchi: You don't just answer a question with another question, give the man a real answer, I say kill him.

Shades: Is that really necessary, I mean what if he's just a manager?

Glasses: We're killing people in cold blood for our own gain and you're gonna get cold feet now?

Higuchi: What did I say about answer questions with questions? Shit now you got me doing it.

**Back to the two babysitting Matsuda.**

Blonde: Hmm, she is pretty hot, and a hot chick as our image might make us seem not so run of the mill.

Matsuda: You worry about being average too? Finally I'm with my own kind!

**At the photo shoot.**

Misa: Eyem sew tired! Yaiz! A massage from 1337! He must b worried about Misa cuz itz sew late! **Calls Light back. **1337! Eyem sorry butt Eyeve been working dis whole time! Eyem dumb now!

Light: Misa, you were always dumb, where's Matsuda?

Misa: Hez suck a disgrace, he abandumbed Misa! Oh, Misa's work cell iz ringing. Itz Matsu.

Light: I think we're having a breakthrough, Misa just admitted both she and Matsuda were dumb.

L: You can't be trusted to interpret Misa correctly, put her on speaker phone.

Matsuda: Misa Misa, as soon as filming finishes please come to the Yotsuba building. The amazing Matsuda got you a job and is in no way about to die.

Misa: Dats sew cool Matsu!

L: Light, we may be able to save Matsuda, but we'll need Misa's help. She'll listen to you.

**And listen she did Misa made her way to the octagonal table.**

Misa: High, Eyem Misa Misa! Eye don't dew n00bs but underwear swimsoup is fine. May Satan bless our meeting!

Long Haired Yotsuba: Hmm, she is hot, I wouldn't mind bending her over the Octagonal Table right now.

Misa: Matsu, deez gaiz are pervs. RU sure you want me to work for them?

Matsuda: Misa we killed off Might Guy back in like episode 11. (someone check that)

**So how do you please a perverse group of Japanese businessmen? With a Sexy Party of course.**

Misa's Entourage: Pleezed 2 meet j00 all!

Misa: 2nite, gurlz from our pr0nduction team would liek 2 provide j00 wit a special reception!

Black Hair: I take back what I said, Yotsuba's perks are much better than magic tea.

Glasses: This is pretty close but I'm not sure.

Long Hair: What are we waiting for, let's go to the friggin party already.

Matsuda: _If all goes well even I might get laid!_

**Watching the party.**

L: Damn maybe I should have made an appearance.

Matsuda: Okay, I gotta go to the bathroom.

**Epic running to toilet!**

Matsuda: Ryuzaki, save me!

L: Tell me what you know first.

Matsuda: All 8 of them are planning on how to become main characters. I heard them clearly. Without a doubt they want to usurp us.

L: Are you absolutely sure, if so they'll be aiming to kill you.

Matsuda: I'm a main character, really?

L: A peripheral one, but a main character none the less. I've got a plan to save you, but to save you, you have to die.

Matsuda: Isn't that a bit contradicting?

L: Trust me I have a plan.

**L explains the plan.**

Matsuda: What no way, that's stupid.

L: So stupid it has to work!

**Matsuda burst into the room clearly drunk.**

Matsuda: Boy am I drunk, I'm such a lightweight. Watch out everyone I just drank a whole bottle of Jagermeister! You wanna see something cool? It's show time!** Climbs up on railing**

Yotsuba: What the hell are you doing?

Misa: Go 4 it Matsu! Satin will protect j00!

Matsuda: I always wanted to be in the circus, check it out.

Yotsuba: Hey you drunk that's dangerous, you have to wait for us to kill you!

Matsuda: You always say that, daddy. Why didn't you come to my little league games? I'll make you love me!

**Does handstand.**

Various Yotsuba: Stop it, you aren't supposed to die yet!

Matsuda: I wanted to be a ballerina, but you wouldn't let me!

**Matsuda slips and falls.**

Yotsuba: He fell!

**Looking over the edge they see Matsuda's body on the street.**

Wedy: You killed Matsuda! You bastards!

Misa: Oh noes! J00 gaiz butter go home, we'll take care of dis.

Yotsuba: Are you sure?

Misa: We'll b fine, plz keep Misa in mind 4 teh commercial.

Yotsuba: Hurry if the paparazzi catch us, it'll be trouble.

**Matsuda's body is being carried away in a stretcher.**

People: Oh no! Did someone jump?

Yotsuba: Oh well, at least he's dead. Guess that counts for something.

**In the ambulance**

L: Okay Matsuda you can come out now and stop pretending….Matsuda? Matsuda?

**Pulls sheet away to reveal Matsuda's corpse.**

L: Oh…shit…guess he was right, it was a stupid plan.

**Later at Shades' house.**

Shades: Amane Misa's manager, dead. **Phone rings. **Hello?

Man: Hello is this Shades of Yotsuba?

Shades: My name is, oh screw it, yes this is Shades, who are you?

Man: I'm Erald Coil. I'd like your advice on a certain situation.

Shades: He wants to know whether to bet on in the general election? Can you even do that?

**At the octagonal table**

Shades: And so you see it has come to my attention that you can actually bet on the Presidential election.

Glasses: This is revolutionary, the only question remains, if we do and then vote as well is that a conflict of interest?

Blondie: This is too dangerous I want out! Killing people I was down with, but gambling on an election that's too far!

Leader: Blondie, you'll be dead tomorrow.

Blondie: I was just joking, I'll bet on the election, I'm in! Go McCain!

Yotsuba: Do we really want to bet on that old guy? He might keel over in office.

Shades: I always liked third parties myself. Though that's a pretty big gamble it could pay off.

Bishie: I doubt it, there just isn't someone strong enough to break the two party system.

Blondie: That's right, I'll go with whoever you say!

Leader: Okay, betting on the November general election with Coil, any objections?

Yotsuba: No objections

**Later**

Wedy: L, it was no challenge at all to bug the place they really are mediocre.

Matsuda: This is so exicting!

Soichiro: It's time, wait a minute, Matsuda where'd you come from?

L: I'll tell you later the meeting's about to start…

Yotsuba: So let's get this meeting started.

Soichiro: There's only 7 instead of 8, why is that?

L: What is this 20 questions, I told you I'll explain later…

**Author's note: **How was Matsuda revived? Was it A) Death Eraser, B) A Matsuda clone, C) Necromancy, or D) was he wished back with the Dragonballs? The answer will be revealed next week.

Reviews, if yours is good, you might get a spot next week.

Ice Crome_ The Mediocre Octogonal Table of Personal Benift. I'm naming my child that._

Make sense? No? Well I don't give a .

Cool, good thing I hide behind an anonymous username so the kid won't come after me in 20 years.

Stygian Styx_ great chapter, and adult swim will most likely just keep the first opening, though I hope they don't._

I hope they don't also, though bleeps will slowly drain my soul. Hey Hey Ningen Fucker FTW.

Shishishi _What the . . . ? Afrocop??  
and even Aizawa's wife and daughter called "afro's wife" and "afro's kid"? Hwahahah XD  
btw, GOOD JOB!_

That is fast becoming the fan name for Aizawa, much like the Ishida's are Arrowlad and Arrowdad.

So Thank you for making it all the way to the end, also Simon, you can go home now.

Simon: Remember if you get outta control again, POW right in the kisser. **Leaves.**

Lulu: What about me do I have to go?

JN: Naw just go call Kallen, CC, Millay, Euphie, and Shirley and get them to come over and you can stay forever.

**Version Update: **As per Stygian Styx's note I realized I had the episode number wrong. Also I changed Wedy's line when Matsuda goes splat.


	22. Episode 20

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Instead of a theme song written by me, enjoy the greatest anime OP of all time: "What's up People" by MAXIMUM THE HORMONE

_We've always been this to free all this pain_

_We've always been this to free all this pain_

_POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN_

_GET_

_POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Ningen!_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Benribenribanzai_

_Ningen!_

_Hora BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_Ningen!_

_Hora BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_BIRIBIRI ikarasu ka?_

_Ningen!_

_WHAT'S UP fuan zan ippai hanzai kienan towa ni?_

_WHAT'S UP fuan zan ippai?_

_Urami ni wana, dare doun_

_WHAT'S UP fuan zan ippai hanzai kienan towa ni?_

_WHAT'S UP fuan zan ippai?_

_Hey! Hey! Ningen sucker! Aa ningen…ningen Fucker!_

_Hey! Hey! Ningen sucker! Aa ningen…ningen Fucker!_

_Hey! Hey! Ningen sucker! Aa ningen…ningen Fucker!_

_Hey! Hey! Ningen sucker! Aa ningen…ningen Fucker!_

_HEY! HEY! Ningen SUCKER! Aa ningen…ningen FUCKER!_

_HEY! HEY! Ningen SUCKER! Aa ningen…ningen FUCKER!_

_HEY! HEY! Ningen SUCKER! Aa ningen…ningen FUCKER!_

_HEY! HEY! Ninger SUCKER!_

_WHAT'S UP PEOPLE?_

_WHAT'S UP PEOPLE?_

_WHAT'S UP PEOPLE?_

_WHAT'S UP PEOPLE?_

_**Unitelligible yelling**_

That was awesome now for the episode.

**Episode the 20****th**Suck-cessor.

**Back in the Investigation center where a major question needs to be answered. Also the group are half watching the Yotsuba meeting.**

Ooi: Let's start the meeting.

Matsuda: And so you see just before I went to go into the Yotsuba building I found a

penny, thus making it the 100th one I had, granting me an extra guy.

L: That's how Mario works, this is real life.

Ooi: We all know we're here to talk about who we're going to kill but first…

Matsuda: **Stands up **That is too how it happened!

L: No, you moron, after Ukita's death I had clones of all of you made in case you died or left the team. Hell I've replaced Mogi 18 times.

Ooi: I have good news, the Kira investigation team has taken enough interest in us to bug the building. We're making the big time boys!

Bishie: Finally, all our efforts to make this a real evil organization have paid off, we have an enemy.

Ooi: Indeed, I only wish Blondie was alive to see it. How I miss him sometimes.

Soichiro: But Mogi hasn't even made that many appearances in this series!

Higuchi: No, he was holding us back, it was necessary to kill him. 7 is a lucky number. Plus now I have more legroom on the Octagonal Table.

Vegetalike hair: Hey don't put your feet on the table, we just put cleaned it!

Ooi: Watch your mouth, you can't speak to members of Yotsuba who actually have names that way. However, I must agree with you, Higuchi, our cleaning bill his high enough without your muddy shoes. Please show the Octagonal Table of Personal Profit some respect, mediocre as it may be.

Glasses: You know I think the investigation team is ignoring us.

Matsuda: Yeah and if that's true that I'm a clone, then why didn't you replace Aizawa?

Soichiro: Hey, that's a good point, where's Afroclone?

L: I was unable to properly clone the 'fro.

Higuchi: **Pushes chair back. **Fine I won't put my feet on your precious table anymore, and what do you mean ignoring us?

Glasses: They seem more concerned that Matsuda came back from the dead than the fact that we're actively killing people. I bet we could freaking go on a murderous rampage through Shinjuku and they would even bat an eye.

**Ooi nods: **Then what was the point of putting cameras in our building?

Glasses: Maybe they don't take us seriously? Have we come off as too desperate?

Shades: I think so.

Ooi: So then maybe we should cut back the evil a little bit, try to be reasonable and not over the top to avoid seeming needy?

Yotsuba: Agreed.

Light: Of course you couldn't clone it, the 'fro chooses the master, the master doesn't choose the 'fro.

Ooi: However we must still make it clear that we are a threat. Let's cut the number of people we kill in half, but kill them twice as gruesomely to balance it out.

Yotsuba: Agreed.

Light: And I'm not exactly sure this whole cloning business is kosher, isn't it a big human rights issue?

L: I locked you away for 50 days cuz you thought you were gay, told your father to pretend to shoot you, don't share my food, handcuffed myself to you, and make you watch me pee. What part of that makes you think I care about ethics?

**Group gasp**

L: You are all the lesser playthings of my will. If I want an investigation team with wings, I'll splice your DNA until I get it. I care more about these marshmallows than I do about you.

Group: Ryuzaki!

**Marshmallow stack drops. **

L: Bastards, what's wrong with you?

Light: It might be okay to treat Matsuda and Mogi and even my father that way, but I'm different, I'm your mental equal!

L: I didn't take your DNA.

Light: But you would if you had the chance wouldn't you? Don't deny it.

Soichiro: Light is right, you can't treat us that way!

L: I wouldn't take Light's DNA. If Light dies and people stop dying then it proves he's Kira. It's in my advantage to kill Light.

Ooi: All in favor of adjourning and going back to our rooms…to cry.

Yostuba: Agreed.

Soichiro: You'd go this far just to prove you were right? Light, we have to prove Yotsuba is Kira, do you have their cell phone numbers? It doesn't matter who, we need to call them and get them to admit they are Kira!

L: Wait a minute please. If you do that then you'll only encourage them. If we continue to ignore them they'll eventually stop. Plus it'll make all this time I've spent slowly chipping away at all of your sanity for my own amusement come to end sooner.

Light: Ryuzaki, if one of them is Kira that means the chance of us calling the one who is Kira is 1 in 7 correct?

L: No, because Kira is standing in front of me.

Light: Will you give it a rest already? You were wrong Ryuzaki, Kira is Yotsuba. Let's try to catch Kira in Yotsuba. Sit back and watch, when I catch Kira, you'll have to hand the title of L to me, Ryuzaki.

Soichiro: Bishie!

Light: Bishie!

L: Bishie!

Matsuda: The cute one!

L: That was weird.

Ooi: Sigh, let's just call it quits guys, they don't care about us at all.

**Bishie gets a call.**

Light: Is this Bishie from Yotsuba?

Bishie: My name is Namikawa.

Light: No one will remember that, I'm gonna call you Bishie. I however have a name worth remember. It's L. I'm bugging the room and monitoring you, but to be honest I haven't really been paying attention. You want me to pay attention am I right?

Bishie: He's seen everything.

Light: If you aren't Kira I want to make a deal with you.

Bishie: _A deal?_

Light: I need you guys to act more like Kira. L's on my ass about being Kira and I need you to prove him wrong.

Bishie: I thought you were L?

Light: Look do you want the attention or not? If you play along I promise you'll all be revered as the main antagonists of Death Note.

Bishie: Oh really _Now I've got no choice but to side with L._

Light: Don't tell anyone else about this, we only give out good character roles to manipulative amoral bastards. Your motivation is this. If L wins and catches Kira, you won't be charged, if Kira beats L you get to continue living your affluent life. Play both sides and try to win. That's what the big boys of Death Note do.

Bishie: And I'll get my name remembered?

Light: Sure.

Bishie: Alright then.

Ooi: What is Bishie? Are you trying to betray us and become a main character all by yourself?

Bishie: No, no way. I'm all for the group. As for the killings, let's continue as we are now and have Coil find out how best to catch L's interest, then start doing that at a random date. Our main priority should be catching L's attention, but not making it seem like we want to.

Glasses: I see, if we switch tactics now that we know L is watching, he'll think we're just trying to curry his favor and ignore us.

Ooi: That could work.

Higuchi: Can't hurt to play it safe.

Ooi: We'll give Coil a month. No objections?

Bishie: _I'm so gonna be a main character._

Ooi: However we'll still meet every two weeks. Meeting adjourned.

L: Oh shit, there was actually a meeting going on? How did I miss that? Shame on all of you for distracting me with this cloning business. If I die you may really be a candidate to receive the name of L.

Light: Wait I was just joking before, it's seriously a title? Is it like nobility or something with a castle?

L: Yes, since ancient times the "L" has existed. Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, Scooby Doo, all had their reign as L. The title of L is officially handed over when someone out-deduces the current L and manages to catch a high profile criminal in the process. Generally however, the previous L will not want to give up his title, and so true L candidates manage to devise a way in which the current L will be killed in the course of the case. When my plan to have the zombies and cat monsters on Zombie Island kill Scooby Doo failed, I was forced to give him rabies and make Shaggy take him out back and shoot him.

**Commercial Bump.**

_**Yotsuba for Dummies**_

_3) Takeshi Ooi- The bald talking leader of Yotsuba, he is well aware of the inferiority of the group and tries to come up with a solution. Nickname-Baldy_

_4) Shingo Mido- The glasses wearing member of Yotsuba, though a big part of many meetings according to his bio he is there against his will. And really who can blame him for not wanting to sully his name in this half rate evil organization. Nickname-Glasses_

**End Commercial Bump**

Light: You killed Scooby Doo? My…my childhood! You ruined it! Wait a minute you think I'll kill you won't you? You think I'll try to remove because I'm Kira so you're lying. You never killed anyone to become L.

L: _Amazing he knew exactly what I was thinking. _

Light: Ryuzaki was thinking, After Light becomes L, he'll go back to being Kira.

L: Bingo motherfucker.

Light: So you think this is all a big plot to become both L and Kira so that I'd be invincible?

L: Yes, how else can you explain the otherwise severe lack of drama in this arc?

Light: I'll admit it's suspicious that the quality of enemy has decreased in the last few episodes, but do you honestly know how difficult a plot like that would be to pull off? And if I really were planning that why would I reveal of it now?

L: Because that too is part of your plot.

Light: Ryuzaki do you really believe that I would have planned out an entire arc of this series just to become both L and Kira? Do you really think I'm that kind of person?

**360 spin and zoom in on L's face**

L: Of course, you're an egomaniac.

**L kicks Light in the face, Light punches L**

Soichiro: Yes, kick his ass son!

Matsuda breaks up fight: Okay, okay no one wants to see action! Go back to deducing.

Light: Okay, we have to focus on catching Yotsuba Group anyway.

L: What are you some kind of coward? Backing down already?

Light: Screw you I'm gonna go catch Kira on my own now.

L: If you're gonna be like that, I don't want your help. Let's split up and have a race. Whoever catches Kira first wins.

Soichiro: Wins what?

L: The title of L of course, we'll split up into teams of two. Mogi and Matsuda, Light and Soichiro.

Light: Then who are you working with?

L: I'll give you a handicap and I'll work with Misa. Oh yeah, also you have to come with me everywhere cuz I'm not taking these off.

Light: Cheater!

**In Misa's room**

Misa: 1337! Is it OK if we go on a date today? Ebben if Tamagachi has 2 come

L: **Gets uncomfortably close to Misa. **I'm going to seduce you Misa, step one: eye contact.

Misa: Now eyem acshally glad 1337 never looks at Misa.

L: But don't you dig the disheveled, insomniac look?

Misa: Not espeshally.

L: Oh? Why not, surely it's better than the preppy, stick up my ass look Light has?

Misa: **Runs to Light: **No wai! Shure 1337 might look a little gay sometimes, but at least he dozen look liek he needs a shower and sleep.

L: Foiled again. I'll win you yet. You don't mind me doing this do you Light?

Light: Honestly I pray every time you'll be successful.

L: Then on to my other order of business, wanna catch Kira with me?

Misa: J00 needs Misa's help 2 catch Keera?

L: Sure lets go with that.

Misa: Yai! Misa has been waiting 4 teh time when she will finally b needed! Off course Eyell help j00 Shitalki Mushrooms!

Light: Hold on, since your dragging me along I demand to know what your planning!

L: I'll get Erald Coil to say that Misa has a connection to L, and that she was under suspicion for being the second Kira, that way Misa will definitely get the job at Yotsuba.

Light: No way.

Misa: Y nut?

Light: Because I…err..don't…want you in….danger?

Misa: Yaiz! J00r worried abut Misa's safety! But Eye wantz 2b usefull!

Light: But they'll try to get you to admit you know L any way they can.

Misa: 1337, Eyeve alruddy been tortured once dis series, j00 really think Eye cunt handle ett?

L: You're just sore my plan's better than yours.

Light: That's not it at all, I'm genuinely worried for Misa's safe- oh screw it, she isn't worth this, do whatever you want.

L: Thank you, you see, your precious Light has been trying to prevent you from being useful, but I told him that you are key to this plan.

Misa: Bag of Pocky, Misa has misjudged j00! Calling j00 a pervert and so on, butt really, j00 understand me completely.

Light: More than I can say for Light, both literally and figuratively.

**Misa kisses L on the cheek.**

Misa: Thank j00, Ryuzaki.

L: Now dat's whut Eyem torqueing abut.

Misa: Misa cunt understand j00 whun j00 torque liek dat. Ebben dough j00 stalk weird, j00r Misa's frund!

L: Friends with benefits?

Misa: No, but lettuce all play Ring arund teh Brolly.

**And so they did.**

Misa Misa nebber squeals on her French. Toggeddur we well cut Mira!

L: You misunderstand, we're breaking into teams of two for this, and Light picked his father to work with. I picked you for my partner.

Misa: Whut, dat really makes no sense!

Light: You bastard, you give me no choice but to join. Can't you refrain from cheating at your own game?

L: Don't be a sore loser.

Misa: How culd j00 pick j00r father ober Misa?

Light: Why does did you even make this game have rules if you won't follow them?

Misa: Plz work wif us 1337?

Soichiro: So got any ideas Mogi, Matsuda?

Matsuda: Don't tell me you're cheating too.

**Authors Note: **Okay so I didn't update last week. FF Origins happened and I have to beat FF1 with 4 White Mages.

I'm planning on doing Ep 21 Sunday or Monday, I don't have any more midterm papers to write right now like last week.

And CN solution to Ningen Fucker is, to change the subtitles on the bottom, because I know what it sounds like, but it's Japanse.

The official CN translation is:

_Hey! Hey! A hymn to Humanity, Love has gone. People are you worried?_

Lame, yes. But at least all us subbies know that they are really cursing. Subbies Forever!

Reviews:

_Konohamaru- "Isn't 'I've soiled myself' from Austin Powers? Doesn't Fat Bastard say it?_

ANYWAYS! ONCE AGAIN, I LUV THIS! MAKE MORE OR DIE! (.)"

Calm down Honorable Grandson, I'll make more. Though how do you plan to kill me? Gonna turn into a box with eyes? Also yes it "First I plan to soil myself, then I plan to regroup and think of a new plan." Is from the first Austin Powers movie, when they are being lowered by the Unnecessarily Slow Dipping Mechanism into the tank of Ill Tempered Sea Bass, Austin says it.

_Imcannedfruit "Huh. I take it you don't like Matsuda too much, do 'ya?"_

It's not that I dislike him, it's that he's already the least intelligent character and the comic relief, so abusing him is the most fun. The only character I hate is Near. Cheating Bastard.

_Haha, amusing parody. Just a quick question: Do you think 'Afrocop' uses Frogaine or Miracle-Fro? There's almost no way that 'fro is natural._

Like Light said, the 'fro chooses the master.

And like the 'fro chooses the master, so the readers have chosen to embark upon this journey with me. Thank you all, and don't forget to mosh tonight to both What's Up People and Ichirin no Hana.

Also sorry, Stygian Styx you are a lifesaver, no clue how I grabbed EP 19 again.


	23. Episode 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

Welcome to the first episode of Death Note: the Abridged Series using the dub as a basis. My sub site was down yesterday, but I did cook up a new theme song, my _Friends_

**L'll be there with you.**

_So Ryuk never told you that life would be this way,_

_Handcuffed to some bloke,_

_And everyone thinks your gay._

_Why the Hell are you dating the second Kira?_

_Ever since you lost your memories it hasn't been your day_

_Your week_

_Your month_

_Or even your year, but_

_L'll be there with you,_

_When the blows start to fall_

_L'll be there with you,_

_Just like the day before_

_L'll be there with you,_

_Cos he's handcuffed to you._

_You're living at your work,_

_You can't even go outside,_

_It's pie for breakfast again,_

_You think your pancreas has died,_

_What you wouldn't give,_

_For a home cooked meal,_

_You want to punch him,_

_But your wounds still aren't healed, but_

_L'll be there with you,_

_When you're finding Kira,_

_L'll be there for you,_

_When you're out with Misa,_

_L'll be there for you,_

_Cos he's handcuffed to you._

_You don't even know you're Kira_

_That past you cannot see,_

_And yet L still sees suspects you,_

_And you fight epically,_

_Someone to face Yotsuba with,_

_Make case breaking guesses with,_

_Someone you'll always fight with,_

_Can't afford to slip up once with him, yeah_

_Why the Hell are you dating the second Kira?_

_Ever since you lost your memories it hasn't been your day_

_Your week_

_Your month_

_Or even your year, but_

_L'll be there with you,_

_When the blows start to fall, _

_L'll be there with you,_

_Just like the day before,_

_L'll be there with you,_

_Cos he's handcuffed to you._

_L'll be there with you,_

_L'll be there with you,_

_L'll be there with you,_

_Cos he's handcuffed to you._

**Episode the 21****st**Meesa's Poor4mince

**Once again we join Yotsuba in their neverending effort to be noticed and loved.**

Higuchi: Hey why'd you call us all here? I thought we agreed to spend this week thinking about a cool evil logo?

Ooi: Can't be helped, I got a new report from Coil. He says Misa Amane is also wanted as the spokesperson for L's investigation team. He likes her tough, never surrender even under torture attitude and her linguistic skills. He recommends that we pick her up before L makes a counter offer.

Glasses: Really, we have no time to lose then.

Bishie: But if L is interested in her that means they have a past working history, maybe, dare I say it we could use her to get closer to L?

Ooi: I think you just hatched a nefarious scheme!

Shades: This truly is grounds for celebration, our first evil scheme!

Ooi: Yes that's a good idea.

**Shades calls Aiber to fill him in on their progress.**

Aiber/Coil: Mr. Shades, that's quite the evil plot you've got there, you want to know how to celebrate? I think I've got an idea…

**In Kira's killing lair.**

Higuchi: Man judging criminals is no fun, I wanna kill people to further my own interests, oh well at least things at work are going well. Plus it's apparent that Misa was the second Kira. And for her to be Kira must mean that she's at least somewhat competent at being evil. I will make Misa Amane my wife and then jettison Yotsuba and we will become Evil Overlords of Japan! **Evil Laughter. **And then to solidify my role as arch villain I will take out an evil life insurance policy and kill her!

Rem: _Misa doesn't deserve this, Higuchi makes Light look loving._

Higuchi: Rem, call up AllState, I want my wife to be in good hands…

Rem: _I have to save Misa from the slightly more evil and abusive man. _**Tears piece of Death Note off.**

**In the investigation headquarters.**

L: Okay Misa we're gonna teach you to speak properly.

Aiber: Repeat after me, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain

Misa: Teh run insane walls lamely on teh pain!

L: **Hits Misa with megaphone **Misa I will not lose this bet. Try to work with us.

Misa: Eye keep tulling j00 Eye speek fine!

L: There's only 2 weeks left until the Embassy Ball, I mean Yotsuba interview.

Misa: Henry Higgins j00 r nut.

L: And you're no fair lady.

**On the ride to Yotsuba**

Mogi: Umm Misa Misa

Misa: J00r nut smelling enuff Mobley j00 can just call Misa Misa j00 know.

Mogi: _I can't understand a word she's saying, I thought Ryuzaki was working on that oh well maybe I should just act like I get it. _ MISA MISA!

Misa: Whut iz it Moby? 

Mogi: You're linguistic skills are progressing nicely; you will get the Yotsuba job for sure.

Misa: Donut worry, Eye'll gut teh job 4 shure! Jus don't blow j00r cover ok? J00r Misa's hyper diabetic manager!

Mogi: RIGHT! I NEED INSULIN!

**At Yotusba.**

Mogi: GOOD MORNING! I'M MISA MISA'S MANGER, MOGI! DON'T GIVE ME SUGARY FOODS BECAUSE I MIGHT DIE!

Misa: Idz sew nice 2 c j00 all again!

Mogi: GOOD LUCK, MISA MISA, SNAG ME A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING IF THERE'S A WELCOME BANQUET, MY BLOOD SUGAR IS DROPPING!

Misa: _Lulz Loli, j00r sew funny._

Mogi: _I think I'll go back to being a peripheral character…_

**Interview**

Aiber/Coil: Now then, you and I have never met have we?

Misa: Off course we've met b4, j00 were trying 2 teach Misa 2 "speek properly"

Aiber: I'll just assume that was a no. Anyway we've already decided to hire you, but we're still gonna interview you.

Misa: J00r supposed 2 say that afterwords Eye has no raisin 2 stay now.

Aiber: First off, a burglar killed your parents and because of that you worship Kira, did you come to Tokyo to find Kira?

Misa: No Misa worships Satin, Eyem a Statenist!

Aiber: That's slightly less disturbing, but at least it's not Kira.

Ooi: _When will these foolish humans realize the only true religion is money?_

Aiber: Also you have a secret, one you rather keep hidden

Misa: _I fear my scandal has been revealed, that man is aware that I am not really gothic, I am just a poser who likes to dress that way and pretend to be dark and melancholy._

Aiber: I'm referring of course to your detainment by L, it would be bad news if one of Yotsuba turned out to be Kira.

Higuchi: **Snicker **Yes, we certainly wouldn't want that.

Misa: Phew, Eye thut j00 mint somefang else. No Eye not Keera, Elle released me b/c of dat.

Aiber: Did you get to see his face?

Misa: No, Eye wuz blindfoldeded.

Aiber: What about his voice did you hear that.

Misa: No, teh voice came true a speeker.

Higuchi: Okay, Okay let's go easy on the girl, she's so nervous she can't speak properly. I'm gonna go take a piss.

Ooi: I didn't notice, I thought she was fairly eloquent; anyway we have gotten off track.

Misa: Xcuze Misa, Eye has 2 use teh bathroom as well.

**Bathroom**

Misa: Dis is getting exhausting whut does Hidouchei mean Eye cunt speek properly!

**Rem touches Misa with the Note and covers her mouth.**

Rem: _This won't restore her memories but at least now she can see me, yes seeing a monster with spines for arms is truly the best solution for Misa._

Misa: _Heavens, I fear I have been accosted most cruelly by this monstrous being!_

Rem: Misa you are in a dangerous situation, a life insurance policy is being taken out on you, one of Yotsuba is planning to kill you. Calm down and listen to me.

Misa: _Calm down you say? How could I do such a thing when it appears that you plan to murder me in a grotesque fashion?_

Rem: Believe me I'm your ally, you're into dark stuff aren't you? This should be exciting for you.

Misa: _An ally?_

**Investigation headquarters.**

Matsuda: Wow that party we had up until now was amazing! I can't believe all the crazy stuff we did, we'll probably never do stuff like that again!

Light: _Yes Matsuda it was a truly fun party, there were clowns and cake and I even got a tattoo, though I'm a little embarrassed so I hope no one was watching. Fortunately it's in a concealable place so it will never be seen again._

**Back to Rem**

Rem: Light Yagami is Kira. Tell me what is Light doing now?

Misa: **Muffled Noises Rem lets go. **Whut r j00? Eye cun tell j00r not a stalker, but j00 don't look human at all!

Rem: That's cuz I'm a Shinigami. Before you were captured by L you and I were best friends.

Misa: Eye dun't understand, j00 know Misa 1337 is Keera?

Rem: Why do I have to explain this again? Yes the Death Note, with it you can kill people, Light used the note to kill criminals and became Kira. You also had a Death Note and found Light with your Shinigami Eyes.

Misa: 1337 is Keera Eyem teh second Keera?

Rem: Yes, or rather that used to be the case, because you got captured Light and you both gave up your power as part of a master plan.

Misa: Whut plan? _Well this explains a lot._

Rem: I am not allowed to post spoilers, you will just have to wait and see.

Misa: O? Cum on! J00 cun tell me! Plz?

Rem: No, but I will help you because you love Light, and he's the least evil out of all the men interested in you.

Misa: Tank j00 Origami!

Rem: It's Rem. And the current Kira is a vile and evil monkey man, he scares the shit out of me and I'm a freaking otherworldly monster. Trust in Light and his Xanatos Gambit. I may dislike him but it truly is a magnificent plan.

Misa: Gut ett! Eye guess Eye should just act normal in teh meantiem right?

Rem: That would be best. I will show you who the real Kira is, be on your guard and do not trust him.

**Walks back into room**

Misa: Sorry Eye took sew long, Eye was just fixing my makeup.

Rem: When you enter the room the man sitting in front of me will be Kira.

Misa: _The person located directly before my good Shinigami friend Rem is Kira…Why it appears it is Higuchi! That clever bastard!_

**Commercial Bump**

_**Yotsuba for Dummies**_

_5) Takahashi- The long haired member of Yotsuba. He enjoys surfing and is one of the filler members of the group. Apparently he thinks he's adorable, or at least that's what the manga sampling in his profile says. Nickname: Long Hair, Hippy. _

_6) Shimura-The other member of Yotsuba. This guy is definitely filler, I don't remember ever having to give him a line. His special skill is cautiousness, but he loves rugby, something doesn't add up. Nickname-Umm…Scaredy Cat?_

**End Commercial Bump**

**Misa makes her triumphant return to the group and sits on Light's lap.**

L: Where did you guys go?

Mogi: We were at the interview for Misa's job at Yotsuba, you know for the investigation.

L: Oh, well you missed the party.

Misa: Whut? J00 had a party j00 duddn't tell Misa? Eyem so mad eyem going 2 go out on a date wiff 1 of teh Bakuras 2 get back at j00 4 nut telling Misa 1337!

Light: Whatever

Misa: Nut rly 1337, iff j00 don't wunt Misa 2 Eye wont

Light: I don't care.

Misa: Just say no Misa wont go.

Light: I don't give a damn what you do, for the last time I'm not your boyfriend. Besides Bakura's a pretty effeminate guy I don't think he's interested in girls.

Misa: O j00 dun't care b/c j00 think dere gauy! Butt Misa dozen remember ne Bakura in teh group. _Oh that rapscallion Light, he's such a trusting boyfriend. He must know that our love is so strong that no matter who else we could be with that we will always come back together. He only pretends not to care because it is far too much for him to say his true feelings for me. Adieu Light. I shall return to you soon. _Hey 1337 j00 wanna has teh sex0rz wiff Misa 2nite?

Light: What?

Misa: Jus kidding, j00r safeing itt 4 fter we catch Keera, raito?

L: Sleep with Misa? But Light, that would imply that you're straight.

Light: I'm not the one who handcuffed himself to another man.

L: On that topic, do you mind if I watch?

**After another shoot.**

Misa: Hey Mobley, culd j00 take Misa to dat hospital, Eye needz 2 use teh baffroom.

Mogi: AND WHILE WE'RE THERE I CAN GET MY BLOOD SUGAR CHECKED! IF IT'S GOOD MAYBE I CAN HAVE A TWIX LATER!

**At the Hospital**

Misa: Eye wont take 2 long kay? **Goes into bathroom. Knocks on stall.**

Man in stall: You're supposed to foot tap if you want gay sex.

Misa: Oops Eyem sorry, wrong stall. **Knocks on next stall. One of Misa's hoes opens the door.**

Ho: J00 mades itt Misa!

Misa: 4 teh rust of 2day, Eyem promoting j00 2 Misa.

Ho: Fang j00 sew much!

**Misa leaves in nurse outfit**

Misa: Eye cunt believe dat worked, Eyem sew brilliant!

**Higuchi pulls up.**

Misa: Whut n mazing car!

Higuchi: If you like it maybe you and it could get better acquainted. That nurse outfit looks good on you, but it'd look even better on my bedroom floor.

**On the other end of the swap.**

Mogi: GOOD NEWS MISA! MY BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS ARE NORMAL! HELP ME PICK OUT WHICH CANDY TO BUY FROM THE VENDING MACHINE! WAIT A MINUTE! YOU AREN'T MISA! 

Ho: Shez on a date.

Mogi: Ohh screw it, they don't pay me enough for this, come on "Misa." No one will probably know the difference.

**Back with the real Misa.**

Misa: _Higuchi is Kira, eh? This pervert has been after me since the beginning, he simply oozes of too much cologne and arrogance. In addition, his pickup lines are excessively corny and leave much to be desired. I would not be surprised if his only sexual encounters are with women of ill repute. That such a man could be Kira is truly disgusting._

Higuchi: If I said you had a beautiful body would you take your pants off and dance around a bit? 

Misa: R j00 taking Misa somewhere 2 due pervy stuffs 2 her?

Higuchi: Yes.

Misa: Well dat's ok because Misa cun krill people.

Rem: _Wait, does Misa want me to kill Higuchi if he tries something? You are soooo lucky I'm not Ryuk, he'd probably write both your names down and detail every explicit act he'd make you do, likely involving apples._

Higuchi: Oh I doubt that because if your looks could kill I'd be dead already.

Misa: No, nut liek dat, Eyem teh second kira.

Higuchi: _She can't be serious. _You don't have to make up stuff like that to feel safe around me.

Misa: Eyem serious, but Eyell only prove it 2 teh real Keera.

Higuchi: Oh and why is that?

Misa: Itz Misa's dream 2 marry Kira, he'll need Misa.

Higuchi: _If she is then she's go the eyes. If I had those, that'd be awesome. _Well then baby, let's put my pen in your Death Note, cuz I'm Kira!

**Misa gapes. **J00r Kira?

Higuchi: Yeah. So we gonna do it or not? Cuz I got more lines if you still aren't ready.

Misa: Proof itt!

Higuchi: You want me to kill someone? Man you got some weird turn ons.

Misa: NO! Well yes, but Eye need proof first.

Higuchi: Then you kill someone, after all I could be a kinky like that too.

Misa: Alright, but Misa only kills bad peephole, kay?

Higuchi: Alright, how bout Donald Trump? He evil enough for you? Lewis Black said he was.

Misa: Well iff, Lewis Block says hez ebil…turn arund.

Rem: _Misa, you want me to kill Donald Trump? Then Higuchi will believe you are Kira, alright whatever._

Misa: Kay, hez ded now.

Higuchi: **Takes out phone. **Hello, Trump Towers this is Higuchi,

Man on phone: Sorry Mr. Trump just burst into flames while firing someone, call back later.

Higuchi: _She killed him! This proves it! _**Tackles Misa. **Like I said before my pen, your Death Note, how bout it?

Misa: Only iff j00r Keera!

Higuchi: I am.

Misa: Proof itt!

Higuchi: Fine how bout we go to my place and I'll kill someone then we have hot sex.

Misa: Datz no good.

Higuchi: What you don't like killing people?

Misa: Dis could all just b n xcuse 2 take Misa 2 j00r place. Y dunt j00 stop killing teh criminals on TV? Shuld b no problem for Kira. J00 can kill agin whun Eye tull j00. Iff teh deaths match up itll prove it.

Higuchi: But I'm horny now!

Misa: 2 Bad.

Higuchi: Fine, I'll do it, once you're convince I'm Kira, you and I will get freaky.

**Misa plays back the conversation to the investigation team.**

Misa sew, Kabuki is Kirra!

Matsuda: Way to go Misa! Way to prove that the minor characters like us can do something useful!

**Author's Note: **Soooooooooooooooo sorry about being late. There's something you guys should probably know about me and that's that I have a really short attention span and get bored easily when it comes to projects. I really want to finish this though, so I'm gonna do my best to update as regularly as possible.

_Ice Crome: Matsuda was cloned? Why?  
He might be comic relief, but he's actually fairly useless._

Status Quo must be upheld

_Aishi Excel: I haven't reviewed for the last like, 3 chapters... I'm ashamed... But now eye revyeews 4 shure!  
Funny as hell as always. You know, I think attempts to clone the fro would result in some grotesque kind of monstrosity... maybe that's how Ryuk was born.  
I am beginning to realize why the Yotsuba arc sucks. This whole episode didn't have a single moment that made me sit forward in my seat and go :"You clever bastard." Actually, I haven't done that since the relinquishing the note thing. ... TT You win, JadedNinja, you win. I suck even more at life.  
And WHAT THE HELL is with CN's bizzare subtitles in the op? I am not sure how "ningen sucker, ningen " translates to... a cry to humanity... --  
write more. You will even if I tell you not to, so I'm not sure why I say that._

Yes maybe all the Shinigami exist because the King of Death wanted a 'Fro

Also the subtitle are there so [as can say, "I know what it sounds like, but it's Japanese!"

In addition, I'm working on a Pokerap of Death Note characters, I've already exhausted How to Read 13, and that only got halfway there, so if you can find any obscure characters to fill out the spots let me know.


	24. Episode 22

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Misa holds up her phone: **_Mada riaru idearu no hazama ni ite_

Misa: + Sew, as j00 cun c, Alumina wuz a much bedder ending than Zetsubou Billy!

**Episode the 22****nd****: **Light Probably Could Have Used Some Guidance As A Child

**L drops sugar into his coffee as Misa silently continues talking in the background. Even when she's muted she won't shut up!**

L: _Misa must be crazy if she thinks that Visual Kei crap is better than Maximum the Hormone, damn is she still talking? She must be milking every minute of screentime cuz she barely shows up in the second half of the story. Oh well more screentime for me, no one would ever think of removing L from the plot._

Light: So Misa you went on a date with Higuchi? You like him now?

Misa: O noes 1337, Eye still luv j00 the most! _How sweet and touching, my beloved Light is jealous._

Light: MISA, I DON'T LIKE YOU! I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!

Misa: O 1337 j00r such a jokester!

L: Yes he's a real riot, isn't he Matsuda.

**Despite the fact that Matsuda was referenced to and the camera cut to him, Light will talk.**

Light: It's not a joke, and I know you're gonna pull the "Light is gay" thing, but I don't care, this has to stop now.

L: You can't just steal someone's lines, I was talking to Matsuda.

Light: This is more important than the comic relief; I'm trying to break up with Misa.

L: Perhaps not to you, but I'm sure the lines matter the world to Matsuda. And just to show you how concerned I am about minor characters, Wedy, anything you want to say?

Wedy: I'm wearing tight fanservicey spandex and I'm still barely in this show, what the hell does a girl have to do to get noticed.

L: You need a character trait, like Misa's poser gothic fangirl act.

Wedy: I'm in a skintight bodysuit, this would get me lead female status in any other Shonen.

L: Perhaps if you hung around with Higuchi, his perverted attempts at you would provide a subplot.

Wedy: Higuchi? That guys got a super security system, he must have one hell of a porn stash to protect.

Matsuda: I just used to hide them under my mattress.

L: What about Higuchi's cars, maybe he has some easy access stuff in there?

Wedy: After all the trouble I went to of breaking into his house and now you're telling me he probably has some magazines in his car?

L: That horny bastard? Oh yeah.

Wedy: And wait a minute, why are we suddenly looking for Higuchi's dirty magazines?

L: Bye now.

Misa: _Disgusting, he actually keeps stuff like that in his car…Perhaps I sat on some without knowing it, I fear I will need a shower._

L: Light I'm sorry to keep coming back to this topic, but do you mind…me taking all of the Hetero stuff I mean.

Light: Are you still going on about that? Look I'm not gay! How many times do I have to-

L: I just want you to answer the question. Well? Do you mind?

Light: No I don't.

L: Misa what about you?

Misa: Eye don't mind, how could Eye, cuz pr0n iz gross!

L: Look Light, listen to what I'm about to say, I want you to thoroughly analyze my current theory. This could determine the amount of Yaoi that exists. Light Yagami used to be gay, the gayness has somehow passed onto another person, Light Yagami now has no memory of being gay. I need your analysis based off these assumptions, do you think you can do that for me?

Light: Yeah I'll give it a try.

L: Light Yagami used to be gay, that gayness has now passed on to another person, was that because Light Yagami wanted it happen, or was there someone else involved to control Light, lurking in the background that gave him the gayness? Was it that person who passed Light's gayness on to someone else?

Light: Given your premise, it would be my will.

L: Yes of course, if there is a third party with the ability to bestow the gayness and they didn't want their method to be discovered, then it makes no sense for them to wait so long for them to transfer it from you to the next queen. If we believe this was the work of some being watching over us from above, we'd have to accept they are impossible to straighten up, not to mention I'd already be gay. Or at the very least I'm being made to be a fool eternally doing a fruity dance in the lotioned palm of someone's well manicured hand. It's highly unlikely that such a being exists. Even if Light Yagami was gay, Light's gayness can only be transferred by the will of the person who possesses it. Thank you Light, I can now say that I feel 99 safer with these handcuffs on. We'll create a situation where Higuchi will not be able to pass on his gayness to someone else, we'll have him show us how gay he is.

Light: Wait, Higuchi's gay? When did this happen?

L: Oh come on, his outgoing personality, woman chasing ways, porn addiction and nothing to show for it, he's obviously gay.

Matsuda: It's to throw us off the scent!

L: We'll use Sakura TV's special that Jameson runs every week, we'll book a three hour timeslot and we'll announce that a high profile executive's homosexuality will be outed at the end of the special.

Matsuda: Sakura TV that reminds me aren't we supposed to be looking for something else? You know, Kira?

Light: The Lieutenant for Squad 3? What do we want with him? Anyway we'll get Bishie to call him and tell him "this is juicy, turn on Sakura TV." Higuchi will buy it once he sees that someone who knows his secret is on TV.

Matsuda: No seriously, you know Kira the guy who's murdering criminals?

L: You're annoying me and since I lost the remote to your shock collar, and this job is potentially deadly you can go be the one to spill the beans.

Matsuda: Why do I have to do it?

Light: Did you look between the couch cushions?

Misa: Yeah!

Soichiro: Or maybe it's been on top of the TV all along! Why I remember when that happened to me once.

Light: It's improbable that it would be on top of the TV, the irony of the situation would be lost, though you're thinking in the right vein, maybe the remote is on Matsuda's leg.

L: You're forgetting one important factor…gravity, there's no way the remote control would suspend itself in midair. Also the bulge would be visible. Because I am depressed over this we will also expose your identity and give Higuchi a chance to know who you are.

Misa: Whut abut under teh carpit?

L: We're done looking for the remote Misa. Until the show ends we will have the announcer keep saying at the end of the hour they will reveal the name of the homosexual executive.

Light: Higuchi will feel cornered, he will have no choice but you figure out your name as soon as possible, we can anticipate what actions he will take. We'll witness his gayness, after that we send him to ex gay camp. There is one potential problem to this plan, if Higuchi can make you gay simply by looking at someone's face, Matsuda will become gay.

Light: But considering the fact that you're still straight, and how he's trying to use Misa to make everyone think he's straight, I don't think that's the case.

L: At any rate we're going to have to wait a couple days and make sure we do this in the manliest way possible. We don't want anyone to think we're the gay ones. In the meantime Matsuda will have to decide if he's manly enough to go through with this plan.

Matsuda: Seriously guys, do we even care that criminals are dying?

**Commercial Bump.**

_**Yotsuba for Dummies: Final Edition**_

_7) Kida- The one who's in direct contact with Coil/Aiber. He likes spectacles and has the coolest pair of glasses of anyone in Death Note. Despite his high fashion eyegear he is no more spectacular than any of the other run of the mill villains in Yotsuba. Nickname-Shades_

_8) Hatori- Only on the team cuz he was banging someone's daughter. He could have just kept his mouth shut and gone down with the rest of them, but had to open his mouth and make Yotsuba kill him. Reminds me greatly of the Governor's son from episode one of Samurai Champloo, who also died not too long after his introduction. As such he's the only member other than Higuchi to stand out for the mere fact that he was too lame for Yotsuba. Way to fail at life. Nickname-Blondie_

**End Commercial Bump.**

**We now travel to a meeting of 3 of Yotsuba's members.**

Bishie: Okay I'm here what's the secret meeting about?

Scaredy Cat: Bishie tell me, why didn't Kira give me a good nickname?

Bishie: Why do you want to know what I think? For all I know it could be because you lack any defining characteristics, like glasses for example.

Glasses: Scaredy Cat fulfills a character archtype, you're the token coward of the group.

Bishie: And with Blondie dead we're short handed on cowards

Scaredy Cat: But, Bishie and Glasses are nicknames good enough to qualify a bad guy on his own. Why would Kira give such good names to people who aren't the boss?

Bishie: Because Kira has a lame nickname to throw off the investigation.

Scaredy Cat: Long Hair and Higuchi are the only other lame ones.

Glasses: I'll admit Long Hair is rather lame, but that's because he's a decoy for the true villain.

Bishie: It wasn't a very bright plan, he should have at least come up with a name for himself when the other 7 had one, but we all know the truth now. Higuchi is Kira and the mastermind behind all our lackluster adventures.

Glasses: Yes, he's the one who craves attention the most, while we all get nicknames he ensures his name will be the only one anyone remembers.

Bishie: It all makes sense, he doesn't want to throw us off, he wants all the attention for himself while we get relegated to side roles. By the way who else did you invite?

Glasses: I also invited Baldy, but he said he was busy trying to regrow hair because he hated his nickname, go figure.

Bishie: Good ol' Baldy, always touchy about his appearance

Glasses: Shades is the token badass villain, or would be if we weren't average.

Scaredy Cat: Yes right now he's just bad and an ass. Anyway, Bishie who called you that one time?

Bishie: Ahh so you picked up on that, good job Scaredy Cat, this is why your overcautious cowardice is useful.

**Phone rings.**

Light: It's me L, are you alone?

Bishie: No

Light: Then just pretend I'm your sick mother.

Bishie: My mother is dead, and besides the cats out of the bag, Scaredy Cat already knows.

Scaredy Cat: Who is Bishie? Should I prepare a change of pants?

Bishie: It's L. L Scaredy Cat and Glasses are here, neither of them could be Kira, so since he's too afraid to, I'll say Scaredy Cat and probably Glasses will just sit this one out like me.

Light: Tonight I'm going to out the gay one, but I'll need your help.

Bishie: Gay one? What? Are you even taking us seriously?

Light: You don't care that Higuchi likes men? Well I guess as effeminate as you look you're probably safe.

Bishie: You do know Higuchi is Kira right? I mean wasn't that the point of this investigation?

Misa: O yeah, now Eye remumber, wear trying to catch Keera!

L: I blame this all on Light.

Light: I mean yes, we're trying to catch Kira, we're just pretending to out him, it'll be on TV, call Higuchi and tell him it's on. Also try to stop any of the others from interfering.

Bishie: I can't believe I wanted you to catch me. **Hangs up. ** Good news, L's a moron. He's been spending all this time planning an elaborate trap to out Higuchi as gay.

**In Higuchi's lair.**

Higuchi: It's been three days since I stopped killing people, now when I marry Misa, I'll finally be sure that I'm not gay. And then my life will be FABULOUS!

**Phone rings**

Bishie: Higuchi, we've got a problem. Check out Sakura TV.

TV announcer: So you said one of those people is gay right?

Matsuda: Yeah, I can prove it too.

Higuchi: It's probably a hoax, it's Sakura TV

Bishie: No, at the beginning he said he overheard a meeting between 8 people.

Higuchi: I'd say it's you, ya effeminate pretty boy, what with your fancy shampoos and perfectly manicured nails.

Matsuda: I was at a party and I get getting these weird vibes like he was checking me out, me and this blonde guy.

Higuchi: _He knows I had a mancrush on Hatori!_

Matsuda: The blonde guy wouldn't go out with him and was killed because of that.

Higuchi: _That's only half true!_

**Scene breaks, Matsuda is shown**

Higuchi: It's him! Misa's manager, Honda or something, why is he still alive?

Bishie: I don't know, we saw his corpse and everything, maybe he's a homunculus.

Higuchi: _A homunculus? It makes sense the Death Note couldn't kill someone with a Philospher's stone instead of a heart. That's why when I wrote his name down afterwards to be safe it couldn't work. _

Bishie: This is bad, I don't think we can possibly kill him enough times to make him cough up the Philospher's stone!

Higuchi: We'll talk later, I've got work to do to stop this

Announcer: Sorry bout that, do want to continue?

Matsuda: No, I don't.

J. Jonah Jameson: You don't have a choice! I need pictures of Kira! Are you sure he'll come here, if he doesn't you're fired!

Higuchi: I have kill him! Calm down, Father should be able to remove the Philospher's stone from him, I'll just call him.

Voice tone: The number you have dialed is currently out of service, please check back when the flow of Amestran Alchemy has been turned back on.

Higuchi: Damn bastard, why the hell did he turn the power off?

**Calls Glasses**

Higuchi: Glasses you're smart, how do I kill a homunculus?

Glasses: Are we talking Fullmetal Alchemist homunculi or Busou Renkin homunculi?

Higuchi: Fullmetal Alchemist

Glasses: Are we talking anime homunculi or manga homunculi?

Higuchi: _Of course, if Father won't help me maybe Dante will, I'll call her! _Thanks Glasses, I've got another call to make. **Hangs up. **You'd better pick up you bitch!

Watari: Ryuzaki, Higuchi's trying to call someone I'm gonna hack his phone and send it Mogi to mess with him like you and Light said.

L: Sweet Deal.

Mogi: HELLO! HOW ARE YOU!

Higuchi: Hello, Dante, wait you aren't Dante.

Mogi: NO, BUT I COULD USE SOME OF THAT ALCHEMY TO FIX MY PANCREAS!

Higuchi: Wrong number sorry bye. **Hangs up. **Dammit. I could have sworn that was the right number.

Light: This going JUST. AS. PLANNED. It's kinda scary.

L: Don't you mean Exactly as Planned?

Watari: Okay now lets see who he's really calling.

Higuchi: Hello Dante? How do I kill a homunculus? I don't have time to kill it like 20 times, I need it done fast.

Dante: You need a portion of the body used to make the homunculus and to construct a Flammel Array.

Higuchi: I don't have a corpse will it still work?

Dante: There's a first time for everything I guess.

Higuchi: Then how do I do make a Flammel Array?

Dante: Look I'm busy,

Higuchi: Don't screw with him I'm in a hurry!

Dante: That makes too of us, I need to find a new body, this one's starting to rot. Everything you need is in my alchemy notes.

Higuchi: Then get them for me!

Dante: You've got to be kidding I have like 3 hours left at the most. I'll tell you what, since you want it so badly my alchemy notes are in a filing cabinet I'll leave it unlocked for you.

**Higuchi runs out of house and into his car.**

Higuchi: I'll kill him no matter what. You try to out me and that's the price you pay, equivalent exchange bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Author's Note: **As you probably know 1) US Dub used Exactly as Planned like Viz did for their manga, disappointing but oh well.

And 2) This week is the last episode of Death Note. There are no more after 25. None at all.

In more positive news I have Death Note's manga Vol 1 now. I read it in a little less than a day.

Reviews:

Eternal Moon Peach Goddess _Where can you find that "worst fanfic ever"? I want to read it now... er... for strictly educational reasons._

Why it's right here on FF. It's called My Immortal and it's in the Harry Potter section. It's also **checks **still the first result when you type "worst fanfiction ever" into google. Interestingly enough it's also under "best fanfiction ever" (Blasphemy, "Put Your Lights On" by Klepto-maniac0 is the best the first of two shout outs in this) or just plain "fanfiction ever"

_Hmm. WICCAN! COL! I'd never seen L/Riyu as a Wiccan before, that's freakin awesome. Oh, and thanks for having him clear up the difference. The, Wiccans are witches, but witches aren't Wiccan thing. Yah. XD XD_

I cleared something up? That was…unintentional.

BoogiePop Shippuden: _What does Sakujo mean anyway? Well, go Teru!_

Eliminate/Eradicate/Delete

_Hey, since Near loves his toys and you do Bleach references, what are the chances we'll read about him playing with a Kon doll?_

NICE ANGLE! And perhaps Halle Lidner will pick him up and take him to the valley of soft pillows! Great idea, nee-san.

_Oh and since you don't want to be worshiped, can I idolize you instead? Or should I just admire you?  
(I'm not sure but I think idolizing someone is a few levels below worship, right?)_

Admire sounds about right.

For my FF10 Fanfic: _Are you going to update this after Deathnote is done?  
It seems pretty interesting._

I had a few more in a notebook somewhere, they're pretty short and have little detail since they're also written in script style. Right now it's 3rd on my priority list of the three I have, I never added them cuz I wasn't getting views. (You're only the second person to comment on it and the other I know in real life). The Bardock one takes precedent though since I was getting reviews on that and my writing quality is better. Honestly though I've found I enjoy this style of writing better than in the serious ones.

RJtheClown has a fic that has the same basic idea. It's called Otherworld and starts about when Jecht is in prison. I talked to him once on a message board when I first was getting into fanfiction, he was a nice guy.

Oriechalcos:_ For people, try Hitoshi (Sakura TV guy). Shiori, Ryotaro and Sanami from the film (bet you didn't look there) also work. Kurou & Mitashi (first guy(s) he killed in the anime/movie.) are overlooked too. Shibuimaru Takuo is the biker dude..and that's all I got. Those are all off the top of my head (except the last one: it's in my own DN.)_

Kay I had Sanami and ShibiTaku and the first guy he killed. Never saw the movies, but I have the ones that are on the Wiki

Aishi Excel_: Horah! Update! You know, the entire Shinigami realm existing because of a fro poser makes teh centzes! Haha, Higuchi was definitely channeling Zapp Brannigan. I just don't want to picture him in the velour shudder As for obscure characters, how about Taro Kagami? He was the Mikami wannabe in the pilot one-shot. And Yamamoto... that guy who came into the investigation team AFTER all the fun with Kira. (That's like coming in after a party and wondering what the happened to all the cake.) Or Jose, the guy who shot Soichiro? I think that's his name. Lawl, I know all these random characters... Anyways... GOOD CHAP! WRITE MORE! I'M OFF TO GIVE MYSELF INSULIN!_

Had Tarou didn't have Yamamoto or Jose

Ice Crome:_ What 'status quo'?_

I dunno, so I can kill him again?


	25. Episode 23

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Episode the 23****rd****: **Friend Z

**L and Light are watching Misa's commercial, L licks his lips and begins eating a banana.**

Light: L calm down it's just a commercial.

L: At least I'm attracted to women.

Matsuda: And so I'm in a hotel room drinking with them

Announcer: And you started picking up some odd vibes

Matsuda: If I gave you anymore details I think the people who were there that night would figure out which one of them is gay.

Announcer: Okay, I won't press too far it was quite an ordeal for you.

**Higuchi is watching in his car**

Announcer: And so at that party you were hit on by one of the members of Yotsuba

Matsuda: Yes but at that time I thought he was just friendly I had no way of knowing he was gay.

Announcer: And so you came here despite the emotional trauma he put you through, and the fact that he could out you as gay as well, you're very courageous.

Matsuda: In order to out someone as gay, he needs two things.

Higuchi: _A name and a face._

Matsuda: But he only knows one of those two things about me, so I'm safe.

Higuchi: _So you think you're safe huh? You won't be feeling so safe when I take your Philosopher's Stone_

Rem what do you think?

Rem: You actually care what I think?

Light: Rem who's that? Is he hiding a midget in his coat?

L: Perhaps, but a midget would produce a visible bulge, it's possible it's his imaginary friend.

Higuchi: Not especially, but I'm pretty screwed right now.

Rem: Well it doesn't matter to me one way or another.

Higuchi: You're a supernatural being and he's a supernatural being shouldn't you be natural enemies?

Misa: Mayb hez torking 2 Sultan?

L: No, no one in this show has the same religious beliefs as another character.

Rem: _What does he mean supernatural being? Homunculi are man made, I'm otherworldly. _I can't even begin to tell you where you're wrong on that one.

Announcer: Only one hour left until we out him!

Rem: Have you considered that he might possibly not be a homunculus?

Higuchi: How else could he have survived that fall? I saw him go splat! He has to be a homunculus!

Misa: Homunculus? Whut izz he talking abut

L: Man made humans, he's not far off he's referring to Matsuda, we did make him with science but he's only a clone, I didn't feel like losing my cake eating hand for him.

Light: What about the other one?

Rem: What if he is some other form of immortal, like a vampire or Christopher Walken?

Higuchi: That's a good point Rem, I should pick up a silver cross and a stake, oh and what kills vampires?

Light: In fact I don't think I've ever seen you establish a preference for eating out of one hand specifically! It's not even possible! You need to hold a fork and the plate!

L: That's just the point, they're both my cake eating hands. This however is my banana eating hand. **Eats banana right handed.**

Rem: How about returning the Note to me, you will lose all memories of being gay.

Higuchi: No, the damage to my reputation will be done already. Even if I have live torrid sex with a girl everyone will think I'm gay.

Announcer: So what would you say if he was watching right now?

Matsuda: I would tell him I'm pregnant with his love child!

Higuchi: What the hell? Is that even possible? I didn't even have sex with him…and he's a man! No, this is anime, I can't count out any possibility I have to kill him and his child, but I'll need an expert's help for that.

**Stops car.**

Light: Where is he now?

L: The address of Kotonoha Katsura, owner of a Nice Boat and a master at performing unlicensed abortions.

Higuchi: _No one's here, Kotonoha must be off on another date with Makoto's severed head. I'll just take her trusty aborting butcher's knife. I think it's in this drawer._

L: Now show me how you're going to kill Matsuda.

Mogi: In position ready to bring that limp wrist sonufabitch down.

Higuchi: _Now to write in my journal, dear diary, today is about to be a FABULOUS day! I'm going to kill that m-pregged vampire humonculus and no one will know my secret, no one except you._

Light: What the hell is this? A butcher's knife doused in holy water with an alchemy drawing on it? What is he planning to do?

Mogi: So do I tackle him?

L: No, this is getting interesting I want to see what he does with his genre bending superweapon.

Light: You know seeing that multipurpose murder weapon reminded me of something

L: Yes I feel we're over looking an important detail about Higuchi as well.

Higuchi: _I'm gonna kill you so bad._

Matsuda: That man is a cold blooded buttrapist who won't pay my child support, I can't wait to out him.

Higuchi: THAT'S IT! I CAN'T STAND THIS GUY! You wouldn't think Kira would have to go to all this trouble to kill someone!

Light: Kira, what's a Kira?

L: The name does seem familiar, what a minute, it's all coming back now, we're trying to catch Kira, not prove someone's gay or not. You'd think I'd learn not to fall for this trick a second time.

Light: Well it's not too late, we could still try to catch him, that was pretty much a confession.

L: _Fortune has smiled upon us, not only will I out a high level celebrity, but I catch Kira as well. I should celebrate, but which variation of cake should I have?_

Announcer: We'll out him in 15 minutes

Higuchi: Damn, there's not much time left! _Okay let me think about this, I don't have time to dilly dally and figure out what kind of mythical unkillable beast he is, but if I get the Shinigami eyes I should be able to at least see if he's still human enough to kill once I know his real name. Of course, it's so simple, I got carried away with these grandiose nightmares of vampires and Christopher Walkens. He's probably just a plot protection hero who's able to stand up to comical abuse. _

Rem let's make the deal.

Light: So Ryuzaki, are we pursuing him as Kira?

L: I like angel food cake, but perhaps a dump cake would work as well.

Light: Ryuzaki?

L: But dump cake doesn't have a bottom so it will spill all over the place, maybe an ice cream cake? Though you can't count out the merits of a well blended marble cake.

Higuchi: _Now that I have the eyes nothing can stop me! This truly is the best deal I've ever made!_

**Police car chases Higuchi**

Policeman: Pull over

**Higuchi complies**

Policeman: You were speeding I'd hate to bring you downtown, maybe we can resolve this?

Higuchi: Kyosuke Higuchi commands you, die!

L: Then again I'm not that hungry, I could deal with maybe just a shortcake or two….

Policeman: What?

Higuchi: I command you, kill yourself! Go on, say "yes my lord" and go off yourself.

Rem: Higuchi, I gave you Shinigami eyes not a Geass.

Higuchi: Oh yeah **writes policeman's name down.**

Policeman: Hey! I would have settled for a bribe!

**Policeman tries to pursue but his head ASPLODE!**

Mogi: the policeman is dead.

Light: He killed him? How?

L: I think for sure I can say I don't want a carrot cake, I don't feel like anything remotely healthy.

Light: Ryuzaki quit spacing out, some series shit is going down!

L: _I should get some for Light to-_Huh? Oh uh, everyone Higuchi is Kira….and uh he can kill people just by seeing them, take precaution. _I hope that was relevant._

**Commercial Bump**

_**Misa Speek for Dummies**_

_Misa suffers from a rare disease which jumbles up all the words she says and makes them unintelligible to everyone. The others simply act like they know what she is saying to mess with Light. Misa is currently being researched by the top Shinigami scientists, however attempts to remedy the situation were halted when Mayuri Kurotsuchi's proposal of a speech filter implant was voted down upon discovery that it also contained a rider which included detailed plans to add rocket boosters to her feet. Kurotsuchi defended the necessity of such an addition when he said "But it's for science!" Longtime friend Orochimaru agreed with Mayuri but said he voted against the proposal because "it lacked a provision for funds to invade Konoha and kidnap young boys."_

**End Commercial Bump**

L: Watari, put me through to the director of the NPA.

Watari: Yes sir

L: This is L, I'm about to apprehend Kira, bet you wish you'd stuck around now, but none of you did, not even Xehanort.

Xehanort: To be fair, I had more pressing matters involving catching the Keyblade user, who's far more dangerous than Kira with his Triangle button.

L: So now you can all just sit back and watch as I bring him to justice, bitches

Light: Okay dad, during the next commercial break commence operation Chucky.

Soichiro: Mr. Jameson, prepare to switch Matsuda and the announcer's body with mannequins, then play "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith, the mannequins will come to life and either seduce or kill Higuchi.

L: Come to think of it Light, how can we be sure the mannequins will come to life? We never actually tested that theory

Light: We should make sure beforehand.

**L handcuffs Misa and ties her to chair**

L: Sorry Misa, you're the only test subject left, now don't go anywhere while Light and I take the rofL-copter to the department store.

Misa: Whut! Butt dat's nut cool!

**In the rofL-copter**

Light: Hell yeah, this feels like freaking Ghost in the Shell!

L: I have yet to encounter a problem that can't be solved with helicopter theft.

Light: Screw the mannequins let's go scare the shit out of Higuchi with this thing.

L: Now you're using your head. Come in Wedy, is this little blip on my helicopter's map supposed to be Higuchi?

Wedy: No that's the location of Willy Wonka's Delivery Van.

L: Decisions, decisions, eh I'll always have time to get that van, switch it to show me Higuchi's car.

**At Yotsuba**

Higuchi: Damn, who taped over all the security cameras with episodes of the Flavor of Love? How am I supposed to see his name now? And why didn't New York win in the second season if she came back? No I can't waste time thinking about this, I've got to get that name.

**Drives off**

**rofL-copter**

Light: Dad, Higuchi is on his way to Sakura TV, are the mannequins alive yet?

Soichiro: No son and we've played every Aerosmith song we can think of, we're just gonna ambush and shoot him the old fashioned way.

**At Sakura TV**

Wedy: Are you ready Mr. Yagami? Here have this gun.

Soichiro: No it's against the law.

Wedy: Aiber doesn't like guns and you won't take one, how the hell are we supposed to ambush and kill him if we're unarmed? Fine don't blame me if you take a bullet.

Higuchi: Yes I made it, hey why is no one here? Oh screw it, it's probably not a trap.

**Enters studio**

Higuchi: Dummies, no way, I've been tricked.

Soichiro: Stop right there Higuchi

Wedy: Don't move, **Higuchi is surrounded, **Give it up

Higuchi: Easy Darth Vader, _why the hell is only one of them armed? They really don't plan to take me on with just their fists? _ I think it's really admirable that you all want to follow the gun control laws, but you forgot one essential detail, I DON'T!

**Higuchi whips out his piece and fires at Wedy, Soichiro takes the bullet and bolts out of the room**

Wedy: This is why I told you we all needed guns, here Aiber, don't be a pussy and shoot him this time.

Aiber: Damn, I didn't want to reveal this but I have terrible aim. **Fires and hits Soichiro again. **Oh come on that shouldn't even be possible.

Mogi: L, Higuchi has a gun, he shot the chief twice.

Soichiro: Oww, the first one only hit my arm but I think the second one got a leg, damn that Higuchi, I'll get him for this.

**rofL-copter**

Light: He's escaped Sakura TV

L: This leaves us no other option, we're gonna fly this helicopter right up his ass, Watari, set your marksmanship skills from badass to epic.

Watari: Yes

L: Here Light have a gun, Watari can shoot the wings off a fly and I know capoeira but you're defenseless.

Light: No thanks, guns aren't allowed in Japan.

L: Fine, just don't come crying for me to save you when Higuchi shoots you.

**The car chase continues through the city**

Higuchi: _Hell yeah, this is like Grand Theft Auto, I gotta be up to three maybe even four stars, oh shit ROADBLOCK!_

**rofL-copter**

Light: I thought we told the police not to get involved

L: That's not the police, it's the Afro Brigade

**Cut to Aizawa sitting in a police car.**

**Higuchi stops his car and does a 180 only for his wheel to be shot out by Watari from the helicopter. Higuchi puts the gun to his head**

Higuchi: Stay back all of you or I'll kill myself and you'll never know how I did it!

**That too is shot out by Watari**

Light: It's finally over

L: At long last the Yotsuba arc is over.

**Author's Note: **It's over! Next week evil Light returns.

Okay, to all of you who took the whole, no Death Note after 25 thing seriously, I guess you weren't aware that fans of L or haters of Near (which I am both) sometimes refer episode 25 as "the end of the series." I'll carry on. Not sure if I'm going to do the recap part of Episode 26, I'll determine that when I watch it tonight.

Besides if I stopped at episode 25, you wouldn't get to see the Pokerap or the Pokemon theme song (I haven't forgotten your request Akatsuki Ferret) or the other ones I've had written forever but put off using because they're about part 2 characters.

_**Boogiepop Shippuden **__By the way, were you calling me nee-san?  
'Cause I'm a boy._

I was merely referring to what Kon's habit of referring to Rukia as that

_And since you hate Near's victory..please change it.  
Have Light use the scrap of paper in his watch to activate his Bankai and pwn them all._

The working idea is to come up with a few different endings and let you all vote on them

_Walking around in underwear, is that an Eureka Seven joke?  
Lol!  
By the way, do we know that Espada tea is magic?  
Sure they have no water in Hueco Mundo, but maybe they're just getting all their water from the real world.Or maybe they get their tea from Walmart?  
Anyway I love this story!_

I don't remember when I said anything about underwear. And at any rate regardless of where they get it from, Ulq can still drink it despite having a hole in his neck

_So they really are swearing?  
I thought it just sounded that way?_

What I posted for the first episode they use it is the official correct translation as far as I know

_Imcannedfruit Lol, I read My Immortal (or tried to, anyway), and it all makes sense! You got the inspiration for MisaSpeak from the author, right?_

I got the inspiration from her, that I did.

Also my beloved readers, the new season of anime in Japan has started. All you subbies out there rejoice at the new crop of animated wonder.

So far I'm following the following (ouch redundancy) and recommend you all do the same.

**Code Geass R2**: really a must, Death Note with mechs! Next week the dub starts on as too! ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!

**Macross Frontier:** This is the first Macross I'm watching, so far it's pretty good, I love Ranka's mood reacting hair!

**Soul Eater**: Kinda generic shoneny, more Shinigami, but the fights are good and it's ecchi, I loves me a good ecchi!

**Kyouran Kazoku Nikki-** Funny dysfunctional family, if it doesn't work the world ends. Normal guy, insane cat girl, robot, lion, okama, and a moe girl.

**Kure-nai-** This one's kinda slow, but it looks interesting, Kurenai is a dispute resolver (basically means he goes and beats people up for his clients) and a high school student who gets a job to guard the kidnapped spoiled daughter of a rich family.

That's all I'm following so far if I see something else that's good, I'll let you know, read and review


	26. Episode 24

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

In honor of Light regaining his memory, new theme song!

**Kira Guy**

_It seems today that all you see,_

_Is that this world is rotting, how can that be?_

_Don't you just wish those who are rotting it, would just up and die?_

_Lucky Light's again our Kira Guy!_

_Lucky he's once more the man who,_

_Through all his schemes plans to,_

_Kill Ryuzaki, and make his fangirls cry!_

_He's…our…Ki…ra…Guy!_

**Episode the 24****th****: **The Revival of Death Note from it's Yotsuba induced coma

Soichiro: Ryuzaki, I'm going up to the delivery man now, do you have the tip?

Mogi: Ryuzaki gave me the tip, I'll meet you at his car.

L: Good work men, it's taken 3 long weeks and a high profile police chase but we finally got that damn pizza guy. Watari, if he tries to make a break for it with the one with mushrooms on it.

Watari: Understood I will shoot, to stop him but not damage the pizza if he falls.

**Soichiro walks past Afro cop.**

Soichiro: Aizawa do you have a couple bucks to chip in?

Aizawa: I do.

Soichiro: Good you can split a pie with me.

Aizawa: Yes sir, you can count on me to help you chief.

Soichiro: Higuchi put the pizza above your head and get out of the car.

**Higuchi exits car without pizza.**

Mogi: We've got him but there doesn't seem to be any pizza.

Light: Wait pizza is that why we're bringing him in? Shit it's been so long since the last episode I can't remember, put a headset on him, maybe he knows.

L: Higuchi, why are we arresting you? Tell me! If you aren't going to talk, I'll use whatever means necessary to get it out of you.

Higuchi: The notebook

L: That horrid movie? You made that? Damn that is a good reason.

Higuchi: No, it's because I have a magic notebook that kills people, I'm Kira.

L: _It's a good thing no one has noticed my severe short term memory loss. And with Naomi dead no one exists from one of my past cases to tell them about it!_

Soichiro: Hey this must be it, I guess it's the book, not the movie script, well a chapter or two couldn't hurt…Aah! Aah!

L: What is it Mister Yagami? Did the ending leave you unfulfilled?

Soichiro: It's a monster!

L: Oh come on, Nicholas Sparks isn't that bad an author, calm down, you don't know what that invisible gun is capable of.

**Soichiro pulls hand without a visible gun in it out of pocket**

Soichiro: It's not that it's a real monster!

Mogi: Are you alright?

Soichiro: Mogi can't you see that horrible thing over there!

Mogi: Chief I don't think Johann Liebert has ever been to Japan. **Touches Death Note. **AAH! AHH!

Light: What's wrong?

Soichiro: That thing, it seems only people who have touched the notebook can see it!

L: It might be laced with a hallucinogenic, please bring it over.

Mogi: Good thinking, you can test to see if there's anything wrong with it.

L: Naw, I just wanna trip out.

Rem: _This is the person who's given you so much trouble Light Yagami? This is the man that forced you to give up possession of the Death Note? I thought you were intelligent._

Mogi: Come ride the magic schoolbus with us Ryuzaki.

**L grabs Death Note**

L: Dude, I am freaking the fuck out. There's some powerful shit on this notebook. It's like my mind is going a mile a minute. _Really fast whispered thoughts._

Light: Ryuzaki quit hogging the hallucinogens! I wanna trip balls too!

L: _Dude I so hope there's another one of these, I wanna experience this shit again after it wears off. Hey my buzz feels a little off. _**Notices Death Note is no longer in his hands. **Dude, where'd the notebook go?

**Turns to Light who is standing with his mouth gaping wide open.**

Light: SANDROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

**All of Light's memories of his time as Kira and the memories every role every played by Brad Swaile come back to him at once.**

Light:….pant….pant…pant.

L: That shit's pretty strong ain't it Light?

Light: Ryuzaki, I wanna see what's in here, see if we can reproduce this feeling without the notebook.

L: That's some smart thinking, Light.

Light: _Suck it bitch, I've won__,____**JUST. AS. PLANNED.**_

**And now a flashback to show just how brilliant it all was.**

Light: Here's a Note, happy birthday.

Rem: Giving me back something that was once mine, you really are an asshole.

Light: But you already have a notebook so you give it to Ryuk.

Rem: But it's my present.

Light: DO IT!

Rem: Fine here

Light: And now you've given Ryuk a present for his birthday, but Ryuk, notebooks make you bored, so you drop it on the ground in the human world.

Ryuk: I like this one, it smells like apples.

Light: Why are you both being so difficult today? I'll get you apples later, just drop it already.

**Ryuk drops Note**

Light: Now I have the Note and I can give it back to Rem for her birthday next year.

Ryuk: Woah hang on, you actually plan to just keep regifting the same thing over and over?

Light: Exactly and now I never have to spend a dime on either of you. And it works the other way too, take this Note Ryuk, happy birthday, then since you don't need one you'll give it to Rem, then Rem will give it back to me.

Ryuk: Dammit to hell he's right, here.

Light: Now let's make this fun, Rem I want you to give it to someone who wants status and power for his birthday, and I'll give you a second present, Misa will be released from confinement, but in return for putting Misa back in my life you need to get me another present, does that sound fair to you?

Rem: At least you're getting me a real present now.

Light: Make it apples so that I don't have to buy any for Ryuk.

Rem: Alright to save Misa I will do as you ask.

Light: After this, I'll go pretend that I might me gay

Ryuk: That'll sure be hard.

Light: I'll relinquish the Note there, and then you can go off and have filler adventures like you've always wanted. During this time, the person who received the Note as a birthday present will make use of it and people will start to die again. Once that happens Ryuzaki will remember that I was under suspicion of being Kira and that I can't possibly be Kira, he'll keep me locked up a few more days for making him forget about the investigation but will eventually release me. Having lost my memories I will attempt to capture Kira with them, and plenty of Yaoi bait will follow during a brief low in the series.

Ryuk: So then when you capture the guy with the Note, you'll get your birthday present for me back.

Light: Exactly, then to ensure I don't have to buy him another present I'll kill him, but there's still one problem.

Rem: If you don't have ownership you're memories of your awesome plan will only remain as long as you are in contact with the notebook.

**Flashback end.**

Light: _I've got to kill Higuchi, I don't ever want to forget something that brilliant ever again. Luckily I keep a piece of Note in my watch, I just have to pull this 4 times in less than a second._

**Light pulls it in obviously more than a second.**

Light: _A Dragonball Z second that is, now to bleed myself to write the name, gotta try not to yelp, must bite tongue. _Oww.

L: What was that?

Light: I said, uh, hey is that another monster over there?

L: Dude this shit is trippy.

**Light finishes name**

Light: I can't figure out what's in here, forensics'll have to have a look at it.

L: I ain't sharing it's mind altering power with some lab rats!

Light: Yeah you're right.

**Waiting for Higuchi to die.**

Light: _If I didn't know Rem was a Shinigami I might think there actually was something on this notebook, time is moving soooooooooo slow._

Soichiro: Ryuzaki, Higuchi's-

Light: What the Hell? What's going on, we can't lose Higuchi now.

Soichiro: There's nothing we can do, his head has SPLODED.

Light: _Yes, YOUR HEAD ASPLODE! Your head is next Ryuzaki._

**Commercial Bump**

_**Jokes So Bad That They Should Be Killed By the Death Note**_

_What is Teru Mikami's favorite video game?_

_OKAMI!!_

_2) How many SPK members does it take to screw in a light bulb?_

_Just one, but they cut the scene out for time constraints in the anime making Near look psychic._

**End Commercial Bump**

**Chillin with Rem in the Investigation HQ while L uses the security cameras to watch Misa, pervert.**

Aizawa: It says the person whose name is written in this notebook shall die. If the cause of death is not specified the person's head will simply ASPLODE. I wonder if my Afro would explode as well? Oh wait, it seems there are two more rules on the back. If you make this Note unusable by burning it, then all those who have touched it will suffer acute testicular torsion.

Matsuda: Even women?

Aizawa: Yes even women.

Light: _That's right with a rule like that the Note's safety is guaranteed. Which means my memories will remain_

**Flashback.**

Ryuk: Rem there's no way Davey Jones'll get mad at us if we put some fake rules in here, will he?

Rem: No I shouldn't think so, anyways as long as we stay on land we should be fine.

Ryuk: Fine Light I'll do it, but I want this applesauce thing I've been hearing about for this.

**End Flash**

Matsuda: Oh man, I'm not exactly sure what that is but anything involving my balls can't be good.

Soichiro: The Spermatic Cord twists cutting off blood supply, in short your testicles will die after immense pain.

Matsuda: I'd like to avoid that at all costs.

Aizawa: And then there's this last one, once you've started writing names you can't stop for more than 13 days or you will die.

Matsuda: Wait a minute that means Light and Misa Misa are innocent because they are still alive.

Aizawa: Hey that's right, they were detained for over 50 days, they'd be dead by now.

L: Rem isn't it? That's your name right, the white thing over there.

Matsuda: Ryuzaki, isn't that a bit rude, oh what no it's okay if you say to each other cuz you're both w-h-i-t-e.

Rem: It's not the n-word, moron. What do you want?

L: There's more than one notebook in the world isn't there.

Rem: Who knows, it's a big place.

L: And these notebooks, they really aren't hallucinogenic devices?

Light: _You're still hung up on that?_

Rem: No, they just let you see Death Gods.

Aizawa: Ryuzaki, I know you're disappointed that we can't get high off the Note, but could you at least focus on what's important? Light and Misa are innocent, this proves it. No more surveillance is necessary.

L: Sigh, I suppose. This is a real buzzkill. Just when I was starting to have fun.

Light: Would it be okay if we kept investigating without the handcuffs on?

L: That's the first heterosexual thing you've said all series.

Light: _I'm free, L's got nothing else on me, it's a book of rules written by a Shinigami, how can he go against it? And now, something I've been waiting to do for 10 episodes. _**Red Kira hair transformation sequence GO!**_ God creates the rules and I am God, now you will be punished for defying me, prepare to die._

**A farewell to Misa.**

Misa: 1337 b shure to call Misa every day!

Matsuda: I can't believe we have to say goodbye, finally I had someone on the same mental level to talk to.

Aizawa: Come on let's go get you refitted for the electric shock collar.

**Drags Matsuda away.**

Light: Misa I got you a present, it's something you have to go dig up, but you have to make sure no one is watching.

Misa: _A gift for me? Why how thoughtful of you Light, and a scavenger hunt as well, how delightfully entertaining. My afternoon shall surely be most enjoyable._

**At the dig site Misa's memories return.**

Misa: _Light, you have returned my Death Note to me, what an amazing present, now I can go back to judging the wicked of the world. I will make this world to your liking my beloved. _**Something falls out. **_What is this? A love letter? A card? It could be from Light, I should read it with haste._

Light's voice: Misa remember Orlando Bloom from school? He grabbed your ass. Anyway I want you to right his real name down and kill him. Then grab some pages and rebury the Note. I need it there for Ryuk's birthday. If you can do this for me, I promise to love you…

Misa: 4EVA! Yaiz! _Now I see Light, this was all part of your brilliant scheme. I must use this Death Note to cutt the thread that binds Orlando Bloom to the mortal plane, also known as Ryuzaki, head of the investigation force. Light's biggest obstacle will tumble, and I shall be most useful to him at long last! Alas! Tis of no use, for you see Light, I no longer possess Orlando Bloom's true moniker within my memory. I was seeing great multitudes of name, how could I possible remember just one? _Oh Noez! Eyem such an iddyot!

Ryuk: Hey bitch get your hands off my birthday present!

Misa: O! Ryu! Eyem sew glad 2 see j00, itz been sew long! **Hugs Ryuk**

Ryuk: OFF! **Becomes transparent and drops Misa. **Sorry, I'm not the touchy feely type.

**Misa used apple, it's Super Effective!**

Misa: 1337 told Misa to give j00 this.

**Ryuk greedily eats it.**

Misa: Iz it rly dat good?

Ryuk: Hell yeah, it's so juicy! For a comparison have a Shinigami apple.

Misa: Dis is a pepper.

Ryuk: A what?

Misa: A pepper, dere spicy, nut juicy. Now make teh I deal wiff Misa.

Ryuk: A pepper huh?

Misa: Hmmhmm

Ryuk: You mean all this time, I've been eating peppers thinking they were apples?

Misa: Eye know, dat's rly sad, but at least now j00 know the difference.

Ryuk: I'm gonna freaking kill Armonia Jastin when I see him for telling me they were apples.

**Back at the investigation center.**

Matsuda: Hey it's Misa Misa, did she come to see L balance an ice cream cone on two fingers?

**Cut to L holding an ice cream cone on two fingers.**

Soichiro: Light go see your woman, putting work first is how I lost your mother.

Light (under breath): If only it were that easy

Rem: _Why is Ryuk here? I thought he went on vacation? Wait a minute, Misa's life span has been halved again. No, did she tell Ryuk we've all been lying to him about the apples/peppers? Misa you fool, no one is safe from his wrath now._

Misa: Hey 1337. Papercut!

Light: Oww…dammit Misa,oh hey Ryuk.

**Ryuk cackle.**

Misa: 1337, Eyem sew sorry, Eye forgot Orlando Bloom's name.

Light: Oh…well…uh…that….sounds bad.

Misa: But donut worry, Eye did teh I deal wiff Ryu!

Ryuk: _That papercut's just the beginning, everyone will pay for making me eat peppers._

Light: Look can you just stop talking, we'll get you diction lessons I promise.

Misa: Eye just wunt to b useful 2 j00 1337!

Light: Misa, all I want is to enjoy a long life where I don't have to listen to you murder the English language. That's just how I feel.

Misa: 1337 Eyem sew hoppy.

Light: Let's create a new world, together, it will be a place with perfect grammar, were only people who can spell live okay?

Misa: Yeah

**Author's Note: **Episode 24, next time is LaDIES Night! **Sob **It's summer vacation, at least for me so hopefully I'll have more time now.

Next Saturday on AS will be the debut of Teru Mikami if I'm not mistaken and he plans to greet us with a laser light show.

Sadly the debut of Mikami also means we're coming down the home stretch of Death Note's dub run. What will replace it? I don't know, I heard rumors AS had the rights to Busou Renkin, but we'll probably just get the return of Saturday Night Comedy.

In other licensing news, D. Grayman has just been acquired by FUNimation, the announcement said 2009, so the dub is a ways off, but I just caught up with it's Japanese broadcast and this has me exicted.

Reviews- If yours are good they could be here!

**BoogiepopShippuden**___  
Oh and the underwear thing, Its in chapter 20 Episode 18 when Aizawa had to take off his pants to pass through the metal detector. He said "What can't a man walk around in his underwear in his own home?" It reminded me of what Holland said to Renton in an episode of Eureka Seven._

I recall that now, maybe it was, I don't know, might be though I'm fairly fond of Crispin Freeman.

_  
And I can't wait to see what Mello does with the Death Note. Is he going to kill Hershey's employees and have them send him free candy or something.  
_

Maybe….

_  
And the bump in this episode was awesome, Mayuri and Orochimaru teaming up! That sounds so awesome. They'd make a scary team._

Yes, yes they would.

**AishiExcel**

_  
Oh, yah, and I watched 26 last night... I'm freaking scared of what Mello's voice is going to sound like... And I feel ripped off. Half an episode of recap?  
_

The scariest recap episode ever, also Light's a bastard at he end, wiping out L's record.

**Konohamaru**

_FEAR THE ONE FOOT WALL-BOX WITH EYES! Anyway, I know where you live and I will break into your house with my brain ninja powa's and burn all your clothes if you don't make more abridged QUICKLY! ha ha ... me evil.. I'm waiting to see what you gunna do with L's death, it better be funny or you can say goodbye to your clothes being un-burnt. I luv this. It's such a good idea. And I am not preticularly fond of Near myself.. cuz he says he better then L WHICH IS NOT TRUE!_

ALSO, ME YOUR #1 FAN! HAHAHA!

Burn my clothes? You'll have to catch me first, and no one is faster than me because I have Radical Good Speed!

See you all at LaDIES Night, fangirls drink free.


	27. Episode 25

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Episode the 25****th****: **Silent Night, LaDIES Night

**A long time ago a old man stood next to a young orphan in front of a mansion, in the present day that old man now watches computers.**

Watari: Ryuzaki, is something wrong?

L: I just realized we totally ripped that opening scene off of Batman

**Probably sometime later while investigating.**

L: Hey someone tore off a piece of this notebook, can you use the Death Note as a tissue?

Rem: I can't say, I've never had a need to and I don't know of anyone who's tried.

L: Then let me ask you this, do you like apples?

Rem: We don't need to eat, our internal organs have degraded, we've "evolved" beyond the need for food.

L: Light, does that sound like bullshit to you? I mean, she uses the word "degrade" which implies the breaking down of something, then calls it "evolution" which implies that she's somehow improved. Do the polar opposites of that statement strike you as odd?

Light: I suppose, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's lying, I mean degrading something negative could still be an improvement. But anyway aren't you just asking that because you're concerned she'll steal your apple pie or a candy apple or something?

L: You've caught me.

**Epic staredown.**

**Later at Misa's place where she's changing.**

Light's voice: _Right now I'm in no position to judge criminals, that's why I need you to dress up like a gothic Lolita and sing. I know it doesn't make sense, but it will be creepy cool and eat up some screen time._

**Muzick tyme wiff Meesa!**

_Be careful what you do, because God is watching your every-RICKROLL!_

_We're no amateurs with the Note_

_You've read the rules and so have I!_

_A Shinigami eye deal's what I'm thinking of,_

_Just see their faces and they will die!_

_I just wanna let you know I'm cleaning,_

_Gotta make the world fit to be my Light's land!_

_Never gonna give ownership up,_

_Never gonna let the world down,_

_Never again will Kira desert you,_

_I'm gonna make them die,_

_Make those bad guys say goodbye,_

_Once they're dead they won't hurt you._

_I'll do the judgments from now on,_

_Sure my writing's not as awesome, instead I try, to look sexy,_

_In the second half I will wear is a thong,_

_From now on I'm just fanservice but I guess I'll take it,_

_And if you think I'm not devoted,_

_Don't tell your too blind to see,_

_Never gonna give ownership up,_

_Never gonna let the world down,_

_Never again will Kira desert you,_

_I'm gonna make them die,_

_Make those bad guys say goodbye,_

_Once they're dead they won't hurt you._

_I'll do the judgments from now on,_

_Sure my writing's not as awesome, instead I try, to look sexy,_

_In the second half I will wear is a thong,_

_From now on I'm just fanservice but I guess I'll take it,_

_I just wanna let you know I'm cleaning,_

_Gotta make the world fit to be my Light's land!_

_Never gonna give ownership up,_

_Never gonna let the world down,_

_Never again will Kira desert you,_

_I'm gonna make them die,_

_Make those bad guys say goodbye,_

_Once they're dead they won't hurt you._

**After that rousing musical number we head back to the investigation headquarters.**

Soichiro: While we were busy hiding our heads in shame at the thought of having been rickrolled, criminals started dying again!

Aizawa: Damn that Rick Astley, doesn't he know or care he's embarrassed millions!

Matsuda: I love that song!

Soichiro: It's safe to say that this could mean Matsuda's the one responsible for downloading all that easy listening on our Limewire.

Light: No, I don't think that Matsuda would attempt to do anything that could remotely be construed as illegal given his Kira worship, I think that it was just a prank by Ryuzaki.

Aizawa: Dammit, I leave and you guys finally install a free music downloading service, you know I have the most iPods out of all of us!

Matsuda: Free? It can't be right, you guys are going to Hell!

Light: It was you wasn't it Ryuzaki?

L: _I must attempt to look stern and serious while holding this adorable cracker with a panda on it…hehe panda._

Rem: _It has to be Misa._

L: This music appeared after Misa was set free didn't it?

Light: Ryuzaki are you still going on about that? She has nothing to do with this.

L: Make up you mind will you? Half the time it's okay to suspect Misa and you, half the time I'm just being crazy ol' Ryuzaki with his crackpot theories. What do you just wake up and decide "today I want to be a martyr?" **Breaks cracker. **Look you've made me break my panda cracker. Now I have to eat it before it crumbles to dust. **Bite. **_The Shinigami insisted it didn't know about this torn piece of paper, but still it could explain why Higuchi's head suddenly 'sploded. Then there's that 13 day rule, Light and Misa are still alive, that's the only problem with my assertion that they are Kira, and I can't be wrong, there that's enough serious plot developing thinking for now, I'll finish this case later, I've got all the time in the world._

Light: Ryuzaki, I've been thinking can we even legally convict the person who's killing people?

Matsuda: Duh of course we can, we've got the book, we can prove it!

Aizawa: Or at the very least hold a private execution.

L: Convictions? Legality? Who worries about stuff like that, when I arrest Kira I'm gonna put one between his eyes, just like I'm gonna do to the person who put all that crap on our Limewire.

Rem: _What are you thinking Light? Misa is Kira AND put the music on the computer, Ryuzaki is gonna be really pissed. What are you planning to do? Oh…shit…that's your plan, oh fuck you! You little piece of shit, you know I'll do anything to save Misa and now the only thing I can do is make Ryuzaki's head Asplode. And if I kill Ryuzaki, I'll turn into the spirit particles that make up Soul Society just like Jealous._

Light:_ Pwnt, bitch. You care for Misa, a mistake I never intend to make. Curse your fate! Curse it I say!_

**Commercial Bump**

_**Ryuk's Filler Adventures!**_

_Wanna know what everyone's favorite Shinigami was doing during the Yotsuba arc? Of course you do!_

_My source of apples and Nintendo games cut off for the time being I resolved to travel this planet and see just how interesting humans can be._

_Stop 1: Connecticut. I spent the first leg of my trip in the apple orchard/home of Dr. Elliot Reid. Her sexual fantasy of encountering a Latino apple thief in the orchard sounded promising until I found out it didn't actually involve apples at all! At first I thought she was afflicted with the same speech issues as Misa, but I soon learned she was just squeamish about talking about genitalia. Watching her mental breakdowns and crying in the closet after encountering Dr. Cox (almost as big a jerk as Light), was absolutely hilarious. Humans sure are interesting._

**End Commercial Bump.**

**And now for the foreshadowing.**

**Light encounters L in the rain.**

Light: What the hell are you doing?

**L holds up a hand to his ear**__

Light: What the hell are you doing? Do you want pneumonia?

**L holds up a hand to his ear**

**Light reluctantly enters the rain.** What the hell are you doing in the middle of a rainstorm?

L: Matsuda must have taken my key, I've been locked outside for hours.

Light: Then why were you pretending not to hear me?

L: I just wanted to ruin your dress shirt.

Light: Jokes on you I took it from your closet.

L: Really? I have a dress shirt? How did you get past the monster?

Light: Monster, you think there's a monster in your closet?

L: Of course, why else would I wear the same outfit every day, I'm terribly frightened the monster will come and devour me if I venture inside.

Light: Well that's just preposterous, there's no such thing as monsters, well barring the Shinigami, but at any rate there definitely isn't one in your closet, I'm living proof of that.

L: I suppose you're right, unless you're in league with it.

Light: What's that supposed to mean?

L: Tell me Light, how did it make you feel when you discovered I had nice clothes. Did you lust for them? To feel the smooth cotton caress your skin? Did you want them? Want them enough to let the monster kill me for them?

**Staredown.**

Light: Where is this coming from Ryuzaki? I do admit I like to wear comfortable clothes that look nice, however find me one person in this world who doesn't want to do so, it wouldn't be easy. Human beings are made to crave such creature comforts, everyone is envious from time to time, however I've always made a conscious effort not to let my urge for style hurt others, that's my answer.

L: I'm just bullshitting you, I stole some of your clothes and put them in my room cuz I thought you'd do something like that, it is your shirt.

Light: You son of a bitch, I was wondering wear I put my new shirt too.

**The scene that launched a thousand slash fanfics…err a thousand MORE slash fanfics.**

L: Well I'm soaked.

Light: Shut up, you just sat in the rain for hours voluntarily to wreck my shirt. This is dry clean only.

L: You're right, I'm sorry.

Light: Ya right, hey what are you doing?

L: Please let me touch your feet.

Light: This is getting weird please stop.

L: Stop trying to fight it Light, you want it, I want it, fandom wants it…

Light: Fine do what you want.

L: I knew it, you are gay!

Light: Hey!

L: The cat's out of the bag now Light.

**Light starts to wash L's face.**

Light: But at least you are too…

L: No, once again just bullshitting you, but now you can finally see the elephant in the living room. I won't tell anyone your secret, after all, you and I will be parting ways soon. **Cell phone. **Excellent, come on Light it's time to go to your coming out party.

**Back at the main control room.**

Matsuda: Hey Ryuzaki, you still aren't sore about me borrowing your keys are you?

L: Watari, excellent work thank you.

Watari: Not at all, I'm just surprised I could throw it together on such short notice.

L: Have "it" transported immediately.

Light: Ryuzaki you said you'd keep it a secret, you said you wouldn't tell anyone I was gay.

L: And I didn't, I was merely talking about testing the Note, you decided to tell everyone that yourself.

Aizawa: You can't be serious there's no way that Light is gay!

Matsuda: And why aren't you talking to me? Are you giving me the silent treatment?

L: You heard it yourself, Light fully admitted to being a flaming homo.

Soichiro: But still, I can't belie-

L: You only do not believe because you don't want to, all the signs were in front of you from the beginning.

**Watari collapses**

Watari: Forgive me, Master Bruce.

L: Watari!

**HEAD ASPLODE!**

Aizawa: Data Deletion what the hell is going on?

L: It is clear we are under attack by powerful force.

Aizawa: powerful force?

Matsuda: A Virus type Digimon?

L: Where is the Shinigami?

Aizawa: I DON'T KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Soichiro: What's going on?

L: Everyone I know exactly what is happen-

**L falls to the ground with Light on top of him.**

Matsuda: He really is gay!

**L's HEAD ASPLODES!**

Light: Hey Ryuzaki, come on. It's just a flesh wound right? Tis but a scratch?

Soichiro: Light, there's no way he's aliv-

Light: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! We're gonna die! It'll be us next! Where are you Shinigami? Somebody get me my Gundam!

Soichiro: Stop it Light, you don't have that in this anime!

Light: I'm gonna fly it straight down your throat, come on out!

Soichiro: We'd better go too, Quatre's nothing without his backup.

Matsuda: Right.

Aizawa: Mogi, take over for me, I'm the only other one of us who's actually voiced a Gundam character.

Mogi: Okay

**Light steals Note from Rem's corpse.**

Light: Damn someone already got her!

Soichiro: What the hell she became a sandbox?

Light: I swear Ryuzaki, I will avenge you. I will kill enough Shinigami to construct a memorial beach for you.

Soichiro: Light, you've gotten back into the right character.

Aizawa: Good thing too, I wasn't in Wing so I might not have been able to handle it. If you had gone to the original Mobile Suit I would have known what to do.

Matsuda: Guys I think this plan has a minor difficulty, how are we gonna kill Shinigami?

Light: Matsuda, you have a point, on second thought let's just catch Kira.

Matsuda: I'm sorry for being-hey you actually listened to me? Yes I foresee bright things in my characters future! My days as Butt Monkey are over!

Light: _You just caught me in a good mood Matsuda, now that I have no more obstacles, I am finally God! But rest assured, more suffering is en route for you!_

**Author's Note: **So tragic, L is dead! I had a little fun with the Voice Acting history of the characters (well more than just my usual Brad Swaile being Quatre) so sorry if those went over your heads.

On the topic of Gundams this episode is also dedicated to the tragic loss of 00's L, Lockon Stratos who was tragically cut down at the end of its season this March.

Rock on L, Rock on Lockon.

As for Misa's song in the episode I actually hadn't initially intended to use "Never gonna give you up" My original plan was to use the "God is watching everything you do" song from Drawn Together, but I decided on this instead.

Next update is the Scariest Recap Episode ever/Really Dead montage. Until then keep reading and reviewing.


	28. Episode 26

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

**Episode the 26****th****:** The Scariest Recap Episode Ever.

**I wanted to be the very best like no one ever was…**

L: _Although this was announced as a worldwide broadcast I really only played it in the Kanto region of Japan. Kira's response made it clear that this was where he was and so I packed up my bags and resolved to catch him and all 150 Pokemon. I was disappointed to learn that Pallet Town does not actually exist so Professor Oak could not give me a starter. In retrospect I doubt he would have given me one anyway since I am in my mid twenties and Pokemon are issued as 10__th__ birthday presents._

**It's An Inside Job**

_Later I was to find out that Kira had access to police information, I concluded that either a policeman or his family was Kira and ordered the KGB to investigate the Japanese police. I was disappointed to learn that the KGB no longer existed due to the fall of the Soviet Union some 15-20 years prior. _

**Settling for Second Place**

_After brushing up on recent important events in history I settled for the FBI, and on December 14__th__ 12 of them entered Japan, though we twice avoided unlikely number 13 the mission was still doomed to failure. On December 19__th__, Kira began having fun with the criminals, taunting me with catchphrases to cereal commercials. Additionally this was to figure out how much control he could have over criminals, therefore Kira must have been someone who was under investigation during that time period. _

**Serves Her Right for Being a Woman in Death Note**

_Naomi Misora, a background character I had previously worked with died. She had come to Japan with her fiancé, Ray Penbar. Not content with a little supporting cast screentime, she just had to get her own episode. She must have encountered Kira, who put an end to her delusions of being an important character._

**I will place security cameras….and WATCH THEM!**

_Despite her status as a female, Misora helped me narrow down the case to just those Ray Penbar had been investigating, it was here I first encountered the curious creature known as Light Yagami. I couldn't shake the feeling that he was hiding something, something big, like homosexuality or leading a double life as a murderous knight templar, possibly both._

**I'm the Goddamn Batman, err L.**

_In perhaps the most bold move yet I enrolled in the same university as Light and befriended him. We held an epic tennis duel that would make Ryoma Echizen look like 6 year old in comparison. _

**Ntarrr teh seggund Keera!**

_Kira sent a tape to Sakura TV, naturally it wasn't the real Kira, it was far too base and direct an approach. We lost Ukita, but got to see Soichiro drive a truck into the station and hold J. Jonah Jameson at gunpoint shortly after having a heart attack so it wasn't a complete loss. The resulting drop in manpower led to Light joining the team._

**A Rival Appears.**

_Being the pretentious stuck up genius he is Light instantly outclassed the rest of the team, excluding myself, in intelligence. I also learned of the existence of Shinigami and handled it with the calm, collected manner you would expect._

L: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! **Falls off chair.**

_I concluded that Light and the new Kira would try to meet and tried to prevent such an occurance. It was also during this time Light acquired a girlfriend. Perhaps some correlation exists?_

**I get some action and show off my ill stealing skillz as well.**

_After copping a feel of Misa's ass and stealing her cell phone, I arrested her on suspicion of being the second Kira. I then proceeded to rub it in Light's face when he tried to call her and got me instead. It was also during this time that I gained access to the sideways dream city associated with Zangetsu's home from Bleach. Both Light and I attempted to achieve Bankai, but well it didn't quite work out. _

_Matsuda: That's what she said!_

_L: Who let you mess with my computer equipment? Get out of here! Ahem carrying on._

**Bondage Fetish**

_I tried Misa up and tried to force her to confess, but she was either silent, or well…incoherent. Listening to her speak is like watching the alphabet throw up._

**I might be gay…I said MIGHT BE!**

_In an attempt to distract me Light confessed he might be gay. He wanted me to lock him up until he was sure. Naturally I saw right through this plot of his to get me off the track of Kira and certainly didn't waste 50 days on it._

**Okay so he did trick me, but I totally got him back for it.**

_This part is pretty funny, I made it seem like we were taking him to an Ex-gay camp and then had his dad drive him off into the middle of nowhere to shoot him being ashamed of his gay son. Misa was bawling, Light nearly lost it, it was soo funny. Matsuda pissed his pants laughing, at least I think it was laughing, can't really tell with that guy. I mean he still sleeps with rubber sheets._

**First Rule about Fight Club, You don't talk about Fight Club.**

_Still not convinced he wasn't Kira, and wanting to make his life a living hell, I handcuffed myself to Light. We got into a bit of a scuffle, but I went Capoeira on him and wiped the floor with his ass._

**After here it gets kinda boring.**

_These Yotsuba Guys got a hold of the Death Note, it's really not my proudest case. They just wanted attention and crap._

**You have to die before they kill you; yes that's a legit strategy.**

_Matsuda's blundering got him into trouble, but it gave us the ability to investigate the Yotsuba group directly. His sacrifice would not be in vain, partially because we Cait Sith'd his sacrifice by cloning him. Every group needs a butt monkey. Wait a minute didn't Cait Sith's fake death happen just before one of the cast got killed off for real? Eh it's probably nothing to worry about._

**I'M MISA MISA'S HYPER DIABETIC MANAGER! GIVE ME INSULIN!**

_Due a bizarre misinterpretation of Misa's muddled words, Mogi's character was born. Apparently my "My Fair Lady" lessons didn't work. Now I'll never be able to take her to the Embassy Ball. Bloody Hell._

_Regardless of her butchering of the language she somehow managed to seduce Higuchi into revealing he was Kira. It was a landmark breakthrough because it meant I didn't have to waste much more time on this case._

**Full Metal Murderer**

_We sprung our trap, in his mad bid to kill Matsuda, Higuchi thought he might be a homunculus. This was the first of several poorly explained themes that would dog the next couple episodes. It would be sorta like watching bits and pieces of several different Death Note parodies mashed together, like flipping through channels. I wonder how many times we changed themes those 3 episodes. Let's see I did, FMA, School Days, Aerosmith, and went to a pizza delivery. Damn I was scatterbrained that month._

**It's a magic Notebook that kills people, no really.**

_I can't believe it was all the work of a freaking notebook. It also lets you see Shinigami, having already freaked out once at the mention of Shinigami this time I kept my cool. _

**Gundam References go up 10 fold.**

_The Note had a rule that was awfully convenient, if you didn't write a name every 13 days you'd die. Naturally Light had been locked up 50 days during his little gay incident and was still alive. But I don't believe that for a second._

_And that's all I know about the Kira incident. If you are reading this that means that now I am dead. I hope that I will forever live on in your minds and the OP. _

_I hereby leave you with the following conclusion. Light Yagami is the single gayest person to ever exist on the planet. He's like the love child of Dorian Gray and Liberace. That is all._

Light: Oh fuck you Ryuzaki!

**Light deletes the file.**

**Commercial Bump**

_**Special Deleted Scene: L's Funeral!**_

_**At the funeral ground, L has been buried**_

_Soichiro: Ryuzaki, we couldn't find a pentagram to bury you under as per your faith, and we couldn't get the tombstone guy to turn the cross upside down, but at least this way no one will know you're dead._

_Matsuda: Why couldn't we just clone him? He cloned me!_

_Soichiro: We keep telling you that was just a dream Matsuda._

_Matsuda: But I could feel the test tube! It was so re-_

_Soichiro: IT WAS A DREAM! At any Ryuzaki, you can finally sleep. I know that staying awake all the time really took its toll on you._

_Light: Yes, he was so haggard and sleep deprived by the end he was barely coherent. Standing in the rain, getting so drenched, washing my feet, handcuffing me, I didn't enjoy any of it, but I understood you were only acting that way because you were tired. I definitely didn't revel in those moments due to a secret crush I harbored upon you._

_**Everyone but Light walks away.**_

_Ryuk: So your lover is finally dead huh? He never knew you were flamboyantly gay for him, did he?_

_**Light starts laughing hysterically.**_

_Light: He was the only one with suspicions. Nobody else even dreams it's possible. They all think I'm doing Misa! Who gives a damn if you didn't return any of my feelings L! I can have as many homosexual liaisons as I want now! AS MANY AS I WANT! _

_**Light narrows his eyes.**_

_Light: This confession never happened Ryuk. Remember that. From now on, I will always be Light Yagami, straight male. _

_**A montage of males committing suicide follows.**_

_Light: I will carry on relationships with men in secret…AND THEN KILL THEM SO NO ONE WILL KNOW!_

**End Commercial Bump**

**In the headquarters**

Matsuda: It's been ten days since L's funeral, when is he coming back?

Aizawa: Matsuda just cuz he washed Light's feet doesn't make him Jesus. Ryuzaki's gone and he's never coming back.

Matsuda: Oh so he achieved enlightenment and went on tour with Nirvana?

Aizawa: I don't even know where to begin telling you what's religiously wrong with that statement.

Matsuda: Man these religious rules are complicated, that's why I make it simple and worship Hello Kitty.

Aizawa: Now that we've ruled out a miraculous resurrection, no one else can afford the rent on this place what are we gonna do?

Light: Well using my leet haxxor skillz I should be able to save all the necessary materials by tonight. I've created a voice filter, however I don't think we'll ever use it. Now all that remains is who will take the place of L, where will we work from, and what to do with the Note.

Matsuda: We should consult the bones!

Light: I'm getting sick of this occult bullshit, okay. I'm dating a misguided Satanist, I'm investigating someone who kills people with a magic notebook that lets you see monsters, and my best friend was a witch or Wiccan or whatever. Can we just appoint someone without adding Voodoo to the list?

Aizawa: My afro is telling me that you're the only one who could replace L.

Matsuda: What about an Ouija Board? I don't think Parker Brothers is considered occult.

Light: _Foolish Matsuda, how could the people responsible for Monopoly be involved in anything but the black arts. _Very well, I guess I'm the only one we can rely on. But I'm not gonna be like Ryuzaki, I don't quite feel like taking big risks.

Soichiro: What kind of talk is that! I didn't raise you to be a coward.

Light: Yeah just like when you ran from your marriage?

Soichiro: Okay ya got me, let's play it safe.

Light: I can run the whole investigation from my computer, but in return I want you to put me up for a one bedroom apartment. I'm so sick of that little bitch Sayu.

Soichiro: Fine take me my money. Half goes to your mom, half goes to you, meanwhile I'm living in a **shudders** bachelor apartment.

Matsuda: It's not that bad chief! I'm just a floor down, we're practically neighbors!

Aizawa: It's times like these I'm glad I have Afrowife and Afrokid.

Light: So now we just have to hide the Note. It has to be somewhere no one would ever look.

**Matsuda raises hand.**

Aizawa: Chief, divorced men lead notoriously messy lives it's got to be you. It'll probably disappear under used pizza boxes and dirty clothes.

Matsuda: Yeah, I totally wasn't gonna suggest using drawing straws to solve this one. The chief all the way.

Soichiro: Well I have been meaning to tidy up for a month or two now, I suppose I could leave a corner undone to stash it in.

Matsuda: Don't be so modest chief, I've never seen you pick anything up in the year you've been there.

Soichiro: Matsuda, what happens at the complex STAYS at the complex.

**One apparition of L later, Light and Misa are out on a date.**

Misa: 1337, dis is our first date in 4EVA, j00 need to look more hoppy!

Light: Misa, I'm breaking up with you.

Misa: Dew j00 mean it?

Light: Yeah, I've been meaning to tell you for awhile.

Misa: YAY! WE'RE MOVING IN TOGEVVER! MISA + 1337 4EVA!

Light: No, I'm breaking up with you it's over.

Misa: Oh 1337, Eye jus knew we were meant 2B!

Light: You're just hearing what you want to hear.

Misa: Someday soon, j00 and Misa will B murried! Joined in unholy matrimoaning!

Light: You aren't listening to what I say at all, oh screw it it's not worth it.

**Back at the investigation headquarters, Light stands on the roof in a dramatic wind.**

Ryuk: Hey that didn't go that well with Misa did it?

Light: Nope

Ryuk: So are you two through now or not?

Light: I thought it over and I decided not to end it. There's still some use for Misa. From this moment on she shall be my COVER GIRLFRIEND.

**Light goes on a killing spree, which of course needs some kickass music.**

**Guitar riff starts then devolves into cutesy J-Pop.**

_I brushed against those freckles that I hated so much,_

_But life goes on and I heave a little sigh for you,_

_It's heavy the love that I will share for you,_

_But it dissolved like it was just a sugarcube,_

**Wedy dies in a car wreck.**

_Now the little pain sitting in my heart has shrunken a bit but it really does hurt me now,_

_Those silly horoscopes I guess I can't trust them after all!_

**Aiber dies of liver failure**

_If we could get further away, I wonder what it would be like, YEAH!_

_I'd be so happy inside my heart._

**Yotsuba dies**

_All the memories I have are beautiful in my mind,_

_But they don't feed the hunger deep inside my soul,_

_And tonight I thought I'd be just sitting in my sorrows_

_And now I must wonder why what did it really mean to you,_

_I just can't see it any more, I just can't see it anymore, OH-OOOOOOOOOH-OOOOOOOOOHH!_

_**In April 2012, at the age of 23, Light Yagami came out to Ryuk. That summer Kira's killings increased. In contrast to the Summer of Love experienced after the Seventh Swell phenomenon, this would become known as the Summer of Death. Gradually the nations of the world bowed before Kira. Now look at this shot that clearly implies that in the Death Note universe the Twin Towers were never destroyed. Maybe you should have accepted Kira too? Maybe a great national tragedy would have been averted. That's what you get for your rabid L-fanboy/girlism. You make me sick.**_

**Meanwhile in jolly old England, freshly rebuilt after its destruction by Nazi Vampires nearly 15 years ago.**

Mello: Yo, what the fuck is it Roger? I swear that pot wasn't fucking mine. I'm just holding it for a friend.

Roger: This isn't about your drug problem Mello, it's about L. He's dead.

**Author's Note: **And thus the recap episode ends. Happy Fourth of July to everyone, a day late. It occurs to me that either today or tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of me starting Death Note. Wow a year sure goes by fast.

Death Note was the third anime that I finished well, fourth if you don't count the Naruto fillers and back to third again if you count the Love Hina OVAs as part of the series, and then there's the Hellsing OVA/Incognito mess….OKAY, Death Note was the first anime in which the story that was in the manga was finished in an anime series with no OVAs or fillers that I completed. Confused as I am? Good.

Anyway until next time, take in heat like death pirates. Whatever that means.


	29. Episode 27

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here

WARNING: VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISED. This and any future episodes will contain liberal cursing, on the part of a certain "man" in tight leather pants.

Okay this song fulfills the request AkatsukiFerret made way back in November. Sorry it took so long, but it just wouldn't make sense until now

_Near wants to be the very best,_

_Just like L was,_

_To catch Kira is his real test,_

_But he needs Mello to help his cause,_

_He will travel across the pond,_

_To appeal to America's pride,_

_Each person must have their own doll,_

_So that his plans he can describe,_

_WAMMY HOUSE!_

_Gotta catch Kira,_

_It's Mello and me,_

_I KNOW IT'S OUR DESTINY!_

_WAMMY HOUSE!_

_Ooh, Matt's his best friend,_

_They both beat me up again,_

_WAMMY HOUSE!_

_Gotta catch Kira,_

_We're not as good as L it's true,_

_Dumb luck and Mikami's incompetence will pull us through,_

_If we die the next best orphan's only 2,_

_At WAMMY HOUSE!_

_Gotta catch Kira_

_GOTTA CATCH KIRA!_

_It'll be challenge,_

_Mello made it a race,_

_I will work to catch Kira every day,_

_To rub in his chocolate eating face,_

_Come join me, if you don't value your life,_

_American investigation team,_

_Hopefully we'll win the fight,_

_Heartattacks are not my thing,_

_WAMMY HOUSE!_

_Gotta catch Kira,_

_You'll all see,_

_I'm L's successor I've got to be!_

_WAMMY HOUSE!_

_I won't pretend,_

_Sometimes I still wet my bed,_

_WAMMY HOUSE!_

_Gotta catch Kira,_

_We're not as good as L it's true,_

_Dumb luck and use of the Death Note will pull us through,_

_If we die the next best orphan's only 2,_

_At WAMMY HOUSE!_

_Gotta catch Kira_

_GOTTA CATCH KIRA!_

_WAMMY HOUSE!_

**Episode the 27****th****: **Illegal Alien Abduction

**We pick up EXACTLY were we left off last time.**

Mello: What the fuck was that? Roger? What the fuck did you just say?

Roger: L is dead.

Mello: He's dead? You waste my fucking time with that? You make me sweat balls thinking you've found my secret pot farm…which totally doesn't exist and anyone who says otherwise is a fucking faggot, and then tell me that L bit it? What the fucking fuck man!

Roger: It was Kira

Mello: I don't give a shit! I had fucking Matt start disposing of it. Do you understand you cocksucker? My pot, my precious fucking pot!

Near: Mello, if you're so paranoid, maybe you shouldn't be engaging in illegal activities.

Mello: All right, now I'm fucking pissed, who did L pick? Was it my sexy self, or dipshit over there?

Roger: He didn't say, and now we'll never know. Mello listen, straighten up and fly right, can't you just work with Near?

Near: I'm fine with it.

Mello: Work with that fucking albino! Screw you! Suck my cock! I hate that little prick. Fuck this shit. Near can fucking have the job. I'm leaving and I'm taking Matt with me.

Roger: Wait Mello!

Mello: Fuck you, old man. I'm gonna go to Holland and get high in a fucking windmill. Maybe turn a few dikes straight, I fucking hear Holland's full of bitches.

Roger: He doesn't realize that's not the kind of dikes he's going to encounter there.

Near: No, he doesn't

Roger: Dumbass.

**2012 IN AMERICA!**

Near: Mr. President, I believe that Kira has a notebook that kills people.

President: Oh come on, you can't expect me to believe that.

Near: It's true, right now that notebook is in the hands of the Japanese police. Furthermore the current L is a fake, created by the Japanese police to hide the fact that they let the previous L die.

President: Mr. Director, I have importance business to attend to, why have you brought this child before me.

FBI Director: Because he is an albino and borderline autistic, therefore he has supernatural powers that enable him and only him to capture Kira.

President: Can't argue with that, very well do what you want.

**And so the United States created its own Kira investigation force. It was called the Katch Kira Krew. It was composed of CIA agents and Near.**

**Back in Japan.**

Soichiro: So let's review, it's been 5 years and our investigation has not advanced a single day since L died. I blame Matsuda.

Matsuda: Me? How about blaming our leader Light! Not only have his last few plans seemed to be very pro-Kira, but he lets Misa sit on meetings. Misa! I know my usefulness is suspect, but Misa, come on!

Misa: Hey! I helped catch Higuchi, so we're tied!

Light: And don't you dare question the usefulness of such plans as "post every criminal's name and face online" and "publish 'A Guide on How to Properly Worship Kira'" those plans have been integral to my plan to catch Kira.

Ryuk:You know guys, it's been like five years since I last had an apple.

Light: _The truth is it's just not challenging without L, I can do whatever I want._

Sayako: I still can't believe you managed to teach Misa to speak properly.

Sayu: I'm home.

Misa: Sayu! How's my fellow Satanist doing!

Sayako: I forgot that comprehendible or not Misa is still a bad influence.

Sayu: Misa, you're still with Light? Doesn't the fact that he's…you know bother you?

Misa: I'll have you know Light now only throws up after intercourse!

Sayu: And you must be Matsuda, the one who we put on suicide watch for my father after the divorce.

Ryuk: Apple? Light? Misa? Anyone?

Matsuda: Hi, Sayu. Look I've kept your father alive, will you sleep with me?

Misa: **giggles **Matsu, you have absolutely no tact whatsoever!

Matsuda: I mean…dammit!

Soichiro: Well you can forget it. I'd never let you date Sayu, not after the way you handle yourself at the complex.

Sayako: It's rare that I agree with the man, but I'd never want one of my ex-husbands roomies to date my daughter.

Matsuda: Oh man, I'll never get laid.

Sayu: Oh Matsuda you forgot the most important thing.

Matsuda: What's that.

Sayu: You're like 8 years older than Light, you're ancient!

**Matsuda crashes to the table defeated.**

Light: It's good to see her torment someone else for a change.

Misa: It's an important part of our religion to torment people!

Light: _Don't I know it._

Sayu: Well Light now that you're able to keep your lunch down long enough to sleep with Misa, you too should get married.

Misa: That's a great idea! We should be joined in unholy matrimony!

Ryuk: Seriously somebody feed me!

**Phone rings**

Soichiro: What is it Aizawa? Light, Matsuda we have to go.

**They leave.**

Ryuk: Oh screw all of you!

**In the car**

Light: What's wrong?

Soichiro: My refrigerator was running.

Matsuda: Then we better go catch it!

**They arrive at headquarters**

Soichiro: Are you sure about this?

Aizawa: Unfortunately yeah, we got the call about 45 minutes ago.

Soichiro: Did the kidnappers make any demands?

Aizawa: They did. They want a trade, the refrigerator for the notebook

Light: Who's doing this, for what reason?

Matsuda: Is it Kira?

Aizawa: Oh and pot, they want a lot of pot.

Light: But hold on, isn't your refrigerator where you kept the notebook?

Soichiro: Oh shit, you're right; it's in the vegetable drawer.

Light: _Someone knows about the Death Note, but at least they don't like vegetables so they haven't found it yet. But they might use that drawer for marijuana storage, I have to act fast._

Soichiro: Notify the police but just about the kidnapping.

**Later**

**Soichiro answers phone.**

Soichiro: Has there been a call from the kidnapper?

Phone: No but Director Takimura went to rescue your fridge and got it out, but unfortunately he has come down with Stockholm syndrome and wants pot too. And you have a visitor.

FBI Agent: Hey listen up you yellow bastard. You guys are made of fail, so I want you to hand over the notebook to America. We'll catch the big, bad Kira for you.

Soichiro: So the FBI was behind it! You kidnapped my fridge! Why did you do it?

FBI: What are you talking about.

Soichiro: Don't act like you don't know, I had pizza in there!

FBI: What would the FBI gain by capturing your fridge?

KKK member: What's going on?

Near: By the sound of it, the Deputy Director of the NPA has had his refrigerator abducted by someone. Specifically someone who wants the notebook….and pot. Alright Captain America pass this message on to the NPA, we wish to assist them in rescuing the fridge. We'll take the notebook later.

Rester: Okay, but my name is Rester, not Capt-

Near: YOUR NAME IS CAPTAIN AMERICA! We are the Avengers!

Rester: Attention this is Headquarters, you have new orders.

**A blonde haired man walks into a basement wearing a fabulous jacket and bites into a candy bar.**

Mello: Ahh, shit I got the munchies.

Man: We caught the Director trying to steal some of our stash. Didn't you?

Director: No, I swear I didn't! I'd never steal another man's stash!

Man: Don't give me that shit, I caught you.

Man2: We should kill you now.

Mello: Hey you fucking bitch, didn't we fucking promise to share the ransom with you. But you just had to go and fucking be selfish.

Director: I'm sorry.

Mello: No, it is too fucking late to be sorry. You are now our hostage as well, and will get none of the pot!

Man: Yeah, Mello's justice is always correct in the year since he joined us we've never been long without drugs.

Man2: But if Mello can bring us near endless supplies of grass why does he even need this deal?

Mello: Because, it's not just the pot. I need the fucking notebook too. I have to beat that little pussy Near, by any means necessary!

**Commercial Bump**

_**People who can't be killed via Death Note: Vol 3.**_

_9) Most Disney Villians: They merely fall to their doom._

_10) Most name characters from Baccano!: Immortality, Godhood, and Ladd Russo are all exempt unless the cause of death is written as "Death by Rail Tracer"_

_11) Haibane: Not even the Death Note can figure out whether they are human or not, what the "Day of Flight" is or even if they exist on Earth._

_12) School Days characters: The Death Note refuses to kill them, simply because they kill each other in ways far more gruesome and entertaining than anyone else could come up with._

**End Commercial Bump**

**In Mello's hideout.**

Man: Boss!

Shirtless Man: What did I tell you about cockblocking me? I'm trying to score.

Man: It's the Director he hung himself with a t-shirt somehow.

Shirtless Man: Shit, I was wondering why I only found pants in my clothes drawer today.

Mello: Well we better fix it, our pot is on the line. _It was Kira, it had to be. That bitch wants all the weed to himself. Fuck I've got a serious case of the munchies. _**Bites chocolate.**

Shirtless Man: So what are we gonna do Mello?

Mello: The same thing we do every night, shirtless Mafioso. Kidnap someone and hold them as ransom for drugs!

**At the investigation HQ.**

**Phone rings**

Soichiro: I just got a call from the Director's cell phone! **Answers. **Hello?

Mello: It's 11 o'clock, Soichiro; do you know where your children are?

Soichiro: Of course my son is right here and my daughter is at home.

Mello: Guess again, bitch. All your daughter are belong to us! Give use the fucking weed or we'll kill the bitch. Just like we iced the Director.

Light: _Damn I'm rusty. My first challenge in 5 years and I mess up already. Do I still have what it takes to be a manipulative bastard?_

**Ryuk cackles: **Finally things are getting fun again.

**At Light's mom's house.**

Sayako: Hello? Oh it's you. What do you want Soichiro? I sent you all your shirts….Sayu? You mean she's not with you? It's your custody weekend.

**Investigation HQ**

Soichiro: Sayu…

Light: Dad, did she talk about her new boyfriend and how he's far better in bed than you ever were again? No, it's Sayu she's not there is she. Anyway, my umm gut instinct tells me Kira killed the Director, so we'd better not tell the police or he'll use his magic Kira powers to find out and kill Sayu too.

**At the KKK headquarters.**

Rester: Near I just received word the Director of the NPA is dead.

Near: I told you to call me Nick Fury.

Rester: Err right.

Near: So who killed them?

Rester: The kidnappers duh.

Gevanni: It'd be interesting if it turned out to be the Magneto wouldn't it.

Near: You make a good point, Ironman. It's in Magneto's best interest to ensure that his glider doesn't fall into the kidnapper's hands. The X-men won't trade the helmet if the hostage is dead. By the way Captain America have you been able to determine his whereabouts yet? **Holds up picture of Mello.**

Rester: No, Mr. Fury.

Near: Nick Fury, you say the whole thing.

Rester: No, Nick Fury we did confirm he left the institution 5 years ago though.

Near: Very well that clinches it. Oh Punisher you never change. You always overlook the most important things because you let your emotions get the better of you. Why would you leave your photo behind at the orphanage?

**At the investigation HQ**

Mello on phone: The Mafia has kidnapped your daughter, are you a bad enough dude to rescue your daughter?

Soichiro: What do you mean?

Mello: You've fucking figured out where we are by now haven't you? Shit man, and I thought I was high. Come to L.A., well do this fucking exchange here. And don't forget the fucking pot!

Soichiro: I want to make sure she's still alive, let me talk to her.

Mello: How bout I send you another photo? Got any fetish pics you want?

**Sends photo.**

Soichiro: Maid outfit, how dare they turn my daughter into fetish fuel! I'll take the weed to Los Angeles! It's my decision since it's my week with custody.

Light: Wait we need to plan first, this isn't a fighting shonen. Hell this barely qualifies as shonen.

Soichiro: I'm the action character, I think I get away with it.

**At the KKK HQ**

FBI Director: Wow you really suck at darts.

Near: Shut up, you're ruining my concentration.

**Phone rings: **This is L

FBI Director: It's L!

Light: Will you help us with the investigation into the Director's murder?

Near: Gimme the phone. Hey how's it going Professor X?

Light: Professor X, what?

Near: Yes, and we are the Avengers. Also we know about L's death.

Light: _What? Who the hell told them._

Near: As for me, I am the leader of the Avengers, you can address me as Nick Fury. Yes you have to say the whole name.

Light: _The Avengers? Nick Fury? Who is this guy? Is he joking?_

**Author's Note.**

And so the second half begins at long last. As you probably didn't pick up from the bump, my latest addiction is Haibane Renmei. It's really helped me forget the sad, sad, sad, sad, fuck you Rollo, sad events of last weeks Geass. I actually decided not to finish it before going to sleep tonight and write the second half of this instead, which is a rarity. You should all feel special I chose you over more anime.

Anyway, in a couple weeks they'll be new anime premiering, not on Adult Swim but on SciFi's Animonday. They have Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann (which I saw and loved) and Now and Then, Here and There (which I haven't seen). I won't get to check them out for awhile however, since I'm going on vacation for about 3 weeks soon, without internet. That also means 3 weeks without the ability to make a new Abridged episode, so I might get into 1 or 2 more (read as 0 to 1) before I go.

Continuing SciFi's sweep of pickups, they also got Gundam 00 which will show in like October. Brad Swaile will be playing Gundam Meister Setsuna F. Seiei, the biggest of the main characters.

Now on to reviews!

_**AishiExcel **__This has to be the funniest episode you've done in a while, it had me cracking up, the bit with freckles just about killed me.  
And now the dub on AS ended. What will i do with my saturdays? get a (shudder) Life?  
... Write more. Son, please. Thankyou._

Well they're reshowing the Dub, at least for now. And glad you liked Freckles, its one of the few ideas for this I've had since the very beginning oh so many moons ago.

_**Oreichalcos**__ Yays! This fic is still awesome, even if you're hopelessly behind the English dubz now. And no, Hellsing does not count. That's not considered anime. It's a disgrace. Bow your head in shame for even thinking about including that in a list of anime. The OVA's, however, are awesome. They count._

Hey, with every update I now get one episode closer to the dub! And there's no way I can fall further behind! About Hellsing, if you mean the joke I made, that only happened in the manga, if you mean on my bio page, well I've seen Hellsing in every medium available except for Dawn, Hellsing is just listed once in anime and manga for simplicity. For a more comprehensive list of what I've seen, I'm RadicalGoodSpeed (the one thing my updates don't have) on Myanimelist.

_**Dtecnokira:**__ How did you turn one of the most boring episodes in the series into one of your best chapter yet?  
You are a genius!  
I love it!_

By pointing out every joke that was a one shot as if it were a relevant plot point? I don't know.

Okay so as you all know at some point in the future, this will have to end. And I was wondering what project I should embark upon next. So I'll take suggestions for the successor series to this one, and at some point in the future (probably after I get back from vacation) assess which ones I think I can do and make a poll. So until next time read, review, suggest, and other stuff.


	30. Episode 28

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. According to them I have a .001 chance of ever even getting a manga published, let alone parodied. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here

**Episode the 28****th****: **Impatience, the Emotion Most Often Felt By My Readers

Light: Hey buddy, you haven't said anything for a month, I thought you wanted to talk to me.

Near: Oh are you still there? I had another call I had to take care of.

Light: For one month? Who could you have possibly been talking to for one month? You couldn't just tell me, "Hey L, this is kinda important, I'll call you back later," no you specifically wasted my time, waiting and waiting for him to come back. I don't have a pay as you go plan or rollover minutes or any of that shit, do you know how expensive my phone bill is gonna be?

Near: I was talking to my figurine dealer, I had a custom order that needed to be fulfilled, is the a problem?

Light: Hell no it isn't okay, I'm only trying to run an investigation here. Because of you hundreds more people have been killed offscreen by Kira. Furthermore, there's a kidnapping that we've just been ignoring. What if the kidnappers called to check the ransom? Here you are tying up my phone lines. They're gonna think we don't care, the hostage is probably dead by now!

Near: Wait you've just been sitting next to the phone for a month? Have you showered? Used the bathroom? You must smell like feet wrapped in decaying seafood with a hint of piss. Wow, do I feel bad…I'll tell you what, I was just gonna taunt you anyway about how much your investigation the past 5 years sucked, so I'm gonna hang up now. Yeah, okay so you just uh…get your life and hygiene back in order and we'll continue this later…bye…

Aizawa: Come to think of it Light, we could have taken shifts, we didn't all need to stay here a whole month.

Ide: Okay we only have 1 bathroom so I think the fairest way to decide who gets to shower first is….I CALL SHOWER!

Light: I CALL NEXT!

Aizawa: AFTER HIM

Soichiro: NEXT!

Mogi: ME NEXT!

Matsuda: I call…DAMMIT!

**In the SPK headquarters.**

Rester: Commander Fury, one month for a toy order does seem a bit excessive.

Near: I'm aware of that, however the call itself only took 15 minutes, the truth is I forgot they were on the other line and went back to building a tower out of dice. When that was finished I decided to improve my dart throwing skills since I was doing so horribly last time. Allow me to show you the fruit of my endeavors.

**Back to Light**

Soichiro: Light, at this point I don't care if it costs me my life, please let me go second. To be honest the shower in my apartment broke awhile ago and I've been covering it up with copious amounts of cologne, but I don't think I can take anymore. Promise me I can have your spot.

Light: Stop talking like that dad. You might think you can't take uncleanliness any longer, but have you ever thought about how much more I need that shower? I have a girlfriend who hasn't seen me in a month, and who I've had to child proof my apartment for. Think about Misa, she might have tried to cook something and burned the house down, I have to shower and get over there fast.

Soichiro: Alright.

**At Light's apartment.**

Misa: Light! You're back, I've survived off everything that doesn't need to be cooked just like you said if you ever can't make dinner. See I even managed to keep our bird alive!

Light: Impressive Misa, but I'm still not buying you a dog. It's just far too big a responsibility. And what about the Death Note? You didn't eat that did you?

Misa: Nope! You put it on the top shelf remember? I couldn't reach it no matter how hungry I got!

**After checking their messages and finding out Sayu was in fact still alive the Death Note crew prepared to head to Los Angeles.**

Light: Okay guys we were really fortunate this time, now remember the plan, we're all flying in on separate plans, and flying coach.

Misa: But Light, we have first class tick-

Light: Misa if you're quiet I'll buy you some in flight peanuts.

Misa: YAY!

**Honestly I couldn't think a single joke that would make this next part funny, so let us all have a moment of silence for the loss of Aizawa's afro.**

…**.**

**Okay now let's rejoin them as Soichiro is boarding the plane.**

Soichiro: _My Gaijin sense is tingling_

Tall Blonde Haired man: Hello, Mr. Yagami

Soichiro: Are you one of the kidnappers?

Man: Oh so just cuz I'm a foreigner and I know who you are I have to be a kidnapper!

Soichiro: Are you?

Man: Yes…

Aizawa: I see the kidnapper should I arrest him?

Light: No, we need to see where Sayu is.

Aizawa: They're getting on a different flight than planned, I should tell the gate I'm a police officer and force my way on.

Light: Did you shave off your common sense or your afro?

Aizawa: Apparently the two are one and the same.

**In the air.**

Tower: Excuse me, you're not on you're flight path.

Pilot: Don't worry this is just a detour.

Tower: A detour! What is it?

Pilot: It's a route around a planned area of prohibited or reduced access, but that's not important right now.

Tower: Surely you can't be serious

Pilot: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

Matsuda: Uhh, Light, the plane left it's flight path and they said they're gonna drop off a passenger, it can only be your father.

Light: Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop smoking. **Picks up phone. **Hello N?

Near: That's not my name L. What did I tell you to call me?

Light: Hello….Nick Fury.

Near: Oh L, what can I do for you.

Light: There's a problem involving the plane, I need you to tell the police not to do anything.

Near: The plane! What is it?

Light: It's a big object that flies and looks kinda like a giant Tylenol with wings, but that's not important now.

Near: Okay L, call us if there's anything you need, I just want to let you know we're all counting on you.

**Meanwhile on the plane.**

Man: Put this in your ear.

Soichiro: In flight movies suck.

Man: It's from Mello.

Soichiro: OH!

Mello: Hey what's up motherfucker? It's your boy Mello and my heterosexual life partner Silent Matt. I'm the one who kidnapped your daughter, but don't get me wrong, I have no fucking interest in fucking your daughter, I mean whether she lives or dies…yeah cuz I'd totally hit that. What the fuck are you shaking your head at Silent Matt? I totally love the ladies, Mello gets all kinds of action. Fuck you! Ahem, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by that chatterbox, I want the Notebook. All you have to do is follow my instructions, and we'll all go home happy and stoned out of our minds. So just play along and they'll be no problems.

Soichiro: _I'm going to give the notebook to some pothead in exchange for my daughter's life? I've got to concentrate (echo: concentrate, concentrate)…echo (echo, echo) Pinch Hitting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota (Mota Mota)_

**Commercial Bump**

_**Light's Answering Machine.**_

_Beep: Yo, hey this is the kidnappers calling, just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten about our fucking deal, cuz you know, we've got your daughter all tied up and shit, so uh call us back or we might ice the bitch._

_Beep: Hi, it's Mello again, you'd think a man who just had his daughter fucking kidnapped would hang around the fucking phone, but you're not there. Call me back._

_Beep: Okay you are seriously fucking pissing me the fuck off. If you didn't have a magic fucking notebook that killed people, I'd just fucking kill your daughter already. _

_Beep: Heeyyyy, Light, it's Misa, I'm kinda worried you haven't been home in a couple days, Misa needs to eat and you told me not to use the stove, please call me back, I'm running out of peanut butter to make sandwiches with._

_Beep: That's it fuck this, I am fucking shooting your daughter, I've got the pistol held to her face right now. __**Gunshot is heard.**_

_Beep: Hey this is Herbert, I'm just wondering where my paperboy is, hoping that he'll come back and bring me some goooooooood neeeeeeeews real soon_

_Beep: Umm, yeah it's Mello again, okay I didn't really kill your daughter, you just had me a bit frazzled. Look just call me back okay?_

_Beep: What you want some fucking proof? Fine here, Sayu you little bitch talk to your father. __**Sayu: **__Daddy it's me, I'm really worried right now, please call back the blonde lady who…you're a man? Umm please call back the man who kidnapped me. __**Mello: **__There see? She's still fucking alive!_

_Beep: Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggtttttttttttttttt! It's Misa, look I know you said not to use any appliances, but um, I tried to cook a Hot Pocket in the microwave and accidently started a fire. Ryuk put it out with a fire extinguisher but please come home soon. Also we're gonna need to go shopping for a new couch…it took me awhile to convince him to help._

_Beep: Greetings, this is Silent Matt. You have greatly offended my friend Mello and I by not returning our calls. I didn't want to have to get involved, but your constant ignoring of our calls has left me no option. It would be in your favor to call us back, because this shit is cutting into my fucking video game time, and that is unforgivable. So get your ass in gear and call us back already._

_Beep: Umm Light I was joking before, your couch is fine…Don't mind the price tag, Ryuk said that was always there._

_Beep: Hello Light, this is L. Yes that's right L. I'm not actually dead, I've just cast off my body. My consciousness still exists on the Wired. You may think this is a prank, but it's not. Anyway, I was just calling to tell you Mello and Near's real names, but I see your too busy. Oh well, see you real soon buddy._

**End Commercial Bump.**

Near: L, using Google Earth on maximum zoom I've picked up your father, I'll send you the feed now.

Light: Dad.

Ryuk: So Light how are they gonna make the exchange?

**Soichiro is wandering around in the desert and sees a door pop up from the sand.**

Mello: Pretty fucking sweet huh? It's like something outta Wild Wild West or some shit.

**He walks in and is sealed off.**

Light: Underground facility? I can't see in there, dammit!

**Soichiro discovers his daughter in a plastic cage. A man walks up and empties his pistol in the cage.**

Man: Don't worry it's bulletproof.

Soichiro: Thanks that's info I could have used before I just shit my pants. I mean that was totally unnecessary, you could have just said "its bulletproof", it's not like I'm gonna argue with you.

Man: Well that was in case you decided to shoot her free.

Soichiro: I just got off a plane jackass, you think they're gonna let me on a plane with a gun?

Man: I'm terribly sorry about that, how can I make it up to you?

Soichiro: Well you could let my daughter go.

Man: Okay I'll just…oh no, you almost got me there. Look this is how this is gonna go down, it's like one of those revolving doors, you put the notebook in and your daughter rotates around to you. You don't and I shoot her through this opening.

**Powerless to see what's going on Near and Light have a conversation.**

Near: So L do you have a plan? You can't seriously think handing the notebook over to someone you don't know is a good idea do you?

Light: Yes Near, I have plan, cuz I can see through fucking metal. Go troll somewhere else.

**Back underground.**

Man: First stick the notebook in, now take the notebook out, now stick the notebook in, and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey then I'll turn this door around, that's what it's all about.

**Soichiro complies and exits with Sayu.**

Light: Dad, Sayu.

Ryuk: Man I haven't seen your sister look that messed up since she first saw me.

**Suddenly a missile!**

Light: A missile!

Ryuk: Thank you Captain Obvious

Near: Well now I can't track that with radar

Light: Is the notebook on that thing?

Rester: The missiles been launched. It looks like a giant…

Helicopter pilot: Johnson this is Johnson speaking, I've done as you asked, I've provided a distraction for the missile that resembles a…

Mafia boss: Wang, blow him up.

**Helicopter explodes.**

Gevanni: The Helicopter blew up. That means that the notebook was on the missile that looked like someone's

Near: Dick, you're such a dick Mello. I can't track that with radar no matter how unusual it is to see a flying…

Ryuk: PENIS!

Light: What?

Ryuk: I wanted to play too.

Light: You have to be a little more subtle than that, the point is to make the reference look like it's part of conversation.

Ryuk: Ohh….WILLIE!

Light: Forget it.

**The montage of defeat, Soichiro and Sayu cuddle as they fly away, Light slaps iced tea offered to him by Misa, and Near knocks over his city built out of dice.**

**Suddenly people start dying. At the end, only Rester, Lidner, and Near of the SPK remain. Gevanni is not in the shot, despite having just been there a minute ago.**

Near: Way to go asshole, my Avengers just got iced. You're hopeless.

Light: So are you saying that you'd have done better?

Near: No, considering their level of preparation we were pretty much boned no matter what.

Light: Then why are you being such a dick about it?

Near: There's really no point in this quarreling and work together.

Light: You wanna make accusations like that and then just be friends? Screw you!

Near: But I know who did it.

Light: You don't think I could have used that info before, jackass? Who's this Mello?

Near: I don't have a photo nor do I know his real name, however four years ago he was living at an orphanage in England known as Wammy House.

Light: And how do you know that?

Near: Cuz I'm also from Wammy House. I think this is a challenge to me to see who can catch Kira first.

Light: So then this IS all your fault, you should have taken care of him years ago, and then you come in here and blame me? It's you he's got a grudge against!

**In the Shinigami world.**

Shindoh: umm Justin?

Armonia Jastin: It's Armonia Jastin, jive turkey, this is my last appearance in the series, get my name right or I'll smack you with my ring hand.

Shindoh: Sorry. Anyway I have a problem, I lost my notebook but the King said Ryuk had it and dropped it in the human world.

Jastin: HAHAHAHA!

Shindoh: What should I do, oh Bling-ed one?

Jastin: I guess you'll just have to go ask that bitch ass Ryuk yourself to give it back to you, honkey.

Shindoh: That's what I thought, so I guess I'll have to go to…..THE HUMAN WORLD

**DUN DUN DUN!**

Jastin: That's right. Now is that all? Bitch let me enjoy my bejeweled self on my throne in peace.

Shindoh: This sucks.

**Author's Note: **I'm back from vacation, well been back for a couple weeks. But I've updated again.

If you guys didn't know, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba have a new manga out called Bakuman. It's about a kid who can draw really well who gets roped into becoming a mangaka by the smartest kid in school who can write really well. He later makes a promise to the girl he likes that she can be the VA of his manga's heroine and then they'll get married. There're three chapters out and it rocks so far.

Okay I just noticed the Reader Traffic feature, guess they added that while I was gone. That's pretty cool. Didn't know I had a reader in places like Malaysia or Lithuania.

Now for the reviews:

_**Stygian Styx**__ Great chapter! Oh, and would you happen to know of some site I can watch a subbed (nonedited) version of Code Geass on? Youtube, Veoh, and Myspace had nothing but R2 episodes._

You've come to the right man

For English:

For Japanese: , , , ,

_**Dtecno Kira**__ Have you been reading the Death Note manga?  
Part two of the anime really skips a lot, and the last episode changes some important details that I won't spoil.  
Anyway, great chapter!_

I buy the volumes and read them that way. Barnes and Nobles never seems to have Vol 3 though so I haven't read it in awhile.

Okay so then now with what 9 episodes left, it's time to start figuring out what my next work will be. I've gonna set up a poll and hopefully you'll all vote in it. I didn't get any suggestions so I guess I'll have to pick the options.

Until then, Yomiko Readman says: Read and Review or Die


	31. Episode 29

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here

**Episode the 29****th****: Fahza**

**The episode opens as Saya is being pushed in a wheelchair by her mother.**

Sachiko: You should consider yourself fortunate to have lasted this long on two legs. Lelouch Lamperouge's sister started off in a wheelchair.

Soichiro: Now she'll never let me have custody again.

**Ryuk is lazing about alone in the apartment, he gets up to get an apple when…**

Shindoh: Hi Ryuk

Ryuk: Back off Shindoh, they're my apples.

**He flies off with the apple.**

Ryuk: Dammit Shindoh, stop following me, I told you they're my apples, get your own.

Shindoh: I don't want your apples you junkie, just give me back my notebook.

Ryuk: _Well it at least it's not an apple. _Fuck off, finders keepers! Besides I don't even know where it is.

Shindoh: You probably sold it to feed your addiction.

**He lands on a trash can.**

Ryuk: Quit bugging me I don't have it!

Shindoh: Give it back!

Ryuk: Are you deaf? I don't know where it is! Go look for it yourself.

**In the investigation headquarters.**

Aizawa: Wammy House isn't a normal orphanage, it's full of gifted kids. The real purpose is to groom one of them to be the next L.

Light: _There're more of them? What is he the Green Lantern?_

Aizawa: The one most likely to succeed L is this little punk named Near.

Light: _Near…hey, if you cover up the last three letters, it's N! He must be the leader of the SPK!_

Matsuda: We found some leads on Mello, apparently he was always second place to Near.

Light: _So I'm caught in the middle of a power struggle between two orphans who want to be L? I thought this story was supposed to be about me?_

Aizawa: These are the rough sketches Obata made of them, we don't have the finished variants.

Light: _I can't kill them with just a prototype drawing! They could have changed their appearance entirely before they appeared in this series! First things first I must check up on Misa, I let her go on the computer yesterday and I don't think she's signed off since then, her eyes are probably bleeding._

**Cut to Misa staring at the computer screen with bloodshot red eyes.**

Misa: Look Light! Misa has been crying red tears! That's totally gothic!

Light: _Realizing that ocular bleeding aside, Misa was far less annoying when she was otherwise occupied, I decided to let her stay on for a little longer. I came home later to discover Misa no longer on the computer and in her underwear._

Misa: Hi Light! Guess what, Misa got an email from L while she was online!

Light: Why are you in your underwear?

Misa: Misa was upgrading her computer system and taking off your clothes is the only way to completely avoid static electricity!

L: _ Hey Light, I had nothing better to do now that my consciousness is online so I looked up Mello's location for you since I know you're completely inferior to me and could never do it by yourself. Anyway I'm sure that the prospect of an effeminate man in tight leather pants turns you on, so just tell me how your date goes. _

_Forever beyond your ability to kill me,_

_L_

Light: _Though I was nevertheless going to use the information he gave me, I burned the letter to make a big show like I was above getting help from him._

Misa: Don't worry Light, even if you can't kill Ryuzaki know that his consciousness is online, you still have one thing he doesn't!

Light: What?

Misa: You have Misa!

Light: Yeah….there's always that.

**Shindoh was totally uninterested in Light and Misa about to get it on and just snuck a look at the address. Which is really sad, because it's kinda hot, at least until Misa takes her clothes of and Light has to go throw up.**

**He goes off and flys over to LA**

Mello: So wait, this thing has infinite fucking pages right? Dude we should totally see how many blunts we can roll out of it!

Shindoh: Oh, that ones way too high to believe he can see me, I better make someone else touch it.

**Shindoh picks up the Notebook and tosses it to Synder.**

Mello: What the fuck, I ain't smoked nothing yet today, the Notebook just flew.

Mafia Boss: Yeah right, yo pansy ass is probably baked into oblivion.

Synder: HOLY SHIT! There's some guy in a freaky costume!

Shindoh: That's not nice, and here I thought you looked like you weren't a pothead. I'm a Shinigami.

Synder: Shinigami? HAHAHAHAHA!

Shindoh: Look just get your junkie friends to touch the Notebook, tell 'em it's hallucinogenic or something.

Synder: Touch the Notebook, it'll freak you the fuck out!

Boss: Fine, I could use a good old fashioned freak out.

All: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Shoot it! Shoot it!

**They do.**

Shindoh: That wasn't nice, that could have hurt me. Granted it didn't cuz I'm a Shinigami, but it could have.

Boss: Well then wouldn't it be more accurate to say that it couldn't have hurt you?

Shindoh: Intentions matter! You hurt my feelings!

**Back in Japan**

Light: Ryuk, it's your birthday again, so here's your Notebook.

Ryuk: I really thought you'd try to go shopping this year.

Misa: But Light! If you do that that you'll lose your memories!

Light: No Misa because I'm going to shove your Notebook down my pants.

Misa: But Light! Then if we have sex you'll lose your memories.

Light: Well that's just a sacrifice we'll have to make. _Thank G-I mean me. _Anyway Ryuk, a very special person's birthday is coming up, and I think that a Death Note is exactly what he's been waiting for.

Ryuk: Screw you, I'm giving this one to Shindoh, maybe then he'll leave me alone! Hey where did he get too?

**In LA**

Shindoh: Chocolate rules!

Boss: Hey don't tell me you're a pot head too!

Shindoh: No, food in the Shinigami world just sucks really hard.

Mello: _This Shinigami's ravenous appetite could be the end of me. I can't live without my chocolate. What will I consume when the munchies take me over? I've got to move my stash! _Shindoh, go keep watch outside. **Scary Mello face. **I said get the fuck outside, you fucking freakshow.

Shindoh: _What's with him? He must be one of those deranged junkies._

**In Sayu's log cabin. Soichiro answers the phone.**

Kira: Yo, it's Kira, miss me?

Soichiro: Prove it!

Kira: Prove it? Are you insane, everyone and their mom has a Notebook by now, there's no point in proving anything. However I know someone who doesn't have one.

Soichiro: Who?

Kira: You. I'm giving you my Notebook. I already know where the one you lost is and have made arrangements to kill everyone related to the mafia. Once you have my Notebook you can kill anyone as long as you see their face. Aren't I just a swell guy?

**Commercial Bump**

_**JOKES SO BAD THEY SHOULD BE KILLED BY THE DEATH NOTE VOL. 2**_

_3) How does the Mafia feel when they smoke all that pot?_

_MELLO!_

_4) What would the show be called if Misa had heterochromatic irises?_

_DESU NOTE!_

**Mercifully End Commercial Bump.**

**Now that they have the Notebook the group discusses what to do.**

Light: So what should we do? I'm too comfortable following that handsome and clever devil Kira's plan, but this may be our only chance.

Ryuk: I concur with this person I've never seen before

Ide: Still though that's not quite enough.

Matsuda: I think we all know what has to be done, we need to do the deal for the eyes.

Soichiro: I agree with Ide's plan for the eyes, I will do it.

Matsuda: Chief, it was my plan, me Matsuda! I came up with it!

Soichiro: Matsuda, you shouldn't take credit for what other people come up with on their own.

Light: _Crap I was kinda hoping to finally get rid of Matsuda once and for all._

**The night of the raid on Mello's compound.**

Light: Is everyone in position? Okay, dad are you sure we can't just have Matsuda do the eye deal?

Soichiro: Yes Light, this is all my fault anyway.

Ryuk: One set of Shinigami eyes coming up.

**Screams are heard in the mafia compound.**

Mello: YOU FUCKERS BETTER NOT HAVE GOTTEN INTO MY FUCKING SUPER POT!

Soichiro: MOVE IN!

Mello: Huh, guess they didn't. Hey wait a fucking minute, isn't Shidoh supposed to be guarding the fucking complex or some shit like that?

**Outside Ryuk is covering Shindoh's mouth**

Ryuk: Will you calm down already, why does everyone think I'm trying to rape them? I'm not even equipped!

**One shootout later inside.**

Soichiro: L we have the Notebook.

Matsuda: Can we go home now?

Light: No you cannot go home now, this isn't a freaking quiz, you go and get Mello.

**While searching for Mello a bomb goes off.**

Mello: Hello, is this thing on? Cool. This message is going out to the Japanese Task Force, and a very personal and heartfelt shout out to the little bitch in charge, L! All right! Your asses have currently been sealed in the building by Mello and Silent Matt. My name is Mello and I want to warn you that one false move and the whole place goes up in motherfucking smoke! You've got nowhere left to run and nowhere to hide, so I suggest you listen to what I say. I wanna see you cry and beg, in the meantime I highly recommend pissing yourselves, followed by a course of praying to your impotent god. But hey there's always time to just be a man and kill yourself! THANK YOU L.A. WE LOVE YOU, GOODNITE!

**Soichiro makes his way to Mello's room.**

Mello: Hey, it's you again! Isn't this fucking hilarious, I never thought I'd be bargaining the Notebook with you again.

Soichiro: What the hell kind of name is Mihael? What did your parents not know how to spell Michael?

Mello: _What the hell, no one's supposed to know my real name! It's too embarrassing!_

Light: _I did it!_

Soichiro: Look if you turn yourself in I won't kill you.

Light: _Oh fuck your chivalry old man, kill the little bastard already! _

Soichiro: You know how this works, I write your embarrassingly illiterate name down and then you die. Let go of the gun and put your hands in the air.

Mello: Let's not be hasty!

Soichiro: There I've written your first name, it'll only take me a second to write the surname.

Light: _Hurry it up already!_

Mello: Oh don't take it so personally, I just want to torture you, kill you, maybe skullfuck your corpse a couple times, blow this place sky high, go home and masturbate, okay!

**Mello's buddy shoots Soichiro in the back.**

Mello: Jose, get the Notebook, como se dice?

Jose: Si Senor Mello, pero he no let go of it.

**Jose is shot.**

Task Force: It's all over Mello, we killed your illegal immigrant aid, and we'll kill you too, just give up.

**Mello blows up building.**

Task Force: There's no sign of Mello

Light: _I was one word from winning, ONE WORD!_

**Later on his father's deathbed.**

Light: No dad, you can't die!

Soichiro: Light, I can see your lifespan, you really aren't Kira.

Matsuda: Well that's a relief, I mean it's not like he's pretending to be innocent while having a Death Note in his pants.

Light: _Oh Matsuda, your stupidity never ceases to amaze me. _Dad you've got to kill Mello! Don't let him beat you!

**Soichiro Dies**

Doctor: He's dead Jim.

Light: Don't you die on me dammit! Don't you screw me over like this! One word! ONE FUCKING WORD AND YOU COULDN'T WRITE IT! DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!

**Later on with Shindoh.**

Light: You're the Shinigami who wanted his notebook back aren't you?

Shindoh: Yeah

Light: Well here have it back.

**Shindoh flies off.**

Ryuk: That was awfully nice of you Light, it wasn't even his birthday.

Light: That wasn't his, that was the one that's been in my pants all week. It was starting to feel gross.

**Author's Note: **Well another one down. I had to overcome some major sadness to finish this one up tonight since Toonami's dead now. Oh well, I sucked it up.

Anyway on to the part where you can get recognition for entertaining me enough to respond.

_**Stygian Styx:**__ Funny as always, though I don't understand why L's in the wires now. Thanks for the attempt at giving me sites, but unfortunately, this website won't allow any text with . com 9or whatever) to show up, so I just got a blank spot and a bunch of commas. Thanks though. If you could send them in a PM or something, that'd be great, but it's fine if ya can't. Is light gonna be haunted by L now? Like sending him sudden unexpected pop-ups to gay or something?_

Why is L in the Wired? Because I watched Serial Experiments Lain that week. DTechno Kira, you can also take that as the reason why I wrote "Read and Review or Die" as well. Obviously that's not a Lain reference, but you know what I mean. Originally it was supposed to be a one off joke, but I worked him into this episode too cuz I found a place for him. Will he come back again? Depends on if I think it's funny or not.

Also I thought I had no idea how to put polls into my profile or a forum or anywhere you can vote in them, but I guess I figured it out cuz I have 4 responses, cool. Keep voting, so far Code Geass is pulling out a clean sweep as my next project.

Okay so that's it, there were only 3 reviews. I hope most of you aren't dead, but anyway next time on Death Note, find out how Mello survived! You'd better get ready.


	32. Episode 30

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here

**Episode the 30****th****: **Justice Is Blind, and Has Three Arms

Lester: Near, we have a serial killer on the loose and your rival Mello just got blown up. I don't think now is the time to be playing with your toys.

Near: That is where you are mistaken, Captain America, it is ALWAYS an appropriate time to play with my toys.

Lester: But what about the case?

Near: Don't assume that I am uncapable of doing two things at once. I am a master of multitasking, sometimes I do three or four things at once just to test my abilities.

Lester: What? I don't think uncapable is a word! I think you're letting the fact that you are a whiz kid albino go to your head, only the original L can pull of that kind of arrogance and he got killed!

Near: ENGLISH IS AN EVOLVING LANGUAGE! New words are being made up all the time! How dare you tell me what I can and cannot do in a language created by three barbarian peoples, including two different kinds of Vikings! And furthermore I thought I told you to call me Nick Fury at all times! Now get out of my sight!

**Over in Japan we learn about the state of things through a random citizens.**

Girl: Crimes are down a bazillion percent! My daddy told me that if you're bad your name gets written on Santa's naughty list and then he gives it to Kira for Christmas!

Policeman: Come on give me your name.

Criminal: What's in a name? Would not a rose by any other name smell as sweet?

Policeman: I ain't got time for your philosophy Shakespeare, just give me your damn name so Kira can kill you.

Boy in school: Stop bullying me! I'll write about you in my livejournal and Kira will read it!

Radio: Hey everyone, this is Howard Stern, I got free tickets to the next broadcast of Kira's kingdom for the 10 people with the wildest sex fantasies about Kira! I'm talking stuff like snuff films, necrophilia, your perversion could be your reward!

**On that very program:**

J. Jonah Jameson: I'm J. Jonah Jameson, owner and operator of Sakura TV, the Daily Bugle, and Kira's personal spokesman! I'd like to thank the big guy for eliminating my personal enemy, Spiderman and making me his voice on the airwaves. Anyone trying to take away my cash cow, err savior does so at his own risk and is committing an unforgivable crime!

Aizawa: If anyone deserves to be killed by Kira, it's this guy, does he not realize the sacrifices we've made?

Matsuda: Yeah, we lost the chief and that other guy.

Aizawa: I was talking about my afro. The President's on, lets watch that.

Matsuda: I dunno **Flips Ryuk an apple. **How did it end up my job to feed him?

Ryuk: We all drew chores out of the chore hat fair and square.

Matsuda: **Snatches back Apple **Don't think I didn't see you slip that one in there on my turn! **Devours apple.**

President: My fellow Americans, for the first time in our nations 200 plus year history I must utter these lamentable words….We give up.

Reporter: Mr. President, what are you saying?

Reporter: Are you calling for a return to the isolationist policies of the 1800s?

Reporter: Are you aware that this means we have to exile you to Canada?

Light: THOSE COWARDS! _Just Kidding! Oh America, did you ever think that you would be bested by a Japanese student when you threatened to blast Tokyo in the 1800s or when you dropped the A-Bombs? Taste your comeuppance, you capitalist pigs!_

Aizawa: What is he talking about?

Ide: Are we all alone?

Reporters: Are you saying Kira is justice?

Reporters: What about our Judicial System?

President: I never said that! You liberal media types are always twisting my words around! I am not the same as the President who pissed himself when resurrected historical figures destroyed the White House, but at the same time I also do not have a giant mecha to go battle Kira in. All I am saying is that it is in America's best interests to just sit this one out.

Reporter: What about Jack Bauer can't he solve this case in a day?

Reporter: Screw Jack Bauer can't we get Chuck Norris on the case?

Reporter: You're both wrong, Michael Phelps is the new superhero fad!

Reporter: What's Phelps gonna do? He doesn't even have chest hair! How can someone without chest hair save America!

Reporter: I say we vote Harrison Ford back into office, he'll solve this.

Aizawa: I can't believe the American Government would do something this cowardly!

Matsuda: Do you guys mind if I ask a serious question?

Ide: What is it this time?

Aizawa: Oh have the two brain cells in your head bumped together and created a thought? Must have been painful, oh well better share it with the rest of us.

Matsuda: Do you think that Harrison Ford would pick Chewbacca as his running mate?

Aizawa: What?

Ide: What kind of stupid question is that, Matsuda?

Aizawa: I've been thinking about it, and they worked so well together on the Millenium Falcon.

Aizawa: Did it ever occur to you that Chewie is from Kashyyyk and thus ineligible to be Vice President?

Matsuda: I dunno, I guess so….I just thought it was a good idea.

Aizawa: You're wrong Matsuda, if Harrison is going to team up with anyone to run for President again it would be Billy Dee Williams. How can you overlook Lando Calrissian?

Matsuda: I understand that, but deep down I've always gotten hung up over the whole betrayal thing. I know Lando joined the rebellion, and that as a Star Wars fan it's my duty to forgive him, no I want to forgive him, it's just that I can't completely like him either. I guess I'm just crazy.

Light: No, you're not crazy, you're normal.

Aizawa: You too Light? What are you talking about!

Light: I'm sure on some level Lando really felt bad about handing the heroes over to Darth Vader, and he tried to make up for that as a martyr, even at the cost of his life, that's his brand of penance. I bet that's what went through Lando's mind. Anyway we shouldn't be arguing about it, to forgive him or not, it's not our call. All we have to think about is that the Empire was defeated. If the Empire had won, then Lando would have been evil, but since they won and peace ruled the world I guess he was redeemed.

**Back in the Avenger's HQ.**

Gevanni: What's gonna happen to us now?

Near: I guess we've been disbanded thanks to that chicken of a President. No he's not even a chicken. He's a chickenshit backstabbing two faced son of a bitch. Enough of this, it's time for my nap.

**Halle Lidner gets out of the shower and gets held at gunpoint.**

Lidner: Oh God! Vega!

Mello: Snootch to the Bootch

**Later:**

Lester: Near, Halle Lidner, err I mean Scarlet Witch apparently is on her way here while being held at gunpoint by I believe Re-L Mayer. What should we do?

Near: Her name is Ms. Marvel, and let her in.

**They Enter**

Near: Hello Mello

Gevanni: Drop your gun!

Near: Everyone please put away your guns. This isn't a Quentin Tarantino picture.

Gevanni: Sir with all do respect, we do not live in your fantasy world where we are the avengers, we do not have superpowers!

Near: Of course you don't Ironman, the suit gives you all your powers, but that's not the point, our primary objective is catching Kira, killing Mello will do nothing to further our investigation.

Mello: Hey, you pansy ass dork, you still playing superheroes with your faggotty friends. I told this fine ass honey that she should move up to the big leagues with yours truly, but it doesn't seem like she's interested.

Near: Yes, I'm sure you've heard about the state of the investigation and thanks to you my faggoty friends and I are about one step away from catching Kira.

Mello: Shut the fuck up, Pillsbury Doughboy. I ain't a fucking tool for you to use to solve your damn puzzle.

Near: Mello, you and I both know years of marijuana abuse have reduced your aiming abilities to almost nothing. You couldn't hit me if you pressed that gun against my skin.

Halle: Stop! If you fire that gun the rest of us will have no choice but to shoot you too, and drug altered or not, yours is still one of the best minds we have for catching Kira.

Mello: Fine, you're lucky this sexy bitch saved your life, cuz Mello loves the ladies. I just came here for one thing. I want my emergency stash that you have.

Near: Of course. I got it from the orphanage, there was only one, and no more has been made. I've already dealt with everyone who knows about it, both inside and outside Whammy House and they'll keep quiet. I can't say a hundred percent for certain but you shouldn't be able to reproduce this stuff. Is that the only business you had with me, Mello?

Mello: Albino pansy, let's get one thing straight, I have no fucking intention of sharing this stuff with you.

Near: Yes I know.

Mello: At the same time, I can't just take my super weed and leave, that wouldn't be right so I'll settle my debt. The killer notebook belongs to a Shinigami and whoever touches it will freak the fuck out.

Lester: That's crazy

Gevanni: Who the hell would believe in something like that?

Near: I would, I believe him completely. What good would it do for him to tell an outrageous lie like that? Even if he had something to gain he could come up with a little more believable story. Therefore this "freaking out" must occur.

Mello: The Notebook I obtained belonged to another Shinigami, perhaps even Kira himself. Also some of the rules inside are totally bogus. That's all I'm fucking telling you. Doughboy.

Near: Mello.

Mello: Loser says what?

Near: ...................

Mello: Oh fuck you.

**Commercial Bump.**

_**Top 5 Reasons for the Long Wait between episodes.**_

_5) The flu- I was all ready and raring to update last week, then I spent Friday night thinking I was gonna puke and Saturday in a delirious spinning haze._

_4) Mikidate High- Such an awesome game, play it and see what I mean. I won't tell you what my username is, so you'll have to go around asking for Jaded Ninja of the DN Abridged Series, thus giving me free advertisement! HAHAHAHAHA! I'm so evil._

_3) Awesome Fall lineup of Anime- More on this later, but I'm watching at least 10 shows this season and half of them rule._

_2) I'm a lazy bastard- Yeah you probably saw this one coming._

_And the Number 1 Reason to explain why I haven't updated since August._

_You said you didn't need her  
You told her good-bye (good-bye)  
You sacrificed a good love  
To satisfy your pride  
Now you wished  
That you should have her (have her)  
And you feel like such a fool  
You let her walk away  
Now it just don't feel the same  
Gotta blame it on something  
Gotta blame it on something  
Blame it on the rain (rain)  
Blame it on the stars (stars)  
Whatever you do don't put  
the blame on you  
Blame it on the rain yeah yeah  
You can blame it on the rain  
Get  
Ooh, ooh (ooh)  
I can't, I can't. I can't,  
can't stand the rain  
I can't, I can't. I can't,  
can't stand the rain  
Yeah, yeah  
Should've told her you were  
sorry (sorry) huh  
Could of said you were wrong  
But no you couldn't do that. No, no  
You had to prove you were strong ooh  
If you hadn't been so blinded (blinded)  
She might still be there with you  
You want her back again  
But she just don't feel the same  
Gotta blame it on something  
Gotta blame it on something  
Blame it on the rain that  
was falling, falling  
Blame it on the stars that  
did shine at night  
Whatever you do don't put  
the blame on you  
Blame it on the rain yeah yeah  
You can blame it on the rain  
Cos the rain don't mind  
And the rain don't care  
You got to blame it on something  
(Blame it on the rain)  
(Blame it on the stars)  
Whatever you do don't put  
the blame on you  
Blame it on the rain yeah, yeah  
You can blame it on the rain  
Girl  
Ooh, ooh (ooh)  
Girl  
I can't, I can't. I can't,  
can't stand the rain  
I can't, I can't. I can't,  
can't stand the rain  
Get  
Girl  
(Whatever you do...)  
(Blame it on the rain yeah, yeah) x 3  
You can blame it on the rain,  
blame it on the rain,  
blame it on the rain baby  
(Blame it on the rain yeah yeah)  
Blame it on the stars that  
did shine that night  
(Blame it on the rain yeah yeah)  
Blame it, blame it on the rain  
woo  
I'm walking  
I'm walking  
Walking in the rain  
Walking in the rain  
(Rain, rain)  
(Stars, stars)  
Whatever you do don't put  
the blame on you  
(Blame it on the rain)  
yeah yeah  
(Blame it on the rain)  
that keeps falling, falling  
(Blame it on the stars)  
that did shine that night  
Whatever you do don't put  
the blame on you  
Blame it on the rain yeah yeah  
Blame it on the rain (rain, rain)_

**End Commercial Bump**

**When we return Near appears engaged in a card game.**

Near: Fake rules, there's no doubt that the Notebook can cause head asplosion and make the victim your bitch. As for the one about destruction, well I'm not man enough to try that out. So using my psychic powers I determine that the fake rule is the one about 13 days….Ironman please set up a connection to L.

Gevanni: Yes Mr. Fury.

Matsuda: Hey it's Near!

Light: What, we were having a very important discussion.

Near: I hate to break up your Star Wars convention but I just thought you might like to know that we caught Mello…but we let him go. We did interrogate him though.

Light: Way to go jackass, we may have been discussing classic 80s movies but at least we didn't let loose a murderous pothead on the world.

Near: I don't have to take that from a sci fi nerd, did you notice a Shinigami hanging around the Note or did you just think one of you was cosplaying as the Rancor?

Light: Like you and your Marvel comics obsession have any right to call us nerds, and yes we do have a Shinigami. I didn't tell you that in the beginning because I thought you'd think he was Beast.

Near: I wanna talk to the Shinigami.

Ryuk: Screw you I associate with enough geeks as it is.

Near: Yeah well I think you're making bogus rules in the Notebook, what do you think this fanfiction? You can't just do whatever the hell you want, there are parameters you have to follow!

Light: WHAT? It's not that way… all the rules are legit, especially the 13 day rule! I didn't put them in there, no sir, tell them Ryuk!

Ryuk: Yeah, they're all real or something, I dunno. I didn't even put all the rules in there, cuz I'm so lazy, why would I put fake ones in?

Near: I see the Shinigami is there with you?

Light: No shit Sherlock, figure that one out all by yourself? Weren't you just asking to speak with him? Did you think we sent him out for a coffee run or something?

Near: I think I'm beginning to get the picture.

Light: You're a real bright one.

Near: Kira is there and he's making the Shinigami lie for him.

Ryuk: _I think later I'll punch Matsuda for stealing my apple._

Matsuda: Why do I get the feeling something's going to happen to me later?

Aizawa: Nonsense Matsuda, no one is going to duct tape you to the ceiling tonight.

Matsuda: Well alright, I still haven't regrown my arm hairs from the last time you guys did that.

Near: Focus guys, we are talking about the Death Note here. Look I'll test the rule by writing down Mello's name. If I die 13 days later Kira wins. That's a gamble I'm willing to make.

Matsuda: Who does he think he is? Itou Kaiji?

Near: Testing the rule can only benefit the investigation, and this is the only way I can think of to do it.

Light: _Really? You know L managed to come up with a solution that didn't involve his own death, fortunately I put a stop to that._ Hang on, we need to talk this over. **Shuts off computer. **Whattaya say, oh so capable team?

Matsuda: I dunno, Kaiji lost his ear and fingers and ended up in a wicked amount of debt. But if Near is willing to do it, then I guess I won't stop him.

Ide: I don't think Kira's one of use, I refuse.

Aizawa: We should respect my afro's ideals to the end.

Mogi: I feel the same I'm opposed to the test.

Light: Near, we've talked it over and no deal.

Near: Fine….pussies. One last question, did the current L ever come under suspicion of being Kira even if the allegations were later dropped. If you wish to help me, please call the following number. For just 50 cents a day, the price of a cup of coffee, you can make sure people never live in fear of Kira again.

Aizawa: _Where the hell is he getting coffee for 50 cents? No it's more like I don't want to believe I've been getting ripped off this much. But if there really is a place with coffee for 50 cents, then I can't be sure Light doesn't know about it too. He could be skimming off the group's coffee funds. I want my money back._

Ryuk: Hehehehehehe _Matsuda you are so gonna get it._

Light: _Near, I have to find his coffee shop._

**Later in the Oval Office.**

President: Hello?

Phone: This is Kira.

President: The hell? How did you get this number, shouldn't it be private?

Phone: I've got a girlfriend who is more than willing to dial every number in order all day if I promise to speak to her during dinner. Now enough about the sacrifices I have to make, I want you disband the SPK. I want you to use the FBI, the CIA, and whatever else to find them and once you do I want you to tell them that Light Yagami is Kira and the second L, also he's really gay.

Light: Dammit Ryuzaki! Stop hacking my computer

Computer: Try and stop me now Light! You can't kill the internet! =P

Misa: Oooh! It's a tongue sticking out!

Light: _I did not come this far to be mocked by emoticons. _Take this Ryuzaki! I'm going to switch my OS from XP to Vista!

L: What are you doing? Don't turn that on….NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Curse you Bill Gates!

Light: Disregard that last part, my old nemesis has possessed my computer. I want you to send the information about the SPK to a third party. Whether your head splatters all over the curtains or not is up to you.

President: Yes sir.

**The Next Day**

J. Jonah Jameson: Today we are going to crush an organization allied with my archnemesis, Spiderman! This is a direct order from Kira and it come the President himself! The ratings for Super Happy Funtime Daily Bugle TV Japan will skyrocket, I can barely contain myself! Come on everyone the age of the Avengers is over!

**Over on the computer.**

Aizawa: _I can't believe I have to share my computer with Ide. Light's got enough money to go buy a new operating system and here we are stuck with Windows 95. You can't even install stuff on this anymore._

Ide: Aizawa, we have a long history and without your afro absorbing your thoughts, they're getting broadcast loud and clear to me. You should go ahead and do what you think is right. I didn't want a computer to begin with, to be honest I only agreed with this because I wanted to be with you.

Aizawa: Ide…I think you're dealing with some latent homosexual issues.

Ide: I'm sorry Aizawa, I wish I could quit you but I can't.

**Light enters.**

Aizawa: Act like nothing happened. _It's Light, with all he's been though he probably doesn't even want to here the word gay right now._

Matsuda: THIS IS REALLY BAD, I'm starting to fear no one escapes this series without homoerotic moments.

Aizawa: Quick let's do something manly!

Light: Turn on the TV, look for football!

**They do, but instead they find the SPK, err Avengers in dire straits.**

J. Jonah Jameson: This is J. Jonah Jameson, we have found the Avenger's hideout. They thought they could fool us by using Baxter Building, the HQ of the Fantastic Four as their base, but we found them! No there's no escape. Behold the power of the people! Behold the power of ratings!

**Misa is watching the TV at home.**

Misa: I've been waiting for the password for free tickets to the premiere of Twilight for five days, I won't miss it! It's a good thing Light didn't tell me to do anything important in the last week.

**Flashback.**

Light: Misa I want you to watch Sakura TV and take down the names of the SPK members when they appear. You are to do nothing else. I don't care if Hot Topic is having a sale or whatever band or thing you think is "gothic" comes up, you are to do NOTHING else.

**End Flashback.**

Misa: Nope nothing, yay!

**Light calls Near**

Light: What's going on Nick Fury, can't your Avengers save you? Could it be Red Skull come to finish you off? Dr. Doom? Magneto? Darkseid?

Near: _Dammit, Darkseid is a DC comics character._

Light: _I win, exactly as planned!_

**Author's Note: **Hey, hey, hey, guess who decided to update?

Also I just realized that the last one was approximately the one year anniversary of Death Note the Abridged Series. I hadn't planned on celebrating it anyway since really I had wanted to be done before June, but it happened. Also I had thought I started in October, not September.

Happy L's birthday 2008 as well, since I missed it. I was up in Massachusetts so there was no way I could do it that weekend.

Okay so as I promised, here's what has been keeping me occupied and away from this as far as anime goes.

Chaos;Head- this one rules! It's like Welcome to the NHK with even more delusions and magic swords!

Ef~A tale of Melodies- It's a sort of sequel to Memories. I'm a big sucker for romance stories, it's my one weakness, especially when the turn the people involved have some really huge hang ups.

Gundam 00 Second season- This is what's kept me going once Geass ended. If you saw the first, you are probably already watching this one, so yeah.

Ga-Rei Zero- It's a prequel to the manga series Ga-Rei that explains how Yomi turned evil. Turns out Yomi was freaking awesome before here face/heel turn.

Kuroshitsuji- It's like Alucard and Walter Dolneaz did the fusion dance to create a demon butler of awesomeness.

Tytania- This is a pretty cool space opera, with really interesting characters and political jockeying.

One Outs- Made by the Same people who did Kaiji and about gambling and baseball. The main character is a total badass.

I'm watching a few others but those were the standouts.

Also I started watching the official DN Abridged by Team Dattebayo, or at least up to Ray Penber, some of the stuff was pretty interesting and different. They seem to be taking it in an entirely different direction than me plot wise.

Now on to the part where you guys get notoriety

_**Lord Specter:**__ Hi, I love this, when I first went on it, I thought it was going to be a shoody Little Kuriboh clone, but instead it;s a funny, orginal abridged in it's own right._

I think the script from Episode 3 onwards is just great. I'm not sure if you said anything about it before apart from the author notes in Episode 2. But I'd like to make a Video Abridged Series of this.

I'm making the first episode as I write. When it is done, I'll post it privately on Youtube and you can watch it and see if it's good or not up to standard.

Is this all right by you?

Glad do exceed your expectations, I might have told you already but I'm fine with anyone doing a video version, and you're working on it now? Lemme see! Lemme see!

_**Butterfly-**__ First off: Thank you for making me laugh so hard that my Mother decided I had to go to a mental institution. The rooms are nice, and my cute white jacket is warm. Too bad I can't get it off._

Second: I miss Toonami. (Had to throw that out there)

And three: Dude, L in the Wired? Sweet. You know, if L decided to be MOAR awesome then he already is, all he'd have to do to ** off Light more is send a virus to his computer, so Misa won't have the computer as a distraction anymore.

Keep up the awesome work! I need to seem crazy enough to get some awesome meds! Heard they make you see all the colors of the alphabet!

I want a straight jacket too, one with hooks like Agito Wanjima in Air Gear. I guess I fulfilled three in this episode.

_**Stygian Styx- **__Good chapter, but what do you mean toonami is dead now? (I haven't watched it in two weeks or so) although adult swim is ** me off, what with their putting code geass on at 5:30 in favor of tim and eric or squid billies and whatnot._

Toonami is donesky. Tom said bang and jumped off the treehouse or whatever the hell it is now (I miss his spaceship and helmet) and flew off. Geass is back to a somewhat reasonable time, however I don't know about the future of anime on AS since Bleach's Bount arc, Moribito, and Geass all end around the same time, so I don't know if they are gonna renew Bleach/acquire something new.

That's all for now folks, see you all again in February, naw it shouldn't be that long and remember, Lelouch didn't die, he just went to help Jeremiah on the Orange Farm. It's true, it has to be!


	33. Episode 31

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. If I owned Death Note, I'd make Kentaro Miura's work ethic look good.

**Episode the 31****st****: **Trans-Fur, A Horrible New Fetish I Just Made Up.

**An oddly feminine man makes a cameo appearance in an Airport, just to let us know he's not in Japan, what could "he" be planning? On TV:**

J. Jonah Jameson: My fellow Kira supporters, storm the building all at once go inside and drag the Avengers out and show their faces to the cameras! Their heads will burst like ripe watermelons! I am J. Jonah Jameson Kira's voice, you must do as I say!

**Despite the Twilight movie having come out a good oh several years ago and since having a sequel when last I decided to do something, Misa is still not looking at the broadcast. Instead:**

Misa: I've been staring at my computer screen since 2008, Jaded Ninja will update soon, he promised he would have something by February!

**Over at the investigation HQ**

Light: What's the matter Nick Fury are you sick of these mother fucking Kira supporters outside this mother fucking building?

Near: You've got some nerve mocking me Kira

Light: Would you stop that already, jeez what is it with you people and your insistence I'm something I'm not

Near: Ah yes, I'm well aware of my predecessors knack for going off and tangents about latent homosexuality and other inconsequential matters. Unfortunately for you I channel all my bizarre energy into playing with toys, you'll never get me to forget my goal of exposing you as Kira.

Light: Near with all due respect, if Ryuzaki couldn't focus on the case for more than 5 minutes you don't stand a chance of not getting distracted.

Near: Members of the task force, please focus, don't be swayed by that smooth talking bastard, if you manage to stay on task for even 10 minutes you'll see that Light has to be Kira.

Aizawa:_ Light is Kira, this is sounding oddly familiar….didn't someone else say something like this once….I don't know I'm so confused all I can remember are discussions on bio-engineering and gay jokes….lots and lots of gay jokes._

**Back where the action is**

J. Jonah Jameson: What are you fools doing? Drag them outside now. Get together a posse and string them up!

**Man tries to break down the door and is stopped by another man.**

Man: I get to break in first! You got to break in first at the last riot!

Second man: Too bad, I already called it!

**Several floors up**

Rester: Commander Fury, shall I get your escape pod ready?

Near: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate this mob's chances.

Rester: Look I really applaud you for being able to stay on task for so long, but I think you need to come back to a place called reality, just for a second….we are about to get killed here.

Near: Naw, I'll just use L's legacy.

Rester: What's that some kind of super thinking power you have?

Near: No something much more effective 100 BILLION DOLLARS!

**Money rains from the sky**

Man: Okay you can break in first, I call the money!

Second man: Over my dead body!

J. Jonah Jameson: Stop fighting, get the Avengers already! Hey stop taking the money! I need that money to pay off this helicopter! Do you have any idea how much fuel it takes to fly nonstop from Japan to New York?

**Light's task force watches**

Matsuda: I…It's money, raining from the sky. Mom was right money really doesn't grow on trees, it falls like precipitation.

Ide: Matsuda….no you know what I don't feel like an aneurism today. Whatever you say is true.

Ryuk: Now I wish it was money that grew on trees instead of apples….

Jameson: Collect all the money Mr. Pilot! I might let you have some if you keep it from getting to those filthy peasants!

Misa: F5! F5! F5! No matter how many times I refresh it still doesn't say there's a new chapter! But if he doesn't finish this when will Code Geass Abridged come out!

**The police arrive and the Avengers suit up in riot gear to make their escape.**

Near: See and you didn't want to buy the TIE Fighter pilot cosplay set. Never gonna wear it you said, waste of money you said.

**The police rush out and Light desperately tries to identify Near.**

Light: _Where is he? Come on searching skills don't fail me now, come on, come on. Dammit! _Where are you Waldo!

Aizawa: _I never realized it before but Light really is scatterbrained._

**In the aftermath**

Matsuda: Do you think maybe other things fall from the sky too? Like what if the rainbow is just the shiny aftereffect of a pot of gold falling from Heaven

Ide: Matsuda, shut up! Every word you utter kills more and more of my brain cells

Ryuk: Maybe the red part of the rainbow is really apples?

Light: Quiet for a second Near is calling.

Near: That's Nick Fury to you. We've managed to relocate to a new location with minimal casualties.

Light: That's sad to hear, who did you lose in the escape.

Near: My limited edition Model set of EVAs didn't make it. Such a senseless loss of life.

Light: But the actual people are still alive right?

Near: Silly L, they're just models, they don't actually come with pilots.

Light: Right….

Near: Anyway I just wanted to let you know that by now your task force should be fully suspicious of your obscuring the truths of the investigation. Please if you want to leave this weirdo and team up with me, call the number I gave you. Live long and prosper.

Matsuda: Man Light he's really hammering you about the ADD.

Light: I've been thinking, and if any of you want to go team up with that self righteous Otaku bastard, go right ahead. I don't need you on my task force of people dedicated to solving the intricate mysteries of life.

Matsuda: I thought we were trying to catch Kira

Light: Oh a lecture in not going off topic from Mr. Money falls from the Sky. Well excuse me if I don't just pretend to understand what crazy pipe dream you're talking about now! What the fuck is a Kira anyway? Some retarded ass pronounciation of Killer? Maybe you should go join Near, maybe he'll let you play with his models. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

**Later at Afro-I mean regular hairstyle House.**

Aizawa: _It's not like I don't have fun discussing random things with Light, but is this really what the Deputy Director died for?_

Regular Hairstyle-Kid: Dad what are you doing up?

Aizawa: I'm trying to make a life altering decision here, it requires serious thought.

RH-K: That's not the dad I know, you just jump headlong into everything, like the time you cut off your afro, you didn't think at all about it, just off with it. You should just follow your heart.

Aizawa: I see, thank you dear.

**Light is pensive:**

Light: _Damn Near is seeing right through my strategy of deflection to keep them from catching Kira. It's not like I'm actually scatterbrained or anything. I can be serious when I want to. Like right now. I'll be completely serious and think of a way out. No dodging the issue whatsoever, nope._

**Back home**

Misa: Yay a call from Light!

Light: Hi Misa, I just….ugh…wanted to see how you were.

Misa: I'm surprised, you never call me at all!

Light: Yeah I'm just, totally interested in you right now, not at all trying not to focus on something important and so desperate I'll even talk to you.

**Someone however was getting something done.**

Aizawa: Hello Mr. Fury….I'm Aizawa, I'm with the Japanese task force.

**Commercial Bump**

_**Top 5 Ways to Get a Lazy Writer off His Ass and Back to Working on Fanfiction.**_

_5) Sign him up for a creative writing class! – That's right, make so that if he doesn't write he fails the course! And then have the teacher make everyone promise to continue writing over the summer._

_4) Have him attempt to come up with the plot for an even more difficult original series! – Zombie on human romance, umm what was that silly thing I did where I watched anime and made jokes again?_

_3) Have his family all bring friends over driving him into his room! – I'm antisocial, I can't deal with this many people at once._

_2) Put his fanfiction on a website people go to! – I'm such an attention whore, as soon as I saw this linked on TV Tropes I had to come back._

_1) Get his sister to agree to punch him if he doesn't update by Saturday night! – One last failsafe, I'm sure she's more than willing to comply if I don't meet my deadline._

**End Commercial Bump**

Misa: So the time has finally come, if I do this Light will finally have sex with me. This is what light wants for me! I'll finally be happy!

**Back to more Pressing matters**

Near: That's very interesting you're saying that there were two suspects who were detained on suspicion of being gay?

Aizawa: Yes it's not a time we're especially proud of, there were some laughs involved to be sure, but it didn't make much logical sense in the story progression. Ultimately it ended when the chief pretended to try to take them to reform camp and pray the gay away or something. I dunno, it's hard to explain, you'd actually have to go back and reread that part.

Near: _I see Kira is very cunning he no doubt used this incident to through everyone off the trail. Taking advantage of the latent homosexual undertones of the series and the perverted mind of an 18 year old to prove his innocence and heterosexuality. Well Done. _Out of curiosity did the suspect volunteer to be detained?

Aizawa: Come to think of it Light did agree to be detained.

Near: Well then I'd say that settles the matter wouldn't you? Well then who were they?

Aizawa: Well it was Light and Mis-err uh Light Lunch and Misaki Ayuzawa. Yeah. Them. _Smooth recovery Aizawa._

Near: Those names sound particularly suspicious, are you sure that you're being straight with me? Well no matter you've been more than helpful especially that bit about the Shinigami eyes. I'm sure the internet auctioneers will find that most useful. I'll finally have enough money to buy that issue of Spiderman 1.

Gevanni: Was that really enough Nick Fury? Shouldn't you have pressed him for more?

Near: I think that was more than enough for now. Don't forget that auction closes in 48 hours, we need to get some Shinigami eyes, and fast. And any way I discovered something very important the person suspectived of being Kira is Light Yagami. Light Lunch? Come on, what am I two?

**The next day in Japan.**

Aizawa: Light there's something you should know. I'm phoned Near.

Light: Way to stab me in the back. Your cut off your loyalty with your afro?

Aizawa: I'm sorry to have to do this I want to put you under surveillance again. Misa too.

Matsuda: Hang on Aizawa you can't watch Misa! That's perverted!

Light: No go right ahead. Oh man guess I can't have any more crazy sex with Misa. Not while Aizawa is watching! Oh gosh golly drat!

**Outside**

Mogi: I'm coming with you Aizawa, no one knows how to handle Misa quite like I do.

Aizawa: You lying bastard, you just wanna eat sweets again.

Mogi: MISA MISA'S NUMBER ONE HYPER DIABETIC MANAGER! I DON'T HAVE LONG TO LIVE, SOMEONE CHECK MY BLOOD SUGAR!

**Inside**

Ide: _It would be best for everyone if Light wasn't gay. Or Kira. Dammit I can't fucking remember what We're trying to prove here. Hmm I should probably go read the manga and find out. _

**At Misa's house.**

Misa: Oh Mr. Delivery Boy, thank you for the Pizza I'm afraid I don't have any money, perhaps we could try some sort of alternate pay-Oh you're not Light….

Aizawa: _Do I feel awkward right now. What kind of freaky stuff are Light and Misa up to? _Umm we just received a tip about a bomb being planted in L's house, and we came to check it out and make sure my pants….I mean the kitchen doesn't explode.

Misa: WHAT? Is Light okay? It must be series if he forget roleplaying night! I have to call him!

Mogi: MISA MISA! YOU CAN'T CALL LIGHT RIGHT NOW! I NEED A COOKIE AND FAST! ALSO THE BOMB REACTS TO ELECTRONIC WAVES OR SOME KIND OF BULLSHIT I'M TOTALLY NOT MAKING UP! COOKIES WOMAN! DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE RIGHT HERE IN THE HALLWAY?

Aizawa: Ignore Mogi's complete lack of understanding about how diabetes works, just please go put on some real clothes, I'm trying to stay faithful to my wife and kids and you're not making it any easier.

Misa: OH I get it, you think Light is Kira and/or gay and want to stay here to see if I'm secretly communicating with him via Death Note and/or acting like we have a very active sex life when in reality Light hasn't touched me in seven years and was checking out the boy who cleans the apartment complex's pool last week.

Aizawa: What?

Misa: I mean….I'M GETTING THE COOKIES NOW!

Light: _Kira I hope Misa didn't just blurt out something completely stupid and revealing._

**And so a search for bombs, gay porn magazines, Death Notes, something commences in Light's Apartment, but that's just a boring montage. Let's see what Matsuda is up to!**

Matsuda: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Ide, can I borrow your Mac?

Ide: Go away Matsuda, I'm playing Touhou.

Matsuda: If you don't want me to fill up your harddrive with hentai, just say so. Even I know you can't play Touhou without Windows. Guess I'll watch Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour, I wonder who J. Jonah Jameson's guest is tonight.

**Time for Japan's most beloved program (or else!) to start.**

Jameson: Greetings all you slant eyed oriental bastards! I am J. Jonah Jameson the voice of our God Kira. Behold my amazing Quincy style outfit! Tonight I would like to talk, as I usually do, about how liberals are actually Nazi Communists in disguise trying to indoctrinate our children against Kira!

Matsuda: Nazi Communists! I knew they were up to no good!

**Apparently Misa still hasn't changed several hours later. But then you probably wouldn't change too if you had 2 middle aged Japanese men watching your every move.**

Misa: So is everything okay?

Aizawa: Umm yeah, we umm haven't seen the poison gas canister anywhere.

Misa: I thought it was a bomb.

Aizawa: That too, we umm didn't want to worry you….or something. Umm Mogi this is against my better judgement but I think I'll stay here, you can go.

Misa: Umm but don't you have a wife and family to go back to?

Aizawa: Yes well you see Mogi is actually a robot and can only refuel back at headquarters. His batteries are running low.

Misa: Why did they design a diabetic robot?

Aizawa: Wow I am really dropping the ball here tonight. Mogi it's probably better if you stay. I'm going to reflect long and hard on how my life got to this point.

Misa: This is why you don't get rid of Afros. You're just not cute or even smart anymore!

**Back to the Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour.**

Jameson: Nazis! Communists! Spiderman! All Bad! Give me Money! Money! Money! Money! Kira is Good! More Donations to me!

Matsuda: I liked this show better before he sold out.

Light: _I know giving power to a money hungry egomaniac wasn't the best idea in the world. But I'm a fucking mass murderer, good help is so hard to come by. I mean is there anyone who's on my team who's not somehow mentally disturbed?_

Matsuda: Aizawa, you're missing Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour!

Aizawa: Matsuda how many times have I told you to stop watching this garbage.

Light: Oh let him watch what he wants, we each get to pick one show, that was the rule.

Jameson: And now, let me introduce to you the Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour Band! On Guitar!

Mikami: DELETED!

**His head ASPLODE!**

Jameson: Umm clearly someone was partying too hard last night, ON BASS!

Mikami: DELETED!

**More ASPLOSION**

Mikami: Behold the power of my years of training under the legendary pen masters. LASER DELETION!

**ASPLODE!**

Mikami: MY PEN IS THE PEN THAT WILL PIERCE THE PAPER! DELETED!

**ASPLOSION CONTINUES!**

**Mikami begins a slow sexy walk up the notebook like he's trying to seduce it.**

Jameson: I realize the errors of my ways! I promise I'll never lie or defame someone or steal money from anyone ever again! I'll live honestly, a good life! I'll donate to charity. Actually wow all that sounds really boring and unpleasant. I don't really want to do any of it. Just fucking kill me.

Mikami: AND NOW TASTE MY UNBLOCKABLE UNDODGEABLE SUPER MOVE! SA! KU! JO! DELETED! Be erased from existence from the slime you are.

**WE ARE EXPERIENCING KIRA RELATED TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. SAKURA TV, PLEASE STAND BY.**

Aizawa: They actually have a Kira specific Technical difficulties card?

Matsuda: Haha look it's a little cartoon guy on the floor with no head.

Light: Matsuda how can you laugh at a time like this, 5 people just die-oh wait now I see it. Hilarious.

Aizawa: _What's going on here? It's not that funny. I should just laugh and pretend I get it too._

Light: _Mikami, well he's another nutjob, but hey nutjobs have worked out for me so far. He probably won't betray me, he's like a male Misa. Male Misa? I like the sound of that. He practically worships me. I was right to choose him. Truth be told he wasn't my first choice of prosecuting attorney but Von Karma is in Jail and Edgeworth went all soft after losing a couple times. Oh well, win some lose some._

Mikami: Shinigami, thank you for coming to me. Now I can finally punish evil doers without having to deal with the pesky Japanese legal system and that damn Pheonix Wright. OBJECT this bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ryuk: Hey dude, I just glad to be back on the frontlines with the psychopaths where I belong. By the way, you don't give me apples, I'll freaking kill you.

**Author's Note: ***Looks around* anyone still out there? ?

Umm so

Given that I started this in 2007 at 18 and it is now 2010 I decided I should try to finish it this summer. I guess you guys shouldn't get your hopes up or nothing. Just enjoy this one. Maybe you'll get another, I can't say at this point.

Anyone who's still left, thanks tons for your patience. I hope seeing this brightened your day just a little bit.


	34. Episode 32

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do.

_SAKU!_

_SAKU!_

_SAKU!_

_SAKUJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_Teru Mikami is on the move,_

_Cuz criminals are loose!_

_With his magic, laser pen sword,_

_He'll send them to the noose!_

_SAKU, SAKU, SAKU, SAKUJO!_

_SAKU, SAKU, SAKU, SAKUJO!_

_SAKU, SAKU, SAKU, SAKUJO!_

_SAKU, SAKU, SAKU, SAKUJO!_

_!_

_Sakujo._

**Episode the 32****nd****: Erection**

**Narrator: **The average Japanese adult would say that Teru Mikami had a deep seated mental issue. He took a hard line black and white stance on morality from a young age. And compared to the average Japanese person, Teru had been through far more miseries. We're not talking your pathetic "wha why didn't Christine let me take her to the prom." No, we're talking Japanese "bullies who sodomize you in the bathroom because you didn't pay them protection money."

**Riding on the train.**

Mikami witnesses some kids picking on another kid: _Damn I hate riding on the train, with all these lowly people. I'm the freaking divine hand of god on earth. Don't I at least deserve some kind of Kiramobile? Even when I was class President, nobody gave me any damn respect. Look at this flashback, I'm the class president and I'm getting beaten up. I soon realized that alone I was powerless, but if I got every kid who got beaten up by those bullies together we would…well okay we still got beaten up. Maybe I should have gone out for sports, but my damn asthma prevented me from running. And then the pimples didn't help. But now I'm bigger and stronger than those kids, I can do whatever I want to them. Time for a little vicarious revenge._

**Mikami puts his hand on the bully's shoulder. The next scene is of him walking to work.**

Mikami: Throw me off the train will you, we don't approve of 30 year old men beating the snot out of nine year olds in public you say, well we'll see how you like an acute case of head asplosion.

**He enters his office and takes out his Middle School yearbook.**

Mikami: _And why the hell did the year book committee put tons of pictures of me getting the snot beat out of me into this? Here's a picture where I'm stripped naked in the classroom. Where the hell are the teachers? Looking back I really wish I'd taken that opportunity to study abroad. The only person on my side was my mother._

**Flashback**

Mom: Teru, you have to learn to keep your head low and not draw attention to yourself. This is Japan, where conformity and compliance are extolled and individuality is frowned upon. There's no reason for you to get beat up like this. All you need to do is study, study, study and become a salaryman working 21 hours a day. Soon you'll learn to drown the emptiness you feel inside in alcohol and prostitutes. Like a mature adult.

Mikami: _Hmm come to think of it, she wasn't on my side at all. Bitch, I'm glad she got hit by a car. Yes the miracle. Those bastards who stripped me naked crashed their car while joyriding and died instantly. They also hit my mother, even the screenshot you see clearly shows them hitting a lamp pole. My mother worked as a lamp pole you see. Not a literal lamp pole, but she sat on top of it and held a lantern. Some people said that we should replace unwed mothers with actual electric lights. But that's beside the point, the point here is that as a 16 year old recently orphaned by his mother and no father to speak of, my life had finally started to turn around. At first I was like "oh shit, now where am I going to live?" but then it dawned on me. Think of everyone whose lives were now suddenly better that they were all dead. Yes think of the women those morons wouldn't knock up at alcohol laden parties, think of the state money that would be saved not sending them to college, think of the school's GPA rising ever so slightly and getting more funding for club activities without their F's dragging us down. Yes I was right with them gone our classroom became a quiet, peaceful place. The children cried tears of what I assume to be joy. I even got some pity sex now that my mom was dead. It was the best 75 seconds of my life._

_Somehow I got into college, and I noticed that people just kept getting stupider and stupider. Worthless wastes of space that would never reform. Some people blame the newfound independence and overflow of readily available alcoholic beverages and still developing minds. Those people are idiots. _

_Mysteriously every person I judged as evil was somehow taken care of. Was it coincidence? Was it the result of their own excess getting the better of them and completely natural? Had I somehow developed a split personality and begun murdering people in waking dreams? In the end it didn't matter. Divine judgment must be brought upon evil, and if it doesn't happen naturally then someone has to do it. That is why I became a prosecutor. No wishy washy story about thinking I accidently killed my own father in an elevator during earthquake. No I just wanted to see some suckers burn. And then I found out Japan had outlawed the death penalty in all cases other than murder. That sucked. Then God came and all was cool again. _

_God had seen that I hated evil. So I began working out, attending rallies, making speeches, anything to make God notice me and my now perfectly sculpted abs. Then it happened._

_GOD NOTICED ME! NOT ONLY THAT BUT HE HAD GIVEN ME A MAGIC NOTEBOOK WITH WHICH TO FORCE PEOPLE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME! Or so I thought. Well you can't really blame me for being mistaken I mean, Dream Note….Death Note…..DON'T JUDGE ME!_

_Ahem. With this I decided to put away my hentai doujinshi, collectible anime figures, and visual novels and I would carry out God's will, in the most flamboyantly awesome manner possible. I began training night and day learning hundreds of new pen techniques from the ancient masters. This manga runs in Shonen Jump after all, somebody here has to call out their attacks. And soon I was rewarded! I now had the ability to make lasers appear when I wrote in the Death Note! I was like the crusading hero of justice, armed with my mighty pen, which incidentally is in fact, STRONGER THAN THE SWORD!_

**Commercial Bump.**

_**Teru Mikami for Dummies**_

_Teru Mikami's backstory is like an evil version of Miles Edgeworth's. Both end up as Prosecutors with a flamboyant dramatic way of doing their work. Coincidence?_

_Teru Mikami combines the loving devotion of Misa Amane, the intelligence of Light's father, and the insane desire to kill of Viking Berserker trying to get into Valhalla._

**End Commercial Bump.**

**Now that we've learned a bit about what makes Mikami tick, what is Light up to?**

Light: _Mikami made the move to kill J. Jonah Jameson without asking me. Now there's no one to spread my message to the world! Well I suppose I could start a blog or something but I've got suspicious teammates watching me like a hawk. This is nothing like the last five years. Damn it Mikami you got me into this mess, solve it already._

Mikami: _I've got no message from Kira. He hasn't told me weather my purple shirt complements my blue hair transformation sequence. He must be in a situation where he can't move freely. Maybe I should go stir up something up to throw the scent off him._

Matsuda: Hey guys check it out, they found the Batboy who's the father of Madonna's tigerbaby! Let's see if the news is covering this story or if they've covered up the truth of the National Enquirer once again!

**Turns on TV**

Takeda: Good Evening and welcome to the Kira News Network, I'm your host, Kiyomi Takeda. For those of you wondering what happened to the Nippon News and Bizarre Gameshow Network, we have decided to change our name to reflect our parent companies recent purchase of the valuable Kira Spokesperson rights from Sakura TV. Yes it is with great pride that we announce Kira has decided to join a legitimate news network and not a madhouse of lies and disingenuousness run by what we can only assume to be the foulest and most ill-mannered of apes. I your host Kiyomi Takeda will be-

Light: _I see she still never shuts up. _

Matsuda: Typical Liberal media insiders, burying the truth while the batboy is free to run around knocking up starlets. When will he be brought to justice!

Mogi: _Damn that is one hot piece of ass, didn't she used to date Light? Man for someone who's so obviously gay he gets all the chicks. Maybe I should start making covert passes to Aizawa. That might get me more dates._

Light: _What the hell is Mogi doing over there with Aizawa, _ _this is an investigation force not a speed dating service. Are they trying to out me? I better stare at Takeda's boobs for awhile to show off how heterosexual I am. Maybe I should start going out with her again. Yeah, one woman is not enough for such a masculine sex machine as Light Yagami. I need many women to satisfy my insatiable lust._

Mikami: _Kiyomi Takeda, I met her once at a debate program. I asked her out on a couple dates after that, but that bitch just wanted someone to buy her a meal. I'll never forget what she said, "Sorry but I only want to be with Kira." Once I got the Death Note I decided to ask her out again, but still no good. She figured out almost immediately I wasn't the original Kira. But that came in handy, she practically revels in being Kira's official spokesperson, all I had to do was promise to let her meet Kira. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. _

Aizawa: _Well that was awfully nice of Mogi. He wants to take me out to see a movie and get dinner next week. I should really hang out with him more. I used to think he was kinda weird the way he was always introverted and rarely on camera, but now I see he's a really cool guy underneath._

Light: Everyone I just had an idea. We can use Kiyomi Takeda to find the Batboy. I used to date her back in college.

Aizawa: _Wasn't Light dating Misa then? Light, it's not cool to cheat on your girlfriend. Furthermore if you could date Takeda why would you even consider dating Misa? Hell how could you even understand Misa enough to ask her out back then?_

Light: It's obvious she's getting messages from that elusive bastard. If we investigate her we can find some kind of link between her and the mass government conspiracy to keep the real news hidden from the public.

Matsuda: Wow Light this is the most interest in any of my ideas you've ever shown why the sudden change?

Aizawa: Aren't we part of the government, why are we trying to expose a conspiracy about ourselves?

Light: Because I'm trying to run a deflection operation distracting you from the fact that I am obviously gay, obviously Kira, and Near breathing down my neck waiting for me to slip up at any second.

Matsuda: Sarcasm I get it! You're so funny Light.

Light: Exactly. This won't be easy. I'll have to use every seduction technique I've ever employed to woo a woman to bed to get her to spill her secrets about the Batboy. We used to talk a lot in college and one thing is clear. She's really an alien cultist trying to cover up the Batboy's tracks.

Aizawa: *Gasp*

Light: But we might be able to use that to our advantage. The government is covering up the Batboy's tracks because he pays them a lot of money. So I'll say I'm with the government trying to get more financial support from the Batboy in order to help our country get out of a sticky economic crisis in addition to added liberty for the batboy. It'll sound good to her, and she'll be willing to help us. And then I'll make her squeal like a pig in heat and bring her over to our side.

Matsuda: Will that really work.

Light: It's a big risk but we have to take it.

Ide: I agree, we can't pass up a lead like this.

Light: Then I'll call her tonight.

Aizawa: Light, if you don't mind I'd like to listen in on your conversation with Takeda.

Light: You want to hear me dirty talk a woman? Why don't you go pay 9.99 a minute like everyone else.

Aizawa: Well when you put it that way I sound like a pervert.

**Later at the phone call.**

Light: Hey Kiyomi remember that one thing you always wanted but I never gave you to?

Takeda: You mean sex?

Light: Hahahaha, yeah that, well due to circumstances I've been thinking a lot and I'm finally ready to give you that important thing. Can we talk sometime.

Takeda: I'm sorry Light, but I'm saving myself for Kira now.

Light: Well I know you've always been his biggest fan but it's about that. See he wanted me talk to you, see I'm with the government now, and we're trying to get in touch with you. We need him, we need you, and most importantly I need you.

Takeda: Let me get this straight. The government wants to talk to Kira, and you want to have sex with me, so they sent you to me?

Light: Well don't think about it too much. The point is, we need to talk.

Takeda: You're being incredibly awkward about all this. Furthermore aren't you with Misa?

Light: Yes but well, that situation is _complicated_. But the bottom line is she's just not intelligent enough for me. I need someone better. Look I'm not asking you to jump in bed with me just hear me out okay?

Takeda: Fine after tonight's broadcast.

Light: Meet me at the pier at midnight we will stare out at the ocean one last time.

**Misa is having dinner with Mochi**

Misa: Mogi, your cooking is fantastic. You're really sure you can't eat any of this?

Mogi: NO MISA MISA! MY FAILING INTERNAL ORGANS DUE TO DIABETES SEVERELY LIMIT MY DIET!

**They're being spied upon by Mello and Silent Matt. Mello has unwisely given the task of watching the feed to Silent Matt who seems otherwise contented to play DS. Mello on the other hand has decided to jam out to his tunes. Just goes to show you don't wiretap someone's house and go get high and forget about it.**

Mello: _Fucking Love Greatful Dead. Aww shit I got the munchies. _*Bite*

**Back to Mikami**

Teru: _Kira still hasn't contacted me. I really need to know if I should buy more purple shirts or not. This one is starting to smell, I should wash it. But what if the very second I take it off Kira contacts me and wants to see it! Actually wouldn't it look pretty crappy now. I've been sweating a lot since my AC went out. The pits to this thing are probably pretty nasty. That settles it I'll go wash this shirt and shower after I watch that hot news chick Takeda._

Takeda: Good evening and welcome to the 9 o'clock news. We start off tonight with the tragic story of a kitten who completely unraveled her ball of yarn and was unable to play with it anymore, denying Youtube users thousands of cute comments. In lighter news, Kira's words are to become law. It is no longer enough to just not commit crimes. Get off your asses you lazy sons of bitches and start contributing to society or Kira will make your heads Asplode.

Light: _Dammit Mikami, I know it gets boring killing all three people in the world who are still willing to commit a crime, but I wanted to be the first one to kill lazy people off. I have to tell him to back off until I waste that Albino._

Aizawa: Matsuda how is it?

Matsuda: Are we really going to film Light doing the horizontal limbo with Takeda?

Aizawa: Alright I'm heading back downstairs.

Matsuda: I'm having severe moral and ethical questions about the legality of what we're doing here.

Light: Silence, I must mentally prepare myself. *Stares out the window*

**Takeda enters the room**

Light: We live in a cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You. Complete me.

Takeda: Shut up.

Light: I had you at hello?

Takeda: No you retard. I told you I'm saving myself for Kira. You didn't even say hello!

Light: Oh well I suppose we should get down to business. You may only call me Mr. Takeda when you are completely, perfectly, and incandescently happy.

Takeda: Why am I Mr. Darcy? Shouldn't you go with "you have bewitched me body and soul" if you're going to make a Pride and Prejudice reference?

Ide: What is Light doing, he's just saying lines from romance movies and novels. He's not even getting them right.

Matsuda: I'm still confused as to why we're filming this.

Aizawa: Are they doing it yet?

Matsuda: No Light seems to be off his game. It must have been awhile since Misa was so easy.

**Takeda's cell phone rings**

Takeda: Kira….

Light: _Crap that's the last work I needed the kindergarteners downstairs to hear._

Ide: She just said Kira!

Aizawa: Hey! We've gotten off task again! There's a serial killer on the loose!

Light: You should umm answer that.

Takeda: No I'm with an idiot right now. Stop calling me all the time. I don't want to hear about your purple shirt. He wanted to show off his lack of knowledge of Jane Austen all of sudden.

Light: _She's tearing me to freaking pieces. Is it weird I find this hot?_

Mikami: _He's moving in on my girl! _I'd like to speak with him if I may.

Takeda: He said he wants to speak with you. You fools might just get along.

Light: _Oh wait, that's Mikami. Well at least I can talk to someone in who's goal isn't to mock every word I say._

Matsuda: Light is talking to Kira!

Ide: Wow he thinks fast, it would have taken me another 10 minutes to recover from that embarrassing mistake.

Mikami: Hey pal, back off Takeda she's all mine! You hear?

Light: That purple shirt looks damn good on you.

Mikami: YOU'RE GOD!

Light: _No shit Sherlock. Ah the words of undying praise, how I've missed you. _

Mikami: God, you want to bone Takeda?

Light: Strangely, yes.

Mikami: Would you mind terribly if we had a threesome sometime?

Light: I'll think about it.

Mikami: We must celebrate this occasion! Turn to Sakura TV!

Light: Why is there a new episode of the Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour tonight?

Aizawa: Doesn't a host dying on screen usually spell the end of a series?

New Host: And that is why unlike J. Jonah Jameson I definitely will not be ki-*ASPLODE*

Ide: They really need to stop relying on deaths for cheap ratings pops.

Light: _Mikami I just may give you that threesome you wanted. This is so just as planned. I haven't been this turned on in forever._

**Light writes: I need to get freaky right now, stop watching me you perverts.**

Matsuda: Right now? But a guy just died.

Aizawa: Matsuda, you must never interfere with a friends sex drive. Even if it means he's bringing home a mass murderer, or worse, the fat, ugly chick.

Takeda: What the hell just happened?

Light: You said you wanted Kira right?

Takeda: Well yes, but not that guy on the phone, he's just a creepy puppet.

Light: Listen up Kiyomi. Kira…..is me! **On phone **Look all this tearing down of my self confidence and then the sudden elation of being worshipped like the god I am has made me incredibly hot right now. I need you to give me alone time right now.

Mikami: I understand, I'll take care of everything on my end god. **Hangs up.**

Light: Do you understand, I'm Kira. The man on the phone is one of my followers I've shared my power with.

Takeda: I can't believe it's you. I was a little skeptical about you, you seemed like you'd lost a step or two since college but you're still the genius bastard you always were. To think this whole time you were Kira, that obfuscating stupidity act was just to throw me off the trail.

Light: I'm going to ask you to do two things you may seem very weird right now but I need you to put up with them. First, I have a Death Note in my pants, if I remove it I'm going to lose all memory of this, so I have to keep it on.

Takeda: Weird, but understandable, what's the second?

Light: I need you to wear a large mirror. I have to watch myself while I do it. This is non-negotiable.

**Afterwards**

Matsuda: Light are you okay?

Light: Gentleman, I know it's been a rough and testy few years with some doubts, but I can finally say for sure. I am definitely not gay.

**Author's Note: **Well what do you know? It turns out Light wasn't gay. He might be bisexual or self sexual though.

Well what do you know I actually updated in back to back weeks. Expect the world to end before the next update (This is not a reference to how slow I am but to how unlikely this series of events was).

Be sure to let me know if my quality is up to standards, I'm not exactly sure myself sometimes, wahaha.

Now it's time for reviews to get some comments.

Long one from anonymous person:

_..AGH. I read My Immortal. It's so pathetically awful it's almost funny... Especially the way THAT PERSON keeps insisting that it's decent writing... -shudder- I don't even know why I read it... -twitch twitch-_

HOW can she insist that Ebony(Enoby, Enony, Eboby...) Something-'Goffic' Who-the-crap-has-a-mental-disorder-for-a-middle-name? Changes-randomly Way (WTC? Way? At least it's a decent name) is not a Mary-Sue? And that she has decent spelling? Did she write My Immortal on a freaking CELL PHONE? Is English her second language? Or third? Or fifth? HOW can she insist that the characters are IC? THEY'VE ALL GONE EMO AND BEEN MOVED TO SLYTHERIN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Oh, SORRY, I meant GOFFIC. Not EMO. Because EMO people are all PREPPY POSERS, am I right? She can't even spell the character's NAMES right, for God's sake! She can't even spell her OWN character's name right! She CAN'T EVEN SPELL "SMILED", FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

End of rant. I just needed to do that... badly... :/ My immortal permanently scarred the grammar/spelling portion of my brain. -multiple eyetwitches-

It's awesome isn't it?__

REM IS AWESOME. Don't try to deny it, or TEH HIPPIE DRAFT HORSE WILL GET J00.

Well I definitely don't want THAT.__

...XD Matsuda is Mario. I always thought he was Japanese, not Italian. 0.o

MASTUDA IS A HOMUNCULUS! Then... MARIO IS, TOO! THOSE COINS MUST HAVE BITS OF RED STONE IN THEM! THAT'S HOW HE ALWAYS RESURRECTS! :O

Bison: OF COURSE!

_...Aerosmith..? -clueless-_

Popular 1980s band from Massachusetts, you've probably heard Dream On at one of your school dances.

_Sand...Rock..? What is a sandrock..?_

IT'S A GUNDAM *Explodes*

_K..? Was giving it the same abbreviation as 'Ku Klux Klan' intentional..? D:_

I often make jokes about giving organizations the same initials as the Klan. It's in poor taste I should really stop

JJWitya etc and so on.

_Yo, long-time listener, first-time caller. First and foremost: Love it. More than bunnies._

Let's not be hasty.

_A few other things:_

That "You punch like Lelouch Lamperouge" line in... whatever chapter... was that supposed to be like "You fight like Anne Rice!" or am I imagining the connection?

it is….NOW!

_I pray that I'm not the only one who appreciated the obligatory Airplane! references._

I just want to let you know we're all counting on you._  
I love how ADD you made the taskforce.  
_Me too__

Finally: I was disappointed when Misa started talking right. And I'm not sure whether to be proud or sad that I understood EVERYTHING she said. EVER. (Does hats meyk m3 goffik, 2?)

It makes you better than me. I can't even remember sometimes what I was trying to right.

Kwest82:

_I don't even know where to begin... LOL This has got to be one of the most brilliant parodies I've ever read. The variety of references were awesome. Dr. Reid, Bret Hart, Lulu... lol But when ever I read Misa-speak I thought my head would... ASPLODE!_

*attempting to pick up bits of skull and brain matter* Wait... this is your fault you should be on brain detail! We're switchin', I'm washin' the windows and you're pickin' up my skull...

No Dice. I don't fix brains I destroy them slowly and turn them into mushy pulp.

Mrs. L Lawliet.

_lol, wicked story so far!_

Someone's from New England.

Miharu is Haruka's love child:

_LOL Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference is a total win! And just so you know, for the whole Kanto thing w/pokemon a few chapters back, Palette town is a real district in Tokyo and it's freaking awesome! They have giant rooms filled with claw machines full of "adult" prizes. :D_

"Adult" Prizes? Oh noez think of the children. I didn't know that actually.

Nagi-chan

_WOW! this has to be the BEST parody i've ever read!_

Go read more parodies. LOL

Kaiko Aozora:

_Wow, you updated? I thought this was dead! 0.o How long has it been since you last updated this?_

Anyway, you just made my day. ^.^ Good job, and I hope life works out for you.

2008? Something like that. It was a long time ago.

Shadow Dragoness

_You've done an awesome job massacring Light and Misa's (lack of a) relationship and I enjoyed your take on Mikami's introduction. Also, the little headless cartoon guy on Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour with the Kira-centric technical difficulty bit - I laughed out loud. Your sense of humor is very impressive, and I wish there were more sources of it in writing today. Awesome job!  
_

My suggestion. Watch Gintama or something by Studio Shaft. This time I found myself consciously imitating that kind of style. It's sort of like a self aware deadpan I think.

_If you're interested at all in a little constructive criticism to improve - it might come in handy for your creative writing class, though I'm not sure how you'll view it at this point - I noticed a few words that were out of place. For instance, you put "through" when I believe you meant "throw" at one point, "throw them off the case," or something. There could also be a few more commas to set off interjections and pauses in speech for names and evaluations. Also, I noticed a few missing "to"s and "and"s and "it"s here and there. Little things, I suppose, but I guess I'm precise._

You are correct. I don't proofread so these things slip through. I'll try to be better about that.

Right so that's all I have to say about that!

Damn you people making be stay up past 2 AM working on these things. But I love it and I love staying up late so it works out I suppose!

Until next time. Read and Review or I might wither and die like a flower without the sun! Or something dramatic like that!


	35. Episode 33

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. This disclaimer in no way offers me any legal protection, nor do I probably need it. It is simply a waste of words in a heading that you've probably come to skip over by now. That's not very nice you know. This heading needs love too. Just for that I'm going to continue this heading right in the

Near: The person I think can only be straight is one man, Light Yagami.

Takeda: This is Kiyomi Takeda of News Six. I have an announcement from Kira. Light Yagami is in no way homosexual, a butt pirate, a fag, a fruit, or any other words that imply he enjoys male-on-male sexual intercourse.

Light: I cannot stress this enough, I am heterosexual, I like women.

Aizawa: huh?

Takeda: Please excuse me, I was just suddenly impressed by your manly woman loving ways.

Matsuda: He's totally straight?

Aizawa: We already knew that.

Light: Listen Kiyomi, I am really really horny and I need women to satisfy me.

Takeda: Light….is….straight?

**Episode the 33****rd****: **sKoЯn

Near: _What the hell was that? I don't remember anyone saying any of that. Is Light Yagami altering the audio tracks from the recap to try to lie about his sexuality. I will not stand for this. I must go to Japan and right this wrong. After I finish cutting these square pieces of paper for some ill-defined reason._ Captain America.

Rester: Yes?

Near: I'm afraid I need you to return to Gotham City immediately.

Rester: Gotham City is a DC Comics reference, why are you breaking character?

Near: Because I haven't had enough time to rename our hideout after we lost the Baxter Building, and I don't feel like coming up with a good one since we're about to go to Japan.

Rester: Well couldn't I just fly to Japan from here?

Near: No that will be impossible.

Rester: Why is that?

Near: As a borderline autistic, albino, foreigner who spends his days reading comic books and building model weapons, privy to many national secrets, and involved in a dangerous criminal investigation I am unfortunately on the "no-fly" list. I need a United States government official to get my passport and visa and clear me for departure.

Rester: Is that all?

Near: …..I'm also afraid of heights and need you to hold my hand.

Rester: …..

Near: I swear if you tell Ironman or the other Avengers I will have Mello kill you.

**And so Rester and flew to Japan on their on private plane. Despite his fear of heights Near still insisted he get the window seat. Rester also had to pay for the headphones to watch the in flight movie.**

Matsuda: I know we're in the middle of an on again off again criminal investigation guys, but Misa Misa got a contract with Yoshida Productions and NHN! She's a hot commodity right now! Isn't that exciting?

Ide: Look Matsuda I know we have a poor track record when it comes to these things, but we're not getting distracted this time. I even wrote Kira on my arm in permanent marker so I wouldn't forget what I'm supposed to be doing here.

Light: He's right, we'll just give this one to Mogi. He looks like he's in sore need of a side plot right now. I'll keep you posted on how it develops.

**The computer screen flashes N.**

Near: This is Nick Fury I want to speak with Kira.

Light: Do we have voicemail for this thing yet?

Aizawa: It's a computer Light, just take the call.

Light: I'm sorry the number you have dialed is currently out of service please hang up and try again.

Near: This is Nick Fury I want to speak with Kira.

Light: WHY DID I TELL HIM TO TRY AGAIN! This is L. There's no Kira here.

Near: Same difference. Just wanted to let you know the Avengers and I are close. How close? So close that it's not just a metaphor, I am literally in Japan.

Light: Someone find where he is and order an airstrike.

Aizawa: Light, we're not legally allowed to have an army.

Light: I hate this country so much.

Near: I assume you're investigating Takeda and her connections to you, I mean Kira.

Light: Yes I'm investigating her personally, very personally I might add.

Near: Well it's a given that if we want to get any closer to you, I mean Kira, we'll have to keep an eye on Kiyomi Takeda and NHN in general. I want you to pass a message. Tell her the Avengers are here in Japan and reading to bring a good old fashioned American ass kicking down on Kira.

Light: And by personally I mean I'm having sex with her, wait what?

Near: To lure you out of hiding. And tell her this. In total the active members of the Avengers are 4, including myself. I suppose there might be others having adventures in some other continuity, but as far as this story is concerned it's just the four of us. Knowing this you'll try to kill us. You won't run from this confrontation and that's my plan. To beat you at your own game.

Light: _He's dropped any pretense of using the word Kira now. I'm beginning to think that the "you, I mean Kira" thing wasn't just an accident at all. He was doing it on purpose to mock me! Nobody mocks Light Yagami and lives! _

Light: NEAR I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE WE MUST DEUL TO THE DEATH IN THE BADASS TOKYO TOWER DREAM WORLD HELLEVATOR RIDE CONFRONTATION!

**Damn I love this series. Remember the rules kids First one to three wins, the loser plummets from the Hellevator to their death!**

Near: I'm in Japan.

Light: I'm in Japan as well.

Near: Oh really I thought you were in Malaysia, of course you're in Japan! **+1 Near**

Near: Then we're quite close we may actually get to meet.

Light: Actually Japan is still about the size of California for you all you know I could be in Kyuushuu and you could be in Hokkaido, then we couldn't meet at all. **+1 Light**

Light: I hope so, I'll make sure to bring an umbrella and some sunblock for you. **+1 Light**

Near: Well that will be something to look forward to.

Light: Yes

Near: And when that time comes I'll be sure to bring you some rollerskates and a nice new boytoy to play with as a present. **+ 1 Near**

Light: THAT DOES IT PREPARE FOR MY FINAL ATTACK! BURN IN HELL NE-

middle of the episode. I sure hope it doesn't ruin any dramatic moment that you all enjoy. But you know what you should really read these; I don't just put them in there for my health you know. And hey even if you were determined to just skip over this and continue reading the story, there's no guarantee that I would continue whatever I was just writing afterwards. It could be an entirely different scene for all you know. And you wouldn't even get this warning about the awkward moment because you skipped this. Or maybe you read this whole thing and I seamlessly picked up where I left off. Then you wasted your time.

Light: _The Hellevator reached the top of Tokyo Tower and it ended in a tie. I shouldn't have milked that final attack and just gone for the kill. That was fun though, I haven't had a Shadow Realm battle since L was alive. Well I guess he is L's successor after all. I don't even want to think about what kind of bizarre Shadow Game I would play with Mello. It might be less Urban Skyscraper and more "Alice in Wonderland." I look so damn good with red hair. Maybe I should dye it._

**At the Avengers: Japan HQ**

Near: First for everyone who's forgotten what happened in 2008 let's review what we know so far. L is Light Yagami. He is also Kira so let's call him Loser-Kira or L-Kira for short. There is also a Kira with the notebook. He tries to be cool with his laser pen moves and dramatic shouts so let's call him X-Kira, representing years of trying to make things cool by adding the letter "X" to it. This also has a hint of irony to it, since the Japanese language both these men natively speak in fact has no L or X sound, making them completely unaware of the meaning behind their names. L-Kira and X-Kira can't communicate directly and use Takeda as a go between. Given that there are two ways to win. One is ridiculously easy. **Fires toy pistol and knocks over Legos. **We arrange to meet both L- and X-Kira and waste them. This is known as the "Bad-End" and as such I would like to avoid it.

Rester: Your explanation raises several questions. How did you get sponsored by Lego, aren't you currently displaying sociopathic tendencies by projecting real life personalities and then murdering your Legos with a toy gun, and isn't it only a "Bad-End" for them? It sounds like a pretty good end for us!

Near: Superheroes don't murder people.

Rester: What about the Punisher? Or Rorschach?

Near: This is the 2000s, Captain America, the anti-hero is a played out product of the super edgy 90s.

Rester: You don't care to comment on my other questions?

Near: I do not.

**Light and Aizawa go for drive to Light's latest booty call with Kiyomi.**

Light: So Kiyomi you say you get a lot of fanmail every day?

Kiyomi: Yeah something like 200 letters I dunno.

Matsuda: I'm missing Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour for this?

Light: Do you ever fill up a pool with them and go for a swim? Letting the sweet papercuts of praise nick your naked body?

Kiyomi: WHAT?

Light: I mean erm, I've certainly never fantasized about doing such a thing, just making sure we're on the same page here.

Light (on Note): _Isn't this cool? It's just like high school. Here are my godly Kira instructions on paper. Read them, carry them out, and for the love of Me don't let the idiots downstairs know about it._

Light: You know the Avengers are here in Japan, that's what the Americans call their Kira investigation team. Maybe instead of just being a parrot for that Sexy Beast Kira, you should make some demands of your own.

Matsuda (singing along): _Burakku Rokku shuutaa hitori ja nai yo!_

Ide: Dammit Matsuda, Light is starting to get down to business, stop listening to Vocaloids and monitor the conversation.

Light: Why don't you use the TV to reach out to Kira, tell him what you think he needs to know.

Light (on paper): _I want to see your death (Turn page over). Note skills. You start killing people._

Light: Kiyomi you did turn the paper over right? I know the first part is a bit awkward but I ran out of room, I wanted to write "Light's Awesome Plan" in Giant letters and it sorta took up the whole page.

Matsuda and Ide (singing along): _daki yosete hoshii tashikamete hoshii  
machigai nado nai nda to omowasete  
kiss o shite nuri kaete hoshii  
miwaku no toki ni yoi shire oborete itai no_

Ide: Dammit Matsuda, this stuff is pretty catchy.

**Over at Mikami's place**

Mikami: I could delete all day. In fact I just may! DELETED! **Phone rings. **Oh it's Takeda, maybe it's time for that threesome god promised me! Hello?

Takeda: Guess what?

Mikami: threesome?

Takeda: I'm Kira now, bitch. Kira wants you to send me some pages to kill the criminals on. You are instructed to make a fake notebook and continue pretending to kill people, while I handle the real stuff.

Mikami: I'm going to go cry….I mean hang up now. _My god, my god, why have you forsaken me? Was my writing now awesome enough? I've trained until my fingernails bleed to perfect the laser stroke techniques. Why must I stop once I've found my calling in life? Sniff. I'll show them! I'll practice day and night and then I'll show god my new awesome technique! Then he'll promote me back to Kira! And give me Takeda as a reward while I'm at it!_

**Commercial Bump.**

_**How you know you've seen too much Death Note: I**_

_When you take notes you get disappointed there's no laser flashes from your pencil_

_You know Nishio Ishin not from any of his own works but from the Los Angeles BB Murder Case_

_You attempt to do everyday activities in the same dramatic manner of an NFL films recap of the Superbowl._

**End Commercial Bump.**

**Promo for The Kiyomi Takeda Show**

Matsuda: What's this crap? They cancelled Super Happy Funtime Kira and Friends Variety Hour for this?

Ide: Well what do you expect? The show was on its last legs, losing its major sponsor and two hosts in a short period of time.

Announcer: And now we will announce the Fanatical Fangirl Four, Kiyomi Takeda's insane female bodyguards. They consist of a softball player, Japan's female cage fighting champion, a beautiful but deadly sexbot, and a former CIA agent.

Light: _That has got to be the worst cover for an SPK agent possible. Duh of course it's the sexbot. You aren't fooling anyone Nick Fury._

**Over at Avengers: Japan.**

Near: _I am so glad I bought the satellite package that let me have 500 feeds at once. It's the only way I can possibly stay current on every single television program at once. And then I will burn them to these CDs and illegally distributed all the anime and J-Dramas when I return to America, or England, or wherever it is I'm from. Yes, and then all the money from selling bootleg copies cheaper than official releases will be mine, mine, ALL MINE! _Captain America, we must celebrate, activate the Zero-G simulator!

**Near's eyes flash blue and the room begins spinning around and around. Eventually he focuses on one program as he floats around the room.**

Mikami: I want to hear Kira's voice. I want him to praise me for my actions. Actions that include the mass murder of hundreds of individuals in his name with my magic laser notebook. He will love me once again when he sees me unveil my new super technique! He just has to!

Near: _Hey, this Japanese game show doesn't feature torture or obstacle courses, this will never sell. I should erase this._

**And now to a much forgotten member of the cast.**

Misa: Why the hell am I never on screen anymore? I was the second Kira and they took that away from me, I was a member of the task force during the Yotsuba Incident and they took that away from me, I was Light's girlfriend and they've even taken that away from me! I didn't learn to speak properly so that I could just sit here on the sidelines. Promises were made about my importance in the second half, Mogi. Promises were made!

Mogi: MISA MISA! YOU SHOULD BE HAPPIER! IT'S TRUE YOU'VE LOST A BIT OF YOUR IMPORTANCE FROM SEASON ONE! BUT AT LEAST YOU ARE STILL THE SEX SYMBOL OF DEATH NOTE! AND HAVE A BODY THAT CAN PROPERLY DIGEST SUGAR!

**Misa spots her rival.**

Misa: _Spotlight stealing bitch. _AHAHA, I see wherever I go the paparazzi follow. Let's go Mogi before Miss Reporter turns this into Inside Access.

Mogi (whispering): MISA MISA! KIYOMI TAKEDA IS A LEGITIMATE REPORTER WHO COVERS REAL NEWS NOT TABLOID TRASH LIKE- ERR CELEBRITY INTEREST.

Misa: Duh, I was insulting her by calling her nothing more than someone who rifles through my garbage for evidence of drug use or pregnancy tests on my part. And you did NOT just call me Tabloid Trash.

**Takeda scoffs and walks off.**

Misa: HEY! She walked away! I'll go teach her a thing or two about being the bigger man and letting things slide!

Mogi: WOULDN'T THE BEST WAY TO DO THAT BE TO LEAVE WHILE WE'RE AHEAD?

Misa: Don't you know anything about Satanism? Vindictive revenge without any thought of consequences is what I'm all about.

**Misa runs off and Lidner catches her in a submission hold.**

Lidner: Looks like those self dense classes I took to make sure I wouldn't be surprised in the shower anymore paid off.

Misa: Oh shit it's the cage fighting champ. I'm screwed. Save me Mogi!

**Takeda scoffs again.**

Takeda: Hal, that lady was a rather important character once, however long ago it was. Please show her a little more respect.

Lidner: Yes Milady.

Mogi: MISA MISA ARE YOU OKAY? SHOULD I ORDER A TUB OF BEN AND JERRY'S FOR LATER?

Misa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Mogi! Go prepare an altar, I'm going to implore demons to possess her or cast a hex or something!

**These sort of things take preparation and a knowledge of the Moon's cycle. So let's get back to the plot.**

Near: L this is Nick Fury. Can I talk to Aizawa?

Light: I'm not your operator.

Aizawa: Yo, I'm here.

Near: I have a question about copyright law. How much trouble would I be in if the Japanese police found out I had several thousand burned CDs of every program for the past three weeks with intent to traffic them?

Aizawa: I'd say you'd be pretty damned screwed.

Near: I see, very interesting, thank you very much.

**Over at the SPK**

Rester: Somehow I don't think you'll be able to hide 45,678 CDs in that Christmas tree.

Near: Of course they aren't IN the Christmas tree. The Christmas tree's star merely opens the secret passageway to the warehouse I'm keeping the CDs in.

Rester: Hmm, how's the investigation going Iron Man?

Gevanni: Well, alright I suppose, did I just hear you say something about burning CDs and a Christmas Tree? You guys totally didn't leave me to do this investigation all by myself did you? I mean, sure I've made some breakthroughs, came up with a suspect, and I'm now stalking him, but you guys are doing your part two right?

Near: Of course not. We're up to our necks in case related stuff. We're totally not illegally recording Japanese TV shows and having an office Christmas party we didn't invite you to. You're doing such a bang up job though. Keep up the good work.

**Back to Misa.**

Misa: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan, stupid moon. Why did you have to be only three quarters full. I can't curse Takeda adequately in these conditions. And seriously, what's up with these community organizers not letting me use the park to set up a satanic altar. Can we at least get the ram Mogi?

Mogi (on phone): I SEE! THAT'S GREAT NEWS! YES! YES! EXCELLENT! I'LL TELL HER RIGHT NOW! No ram sorry, they wanted to know what we were using it for and the farm owner wouldn't consent.

Misa: Dammit, then why were you so excited?

Mogi: BECAUSE COMPARITIVELY THAT WAS EXCELLENT NEWS! THE BAD NEWS IS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH KIYOMI TAKEDA!

Misa: This day just keeps getting worse and worse. God what did I do to deserve this? Oh right, the murders and Satan worship.

**On the other end.**

Lidner: I think he accepted. He was talking about making sure he could actually eat at the restaurant or something. I'm not sure what digestive disease he has.

Takeda: Be sure to book a private meal. Also I want you to come, I want to see that little pipsqueak tap out again.

**Dinner time!**

Takeda: I'm sorry I had to invite you out so late, it had to be after the 9 o clock news ended. You know the big important thing where we tell you what's going on the world?

Misa: Oh no problem, I'm used to staying up late. I used to have 12 hour marathon sex sessions with Light all night long. **Drinks. **This is damn good, where did you find a restaurant that serves blood?

Takeda: Oh when you've spent as much time as I have investigating everything you find some pretty shocking things out. Like your relationship with Light being on the rocks.

Misa: _If she thinks I'm splitting the tab with her now she's crazy. _Oh no things are great between me and 1337, fangz, lol geddit?, for asking. He's way more into me than he looks. Last night he put his thingy in my you know what and we did it sexily.

Takeda: Ah I see, well then I'm glad that even with all that doing it, he still finds time for me.

Misa: He won't have much time for you anymore. You see, this Sundae at the Poor Music Festering I'm going to announce my enragement to 1337.

Takeda: Oh well then I won't have anything to worry about.

Misa: You'd better worry! We're enraged! You know what that means? It's over for you! He posed with me a month ago. Isn't that rowmuntick?

Takeda: LOL no.

Misa: Whattaya meen, LOL know? Are j00 nut going to let Meesa pronounce it? Or mayber j000r going to get Spira to keel me?

Takeda: Of course not only Kira gets to decide who to kill. Now if I were actually in effect Kira at the moment that would be slightly different, then I would get to decide who to kill. But this is all hypothetical.

Misa: Well whatever. **Drinks. **Eye rully dun get things like hypothermia. And ounce mai husbando 1337 catches Keera, it'll be cursings for j00. Gently, wafer cursing.

Takeda: ….

Misa: And by that Eye mean jewel be exeuglyed. Lol Geddit? Cuz j00 cunt be excuted since j00r sew ugly!

Lidner: Miss Takeda are you okay? Should I call an English Teacher?

Takeda: **begins cackling and flashes back.**

Light: Kiyomi, join me, and you will be the **checks hand** Goddess of the New World. Boy I sure hope that pick up line worked.

Takeda: Miss Amane, I find this unpleasant.

Misa: Itz j00r felt for inviting me when j00 know Eye cunt hold my licker! And Eyem nut paying the bill either!

Takeda: Ah but it is you who is still sitting at the table while I have my coat on and am headed for the door. I wish you luck in your attempt to escape the staff in your inebriated condition. Good day.

Misa: HA! Shows what j00 know! Eye was star of mai truck team in High Skull! **Gets up and falls over. **MOGI! SAVE MEESA! EYE DUDN'T BRING ANY MONKEY! **Takes bottle and drinks more.**

Mogi: Umm Misa are you okay?

Misa: OF CURSE EYE AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. EYEM Totally kewl 2 dribe. Eyem knut all at drunk! Hay, y r j00 faking Meesa's keebs?

**Lidner now reports back to base.**

Lidner: So remember high school?

Rester: Yes.

Lidner: Basically imagine that but about Light Yagami. That's what happened between Misa and Takeda tonight. Your thoughts?

Near: All I can say is this. Light Yagami is getting lucky tonight. Takeda and Misa both adore him.

Rester: Nick Fury, please be serious.

Near: It IS serious. How can such an emotionally self absorbed, homosexual man have two women, when I am spending Christmas Eve dateless playing with Legos?

Rester: Some would say the Legos are probably the problem.

Near: YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!

**Gevanni and Mikami spend Christmas Eve on a train. They stare at each other.**

Mikami: So it's Christmas. What are you doing?

Gevanni: Tailing some guy while my friends have a party I wasn't invited to. What about you?

Mikami: Pretending to kill people while my friends have a sex party I wasn't invited to.

Gevanni: …..

Mikami: …

Gevanni:…..

Mikami: ….Wanna go to a bar and drink our problems away?

Gevanni: Yeah ok.

**Author's Note: **It's a shame they have to kill each other in a month. This could have been the start of a beautiful friendship. Or something like that.

Seems I missed a week. Well that's pretty much par for the course I guess. We'll see what I can do about speed.

Right now for the part where we stroke each other's egos and both go home happy.

Shadow Dragoness: _Wow, I was really psyched to see that you specifically responded to my review... It felt nice. Hahaha! Thank you for that random little uppity-ness of my day as well as for another hilarious chapter. My family yelled at me for laughing while they were trying to watch TV, but I consider that a job well done. _

And with a response like that I had to give you two in a row. Thanks for the support.

_The Commercial Bump and the whacked-out description of Mikami's childhood were particularly well done. Oh, and the purple shirt? Fantastic. I haven't seen this episode in so long, I can't even really remember what happened, but your take on it probably just scrambled any coherency that I might've been able to recall beyond recovery. _

It is strongly recommended you actually watch the episode or have a really good memory. I think I rely a lot on jokes based off visual cues in the show itself and ripping off exact dialogue. But if I can still make you laugh even if you have no clue what's going on, I must be doing something right! Thanks.

_Mogi and Aizawa's interaction was hilarious - but not as hilarious as the phrase "masculine sex machine" being applied to Light Yagami. I...My brain might've ruptured a little. But in a good way. I love how you're tangling the threads of Kira, sexuality, government conspiracy, and anything else you feel like hurling in there. Batboy? It's delightfully twisted. I'm lost but I'm happy. :) Light's an ego-maniac, but it would be weird to see him any other way. Good job with sticking to who the characters are while at the same time warping them to your own diabolically-amusing purposes. I don't know how you do it, and I'm not sure I want to, but nonetheless, awesome job_.

Batboy is a famous hoax or something by the National Enquirer I think. And who are you to doubt Light Yagami, "masculine sex machine," maybe he has an unrelenting passion for man ass.

The One Called Demetra: _Oh, My Immortal...don't worry, it's just a troll. Humanity has produced quite a few manifestations of utter stupidity, but My Immortal is not one of them._

Though if any reviewer was saying it was actually good writing..

My Immortal is genius and I love it to death. It makes me feel "goffik"

JJ etc and so on: _Chazooo! I thought you'd died._

Maybe I did

_Btw: didn't know you'd been linked to Tropes... that's awesome...? In a strange way, kind of. Congrats!_

Thank you. It's just perfect for an attention whore like me! Now get me on Wikipedia!

Boogiepop Shippuden:

_I hope this parody ends better for Light then the real anime, like..Light achieves Bankai_

or Lelouch pops up out of nowhere to Geass all of Light's enemies

STOP SPOILING MY ENDINGS! LOL! No I actually dunno what I'll do, we'll see.


End file.
